To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

[Stfrancesof]

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

I completely agree awdbovril -i don't know what the pc term would be but I would say she is a greedy kleptomaniac. I see no reason why she wouldn't be doing this elsewhere - she has told me in passing before how easy it is to steal from her place of work in the context of a story that other people have been sacked for theft and how they did it.

I'm also a bit wobbly cause I knew she wasnt right from the start - looks like a nice little old lady but something about her eyes is sort of dead and calculating with an animal cunning that wants to get to the food on the table when you've said no, if that makes any sense?!?

Why doesn't your boyfriend want to check back further than 2017 and uncover the full extent of this? Why doesn't he want to sort this mess out and take some responsibility for this?

Does your boyfriend have learning difficulties (not ADHD) and is vulnerable? If not then honestly you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain, you can't 'save' him if he doesn't want to be saved.

So your h hasn't checked his bank accounts since 2012 or noticed the stream of money going out of his account? If not, he's a fool, and heeds to wise up straight away.

And what @suebnm says. Why doesn't he want to get to the bottom of this?

I agree with Sue, above. Your boyfriend doesn't sound all that clued in. This isn't something that started over the last year and went unnoticed. This has been going on for years. YEARS. And he has either ignored it or genuinely didn't notice it. And honestly it is difficult to figure out which is worse.

He has no concept of money, or the value of anything. He went away to Newcastle knowing he hadn't any money, yet somehow expected someone (ie you) to sort it out. As an adult man his mother took out a loan on his account, for his car? Why could he not sort out his own loan for his own car?

I honestly don't believe you are getting the full story from him. And I think you are the one pushing for him to look in to this. He doesn't want to look into it because he knows more about this weird arrangement than he's letting on.

So much of it makes no sense. And if it makes no sense then you're missing a lot of detail. At 40 years of age he shouldn't need his mother, or his gf, looking into and controlling his finances.

I think you are going to stick this out until the bitter end though because you now have a need to figure it out, sort it out, control it, get a resolution. That's not what a relationship of partnership should be about. But you seem determined to continue to view him as some sort of pet project that now needs to be completed.

The whole set up is fucked up and nobody (including your boyfriend) is giving you the full story.

He feels that going back 3 years is enough. Over 3 years she took 20k. She paid the majority back through the loan on Monday.
Going back further will cause him too much he says.

You definitely need to contact the police. Even if nothing else, they will help you & your DH ensure that an absolute stop is put to what's going on now. And they need to be aware of her - the comment about her workplace is a bit worrying, TBH.

So over night she was able to come up with 20K? Has she been taking money to put aside for him because she knows otherwise he'd just squander it and end up in debt? It seems unusual to just have a spare 20K lying around. Especially if she's keen on spending money on extravagant gifts like you said.

The more you post, the less sense it makes. But you're determined to stick it out, so I don't know what more people can offer you, really.

OP isn't married to the man. She's been going out with him over a year. She has no right contacting the police if her boyfriend doesn't want to.

@07:43TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre
She took out a loan!!!

Hi OP, whilst this is all terrible, are you forgetting the way he treated you in Newcastle? The apple doesn't fall from the tree.

Of course I'm not going to contact the police.

And I am way to emotionally invested. It's been a shock I think.

I think knowing the context of how he has been robbed and gaslighted puts Newcastle in a different light, for me. Now we have an agreement to check budget on the phone before any spends, I don't think he would do that again

Have you heard her admit it? Or could this be a handy excuse for him living off you?

Wow, that sort of money over serveral years would point to some sort of additction on her behalf (drugs, gambling, maybe) so if you are still in contact maybe she needs to talk to someone to help her.

Personally I would go back as long as she's admitted it - the bank can always supply statements for your account in the past. Obviously he isn't at fault here but never give your bank details away and always check your statements - otherwise you are leaving yourself open to fraud.

I wouldn't know how to move on from this, but no contact for a while definitely. I can understand why he doesn't want the police involved regarding his own mother though. What a mess she has caused for you. I hope you and him feel better soon and put this behind you.

I don't think he is a thief like his mother though - although naive and disorganized with money.
Who knows.

Thanks @BlueJava

I think your DP needs support, maybe through a psychologist/counsellor specialised in domestic/parental abuse.

I don’t think you can do a lot bar having very clear and strong boundaries. And be there for him when this will go to shit (it will do when she can’t do what she likes).
But he needs to realise the extend of the abuse, which is even harder when iit’s your mum :(

I agree about gambling addiction and probably alcohol too.

Thanks @HeyNotInMyName - I agree. And she's already started saying things to him along the lines 'none of your business and why would you care' when he's asked how she's going to service the loan. Shes already got his sister to have a go at him and this loan thing is just another way to manipulate him and make him feel guilty I think - the only option is low contact I think.

That's a shocking amount of money OP. What a fucked up dynamic. How can he not notice such massive amounts of money?

Taking it out 2-300 amounts should still be noticeable.

She sounds awful and he sounds very financially naive. A lucky combination for her. I don't think this is that uncommon, it crops up on problem pages all the time. Usually when the children are younger but not always and people rarely want to report.

Even if he doesn't want to take any formal action needs to take steps to protect himself. Wander over to the MSE website and post on the credit rating board and you'll get some advice on how he can protect himself from future fraud.

I think the best you can do is be kind and supportive of him while he tries to deal with this horrible revelation.

Thank you for posting OP I did wonder how you we’re getting on since it came to light.

This does put Newcastle into perspective now as I think she probably had every intention of appearing to pay for it but cut off her own access to his funds.

I think he's got so used to it it just became normal. I know it's fucked up. It's fucking awful. But this is how this kind of thing happens isn't it? It just becomes your normal. Not my normal. But it certainly become his.

I did raise my eyebrows a bit at the small £200-300 withdrawals, there would be an Inquisition at my house if someone withdrew that much money!!!