Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

226 replies

Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 05:38

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 02/11/2019 07:08

Is he likely to be returning to work or is it long term sick now?

Lhastingsmua · 02/11/2019 08:27

Obviously the bank require this to be reported to the police before they can act - the bank needs to make sure that their customer wasn’t actually complicit at the time but has since changed their mind (eg a fall out) and is not trying to fraudulently reclaim the money from the bank. Especially for an amount as high as £20k.

purplepalace · 02/11/2019 08:29

He said he is not willing to look back further than 2017 because it would hurt too much to know she has been stealing from him for so long.

Denial.

I believe this is the same reason why he didn't investigate in the first place. Some part of him knew.

Snowtimes · 02/11/2019 09:43

I agree that this doesn’t add up.

If he was struggling financially on ssp he would be aware of what what happening to his bank account, particularly if it was very low.

If he didn’t miss money being transferred out then he can’t have been struggling financially. So why did he cry poor at his birthday?

What is he yearly income?

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/11/2019 09:47

I'm now wondering about his mum 'forgetting' the password and locking herself out of his account.

If he'd given her the password freely in the first place, then why didn't she just ask him for it again? Say she 'wanted to check' something or had to transfer some money to pay a bill of his - if, as it seems, she's doing all his finances for him.

Also to add, if I'd illegally obtained someone's password and it was my ticket to stealing money on the regular and quite large sums, and not having it would mean the end of my gravy train, would I heck as like 'forget' it. I'd have it written in multiple places.

Not that I'd ever do such a thing, obvs.

Twogirls19 · 02/11/2019 10:15

I'm sorry but no one in their right mind would not notice £20,000 missing over 3 years. Either he's involved in this charade or OP isn't being entirely honest.

My STBXH is exactly like his. Earning about 25k when I first met him, now earns about 250k. In all that time, he has been utterly utterly disorganised in all aspects of his personal life. Once we starting living together, I managed all his finances as the chaos was impacting on me. He wouldn’t have had a clue if I was draining his accounts. Not one clue (I wasn’t, by the way!) Now we’ve separated but still have joint finances whilst we sort the settlement but he’s removed permission for me to manage things. I am watching it all go to hell in a handcart. It is an absolute disaster and this from a man in a high earning FINANCE job. It sounds too absurd to be true but it is.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 02/11/2019 11:19

Yes @twogirls19 this is exactly the case. Although a lower salary but similar. He could only ever check the balance.

And btw I think she was accessing his account drunk (she drinks about 2 bottles a night most evenings) and just got the password wrong 3 times, thus locking herself out and only he got reset it. I suspect she attempted to re set it by phone which is why he then had to go into branch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 02/11/2019 11:21

She did ask for it again. I think around that time he said he needed to get it re set cause shed asked for it I was like wtf would you give your mum your password?? Aren't you a chuffing adult??

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 02/11/2019 11:25

Just to repeat the facts. She locked herself out in late July. This coincided with around the time he went on ssp. He thought he would have had quite a bit in his account cause of his salary but was careful and reigned things in. Newcastle was Oct, before his first proper pay check, which was why he was deep in his overdraft. It just so happens she hadn't robbed from him in that time, by coincidence. So, when he finally got into his online banking to check transactions it was only cause he downloaded yolt to check his outgoings in previous month's to set a budget that the stealing came to light. Otherwise it's highly likely it wouldn't .

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 02/11/2019 11:27

To clarify, ssp was roughly 10 weeks then back to usual salary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 02/11/2019 11:29

And to repeat. I am being as honest here as I can be with the facts that I have seen on statements and the information I have been told.

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/11/2019 11:32

Sorry but it does not make sense for him to allow you t get so worked up when he really isn't. Unless he takes this passive approach generally, hence why he allowed her access in the first place. What other areas of his life are similar?

AlternativePerspective · 02/11/2019 11:36

Honestly? I have no sympathy for him and would end the relationship.

There is absolutely no way he wouldn’t have noticed that amount of money going out of his account when finances are tough. So either he is lying about what really happened or he is so disorganised that no woman in their right mind should ever get involved with him.

He knowingly gave the password to his bank account to his mother. He turned a blind eye while she drew £20k out of his account over a period, and then, when she got locked out of the account he was going to reset the password and actually give it to her again.

And of course the police or the bank won’t get involved, why the hell should they? He willingly gave money to his mother, because by giving someone your password and allowing them to draw out that kind of money is him willingly giving it to her.

OP, I would run for the hills and never look back. He is a car crash of his own making.

katewhinesalot · 02/11/2019 11:48

And other family members are having a go at him? This is such a huge dysfunctional can of worms.

DishingOutDone · 02/11/2019 11:59

I believe everything the OP is posting, thats precisely why I would say to her you are embroiling yourself in an awful situation and you need to back off.

What did he say when you told him what the NatWest fraud people said? And having told him that, why are you still involved?

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 02/11/2019 12:04

He says it's 'all sorted' now she's given him the loan and hes got yolt and will check daily... He's paid off the loan with the money she paid him back.

When I told him about repeat offending and the police needing to intervene, he said he genuinely can't cope with doing that to his mum.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 02/11/2019 12:20

She repaid the loan....did she also repay all the amounts she took over the past few years?

LIZS · 02/11/2019 12:33

What about interest on loan? Interest he might otherwise have accrued, overdraft charges etc? Tbh it will never be really sorted. Trust has been broken between you if not between them. Leave before you find out more that has been swept under the carpet.

Sarcelle · 02/11/2019 12:47

Can anybody signpost the previous thread about Newcastle . Can't find it via search.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 02/11/2019 12:54

And I guess if there is a moral to this tale is to keep on top of your finances and check and double check again. And YOLT is good. And not having a criminal for a mother. That helps too Sad

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 02/11/2019 13:05

But he is as much to blame.

I know an acquaintance who gave her credit card details to a friend to pay a mobile bill. Said friend then went on and racked up £10k worth of debt. Shock and friend did nothing about it until she realised just how much debt she was in on the friend’s behalf. Honestly she was stupid in the extreme, and anyone who is that blatantly idiotic almost deserves to be ripped off.

I certainly would never combine finances with someone like that. Your BF is no doubt the type who would send money to the prince of Nigeria in order to help him get his millions out of the country....

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/11/2019 13:16

I'm not doubting you, OP, but I am doubting the stories you are being told by your boyfriend.

I have a horrible feeling that this 'loan' that his mother could apparently pay back at the drop of a hat (but not the money she 'borrowed' from his account) is the tip of the iceberg. And your boyfriend is so deep in the FOG that he hasn't even realised.

There is a lot lot more going on underneath this, apart from his apparent learned helplessness and his mother's thieving tendencies. It hasn't all suddenly come on in the last couple of years...

BloggersBlog · 02/11/2019 14:22

I wonder in whose name she took the loan out in, to repay the loan she took out in his name Hmm I'd check my credit score if I was him, to see if he's been credit checked for a loan recently

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/11/2019 15:05

I wonder in whose name she took the loan out in, to repay the loan she took out in his name

Actually that's a very good point. If she took out a loan in his name, presumably that was because she wouldn't have been granted a loan herself ... so how come she has now been granted one in order to "repay" him?

Oh, and the link to the "Newcastle thread" is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3709402-To-be-outraged-about-dp-mum-and-money

I agree with Zaphod; OP's no doubt repeating what she's been told in good faith, but there's very obviously a whole lot she's not being told

GabsAlot · 02/11/2019 23:51

Thats the thing what hes saying makes no sense-he could only access his balance so he would have seen the money go up and done in vast amounts

Swipe left for the next trending thread