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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
Hithere2 · 15/11/2019 13:53

I knew a girl who was engaged for 3 years.
There would be always excuses why a wedding date was not possible.
Fast forward 2 years and she still is engaged.
She broke it up with him as she got tired of waiting.
The guy happily moved on while she was putting her pieces together for some time

sonjadog · 15/11/2019 15:01

Why are you so sure there is a ring? it really sounds like he hasn't got one. If he had one, surely he would have produced it instead of storming off in a tantrum.

ChuckleBuckles · 15/11/2019 15:18

@PrettyTricky You gave up your own business and dragged your teenager across the country for this man, was it really worth it?

He is playing you for a fool and you are allowing it, you had doubts before this move and you ignored them, what is it going to take for you to listen to sense? There is no ring, there will never be a moment "magical" enough for him to propose, any time you mention the wedding or engagement he blows up at you and huffs off. Pack up and go back home, get your business back on track and live your life without this twat.

Halestorm · 15/11/2019 16:15

He asked you a while back whether you wanted the ring there and then and to crack on with planning or whether you wanted to wait for the big proposal.

But then kicked off when you opted for the first choice. Confused

Look, I get you want the lovely surprising romantic proposal but that ship has sailed, or more accurately, sunk. There's no surprise - there can be no surprise now, there's too much bad feeling now that there can be no romance either, so all that's left is for you both to agree to get married, set a date and for him to give you the ring. If it exists which I strongly suspect doesn't.

A fancy proposal does not always equate to a happy marriage either, but this whole situation seems to point towards some fundamental flaws in your relationship that probably don't bode well for the future.

cccameron · 15/11/2019 16:59

He's stringing you along. He has no ring, no plan and is telling you what you want to hear. Now he's gaslighting you

Exactly this. Please, please get some self respect and tell him to fuck off.

Motoko · 15/11/2019 17:17

I bet if you demanded that he show you the ring, because you don't believe it exists, he'll say it's in his desk at work, or a friend is looking after it, because he didn't want you to find it by accident.

Try it.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 16/11/2019 11:33

I also think, once you have started discussing getting married and when and where, it's odd to expect him to ask you to marry him.
Unfortunately, the small gesture of an official proposal has now became this big thing and it's just getting bigger.
I think the only way to save it now (if you even want to), is to forget about the whole engagement process altogether and he can return the ring, because whether you wear it with or without a proposal now, it's going to be tainted and becomes a constant reminder of this.
If you still want to get married then start planning the wedding. Consider the engagement fiasco a glitch that can be erased.
Fwiw, DH and me didn't get engaged. We had been together forever and just decided it was probably time, then started planning it.
This won't have to become a bad thing if you don't let it.
On the other hand, how you both handle this situation now might tell you a lot about your problem solving skills.

Drabarni · 17/11/2019 17:15

I had one like this once, it's about control.
When I kicked him to touch his romantic soul find someone else. He lead her a dog's life, no romance just abuse and cheating.
I'm surprised you've stuck it out this far tbh.

MachineBee · 22/11/2019 08:55

I would just leave it alone now OP. If he brings up anything to do with the wedding/engagement/rest of life together, just either go deaf, or simple say nothing. Allow a silence to happen and let him fill it. If he's trying to pick a fight again, it's really difficult to have one with some one who isn't responding.

Christmas is coming, you have a DD - I'd focus on making this a good one for her - she's had a lot of change in her life so will probably appreciate some extra attention from her mum. If he wants to do stuff with you, let him arrange it. You concentrate on stuff you want to do in the run up to Christmas - it's easy to be busy at this time of year and it will stop you looking like petty (not that you are). Be the grown up and let him realise you're not playing this game any more.

ChristmasFluff · 22/11/2019 11:08

This is not going to happen - as others have said, it is all about control.

Similar to @honeybee, when I got engaged to the ex-H, he asked me in our own house, nothing special, we then decided we wanted to get married, didn't bother with rings, and got married within the month (Vegas).

Then one day when we went to Paris, he got down on one knee in the Eiffel Tower Restaurant, and produced 'engagement' jewellery. That was a surprise!

If a man wants to marry you, he marries you. If he wants to keep his housekeeper/childcare/general dogsbody in their place, he strings them along with promises.

Meyouandbabytoo · 25/12/2019 10:35

OP Did you get the ring for christmas then?

makingmammaries · 25/12/2019 10:59

What is it with these men who ‘can’t wait to propose’? As if there was something stopping them proposing, if they actually want to.

Sorry, OP, but I’m beginning to think that very phrase is a red flag.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 25/12/2019 22:04

So...did he propose, @PrettyTricky ?

theWarOnPeace · 25/12/2019 22:21

God please don’t just sweep it under the carpet if he doesn’t propose. At this stage I don’t think that where r he does now makes him someone worth marrying. He sounds like a bloody controlling spoilt child.

StarUtopia · 25/12/2019 22:26

I knew a girl who was engaged for 3 years.
There would be always excuses why a wedding date was not possible.
Fast forward 2 years and she still is engaged.
She broke it up with him as she got tired of waiting.

I was this girl. 7 years I wasted. He was lovely (still is to be fair, we're still friends, kids call him Uncle)

I'll be brutal though. He may well want to get married - just not to you.

I broke up with my fiancé. He said at the time, I was right, he didn't really want to get married but he wanted to keep me happy. Funny how he's now married to someone else!

SourAndSnippy · 25/12/2019 23:51

.

ferntwist · 25/12/2019 23:56

Hi OP, did you get a Christmas proposal?

Marmalady75 · 26/12/2019 08:36

We’ve all been waiting to hear how this turns out. Hopefully the OP has had her happy ever after.

nevergotthehangofturkeys · 26/12/2019 08:44

She won't be back...

With any luck she no longer feels the need to vent because either (a) she's got the ring (unlikely since she'd have told us) or (b) she quietly upped and left.

PrettyTricky · 26/12/2019 09:57

Hi mumsnetters, didn't expect this thread to still be a thing, sorry for not updating, I was quite embarrassed in the end.

Despite the general negativity of the posts on here, it didn't turn out at all the way the majority thought it would.

We got engaged a few weeks ago now. It was lovely actyally, he'd had something planned after all and he had the ring, which I absolutely love. Wedding booked for next June.

Hope you all had a Happy Christmas.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 26/12/2019 10:01

Congratulations op! Glad it worked out. Wendy the wedding.

Rose87777 · 26/12/2019 10:10

Congratulations! Your story is the same as mine OP and we also got married in June (just gone). Enjoy your wedding planning. Graciously ignore the huge amount of unsolicited wedding advice you will get Grin

nevergotthehangofturkeys · 26/12/2019 12:49

Congratulations OP - very happy to be proved wrong. Smile

Costacoffeeplease · 26/12/2019 13:12

What did he have planned?

blubberyboo · 26/12/2019 13:19

Next time he mentions it tell him you’re not sure if you would marry a man who is very indecisive