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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this comment from DP was disgusting?

264 replies

DarkGreenMini · 01/11/2019 18:15

I've been with DP for 6 years. Slowly over the years he has been showing a different side to him, that he is racist. For the first year he never said or did anything racist then slowly after that he would make racist comments that I would call him out on and he'd apologise saying it's just bad humour.
It has become clear though that he has very racist views, learned from his family (who I don't see often so didn't know this about them).
We have had arguments over his views and comments in the past and he has said that it's just how he was brought up but that he won't make comments any more.
What makes no sense is my parents were immigrants so I don't understand why he would even have gotten involved with me if he is so against immigrants.
Anyway, today I told him that our DS had made a friend who doesn't speak much English but that they get on so well even though DS is speech delayed.
DP sarcastically said 'great' and muttered something about needing to see the parents 'first'. He then said to DS 'where's your foreign friend?'
I instantly said to him not to say anything like that to DS as he doesn't need to learn racist behaviour from him, to which he replied 'It's people like you who have made this country shit' and gave me the most nasty look.
I'm utterly disgusted by his comment and his racism.
He obviously hid this very well at the start of our relationship but this last year he's been like a different person with his attitude to anyone from a different country.
I'm honestly considering ending our relationship because I can't tolerate racism.

OP posts:
Foghead · 02/11/2019 06:19

In my experience, racists are generally quite angry people and not that pleasant to be around. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s personality is bigoted and intolerant towards others just because of skin colour. It’s an attribute that seeps into their whole personality.

Notajogger · 02/11/2019 06:30

Not RTFT but this would be my concern in this situation - tricky to know what to do though-
It doesn't matter if the OP leaves him or not, he can still pass his views onto the child. He could do this 50% of the time and OP wouldn't be there to counteract them.

Yestermo · 02/11/2019 06:48

@Greatnorthwoods@Ifyoulikepinacolidas
Thankfully your dated views have been shown to be in the minority. At the moment people who are racist have felt it more ok to express their pathetic opinions but in general people aren't so small minded. I have completely cut people who tolerate racism out of my life entirely. People will do that to you and you will end up like my racist FIL: virtually friendless spewing out daily mail driven bile.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/11/2019 07:36

It doesn't matter if the OP leaves him or not, he can still pass his views onto the child. He could do this 50% of the time and OP wouldn't be there to counteract them.
That's not a reason for staying with him. I couldn't tolerate being in the same house.

there certainly is a reasoned debate to be had about the benefits and drawbacks of uncontrolled borders.
From what the OP said, I don't think he was looking for a reasoned debate about border control.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/11/2019 07:42

You say he is racist, but then your example of correcting him on racist comment was about a comment that was not racist

Saying the words “foreign friend” is not racist. Saying you want to meet the parents of a new friend, also not racist. And his reference to “people like you” was most probably to people who are calling perfectly ok statements “racist”. If saying “foreign friend” is racist then by that measure so is saying “immigrant family” or “French friend” or “black friend”. Those are just statements of fact.

Reading between the lines it appears you have very different views on immigration. That does not automatically make him a racist. Anyone accused of being a racist in front of their kids for nonracist comments would get a bit nasty.

I would not put up with an actual racist partner, but your examples don’t show racism.

Thatsenoughjuststopit · 02/11/2019 07:46

I find it awful that he said that especially since it was directed at you and not just a general statement. A general statement like that would be bad enough mind.
I know people have different views but you still need to live and let live voicing your views in the way he has doesn't sound like he is even being thoughtful or careful as about how he is expressing himself.

I wouldn't want to hear such personal nasty comments.

SarahNade · 02/11/2019 07:51

'foreign' friend is not racist?!??? Oh my god.... It's the need to qualify someone as non-white or from a foreign place, that makes it racist. One wouldn't say my 'white' friend. An example of non-racist would be to simply say "where's your friend?" There is no need to put a qualifier in there. That's the clue. "foreign" friend is not okay, not on any level.

NurseButtercup · 02/11/2019 07:54

@PlanDeRaccordement

What makes no sense is my parents were immigrants so I don't understand why he would even have gotten involved with me if he is so against immigrants.

There's a massive flaw in your attempt to minimise the example shared by Op. Did you purposely miss this sentence?!! The Op is a child of immigrants and without the immigration policy op wouldn't even be in this country.

Your entire post is ridiculous.

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/11/2019 07:58

Wow OP YANBU. No I would not stay with such an (idiot) person or want my DC exposed to such bigoted and racist rhetoric.

What he said to you is disgusting and I couldn't even find him attractive after this, or respect him, he obviously isn't very intelligent. What a pathetic man.

Yestermo · 02/11/2019 07:58

@PlanDeRaccordement
What a load of minimalising bollocks.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 02/11/2019 07:58

If your DP is being racist to you because you are descended from immigrants, then he presumably includes his son in that group? Would you like your son to grow up ashamed of his heritage and yours? Hopefully not. But that's what will happen if you let this slide.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/11/2019 08:03

How can a marriage survive if the oh thinks that if his wife ?
I have a great friend and god mother to my children who is bit racist and jokes and banters Non PC jokes ( don’t love that part of them but it’s a tiny part of their personality) but if I was married to them and they seriously directed that at me and our kids the marriage can’t possibly survive that hate and disrespect , how can it? Baffled by the posters that think you can

Vulpine · 02/11/2019 08:10

His ancestors are immigrants, show him this

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/11/2019 08:20

Saying the words “foreign friend” is not racist. Saying you want to meet the parents of a new friend, also not racist. And his reference to “people like you” was most probably to people who are calling perfectly ok statements “racist”. If saying “foreign friend” is racist then by that measure so is saying “immigrant family” or “French friend” or “black friend”. Those are just statements of fact.
He could have said 'friend' or even 'new friend' - no need to describe the friend as 'foreign' and he clearly felt more need to check out the new friend's parents because they were foreign otherwise the OP wouldn't have mentioned it. Even if 'people like you' didn't refer to her race then it is still insulting and shows a complete lack of respect.

The words themselves may not be technically racist but they could be used in a racist way and I think the OP is more likely to be able to sense his real intention than someone reading the words on a forum.

Snowglobes · 02/11/2019 08:53

His attitude is abhorrent!! I’d find this incredibly difficult to reconcile.
What did you reply?
I would definitely consider separating BUT at the same time I’d try to see if there was scope for his views to change.
Have you had a deeper more meaningful conversation about racism, immigration etc?
For me, it would very much depend on that conversation as I’d need see a change of attitude/behaviour.

mamandematribu · 02/11/2019 09:08

Hi op
A few years ago I once dated a British man who's mum was half Hungarian / Yugoslavian but a child refugee to Britain and who's grandad emigrated to Britain after WW2 from Germany and changed his surname to sound more British. It turned out he hated foreigners/ black people/ single mums/ those on benefits/deny the Holocaust etc. Turns out he also didn't like Europeans etc .when he made a comment along the lines of ' just like the Irish to take and take ' she he invited me to dinner and to pay for the meal etc and I accepted Hmm
He didn't show his true colours until a year or so into the relationship. Strangely he had to travel to Indonesia to find a wife and they now live in Britain with their dc. I feel sorry for her and confused by him.

You deserve better op and so do your dc

SoVeryLost · 02/11/2019 10:57

@PlanDeRaccordement do you make a habit of saying my white friend? If not, why not? If you do, why?

The example is xenophobic at least. Why couldn’t he say where’s your new friend? The comment was designed to express his displeasure but in an underhanded way.

iklboo · 02/11/2019 11:07

And his reference to “people like you” was most probably to people who are calling perfectly ok statements “racist”.

Did you spot the rest of that sentence? - who have made this country shit' and gave me the most nasty look.

So it's shit to call out racism, xenophobia etc? The racist comments he's already made in the past?

Are you one of those people who refer to going to the P-word shop or don't think 'having a Ch*nky' for tea is racist?

whitthefeck · 02/11/2019 11:13

People don’t just suddenly develop racist behaviour; it’s something that would have been very apparent early in the relationship. The post just doesn’t ring true.

You're right, they don't suddenly develop these views but you are wrong that they would be apparent early on.

I was with my DH for 19 years before he even showed a hint of racism.

Brexit has a lot to answer for.

Before Brexit racists and fascists were too embarrassed to say what they really thought but now it seems they've found a voice. It's like "ah there are others who think like me so it's ok to say it out loud".

In every other respect my DH is brilliant - 50:50 housework/childcare, supported me getting to the top of my career, lots of family time, but similarly we also have our own lives and friends. I have an ideal marriage.

Except it turns out he is a fucking racist, as are his family. I had no clue.

I've given him 2 choices - keep your gob shut and your fucking racist views to yourself or go find a divorce lawyer.

MulticolourMophead · 02/11/2019 11:25

In my experience, racists are generally quite angry people and not that pleasant to be around

Would agree with this, my ex wasn't a pleasant person to be around.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 02/11/2019 12:10

You have to be kidding me with the comments that this isn't a big deal. It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. My dp has a dark sense of humour but no way in hell would he think this is remotely OK.

Someone said earlier in the thread that hey wouldn't break up a marriage over this...frankly I wouldn't consider that a marriage ...OP you didn't choose to marry a racist because you didn't know he was one. Once you found that out you have every right to walk.

Another said upthread that even if they split he could impart his views 50% of the time without the OP being a control on it...my view would be that my dc would b see my example by not staying with and tacitly validating racism. They would see one of their parents stand up for whats right and not shrink back in the claim for a quiet life.

cheesewitheverything · 02/11/2019 12:39

His comments are made worse because you know from experience what is behind them - he isnt joking or speaking lazily, he is attacking you and is racist. I think people's views make a huge difference in a relationship and this isnt just a different opinion, it's a deep rooted racism.

CantstandmLMs · 02/11/2019 12:59

Big deal breaker to me. Racists, homophobes, sexists...nope!! People who commented OP should over look it are clearly racist themselves! Raise your standards.

Op, you aren't gonna look at him the same way again now his true colours are showing.

MCP86 · 02/11/2019 13:49

I'd rather an open racist rather than a closeted racist. The first discourse is possible, and therefore growth and change.

The problem isnt just that he is racist. But that he is (openly) racist towards his partner!!!!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/11/2019 13:53

Never met a racist who wasn't also a massive twat. I'd be surprised if this one was any different.