To think this comment from DP was disgusting?

[DarkGreenMini]

I've been with DP for 6 years. Slowly over the years he has been showing a different side to him, that he is racist. For the first year he never said or did anything racist then slowly after that he would make racist comments that I would call him out on and he'd apologise saying it's just bad humour.
It has become clear though that he has very racist views, learned from his family (who I don't see often so didn't know this about them).
We have had arguments over his views and comments in the past and he has said that it's just how he was brought up but that he won't make comments any more.
What makes no sense is my parents were immigrants so I don't understand why he would even have gotten involved with me if he is so against immigrants.
Anyway, today I told him that our DS had made a friend who doesn't speak much English but that they get on so well even though DS is speech delayed.
DP sarcastically said 'great' and muttered something about needing to see the parents 'first'. He then said to DS 'where's your foreign friend?'
I instantly said to him not to say anything like that to DS as he doesn't need to learn racist behaviour from him, to which he replied 'It's people like you who have made this country shit' and gave me the most nasty look.
I'm utterly disgusted by his comment and his racism.
He obviously hid this very well at the start of our relationship but this last year he's been like a different person with his attitude to anyone from a different country.
I'm honestly considering ending our relationship because I can't tolerate racism.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I abhor racism and the ignorance that goes with it. The fact he directed a racist comment at you with a nasty look is really quite chilling. It sounds like it's only going to get worse I'm afraid. He clearly does not respect your family background or your views. I would ask him to leave.

If you do choose to leave him (which is absolutely reasonable) then I think your child would be better off without that vile influence also

If it were me that horrible awful comment (abusive comment imo) would make me question what else has he hidden so well, why did he hide his racism so well for such a long time and why did he get with someone whose parents are immigrants with these views of his, there may be more nasty motives going on under the surface

It doesn't matter if the OP leaves him or not, he can still pass his views onto the child. He could do this 50% of the time and OP wouldn't be there to counteract them.

Ew, he sounds gross. Don't understand other posters ok with it. Depends what you stand for I guess, I find racism and narrow minded men impossible to find attractive

I absolutely would not tolerate this, what he said to you was vile. Leaving your partner of 6 years and the father of your child is not an easy thing to do, but I can definitely see why you are considering it. Some will say you’d be a fool for staying with him.

However, I believe (perhaps naively) that people can change their attitudes - so if it was me I’d give him an ultimatum. Absolutely no racist language or behaviour otherwise you and DS are off. If he refuses, or can’t manage it - then you know what you need to do. Your DS may well grow up to be a racist as well if he continues to hear his father’s comments.

Personally its a deal breaker for me. The fact he hid it for so long aswell. Hes now trying to teach it to your dc.

Deal breaker here too.

Sounds like he's starting to show his true colours and/or drinking the fake news and propaganda online...

I couldn't stay with someone who thought I was part of the problem. And your son is half you. What message is that sending him?

Deal breaker I'm afraid.

there is no blurred lines here.racism nope.its not the right of someone elses opinion,its not ignorance or how theyve been brought up.the moment your a racist your fucking wrong!its no an opinion its wrong.
it not the right of someone else to think how they wish,they ARE WRONG.disgusting even.
im quite sickened by some responses here.fucking hell.

Disgusted by some of the comments including the one from @Greatnorthwoods who seems to be trying to imply that you’re unreasonable to consider ‘breaking your family up’ by leaving a horrible racist. I’d leave him for sure, I couldn’t tolerate his sickening views and I wouldn’t want my son around such a moron - I’d be horrified if my son started repeating some of the vile things his father says and I’d be generally embarrassed and ashamed of myself to be associated with someone like your DP.

The people who think it's not a big deal.... Doesn't take a huge intellectual leap to understand why!
Brexit has made unspoken/taboo views acceptable. Plenty of people were closet racists and now they have carte blanche to say what the fuck they want.
It's still hate speech and still despicable.
I would leave him for this OP.

I have had unfortunately many racist bigots in my life. When I was 16 my best friend spoke about “bloody foreigners” “Those black bastards”
I couldn’t get my head around it, she had never shown herself to be a racist or a bigot. I knew her Mam well, probably didn’t spend much time with her but we went on holiday and she showed her true colours. Her language towards anyone of different colour (she was white) was disgusting and she had no time for “foreigners” in their own country
She insisted on calling the footballer Thierry Henry “Terry Henry”
I could see how my friend became racist. I can totally understand how the op didn’t see it in her OH. I’m sorry but I couldn’t stay with someone which those views. No exceptions or educating them, fuck that

A friend of mine was in a relationship for months with a man who was an absolutely vile racist. The signs were always there. She just convinced herself that it was all in her head and that she was misinterpreting things, because it was incomprehensible to her that someone who was racist would choose to be in a relationship with her (an Asian woman whose parents were immigrants). So it does happen.

She'd have probably have been with him much longer if she hadn't found out that he was also an adulterer with a secret wife. Oh, and he assaulted his wife when she found out about the relationship, and my friend also found out that he'd been bragging about one of his hobbies consisting of intimidating and "bashing" gay men.

I think otherwise good people can be ignorant and have bizarre misconceptions about other groups based on things they've read. Those people can be reasoned with. But I don't believe that actual hatred and contempt for people based on nationality or skin colour is ever going to be an isolated trait in somebody who is otherwise a complete sweetheart. (Obviously, I don't mean that racism isn't enough to be a deal-breaker in itself, just that it's naive to think that you can have a lovely dad and kind, respectful husband who just happens to hate immigrants. My dad would consider himself to be a good guy who just doesn't like Jews or black people - actually, he was a bully both at home and in the workplace).

Find it hard to believe that this racist behaviour has only recently surfaced tbh.

I've seen other people posting on this line of thought and yes it's very possible. I experienced the same thng with my ex. When we got together he presented as very left wing, ground roots socialism. We were married for about 7yrs.

After I broke up with him (about 2yrs after) I was explaining to DS that I was seeing someone new, who was black. I told him it was ok if he wanted to tell his dad that I was seeing someone else (there was a lot of anxiety about this)

DS said to me that he wouldn't mention my new DP's race as his dad had turned very racist. 😒 Apparently to fall in line with his new partner's family. All very odd.

My DS had had friends of other races, so did his dad. I could not understand why he had changed so dramatically. But I guess people just do.

YANBU.

What makes no sense is my parents were immigrants so I don't understand why he would even have gotten involved with me if he is so against immigrants.

Most racists are complete hypocrites so no surprise.

Frankly, I think that raising your child to be racist is a form of child abuse, you are indoctrinating them into hate, which does not lead to a happy, successful life, people who hate are not happy, it's not healthy.

There was a case sometime ago in the US of a family who lost their children, they were extreme white supremacist and had called their son Adolf Hitler and their daughter Arian Nation.

In such extreme cases, I agree the children should be removed, they are being radicalised, which is bad for them and potentially dangerous for all of us if they turn to violence when they grow up. White supremacist terrorism is a threat.

Have you spoken to him about this OP?

For those who say "how could she [OP] not know", you can live with someone for 30 years and never really know them. It's possible. For example. John Wayne Gacy's wife and family. He was even prominent in political networking. Yet he had a 30-odd year habit of raping and murdering, and burying boys and men. Also the BTK killer. Was a head ranger, respected in his town. Had a wife and daughter who adored him, and he was Binding, Torturing and Killing (and raping as well as masturbating over the dead bodies) women and even hacking them up, over a period of 20-30 years. His distraught wife divorced him and his daughter divorced him. These two men had families, wives, children. Who had absolutely no idea.

I know racism and these horrific crimes are nothing alike, and I'm not trying to link the two. I am just making the point that you can never really fully know someone who is evil and hides it, even if you've been married to the for 34+ odd years. I am always surprised that people truly think that it isn't possible not to know a person.

*daughter disowned him

The DP hardly expressing himself eloquently but there certainly is a reasoned debate to be had about the benefits and drawbacks of uncontrolled borders.

However, a reasoned debate is never going to be possible in the current climate.

Reasoned debate and tolerance used to be the norm and have now been replaced by dog whistle intolerance, anger, bitterness and calumny.

@DarkGreenMiniHe sounds not only extremely racist but is also deeply disrespectful of you. It sounds as though he had a tough upbringing and his family are toxic. And he clearly shares the same views as them but had hidden it well for many years. And the question is, can you spend your life with someone like this? And also what of your son? It’s not fair on either of you to stay. But be warned, he clearly kept a lot of nasty behaviour from you so I’d advise you to tread carefully and sort out your paperwork etc.

I think a lot of people who voted for Brexit had this simmering inside of them. Blaming others for their problems and inadequacies instead of calling those politicians who are responsible accountable.

I find the posters shrugging their shoulders quite appalling and rather shocking. When people turn a blind eye and shrugging their shoulders to racist behaviour because it doesn’t have a negative effect them then it’s almost as you are condoning racism.

Cherrysoup It's people like you who have made this country shit
What, people like you, i.e. a) loony liberals or b) people like you (immigrants)?
Yes, I was wondering which of these two he meant. I might leave him for the latter but not the former.

Absolute dealbreaker for me. If my dp said things like that he would disgust me and I would find it impossible to be around him.

This

I would just put up with it. It’s not that big a deal

Brexit really normalised being racist in the UK, didn’t it? You must be so happy you don’t have to hide anymore.