To think this comment from DP was disgusting?

[DarkGreenMini]

I've been with DP for 6 years. Slowly over the years he has been showing a different side to him, that he is racist. For the first year he never said or did anything racist then slowly after that he would make racist comments that I would call him out on and he'd apologise saying it's just bad humour.
It has become clear though that he has very racist views, learned from his family (who I don't see often so didn't know this about them).
We have had arguments over his views and comments in the past and he has said that it's just how he was brought up but that he won't make comments any more.
What makes no sense is my parents were immigrants so I don't understand why he would even have gotten involved with me if he is so against immigrants.
Anyway, today I told him that our DS had made a friend who doesn't speak much English but that they get on so well even though DS is speech delayed.
DP sarcastically said 'great' and muttered something about needing to see the parents 'first'. He then said to DS 'where's your foreign friend?'
I instantly said to him not to say anything like that to DS as he doesn't need to learn racist behaviour from him, to which he replied 'It's people like you who have made this country shit' and gave me the most nasty look.
I'm utterly disgusted by his comment and his racism.
He obviously hid this very well at the start of our relationship but this last year he's been like a different person with his attitude to anyone from a different country.
I'm honestly considering ending our relationship because I can't tolerate racism.

My DM and DSF were consistently racist and bigoted throughout my childhood. Not lynching party-racist but enthusiastic Brexit Party-racist. Blamed immigrants for everything, used 'fun' racist slang for different nationalities and definitely saw them as 'less' due to their ethnic origins.

I'm not. These right-wing, bigoted views disgust me. Saying you were brought up with these views is no excuse - if you have a mind of your own you can break the cycle. Your DH on the other hand? He's either a mindless follower or he's chosen to embrace those views as an adult.

I don’t really understand how this could only become evident over the course of years

Leave him. Not just because he’s racist (which would be reason enough) but also his complete and utter disdain for you.

It would be a huge deal breaker for me. He'd be gone!

I'd definitely be out of the marriage OP.

Some disgusting people on this thread to expect a woman to put up with being racially abused and for her child to be subject to racist viewpoints. It absolutely is a big deal and downplaying it says alot about some of the individuals on here .

I can't imagine what kind of impact this could have on your DS growing up, whether you stay or leave DP. He will pick up on the fact his dad is contemptuous of his own heritage, because DS's grandparents are immigrants.

What kind of man could do that to his own child?

(Let alone the mother of his child, his own partner?)

Those saying not a big deal, you really need to check your own sense of worth if you think being treated that way by your partner, and your own DC being abused too, is OK.

I see that the racists are on mumsnet tonight @Greatnorthwoods @Ifyoulikepinacolidas

OP, personally I would end it. He's a racist. From the sound of it, this is already negatively affecting you and eventually it will negatively affect your DS.

To the poster that says times have changed. Nope, people are just more open about their views.

I reckon 90% of people would not leave their partners/ family for the aforementioned.

If you stay with him, he will always have a green light to put you down, whether directly or indirectly. I hope that's not one of the perverse reasons he got with you.

Not to mention the confliction for your DC, either having to deny his GP to reflect his fathers attitude or internalise the view that he is somehow 'less' because of his damn genetics.

Uggh.

and pp, stop dragging bloody brexit into everything

I couldn't be with someone like that.

How can people have such low standards that they’d be willing to overlook racism

OP - he’d be out of the door in an instant.

Sorry, can't type fast enough. @ShawshanksRedemption said it much better than I could.

Remove everything else and come back to this
'It's people like you who have made this country shit'
Leave him. Now.

I bet you all that if instead of It's people like you who have made this country shit to his immigrant partner he said "It's fat people like you who ruin NHS" to an overweight wife there would NOT be 4% voting YABU and poster saying it's not a big deal

How the hell can people just do "meh" at this... No wonder the country is going to shit🙄

My dmil has started showing a very slightly racist side since Brexit. Lots of talk about people coming to this country to scrounge.

As the proud daughter of two immigrants who worked night and day to provide for us and never claimed a penny, this rankles somewhat. Particularly when dil’s -
• bought their council house (my dp’s saved enough to buy multiple houses outright, none of which were subsidised by the state), • receive disability allowance (absolutely deserved, but my dm, who also has significant difficulties would not dream of it - against her scrounging immigrant beliefs)
• dmil has never worked a day in her life.

The unpleasantness of it all has really hurt me and I can’t help but put her straight whenever she opens her mouth as I will not have my dc thinking that these views are acceptable. She will say ‘Oh but your family are different’. I point out that they are absolutely not, and most people move to this country for the opportunity to work for a better life.

I have to remind myself that it is just lack of education (and Daily Mail readership) that makes her like this so I feel slightly sorry for her. It is difficult to hold my temper but dh will happily tell her off, and it makes me very proud that the kids now put her straight too.

I understand how you feel, and I do not say this lightly, but if your dh truly holds these beliefs, I think you should reconsider your relationship. Your core values are miles apart and I just don’t see a way for either of you to move past this.

I hope you are ok op.

no I’m not being sarcastic. The OP may not agree but everyone has different views don’t they? I wouldn’t break up my home and my family just because of a few comments

Everyone has different views, yeah. Some people are racist, and some, hopefully most, are not. It's not just a few comments, it's what they represent and the type of person they represent.

My (mixed race) brother was beat into a coma when I was a kid, because of his colour, and it's because of twats with attitudes like the OP's partner that shit like that happens. I'll be sure to let DBro know it was no big fucking deal though

Have you talked with him about how it makes you feel when he makes these comments, coming as you do from a family of migrants? About how it's hating on your family, you, and actually your child? Is he okay with how that makes you feel? How would he feel if you turned around and said, 'well, actually, it's the bigoted, xenophobic, ignorant pricks that think like you that have made this country shit?' Would he be happy if you then said, 'well, that's just my opinion, I'm entitled to hold it'. Would he be happy if you were telling your child this kind of rhetoric about his father?

I really do think that possibly in this instance, mediation could be a very good idea, where an independent third party could facilitate understanding between the two of you perhaps?

But if it didn't. . . well, yes, I would find it very hard living with someone who had actively voiced such hostility and contempt towards myself, my family, and my strongly held beliefs.

Deal breaker for me.

@DarkGreenMini I really do understand. My best friend who I lived with for two years at uni and who I spoke to everyday turned out to be like this. I only found out via her social media post brexit. I'm mixed race and she was posting and liking the most awful racist and xenophobic things and had a secret account where she was slagging off me too because of her awful views. I felt so betrayed. Stupid.

Why make friends with me if she was always a racist. We were so close, inseparable really. I couldn't figure out what it was all about.

It must be 1000 times worse when it's your husband and father of your child. I'm so sorry.

@Northernparent68 its racist. Please don’t excuse even ‘small’ racist/xenophobic comments. They land and hurt people.

He sounds pretty thick if he thinks having a bit of extra pigmentation in your skin suddenly makes you an "other"

I couldn't put up with this.

@DarkGreenMini How else does he behave towards you? How does he treat you and DS each day?

If your DP is racist, how come he chose to be with you, knowing your family background? Do you think he's being radicalised in some way by his own family - does he see them often?

I notice the racist posters havent come back to defend their views. As usual, like most people who hold these views, they are chickenshit.

I dont think i could stay with someone who was a blatant racist. What would be the point? I dont find thick and ignorant to be attractive.

I wouldn’t be tolerating this. He’s a bigot and has already shown contempt for you. Where does it go from there and what will your DS learn from this?