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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how many hours your DP spends playing videos games

470 replies

Cchick · 01/11/2019 19:21

Just what the title says really.

My partner spends maybe 15-20 hours a week on average (sometimes he can spend 12 full hours!) and I was wondering how many your partners spend. I mean he's playing the games with other people, so is this normal in other households too?

FYI, we don't have any children yet and we aren't married yet. I'm just very worried that if we do marry and have kids, the family would come second to gaming. Everyone says to look out for red flags and I'm wondering if this is one?

Long story short, how many hours do your partners spend gaming and has it reduced since marrying and having children?

TIA!

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 01/11/2019 20:19

Nothing
As I won't let him use my Xbox
I could play all day at weekend (well 10-6pm) then a few hours each evening if there is a good game

The joys of being child free!

Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2019 20:20

I easily spend that (female). But i only work part time and am single so have plenty of time to do so.

15 hours per week...what's that like 7pm to 10pm five nights out of seven? Or 7+ hours a day both weekend days?

That's a bit much right enough.
But if some of it is when you aren't in and he is, it isn't actually that much. All depends on how it is impacting family time I guess.

Bandia · 01/11/2019 20:21

We both game, but not regularly anymore. Dp might spend an hour or two every few days gaming. I'm more buy one or two games a year, spend two days completing them and then very little until the next one. It's never been an issue. We spend time together, time with the kids. I'm not counting gaming with the kids in that though.

purplepalace · 01/11/2019 20:22

Zero.

I would never have dated, married or had children with a gamer.

Shoxfordian · 01/11/2019 20:27

20 hours a week is too much, he's not spending any time with you. My dh plays for 2 hours a week, not 20. Maybe more if I'm out but when we're home together then we do things together

VanessaShanessaJenkins · 01/11/2019 20:27

purple why?
Are there any other hobbies on your 'no' list?
Cycling?
Reading?
Board games?
Painting garden gnomes?
Cross stitch?

I genuinely don't think a person's hobbies have ever factored in whether I like a person or not. My friends have very varied hobbies which all make them interesting people in different ways.

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 01/11/2019 20:27

"Indeed, I wonder how many of the sniffy folks are sitting on Mumsnet ignoring their blokes"

Staring at a screen for hours is only acceptable if you're on MN slagging off others for doing the same apparently!

isabellerossignol · 01/11/2019 20:28

If someone posted that their partner was an avid reader and spent every evening reading Russian literature I'd bet my last pound that no one would be saying 'oh, don't you worry about him being sedentary?'.

Babyg1995 · 01/11/2019 20:29

None he's always at work.

MerryDeath · 01/11/2019 20:30

Zero. I could never find a gamer attractive.

MerryDeath · 01/11/2019 20:32

Don't ever make the mistake of assuming/hoping he'll change! He won't. My DP has other faults !

goodwinter · 01/11/2019 20:32

None. He’s an adult.

Heeere we fucking go. Didn't take long.

My DP and I both play games sometimes - on PC, console, or tabletop gaming. We're both adults (with no kids) and fit our hobbies around our responsibilities. Sometimes we have a day off and get really engrossed and play a game together for a whole day - shock horror!

To answer your question, probably an average of 10-15 hours a week. But again, since we don't have kids, we have a fair amount of free time.

MarshaBradyo · 01/11/2019 20:33

None

goodwinter · 01/11/2019 20:34

But if some of it is when you aren't in and he is, it isn't actually that much. All depends on how it is impacting family time I guess.

This is a good point, actually. I work almost opposite shifts to my partner so he has a lot of daytimes to himself when I'm at work. I couldn't care less what he gets up to, hobby-wise.

Original poster
Cchick · 01/11/2019 20:36

"... then he plays with the kitten to settle him for the night." > Well this made me chuckle!

Pinkbon thinking about it, it's. A lot more than 15 hours. 3 - 5 hours daily during the week then maybe upto 10 hours a day on the weekend. I'd say 25 - 35 hours a week! We work similar hours so most of it is when I'm here (and after I've gone to bed).

PPs are saying their DP played less once they had kids and that's hopeful, but if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think we will get to that stage with things as they are now.

OP posts:
mumofone2818 · 01/11/2019 20:36

my DP plays it anytime he has a chance, we have a young DD but still plays it alot (hours a day after work). I tell him its bad but he shrugs it off x

Heldupwithscaffolding · 01/11/2019 20:36

Unfortunately OP I think your instinct that this is a red flag is correct, and you are not going to be happy with this man in the long term. Best call it a day now.

gamerchick · 01/11/2019 20:37

Staring at a screen for hours is only acceptable if you're on MN slagging off others for doing the same apparently!

Yep, makes me chuckle Grin

BertieBotts · 01/11/2019 20:38

Yes, I would say it sounds like incompatability. You can tell from this:

The problem is I have tried to discuss this with him. We made progress and then I was blindsided and here we are again (I can't say too much as this will definitely out me!).

He seems to think that he can give me a peck during his 2 second break when he restarts the game and that will count as "us time". At some point I've wondered if I'm asking for too much but I really don't think I am.

"Making progress" is not a healthy way to think about relationships - it's not up to you to change his habits for him. That is more like a parent/child relationship. What it sounds like to me is that you had a conversation and he thought that he could just pay lip service to it and then slip back into his habits again and you wouldn't notice. Because he had no intention of actually changing his habits, because they are important to him (more important to him than spending time with you/fitting in with what you want).

You are not asking too much in general (ie what you want is absolutely achievable/reasonable in a relationship) but it sounds like you are asking too much of him ie this is something he isn't really prepared to agree to. That's nothing wrong with you or with him, you're just different and you have different expectations of a relationship.

This part hits the nail on the head:

I want to be with someone who PREFERS to spend time with me (not all the time ofcourse, that's understandable), not just when we've planned it in advance.

BertieBotts · 01/11/2019 20:40

YY isabelle.

It's because people imagine anybody who plays games to be a twenty stone neckbeard who sits in a cellar, exists on beer and frozen pizza and is pasty white from never actually going outside.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/11/2019 20:44

@gamerchick

Love a good session me, but it's no good unless you get the house to yourself first.

True, but so rarely happens these days. However my son is in bed, partner due back in 2 hours, time to get off here and shoot someone in the face :D

clare8allthepies · 01/11/2019 20:45

My partner has only really been playing with the kids at the weekend recently, although I just bought him a game for his birthday.

I play a lot more though as I play during the day when the kids are at school. I don’t see gaming as any better or worse than watching TV (or spending hours on MN).

I do think spending all hours apart from your family is bloody antisocial, my guild has events on every week that I never play in because of the time they’re on and I often wonder if everyone is single or whether they just have very neglected partners!

missmouse101 · 01/11/2019 20:45

None. He's an adult not a teenage kid.

halloweenismyseason · 01/11/2019 20:46

Dp has twitter and sky sport app, but doesn't look at them for long period the same with me and mn.
Time together is important, we both can't think of a better way to have down time then together even if it's just watching tv.
If your dp has had this habit for a long time it won't just stop, it's like anything anyone does for a extended period.
You see people out with others glued to SM it doesn't just stop because they have included it into they day to day behaviour

Littlemissdaredevil · 01/11/2019 20:46

It not gaming which is the problem it’s being unable to prioritise properly and being a lazy man child that is the problem.

My DH didn’t game when I met him and took it up whilst we were dating. I started to notice it become excessive after we moved in but since we didn’t have kids it’s wasnt a red flag to me as I had equal amounts of leisure time and we were able to go out for meals, cinema, etc at the weekends. Gradually over time he became lazier but I didn’t notice as when you don’t have kids the housework doesn’t take very long and adults don’t make mess.

Everything came to a head when we had DD and after 3 days in hospital I came home to a complete shit hole with no food in the house. DH did fuck all childcare or housework and monopolised the living room playing violent XBox games for 12 hours whilst shouting into his headset often late until the night keeping me awake. My body was a car crash after the birth and I was in agony and it was a struggle to get up the stairs. He was so busy gaming with his gaming family he was too tired to do any housework or spend time with his daughter. I had zero leisure time. It was a struggle to get him to hold DD for 30 minutes so I could rest my poor aching body in the bath. As soon as I would get in the bath he would put on the Xbox and plonk DD in the Moses basket. DD would then start screaming but DH would be too ‘busy’ to pick her up.

I saw a divorce lawyer when DD was 12 weeks old. Our marriage barely survived. I feel him not being able to control/limit his gaming and being able to prioritise his wife and children about his hobby has permanently damaged our marriage.