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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

226 replies

Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 05:38

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 01/11/2019 08:04

I think she probably had every intention of appearing to pay for it but cut off her own access to his funds.

But he didn't have the funds to cover it himself so her cutting herself off from his money wasn't the issue.

I do wish you well, OP. I think this is nowhere near over, and I do agree you are too heavily invested now. But I suppose the fact that the whole situation is batshit makes it more intriguing to figure out.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 08:05

Thanks all sorry cross posting.

@Disfordarkchocolate I'd never heard of the like before - do you have any links for me to have a read as may help me get my head round it?

And thank you yes I am trying to be supportive and kind and just be there for him while he realises what a terrible betrayal he has gone through.

This does put Newcastle into perspective now as I think she probably had every intention of appearing to pay for it but cut off her own access to his funds. Exactly this. She wasn't able to rob him to pay for the treat so there was no treat.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 01/11/2019 08:07

We have an agreement to budget check before any spends

Look you need to leave this guy. He is your boyfriend, if I remember rightly you aren't together long, why the hell would you tie yourself to a financial fool who is a mummy's boy, tie yourself to his bitch of a mother and judging by the above comment take over his finances where mammy left off. This is a grown man, no self respecting adult let's mammy organise a loan for them, doesn't realise it's 3k over the amount he needed and doesn't notice 20k going to her account. He is either financially reckless or a fool, both maybe but why would you stay? Why start getting financially involved? Run, don't walk, run away from the whole family.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 08:07

Sadly I don't think that had stopped her before, just pushed him further into overdraft. She had locked herself out if his account that is the only reason it stopped.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 01/11/2019 08:09

And I don't believe he is innocent in all of this, he is definitely an idiot and not very bright but he definitely has a streak of his mother in there too and Newcastle proved it, more fool you if you stay

GPatz · 01/11/2019 08:10

'your boyfriend (he's still not your partner!)'

What now?

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 08:11

@CalmdownJanet I agree that if I read this scenario I would say exactly what you have. But I think he is naive at worst but he's always kind and supportive towards me and thoughtful towards others. He doesn't strike me as a thief.

OP posts:
Cloverbeauty · 01/11/2019 08:12

I'd run away too.

You aren't married, only known him a year. Why get entangled in this mess? He will end up being financially abused by her again, give it a few months and she'll be round crying about the payments she has to make.

He's an idiot, and you will be too if you stay. It's not your problem. Leave him to sort it out, it's his fault as well as hers.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 08:12

@gpatz im going to let this awful news sink in, be there for him and then when the dust has settled see how he has handled it and run for the hills if he is still involved with her in a way that puts him emotionally or financially at risk.

OP posts:
nocluewhattodoo · 01/11/2019 08:20

I wouldn't entangle myself in this situation further, being tied to a partners parent when they are awful is not fun believe me. And I wouldn't assume your boyfriend had no idea what was happening, my DP gave his dad over £50k of his inheritance, under a lot of pressure and emotional manipulation admittedly, but he could have said no.

Idontlikeitsomuch · 01/11/2019 08:25

Wow, if she took out 8K from your partner's account last year alone and he didn't realise or care, he must be so rich.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/11/2019 08:29

No links I'm afraid, my way of unwinding is to read problem pages and it comes up far more than you would imagine. Usually, parents, who are rubbish with money and can't get access to low I interest rates anymore.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/11/2019 08:32

OP...This drama...the latest one ... I don;t mean to be rude and offensive but your boyfriend sounds as slack as arseholes and his family sound liars and thieves what are you doing with them? Really? Is this how you want your life going forward? One drama after another with and lets be honest here the only person who is raging about everything and being upset is you? I promise you when you have sorted this fiasco out up will come another thing to outrage you. He is weak they are rotten...What are you doing with him/them? I would move on personally.If you arenot confident in seeing whats what you will be in for a sad upset life having to turn to mumsnet to try and point you in the right direction forever....just have a think about you maybe. You are way too invested in people who sadly seem devoid of ever being invested in you. Life shouldnt be like it is, wheres the fun,irresponsiblility,laughter,? Wheres the passion and spontinaity? where is the joy in your life? Its not being provided by these people...

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/11/2019 08:34

By the way this isnt your drama to sort .....it is his.

MzHz · 01/11/2019 08:36

I think he's got so used to it it just became normal. I know it's fucked up. It's fucking awful. But this is how this kind of thing happens isn't it? It just becomes your normal. Not my normal. But it certainly become his.

Oh but it will become your normal... she’s not going anywhere, he’s 40, got fuck all, shrinking prospects and a truly shit family.

Get out while you can, as soon as is right, don’t settle for this. He and his family will make your life a misery and probably ruin you too.

category12 · 01/11/2019 08:36

Life is too short for this. Leave them to it, fgs.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/11/2019 08:48

I think you should run for the hills anyway tbh

honeylulu · 01/11/2019 08:50

This is absolutely shocking!

Sadly some parents, particularly mothers seem to be of the view that they are entitled to be "paid back" for the cost and effort of raising their children. But this is another league!

It (the getting locked out of the account) explains why the all expenses paid trip to Rome suddenly became a family trip to Newcastle, with the bright idea that you would pick up the tab.

It's lovely if you to support your BF but I think you're best out of it completely. He's clearly an ineffectual person, even if he has good reason for that. I foresee you having to help him out of other holes. Also, he may end up blaming you somehow for driving a wedge between him and his family every time you argue ... Just run.

CoraPirbright · 01/11/2019 08:50

Do the rest of the family know about this? She’ll be looking for her next mark now that the tap has been turned off from your boyfriend. I would be worried about anyone else in her family vulnerable to her manipulation but......not your circus, I guess.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 01/11/2019 08:57

I remember your Newcastle thread

Is the Newcastle thread the one which started out with DP's mother booking a family holiday abroad for him and OP for DP's birthday, and which gradually dissolved into a weekend in the fleshpots of that popular tourist trap, Newcastle, and it then transpired that he (currently unemployed) was expected to pay for his room, food etc, and as he had no job it was just assumed that OP* would pick up his share of the tab?

If not, can someone post a link, please.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 08:57

I am taking all your points and I will make the necessary move and end it as I don't want to be sucked in.

I actually think his dad is vulnerable too - at one point bfs account shows movement between his to his dad's and back again, fitting the pattern of payments to her account. I would doubt his dad has any idea she was going that so god knows what else she is doing.

I am trying to back away mentally and emotionally I really am - I've got the day off today so I will try to do some nice things to take my mind off it.

The more I puzzle about why, I think it must be a gambling addiction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 08:59

and which gradually dissolved into a weekend in the fleshpots of that popular tourist trap, Newcastle

That made me chuckle and yes the very same

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2019 08:59

Omg far too much drama. You need to be very careful. I said that on your last thread. As for his sister, if she’s that upset about the loan, she can pay for it. Maybe that is what she’s worried about - or she was in collusion.

You were all for splitting from him a couple of weeks ago. I know this shows everything in a different light. But take a step back, look at his belief system and morals and really really consider if this is a relationship you’d invest in long term. I get you feel protective of him and apoplectic with her. But imagine 10 years down the road, you’ve perhaps bought a place, pooled resources, maybe have kids etc.

AskMeHow · 01/11/2019 09:00

I think this whole situation is fucking weird, I thought so on your last thread and this just adds to it.

I don't understand how a grown adult can ignore withdrawals from his account for years. It strikes me that he is very much an ostrich and for some unknown reason you have taken it upon yourself to sort his life out.

God knows why. It should not be this difficult a year in, honestly. I am concerned that all this has set the pattern now for your relationship - your bf is weak, and enmeshed in FOG with his mother and you're the person that sorts it out.

Newcastle only came to its conclusion because enough people here told you what was going on. I hoped that would be enough to end your relationship with him. He's a hopeless loser and you can do better.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 01/11/2019 09:01

she has told me in passing before how easy it is to steal from her place of work in the context of a story that other people have been sacked for theft and how they did it

Can you tip off her employer?

She should not get away unscathed.