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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

226 replies

Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 05:38

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 01/11/2019 05:57

I remember your other threads and I agree that I simply can't imagine wanting to profit from my child, steal from them and leave them in financial detriment. I would suggest counselling for him for the emotional fallout but also he needs to be proactive and accept what she has done and how wrong it is. He needs to speak to his bank and contact the police. Has he done this? Did he confront her?

PhilCornwall1 · 01/11/2019 06:08

Has he changed his bank details and contacted the Police?

I could never imagine having to report one of my parents to the Police, but this really is theft on quite a level and she needs to face consequences for what she has done.

VisibleShantiLine · 01/11/2019 06:17

What are his thoughts about this? I totally understand if you are angry and sad for him, but if he won't admit this is a problem then you need to think about the fact that it isn't just him you need to worry about. If you're in a committed relationship this is affecting your finances too. And your relationship.

What a dreadful woman.

Goldenchildsmum · 01/11/2019 06:19

What does your DP say about it?

BovaryX · 01/11/2019 06:27

What his mother has done is absolutely horrendous and its psychological and financial impact will affect him for a long time. The first thing is you both need to protect yourself from any further damage. As has been suggested by other posters, he needs to completely change all bank account passwords, inform the bank and ensure that other accounts haven’t been opened using his name. I would report her to the police and obviously sever all contact. She should be facing prosecution.

fluffygreenmonsterhoody · 01/11/2019 06:29

Has he at least changed his bank details? I hope he’s not allowing it to continue by being an ostrich.

pemberlyshades · 01/11/2019 06:37

I remember your Newcastle thread and thought that was bad but I am shocked at this!!!!

I don't really know what to suggest apart from maybe a course of counselling for your partner so he can decide how he wants to proceed? Be that do nothing, cut contact or get a solicitor involved.

babybrain77 · 01/11/2019 06:39

How has he not noticed that amount of money coming out of his account over such a long period of time? It seems really bizarre to me that she could have sent herself £8k in a year without him ever being short of cash or wondering why his balance had changed. If he has willingly given her his online banking details and authorised her to act on his behalf financially (?) I would doubt the police would do anything, and the bank almost certainly wouldn't.

I would think it goes without saying that you should have no further contact with this woman. It's a disgusting way to treat your own family.

showmewhatyougot · 01/11/2019 06:44

I remember reading your first post! Your poor OH is he ok?

Agree with the others that therapy and talking openly about it is the best way. Will he report her to police/bank fraud? X

Besidesthepoint · 01/11/2019 06:45

If he's so trusting with finances then maybe you should handle it for him?

At the very least I'd change banks so she can't walk into an office where they might know her and remember that she was allowed to take money out.

Does she have a key to uour house? Because then you might want to get new locks as well.

StinkGhoul · 01/11/2019 06:50

I’m so sorry, I can’t even imagine this (and I speak as someone with a parent who did the worst things imaginable but at least they’re out of my life - a parent doing this while smiling and buying you gifts is beyond comprehension).

I would definitely encourage him to lock his finances down urgently and seek counselling. Does she still have access? How long has he known this?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 01/11/2019 06:52

You can be as outraged as you like but unless your boyfriend (he's still not your partner!) is outraged enough to make some basic decisions and changes then nothing will happen. You were told by posters in your previous thread that unless he is willing to deal with it then nothing will change. You should not be taking on responsibility for this. There is obviously some weird dynamic going on here.

Does your bf have learning difficulties? Because how an adult cannot know roughly how much should be in their bank account is quite unbelievable. He should know how much is going in and how much is going out. If a thousand pounds a month waa inexplicably disappearing from my account to the point I was overdrawn (as you mentioned in your last thread) then I'd be looking in to it.

I honestly think there is more to this arrangement than you are being told. And I honestly think this is a relationship that is not going to work out for you longterm.

WaningGibbous · 01/11/2019 06:53

What's he doing about it? Yes she's taken advantage of him but he freely admits to giving her his bank details and never checking his statements, despite being on sick pay. He's 40, right? How much of the "we are dealing with this" is you and how much is him?

flapjackfairy · 01/11/2019 06:55

How come he didn't notice such large amounts disappearing?

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 06:57

Hi all thanks so much. Really appreciate the support. He has confronted her, it's come out in dribs and drabs the extent of what she has stolen, how long it had been going on for and how it most likely would not have stopped except she got locked out at the end of July by putting in his password wrong.

She has cried and apologised and taken a loan (at god knows what Apr) and replaced some of the money. He has checked his credit score which is fine so it looks like no other loans in his name. He's been in shock and says he can't check back earlier than 2017 in case he never speaks to her again.

I never ever want to clap eyes on her ever again. I'm amazed at how strongly I am feeling about this - can't sleep, it goes round and round in my head how she could have done this to him.
And then of course there were the 'couples payments' in Newcastle- effectively making me pay for a 'treat' shed chosen knowing he was skint. And the lack of generosity, basically because she hadnt been able to steal from him.

No she doesn't know where my spare door key is and yes I think she is pathological and a danger.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 01/11/2019 06:58

Gosh she's a prize isn't she? Your poor DP. I'm not sure if I could report to the police but then I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone with a fairly normal parent! In this instance you'd have to give it serious thought.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 07:01

I think because it was repeated small ish withdrawals - 200 here, 300 there, that it was less obvious to him - obviously he's been an idiot, I did lose trust in him because I thought he must be lying to me about where the money was going before the scale of the theft come out. I do think he's the victim here - someone he trusted who he respected has been stealing from him. He is being proactive and seems to be in shock though, which is understandable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 07:03

He can't bear the thought of police involvement. I'd call the police on her in a shot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 07:05

And yes he is closing his account, opening a new one and has paid off much of the loan with the money she has put in his bank account.

OP posts:
BovaryX · 01/11/2019 07:08

Stfran, it sounds like he is in shock which is unsurprising given the enormity of the betrayal. However, it also sounds like he doesn’t want to confront the reality of what has happened hence the comment about not checking back further in case he doesn’t speak to her. That situation is untenable because she is clearly dangerous and manipulative and if he refuses to accept that unfortunate reality, you will have a very hard road to hoe.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 07:09

And I do think he does have some adhd type needs but I don't think it should stop him functioning, but from what other posters said on the other thread ADHD can make it more difficult to deal with finances , I don't know though

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 07:11

That situation is untenable because she is clearly dangerous and manipulative and if he refuses to accept that unfortunate reality, you will have a very hard road to hoe.
This .
Because at the the end of the day if he doesn't confront all of it, protect himself completely and go low contact with her I don't think I can possibly stay with him.

OP posts:
BoxFox · 01/11/2019 07:11

Bloody hell, OP, I thought my IL’s were bad enough.

I immediately turned off the taps when we married. There were a few attempts to railroad DH after that, but they got nowhere.

Luckily they all hate me now, so communication is almost nil.

Your fella needs to man up, or you need to move on.

AwdBovril · 01/11/2019 07:13

I would call the police, TBH. They will almost certainly do nothing at this time, as will the bank. However she's got into a pattern of behaviour (of feeling she's entitled to help herself to other people's money) & it wouldn't surprise me if she tried it again, either with your DH or another family member.

Has your DH checked she's not somehow managed to get hold of a copy of his debit card or anything? Copy of a cheque book? Is there any way she could do that? This would be a good reason to notify the bank and police of her behaviour. To check exactly what she has done - she's obviously been lying about it for years, I wouldn't assume you know everything.

BovaryX · 01/11/2019 07:16

Stfran, yes. Ultimately it comes down to your self preservation. Perhaps counseling might help him? It’s quite difficult to understand why he seems willing to maintain a relationship with his mother after what she has done, but none of it bodes well.