To think this comment from DP was disgusting?

[DarkGreenMini]

I've been with DP for 6 years. Slowly over the years he has been showing a different side to him, that he is racist. For the first year he never said or did anything racist then slowly after that he would make racist comments that I would call him out on and he'd apologise saying it's just bad humour.
It has become clear though that he has very racist views, learned from his family (who I don't see often so didn't know this about them).
We have had arguments over his views and comments in the past and he has said that it's just how he was brought up but that he won't make comments any more.
What makes no sense is my parents were immigrants so I don't understand why he would even have gotten involved with me if he is so against immigrants.
Anyway, today I told him that our DS had made a friend who doesn't speak much English but that they get on so well even though DS is speech delayed.
DP sarcastically said 'great' and muttered something about needing to see the parents 'first'. He then said to DS 'where's your foreign friend?'
I instantly said to him not to say anything like that to DS as he doesn't need to learn racist behaviour from him, to which he replied 'It's people like you who have made this country shit' and gave me the most nasty look.
I'm utterly disgusted by his comment and his racism.
He obviously hid this very well at the start of our relationship but this last year he's been like a different person with his attitude to anyone from a different country.
I'm honestly considering ending our relationship because I can't tolerate racism.

PlanDeRaccordement - you don't necessarily have to outwardly say anything obviously racist in order to be a racist. Most racists I know are very careful with their words, so as to not actually say anything that could land them in trouble. What they do instead is use more 'neutral' words like "foreigner" or "stranger" in order to 'other' people from minority ethnic backgrounds.

Example - there was one black family living in my village when I was growing up. They lived there for 10 years and yet they were still referenced as "the strangers living in [insert street name]". They were British born and raised!

With explicit racism, it is easy to challenge it - that's why racists tend to hide their true intent. The OP relays a more subtle type of racism that seeks to belittle and 'other' people from minority ethnic backgrounds (including the OP herself).

I've seen 'subtle racism' played out infinite times in my lifetime against my mother - people would act completely differently around her than they would around my father (my father being white). I'm white-passing and I've heard people being openly racist in my presence but then toning down the racism when actually in the presence of someone they deem 'foreign'.

I hope that you're just being woefully naive about racism, but please reconsider your comment and understand that it is minimising. Racism isn't just calling people N or P etc. Racism can be subtle and systematic. For ethnic minorities it can feel like a death by a thousand cuts.

PlanDeRaccordement and I'm not only conflating racism/use of words like "foreign" and "immigrant" with non-white backgrounds. My husband who is Eastern European has also faced racism - people pick up on the accent.

One of my friends from school was Irish (so white) and still faced discrimination on the basis of his Irish heritage. His parents were still made to feel 'foreign' despite living in England longer than they had in Ireland.

PlanDeRaccordement - many racists do marry partners from ethnic minorities. Last example - one of my mum's friends was Iranian married to an English man. This man hated everything to do with Iran, barely could put up with Iranian people in his home, basically refused to allow her to live according to her own cultural customs and norms.

Because he found her attractive but hated her cultural heritage.

Forcing someone to conform to the practices of your own culture is racist because it eliminates the freedom of expression of ethnic minorities.

Racists are generally willing to overlook 'race/ethnicity' in individual people of interest, but will still hold racist attitudes to the given 'race/ethnicity/culture' as a group. After a while, when the relationship hits tricky stages this underlying antipathy towards the 'race/ethnicity/culture' seeps out against the partner.

I've seen this played out again and again.

Everyone knows a racist who says "oh but I have a black friend"/"My wife is German, of course I don't hate Germany" when they clearly have shown distaste towards 'black culture' or 'Germany' etc. in the past.

AmberDino has it spot on. To put it another way s lots of men are misogynists but marry women - and go on to abuse and belittle them.

Also there are people who say they hate e.g 'blacks' but 'xx at work is OK, he's different'. He's not different, the speaker has a stereotype of the others that is wrong, he thinks xx is OK because he's taken the trouble to get to know him (or been forced to through working together).

haven't RTFT but … I don't live in the UK any more. Every time I go back i realise just how much insidious racism is creeping in and getting worse every time.

And then you get guff like this - which would have been better if it had started with "I'm not being racist but..." as a heads up that it is vile racist shit.

Remind him that without the help of 'foreigners' we wouldn't have won ww2 and would likely all be German now (not inferring any disrespect towards Germany\Germans!!)

It's knobheads like him that have actually made this country shit.

Entirely this.

I can’t stand racism , especially around children too. I have racist friends and it really angers me . The comment itself would pee me off big time but the breaking point for me would be the comment of it’s people like you who make our country shit . That would be it for me I’m afraid . YANBU ! X

Can I just say, a few posters seem to think it's inevitable your child will be racist with him as a dad, but I grew up with two VERY racist parents and I am not! I work for a refugee charity supporting refugees and it proper turns my parents stomach, but I do not share their views!

But I would also LTB. I Couldn't live with a racist again! Spent too long biting my tongue to want to go back to that.

He isn’t the man that you fell in love with. That’s reason enough to LTB.

Shocked at some of the comments on here.

The old "OPs DH doesn’t hate immigrants because he married one." excuse. Wtf. Do people really believe that lame rubbish? I suppose Plan thinks men who marry women cannot be sexist. That is excuse is right up there with 'I don't resent women's rights, I'm married to one.' and 'I am not racist, but....' and 'I am not racist (or homophobic etc), one of my best friends is black'. When you denote someone as being 'foreign', you are denoting that they are not like you, that they are 'other'. It is easier to then dehumanise the person, as they are 'other', they are 'not like us'.

That, is THE very meaning and very essence of racism. Manipulative wordplays by racists won't change that.

I have racist friends and it really angers me . Why do you have them as friends, @Itsemily ?

I had this with an ex but his bug issue was with homosexuality, to the point that I wondered if he was actually gay himself and couldn't actually say it. It was a massive deal breaker for me and racism is no different, particularly when there are children involved.

I can't believe a poster blamed the OP for her partner's racist comment! I mean that's exactly what everyone would do if they were accused of being racist, they'd immediately attack with a despicable, racist comment- that's sure to persuade people they're not bigoted .