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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 02/11/2019 10:31

Just tell him to stop mentioning it.

LadyAllegraImelda · 02/11/2019 10:34

Yes and just read up thread he could well just be waiting for a chance for you 'to ruin' it, I've known one or two guys with this angle.

Cocolapew · 02/11/2019 10:35

He's behaving like a dick, nothing romantic about it at all.

Mrwoofington · 02/11/2019 10:35

For the record, just tell him, next time he opens his mouth to go on and be a boring sod about engagement chat (fwiw my DH goes on about surprises so much that he ruins them too. It's not a power thing for him like pp are certain yours is, it's just excitement and panic and fear I won't like it so he's testing the water etc but it completely ruins it every time coz I get sick of hearing about it, and I can guess the surprise)

You can just say -
Hey, do you mind not talking about this, like you said, you want it to be a surprise, so let's just leave it and then you can surprise me by NYE like you said you would.

That's not rude, and it's not angry, and it's making it seem like his idea. It also reminds him of the expectation of the deadline but puts the emphasis on him having set that deadline.

If you're getting married I'd hope that you can at least have that sort of conversation.

There always seems to be a flurry of engagements around Christmas and New year, personally I would've guessed that's when it'll be.

AthollPlace · 02/11/2019 10:35

Is he the father of the DC? If not then I’d seriously consider giving him the boot. He’s being mean and goady and has no intention of marrying you. If he wanted to marry you he’d have proposed in a reasonable time frame, which would have been 3-4 years ago. 6 years is taking the piss!

BabyItsAWildWorld · 02/11/2019 10:35

If you have a conversation along the lines of:

I'd like us to get married.
Yeh I think we should.
Let's do it next year.
Sounds like a good plan.

You are engaged.

You are just waiting to have the same conversation in a different location, with a ring presented and maybe a manicure.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2019 10:37

Namechanged, I don’t think you’re necessarily unromantic at all, being open, considerate of each other and cracking on organising the marriage IS romantic!

Examssuck · 02/11/2019 10:37

Have you seen the ring? Do you know it exists? I call bullshit.

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2019 10:38

He would get a brisk put down from me next time he starts on about it.

thenightsky · 02/11/2019 10:39

Surely he has already effectively proposed if you have decided to get married? Just start planning. This appears to be literally about him giving you the ring.

I was thinking that too.

Gardai · 02/11/2019 10:39

Next time he mentions being so happy to marry you tell him you’re not because he’s ruining it with his dick behaviour.
The surprise is over, unless he plans an amazing insta worthy cringe fest.

CalmdownJanet · 02/11/2019 10:39

Another one who thinks he sounds like a total twat! You don't want to spoil it for him but it's fine for him to drag the are out of it and spoil it for you?? Next time he mentions it I'd say

"Right stop, propose when you are ready and not before but in the meantime this is the last time it gets mentioned. You mention it daily, like you are dangling an engagement in front of me, like when I have been good enough you will bestow this great honour on me but a proposal is a question and as actually this engagement is starting to look like some weird control thing with you, the answer to your question, it it ever happens, may not be the answer you expect anyway, because actually I do get a say in this too"

It's weird, like he is some Prince charming and you are some lap dog waiting to be proposed to

Grobagsforever · 02/11/2019 10:40

This is bizarre. WHY ON EARTH are you hanging about waiting for the big man to propose at his pleasure? It's 2019. Why oh why would you hand over all your power like this? Are you normally quite old fashioned?

Book a bloody wedding and ignore his dicking around. You're a grown up, take control of your own life.

k1233 · 02/11/2019 10:40

After all this malarkey, when he did propose I'd be likely to reply I had to think about it... I have no tolerance for this sort of baiting and stringing along. If you're going to do something, do it, don't talk about it.

Mrwoofington · 02/11/2019 10:40

Also fake staged proposal??

Aren't your weddings fake staged weddings?
You've already signed the contracts in most cases, you're just going through with a party

When they introduce the woman with her new name (if she's taking his) she's either changed it ages ago, or she's not changed it yet, it's completely pointless.

It's a ceremony that we as a society partake in. It's a display of romance and love. Social traditions etc.

But sure, you are obviously above everyone else for looking down on it and being rude about it.
Hope you guys can get on with your weekend better now, feeling a little bit stronger.

ThatMuppetShow · 02/11/2019 10:41

YANBU

he's being ridiculous and unkind to "hint".
You are way too keen though, and you are in a position where you seem stuck with him.

I know many proposal nowadays are not a complete surprise, because marriage has been mentioned, but it's still very important for some of us.

purplepolo · 02/11/2019 10:43

Do you think hes reeeeeeally trying to build the suspense with you? Maybe he knows youd expect it on your lovely childfree week and is actually planning to do it when you were to least expect it.

I dont know how after he mentions proposing / marrige you havent gone "if it ever happens". Whatever his reasons for doing what it is hes doing its not really fair and would seriously get on my nerves

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/11/2019 10:43

If you can’t communicate how do you expect a marriage to even last?

It sounds like you both want a show, him waiting and you with the nails but marriage is a serious commitment not just about the FB pictures.

katewhinesalot · 02/11/2019 10:46

It'll be a story that you'll be dining out on years later. The disastrous proposal.

Karwomannghia · 02/11/2019 10:46

Just keep promising him a blow job. Say it’s going to be amazing but don’t actually do it.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/11/2019 10:49

I would not like this one bit. It's like he's teasing you. It's a big mistake to try that with me Grin

Next time he brings it up:

'Oh I know darling, I simply can't wait for THE moment! I know, let's make it even more SPECIAL by not mentioning it again until then. I mean, we don't want to ruin it by OVERDOING the hype'

I might have a rather fake smile plastered over my gritted teeth at this point.

Ellisandra · 02/11/2019 10:49

If you can’t talk to him about how it’s making you feel, I’d be wary of marrying him at all.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2019 10:49

Why would OP raise such a sad story “dining out” that shows her partner - and herself - in a sad andnbad light? Confused

badgermushrooms · 02/11/2019 10:50

The very best interpretation of his behaviour is that he thinks you're enjoying the "anticipation" of having something you desperately want dangled over your head, like a child waiting for Christmas. So if you fundamentally think he's a good person who is just getting this one thing wrong, you need to tell him. If that ruins it for him...well he's already ruined it for you, hasn't he?

You can't have a functional marriage where one person makes themselves unhappy because they're not willing to say when something is upsetting them.

MacabreMannequinFun · 02/11/2019 10:51

I think I'd tell him to leave it now, I don't even see the point, it's all a bit false isn't it? I'd be annoyed at him because he's ruined it, I would just wear the ring now and forget the suprise because you already know he will ask you and has a ring.

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