To think this comment from DP was disgusting?

[DarkGreenMini]

I've been with DP for 6 years. Slowly over the years he has been showing a different side to him, that he is racist. For the first year he never said or did anything racist then slowly after that he would make racist comments that I would call him out on and he'd apologise saying it's just bad humour.
It has become clear though that he has very racist views, learned from his family (who I don't see often so didn't know this about them).
We have had arguments over his views and comments in the past and he has said that it's just how he was brought up but that he won't make comments any more.
What makes no sense is my parents were immigrants so I don't understand why he would even have gotten involved with me if he is so against immigrants.
Anyway, today I told him that our DS had made a friend who doesn't speak much English but that they get on so well even though DS is speech delayed.
DP sarcastically said 'great' and muttered something about needing to see the parents 'first'. He then said to DS 'where's your foreign friend?'
I instantly said to him not to say anything like that to DS as he doesn't need to learn racist behaviour from him, to which he replied 'It's people like you who have made this country shit' and gave me the most nasty look.
I'm utterly disgusted by his comment and his racism.
He obviously hid this very well at the start of our relationship but this last year he's been like a different person with his attitude to anyone from a different country.
I'm honestly considering ending our relationship because I can't tolerate racism.

Deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be friends with someone who stick up for a racist.

I'd try to reason with him before throwing in the towel, DarkGreenMini. People can and do change their views especially if they've been used to people all their life who have unpleasant views. When they are with people who actually talk about and understand things rather than acting upon a gut reaction, they start to think. Why not invite some friends of like (your) mind round for an informal meal/takeaway and encourage them to talk about issues in a non combative way. It's a start.

If that doesn't work, LTB, better still kick him out.

The comments are AWFUL You are right and yanbu

To those saying they find it hard to believe this wasn't apparent at the beginning of the relationship - it wasn't. Otherwise I would not have entered into a relationship with someone who expressed those views.
DP did not make racist remarks at the start of our relationship.

I clicked YABU. as in YABU not to leave him

I'd dump him. Sounds totally vile.

Ok, I'll play devil's advocate.

I have people I love who are racist. But not overtly - just the odd remark or look. They mainly hide/deny it well so it's hard to challenge.

I think there are a lot of racists like that.

Ive also known a couple of out and out racists. But I was able to talk to them about it, challenge their thinking, have a series of open conversations. It was eye opening. Both changed their views over time (one it took a year).

My kneejerk reaction on discovering they held racist views was to cut them off. I'm glad I didn't. Their racism came from lazy thinking and their parents, mainly.

Of course there's a limit to anyone's patience, willingness or civility in trying, but the OPs husband is the dad, so I'd give it a go.

I'd rather an open racist rather than a closeted racist. The first discourse is possible, and therefore growth and change.

Any parent who stays with the racist other parent is in danger of having no relationship with their Adult children.

My Mother certainly wouldn't have seen me or her Grandchildren if my Father hadn't have died when i was 17.

Bigotry is a common reason why people don't visit on here and in RL.

It gets worse as they get older and you've got to be a particular type of thick to be racist wgich shows in other opinions.

Who the hell wants to be associated or saddled with that?

They havnt come back funnylittlefloozie because as the first posters they thought the post was going to go that way. Racists are always so dumb they forget everybody doesnt think like them. Then they are always too cowardly to defend their point of view, as you say (not that its defensible would people say misogyny is just a different point of view.

Its actually people like them and OP's husband who are fucking ruining this country at the moment. And of course Brexit gets a mention. If brexiters hadnt chosen to unleash a toxic barrage of racism, then maybe it wouldnt be.

I wouldn’t break up my home and my family just because of a few comments

It isn't just a few comments though, is it? It is a view of the world that is diametrically opposed to the OPs.

I am struggling with similar issues. How do you reconcile sharing your life with someone whose political views you find abhorrent?

It sounds like he's been radicalised online. Does he spend a lot of time on social media; does he have friends who always have been blokey/all about the bants/sorrynotsorry insulting?
When you got together with him, he might have had a few touches of the sort of lazy, unthinking racism that some white people have been brought up with but, since the referendum and the rise of open fascism here and in the US, a lot more people have been radicalised (an acquaintance of mine, who I had always thought of as basically OK if a bit dull, now regularly posts long rants about what a martyr that fucker Yaxley Lennon is.)

I'm sorry, OP. I don't think I would be able to stay with a man who held views like this.

Seems like his views and outlook on life is different to yours. Those a critical things for long term happiness. The fact that his outlook happens to be racist though would make me 🏃

@Backinthecloset123 How do you know they're not just hiding their racist views better as they don't want an argument? OP is living in the same house as this arse who thinks it's okay to ask his Ds 'where's your foreign friend?" I wouldn't be wasting a minute of my life trying to talk him out of saying that kind of crap out loud, because I'd know he was still thinking it, and it would make me sick to be living with such ugly attitudes.

It's people like you who have made this country shit' and gave me the most nasty look

It's not just the racism though, is it? Although that's bad and ignorant enough.

It's his attitude to YOU which is most appalling. The nasty look. The 'people like YOU'. I'd have asked him why the F he was with me in that case.

He does not sound like a nice man to be around.

www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/peter-boghossian/how-to-have-impossible-conversations/9780738285320/

This book sounds great, can't wait to read it.
Downton57 I just happen to think call-out culture and shutting down opposing views is really damaging society, and causing more fallout than not. Of course racism is awful, but if OP does not at least attempt (if they want to) changing his views and leaves him, the guy is going to have 1:1 time with his kid to carry on his racist bilge. For me, it would be worth the attempt for that reason alone.

People like you - that includes your - HIS - DC. They too ARE people like YOU.

In a heartbeat. The world is tough enough without facing racism in your own home.

People don’t just suddenly develop racist behaviour; it’s something that would have been very apparent early in the relationship. The post just doesn’t ring true.

People's views change over the course of their lifetime for many reasons. I know people who have gotten progressively more right wing as they've gotten older, for example. I know a guy who worked at McDonalds for years and is now militantly vegan and forever posting stuff about the evils of capitalism on social media.
It's entirely possible that as someone who comes from a family with bigoted views, so had the seed planted young, OP's DP could gradually become more extreme in his views over time. Think about everything that has happened culturally and politically in the six years since OP had been with this man. We now have a PM who has made openly racist and islamaphobic statements and it hasn't stopped him getting the top job. The President of the USA is openly racist and gets away with it, in fact a lot of people love him for it. People like Nigel Farage being given a platform to blame immigrants for all the country's ills. These things have an impact. People with racist views who previously hid them because they weren't socially acceptable now feel legitimised and are emboldened to express those views. I really don't think it's as unusual as some posters are making out. Racists aren't born racist, are they? Their views develop over time.

I was wondering if your dp was emotionally abusive towards you and was using this as a way to demean you?

How does he behave towards you in general?
Does he criticise other aspects of your appearance?

I realise he has been racist towards other people but does he just say this in your presence or does he hold these views in front of others?

It would be relationship over for me too.

I've got a member of my family who is disgustingly racist who I no longer see. Talking to him didn't do anything, he doesn't like foreigners, doesn't want them in his country and nothing anyone can say to him will change that.

I can't get past racism, it's disgusting and shouldn't be tolerated.

Racists and people who stick up for racists are scum. I’m not surprised you want to break up for him and would fully support you to do it.

OP, since he's now directing his racial hatred towards you, it'll be only a matter of time before he starts on your DS. Either to pass on racist views or to be nasty to him for having "foreign blood".

I think you need to leave. Far better for your DS to live with you alone, than be with his dad and exposed to this.

And for the doubters, I spent 30 years with someone, and left after abusive behaviour. in the last few years of the relationship my ex started spouting racist, homophobic, misogynistic, xenophobic, etc, etc views, when he'd be pretty neutral in the years before. His nasty views escalated massively during the Brexit campaign and afterwards. I left because of the abusive behaviour, but his views certainly came into why I left as well. He did read the DM, and I was so glad to stop having to buy it after leaving.

Absolutely no way I would put up with that kind of attitude from ANYONE partner, parents, family, friends, children... absolute deal breaker for me!

That would be the end of the relationship for me. I would not have attitudes (It's people like you who have made this country shit' and gave me the most nasty look) like that directed towards me or my child.

People can have relationships when there are differences of opinion; exposure to other thinking and culture can bring everyone closer together. DH was quite traditional and a bit homophobic when we met, due to his upbringing, but has massively changed now to the extent if he talks to our small DC about future partners, he always says man/woman/whoever. However, your DP has presumably had a chance to change, and is actually getting worse and now directing racist abuse at you. How will your children grow up, believing they are unwelcome and there's something wrong with them?

I’m assuming all the people saying put up with it are likely unaffected by racism (in all likelihood white) and just don’t see it as a big deal (all rosy when it’s not something your dealing with)

Personally it would be enough to end it for me, especially if you’ve got a child involved who will end up the same way if it’s not dealt with properly, We have “friends” similar to your partner OP - had no inkling to begin with then overtime little “jokes” would appear, we’d call them out (usually the DH of the couple) and it would be passed off as bad humour
Then it became apparent this was just his personality, now we see very little of them (only at mutual friends children’s parties etc) and I keep our DC well away from him (and unfortunately their sons in the future)

Ignorance breeds intolerance unfortunately

My child's grandparent is "foreign" and i;m very proud of her heritage and hope she embraces it

Does your DS spend time with your parents OP? It would worry me what your "D"P might attempt to convince him

I never normally say this but LTB, he could end up showing disdain for his own child and you deserve to be spoken to much better