To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

[Stfrancesof]

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

im going to let this awful news sink in, be there for him .....and run for the hills if he is still involved with her in a way that puts him emotionally or financially at risk.

I wouldn't dump him right now no as that seems a bit harsh but I will watch carefully how he behaves over the next few months and make a decision then. Also trying to take a massive massive step back

I havent kept up since the Newcastle thread. I thought you were stepping away then?? Step...heck, Id RUN

I think everyone is forgetting how easy it is to manipulate someone when you have a lifetime to do so. Children learn from their parents so if you were 16 or 17 and your mum told you 'this is how finances work' then you believe them, whether it's right or wrong. It;s not too dissimilar from santa cluas. We believe a magic man comes and leave gifts in the dead of winter to every child in the world BECAUSE OUR PARENTS TOLD US IT WAS THE TRUTH!

It's the same as allowing a parent to physically abuse you for years, (this is a parent abusing a child for years) you accept the reality of the world in which you are presented. It is the way it is. Everyone's dad hits them- it's normal... Everyone's mum nicks a little bit of money, it's normal....

And in regards to the people who don't know how you can not realize when £200 goes from your account, I sometimes have to check my bank statements because there is about £200 less than I thought. But i forgot about that taxi and the take away and that thing I ordered for my sister... etc and it all adds up but it isn't uncommon. Sometimes I just say, 'oh i thought there was more, oh well' because money flies out of your account. especially these days with netflix or amazon and virgin or sky and then regular bills. then the milk man or the other direct debits that you just have coming out.

Plus I imagine money has been going out of his bank for years, maybe his mum told him that sometimes banks take out some money for fees or it is common knowledge in his house that money just fritters itself away. There are lots of reasons.

Also I have given my parents or siblings my debit card and pin ad asked them to go to the shop for me or go to the cash point for me. I trust them to not take any more than I have asked. I wouldn't trust a friend but I would trust my dad or my sister.

It's easy to say 'stop speaking to her she is untrustworthy'
but before she became untrustworthy she was the most trusted person in this poor mans' life. How many of you can really say you don't trust your own mother, or didn't trust them at some point before they betrayed you.

I expect he did know something was up but not the extent. I imagine he didn't want to look into it and find out the truth because the truth hurts and he loves his mum more than he loves his mother.

And the police don't deal with fraud, you have to call ACTIONFRAUD and they won't 'arrest' the mum for a one off- but he does need the actionfraud reference number if he is to get any of the money back or even get it wipped from his credit history.

Pleas OP, can you look after him and not blame him. He is a victim as you said. It would be unfair to blame a wife if her husband did this to her. He needs support and if he is as kind and caring as you say, an experience like this could solidify your relationship. Just be there and help him through the worst betrayal of his life. Not many people know the sting of a parent doing this to them. It is horrific.

Genuinely can't understand how he didn't notice such large sums disappearing. I gave my DH my debit card the other day to bring me some things in from Asda. Then noticed that that £3 had been spent in Morrisons.

All perfectly innocent as they didn't have what I had asked for in Asda, so went to another supermarket.

The point being, I cannot fathom a 40yr old bloke not noticing £200-£300 a time going missing.

Summat not right.

If you seriously believe that an otherwise competent 40 y/o man didn't notice tens of thousands of pounds being stolen from him, then you are being incredibly naive. This story about not wanting to look more than three years back because it's too upsetting - really? Come on, wake up.

He acted like an arsehole in Newcastle - regardless of the facts around his Mum. You're brushing all of that behaviour away and using the stealing as the reason - but what he said and did was his own behaviour, not his Mum's. He chose to make you the bad guy.

Stop enabling him. This has all of the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship - he won't grow up because he doesn't want to, and you'll carry on getting involved because you feel the need to protect and save him.

He needs to drive the actions, not you. And if he can't even face looking at his own bank statements then he's hardly likely to start proactively taking responsibility for his own family relationships.

Beautiful post @halloweencandymania

I agree that is exactly how abuse works and he is for sure a victim and I'm not blaming him beyond asking he gives his head a wobble and does what he needs to do to protect himself . All the figures I've put are approx accurate

This has all of the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship - he won't grow up because he doesn't want to, and you'll carry on getting involved because you feel the need to protect and save him.

I agree with this.

I am actually beginning to suspect that this man has undiagnosed learning difficulties. He seems very hand-flappy and soft (which may be a lovely contrast to OP's previous boyfriends), but to have no actual idea about how real life is lived - almost as though he has existed in a bubble up until now.

It may seem harsh to dump him, OP, but it's going to be one hell of a lot harder on your pocket and your mental health to keep on seeing him. He is not a functional adult. He may appear to be, and he may pretend to be, but he really has no idea how to live life, and you are simply going to have to take over from his mum in prodding him through life.

I bet he says 'Oh! I didn't realise!' an awful lot, does he/

What happens when those employers she finds it "so easy to steal from" find out she's been stealing from them? They will contact the police, who will go over her finances with a fine-toothed comb. What if they ask your bf about some of the transactions which concern him? Will he lie? What if they ask you? Will you lie?

If you decide to stay with him you need to think about things like this; maybe not this exact situation, but another which is currently beyond your wildest imaginings - like this situation was, like Newcastle was. There'll be more...

OP - tell me something - does he have a job or is he on benefits? What’s his rough annual income?

Op honestly even taking his family out of the equation I would run for the hills:

1. He treated you appallingly in Newcastle;

1. He is financially irresponsible - I get his mum has been stealing money from him. However, who on earth doesn't notice fairly chunky sums of £200 - £300 flying out of their account when they're already in an overdraft. I get it if he has millions in the bank as they'd be insignificant sums, but that is plainly not the case. Even taking his mum out of the equation, he will likely drag you down financially.

Forgive the cynic in me but....

You were all ready to break up with him after Newcastle. He treated you like absolute shit. I don’t see how someone earning enough to not notice £20k being siphoned out of his account suddenly turns into the type to expect others to front however many hundreds for his birthday holiday.

Something is very very wrong with this family. Why do you feel so tied to him? Have I missed a post where he apologised profusely for his behaviour and unreasonable expectations? Or is it just the next rolling drama that keeps you invested?

I am sorry OP but I think your boyfriend is a weak man. I thought that in your Newcastle thread and I still think that now with bells on. He is a victim to himself. How on earth can anyone go through life and never check their bank statements? Please, don't get involved and offer to manage his money. Apart from you not stealing from him - having you controlling his finances is no different from his mother doing it.

Stfrancesof
@gpatz im going to let this awful news sink in, be there for him and then when the dust has settled see how he has handled it and run for the hills if he is still involved with her in a way that puts him emotionally or financially at risk.
.............
That is good to hear!

Words failed me when I read this thread, I remember your others. At the beginning of the story I couldn't work out what the woman was up to with the Newcastle trip but now we know. It's awful! Her own son, what a betrayal.

You have to protect your own finances, stfrancisof, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Just pay your way as usual and don't be too generous.

I agree with others that counselling will be the way forward for your boyfriend but it will take a long time for him to accommodate what his mother has done. This may push him over the edge. In that case you have to protect yourself in ways other than financial. I really hope he is genuine.

However what you said in above quote shows you do have your head screwed on.

Wishing you all the best.

You plan to wait months to see if he is as useless as all the evidence has shown over the last few months. Months? Really? Do you not value your own life? You don't get to add the time back or revert to a save point like in a game.

"I agree that is exactly how abuse works and he is for sure a victim and I'm not blaming him beyond asking he gives his head a wobble and does what he needs to do to protect himself"
Don't post if you don't want voices of reason. Why waste everyone's time and concern about you?

Still a man sees what he wants to see and disregards the rest. Hmmm.
(The Boxer by Paul Simon).

@TatianaLarina just as an FYI I took out a £12k loan with Tesco completely online - so that’s about the only part of the story I believe tbh!

OP, in a few months, you'll be even more invested than you are now. It's never going to be easier to end it than it is now. Seriously, what's it going to take? How bad does it need to get before you give your head a wobble and do what you need to do to protect yourself?

Not talking about the loan that she has just taken out, but the original one he took out with his bank. Which she supposedly increased.

SandAndSea, yes, that is a worry. On the other hand the op might be thoroughly fed up with it and withdraw from the scene. Or he might be OK.

Who knows? We'll just have to wait and see. I am glad StFrancis is posting here and the posts are so clear too, she's not daft! We're all vulnerable at times though.

Let's hope.

She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him.

OP, I understand your anger & outrage & would feel the same. But when you quite rightly ask How could someone do this to their own son?, you are not focused on how to fix this for the future.

The question should be "How the fuck did my partner not notice?"

To prevent this from happening again, your DP needs to wise up.
This means he is going to have to take a firm line, change his password & never let his sneak-thief mother near his accounts again, he must express his anger & disappointment, & tell his mother she is never having another penny of his hard-earned.

That sounds simple, but to do that I suspect he is going to first have to dig his way clear of family FOG - & that is NOT a simple understaking.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Does he have form for kowtowing to his mother?
Does she normally dictate to him, manipulate him, weigh him down with expectations, compete with you for his attention & affection?
If so - get him onto that website & possibly even into some counselling to learn more about how to manage her.

You are possibly going to have to write off the sums she has already helped herself to. But you can prevent her from taking any more. If I were in your shoes, I would be telling her she is lucky you are not going to the police to report her for fraud. Seriously. She NEEDS the wind put up her right now.

However, your biggest problem may be getting DP to act strongly & decisively. I hope he is good & angry, because if he isn't, he's already a victim of coercive control. Do not let this appalling discovery get minimised ro trivialised in any way.
It is NOT "ok cos it's family".

@halloweencandymania

Totally agree with this thoughtful and measured post.
It seems we have alot of ppl here who are totally perfcet when it comes to their and their DP's finances.

This has all of the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship - OP you said you agree with this - you do realise the poster was talking about you don't you? You've only been with this man a few months and if I remember rightly you are much younger.

Do you want a home and a family longer term? Because this guy is going to give you and any potential children a torturous journey in life if he doesn't grow up and move on from his family. If you really want to try to have a relationship with him you need to tell him to get his life in order, by all means offer a shoulder to cry on, but he needs to go NC or at least v LC away with this toxic family. You seem determined to rescue everyone in this drama, and therein lies the co-dependency.

bfs account shows movement between his to his dad's and back again ... I would doubt his dad has any idea she was doing that

You're putting an awful lot of faith in people you've not known long, OP, especially as your DP shows no sign of addressing this effectively ... he won't go to the police, won't look beyond 2017 in case it means they'll no longer talk, and will probably claim it's "all sorted" now she's taken a loan to repay him

What makes you so sure they're not all in it together, and Newcastle and now this are to see just how much you'll swallow before starting to steal from you too?

The fact that you agreed "you'll carry on getting involved because you feel the need to protect and save him" suggests you've no intention of breaking away until it's all too late and you've lost a packet too. Good luck with that

You sound lovely OP,
If he has some kind of additional adhd whatever, his mother will have known his weak points. She deliberately abused him.
Even seeing him broke, something she effectively caused. She still went for more.
He is still in denial, he won't look further back at his accounts.
His mother is sending round the flying monkeys, in way of his sister.

He hasn't told them to crawl back into their festering holes, they haven't shown remorse. he hasn't the oomph to stand up to them.
You don't ever want to see, or speak to his mother specifically ever again.
This does not sound like a harmonious set up for your relationship from the get go.
Not only that, but they know it was Your fault that the cat is out of the bag & the mother now in debt !
You may want to help him, but you really shouldn't get more ensconced in this family. You should bail now

Have you had any discussion about this with her or her husband directly? Are you sure he didn’t owe his parents this money, hence everyone’s reluctance to cough up for his spends in Newcastle? Could your Dp be manipulative enough that he’d sooner you believe this about his mother (who conveniently for him, you already dislike) than tell you that he owes them a huge amount?