To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

[Stfrancesof]

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

I can't believe you are still with him tbh. Haven't you only been with him for 18 months? Unless he has some sort of learning disability then he should be taking responsibility for this. He's 40 years old ffs.

He didn't check his bank statements for 7 years, knows his mum has taken £20k out of his account over a 3-year period, yet still won't check back further for fear of what he'll discover. What an absolute idiot.

You've got much bigger problems than you think. He is still burying his head in the sand if he doesn't want to discover the extent of the problem. He will bury his head in the sand over other problems too. He is immature, a mummy's boy and is a weak man who is perfectly happy to let other people take on responsibility for his life. He's even letting you guide him on this. You shouldn't need to. Do you still have respect for him?

Letting his mum set up a loan in his name?
Letting his mum know his internet password? (I thought you had to insist on online banking and a budgeting app? Does this mean he already had online banking and, if so, why wouldn't he know what was going through his account?).

This isn't a gf/bf relationship anymore. He's become a pet project for you and you are his saviour. Unless there are drastic changes it will be the pattern of your life if you stay together.

She locked herself out of his account in April. So had no access to his money since then? So rather than stealing 8K this year. She stole 8K in the first 4 months of the year. Stole nothing since then because she didn't have access, yet when you were in Newcastle he was -600 into his overdraft?

None of that makes sense. Where was his money going between April and September? How did he not wonder why he was so short on money when there should have been over 8k in his account?

And you are still taking control of his finances. Holding his hand. Telling him to check his account before buying something. Do you like a project? Do you like having a man totally dependent on you? Because what you are describing would be a huge red flag to any normal functioning adult. Thousands was missing from his account. He was in to his overdraft. He couldn't afford to buy himself a drink in Newcastle, yet his mother locked herself out of his account in April?

None of it adds up. None of it. And you are determined to plough ahead. Where's the fun in your relationship? Where's the romance? Where's the trust? You are obsessive now about checking his account. Checking up on him. Keeping tabs on him. Making sure he's sticking to "the plan". How would you feel in a relationship with an equal? Or have you a tendency to seek out relationships with people who depend heavily on you?

I remember your Newcastle thread.

He's more than naive and disorganised OP. He's in thrall to his family.

I'd get out now. He's forty and these things have been a part of his life much longer than you have, He won't change. Do you want to have to mummy him through life?

I thought that Op had gone home early from that trip with the intention of leaving him?

Or was that someone else?

Sorry, I see it was July she locked herself out of his account. So removed 8K in 7 months. And hasn't taken anything since July and he never questioned why he hadn't enough money to go to Newcastle for a weekend?

What a fucking idiot.

I can't believe you are still with this manchild after the Newcastle debaucle.

What the hell is it that makes you want to stay with him? It's just mind boggling you're still with him. What does he bring to your life except drama?

Pp are right about it all it not adding up. If she stopped taking money in April he should have had funds when you went to Newcastle. He is definitely not telling you the full story.

I think people are being a bit harsh on the bf because he doesn’t want to involve the police. My mother stole inheritance from myself and my sister and I am all for calling the police but she begged me not to. All she’s ever wanted is for our mother to love her (I gave up on that years ago) and I am trying to slowly get her to see sense. But it is a big shock when something like that happens. My sister was already devastated and I couldn’t put her in any more pain. I hope she will see sense in time, but to expect the bf to call the police and cut off his mum within a day or two of finding all this out is a big ask.

*GPatz

'your boyfriend (he's still not your partner!)'

What now?*

OP stated in her first thread that they keep everything separate. They don't not live together. He is not her "partner" in any sense. He is her boyfriend.

There is a difference!

I live in Gateshead, which is next to Newcastle, StFrances - I am well acquainted with the hedonistic lifestyle of the decadent inhabitants.

OP I am sorry that you are even still with him after the Newcastle saga. His behaviour was pathetic then and still is now. Something does not add up here, I don't buy that he did not notice this was going on.

Sorry OP, but your boyfriend is a idiot. You need to detach an leave him and his awful family to it.

If you dont I can only assume that you are addicted to the drama.

"I agree that if I read this scenario I would say exactly what you have. But I think he is naive at worst but he's always kind and supportive towards me and thoughtful towards others. He doesn't strike me as a thief."

There is no point coming on here for advice and then saying "I agree that if I read this scenario I would say exactly what you have. But" blah blah.

I don't think there's any reason to think he's a thief. However, just naive? Really? At 40 years old? If you want to be in such an unbalanced relationship then I would suggest you have counselling to discover why such an odd thing would appeal to you.

Can you give examples of how he is kind and supportive to you and thoughtful of you and others? You might be surprised at what you discover by analysing those examples.

I’m sorry, OP, but he’s an idiot. I can’t even victim blame, because he had to be aware that so much money was going from his account. I don’t believe he didn’t realise. When I chose my password, it was all online, so he has at some point given her that plus the string of numbers/codes needed.

I have just read your other (Newcastle) thread aswell....

It's shocking and very upsetting. I would insist on never seeing her again, and keep a very careful eye on all accounts / passwords (access to his home) etc. She sounds like a bit of a physcopath
Tbh.

OP, do you really want to be linked to a man that at 40 is living in his overdraft, and has never checked his bank statements in all these years? He has no control over his finances and so irresponsible.

I know she's done a terrible thing, but he seems so passive and frankly a bit stupid.

I agree with PP, there is NO WAY he didn't realise that money was going from his account. Just no way. So he chose to ignore what she was doing. He is spinning you a line because he is embarrassed and is trying to react to your outrage in an appropriate way to keep you onside. Run, OP, as fast as you can. He will ever change, his family will never change and they will ruin you financially and make your life a living hell.

Hopefully he realises now that keeping the same password for banking for 8 years is a really bad idea.

My word, I can be a bit scatterbrain with money but there’s no way £200 coming out even once would pass me by, for months or years??? This just doesn’t add up. Was your bf already unemployed in July or earlier? He would be having little or no money coming in and if she was still taking money out when he had so little surely he would notice??? I don’t think this makes sense at all.

My DH is completely naive with money. He always had plenty of money when on his own, and if his DM had done this he probably wouldn't have realised either. Thankfully MIL is great and would never think such a thing.

When we bought out house and after DC2 was due to go to nursery we had a haul through our accounts and his was a mess. He had no idea how much things were costing and we only weren't in massive debt through luck more than judgement. This is why I do the budgeting and have financial oversight.

op unfortunately this is your dps mess to sort out. At this point I'd be making a plan to run to the hills if he doesn't choose to sort it.

I'm confused by all this. Judging by the summary of a previous thread he's not a wealthy man, needing subsidised for a uk city break, however doesn't notice 20k disappearing from his bank account. I'd notice £20. Doesn't add up at all

I remember the post about Newcastle, certainly makes sense now why she changed the plans and insisted you pay. So in reality, she was going to pay for you to go away with his money, but once her stealing was stopped in its tracks she changed the plans to suit and wanted you to fund it, What a absolute bitch.

Do all his family members know the full story of what has happened? Because I think they all need to, and they all need to be checking their own funds incase she's been doing the same to others.

...and you should leave him, like you were going to after Newcastle.

He's a barely functioning adult. And he's not going to get any better, he's just going to transfer letting mummy look after everything, to you.

What forty year old adult man, who is DATING, fgs, lets his mum do all his banking, doesn't know what' s in his account, goes on holiday with his family for his birthday without any money and also lets them change the destination from Rome (iirc) to bloody NEWCASTLE?!?!

(Sorry, I do love Newcastle, but Rome it ain't).

I suspect that this sort of behaviour is so much a part of his life that he doesn't even see it as being wrong.

Please - whatever you decide to do (chuck him, I hope, but that is your decision) don't EVER give him access to your money in any way, shape or form, and don't EVER bail him out financially - not even a loan.

He took it for granted (in the same way his mother did) that you would subsidise the Newcastle trip when it became apparent that it wasn't a real gift. He didn't think twice about borrowing money off you so that he had cash in hand to pay for stuff, and didn't look embarrassed by asking you publicly. He may well pay off all of his debts - but he will borrow more because he has NO IDEA that money needs to be budgeted.

I think both he and his ghastly mother just spend what is there, take what they can, go into debt when there is no cash, borrow, beg or steal whenever they feel the inclination - they just don't see anything wrong or inappropriate in this.

Yes - he's had a shock, but that's because he (and she) feel that spending other people's money is their right, but that their own is sacrosanct - THAT is what has given him a shock. That the lavish abandon he applies to using other people's money has been turned on him.

His mother has taken out a loan. She has no assets (otherwise why would she be stealing from her son?). She'll fall behind with the payments - probably pretty quickly - what then?

She'll come crying to her son, you're DP. He'll be guilted into taking the payments over and he'll end up paying EVEN MORE on her loan than he would have lost had he just written off what she had stolen.

He doesn't dare go back any further in his finances because he fears it will irreparably damage their relationship - it's already irreparably damaged. But actually, I can't see him getting any more money back off her, so I can see why he might want to remain in ignorance.

I wonder what she has used as security for this loan. Will she end up having her home repossessed? Because I can tell you now, that with this attitude to his mother, your DP will definitely end up picking up after her if he is in a position to do so. Perhaps using your money.

I know you say he is kind, generous and supportive - so are many con-men. At best he is naive to the point of infantilism, at worst he is an amiable, charming rogue.

Please think very carefully about your relationship with this financial infant.

krustykittens makes an excellent point. Your boyfriend is obviously a very weak man. He went along with whatever his mother suggested, foolishly. He allowed her organise loans in his behalf. He gave her his banking details and online banking information. He never questioned or checked (or so he tells you). He just went along with it. Allowing someone else to make all the decisions.

And now, with you, he is doing exactly the same. He is going along wuth whatever you want. You are outraged by this. You are horrified. You are digging into it to try figure it out. And he's again just going along with it to keep you happy.

The problem here is when he continues to be a wet rag in the middle of two women pulling him in different directions. He will be telling you what you want to hear and agreeing with you. He will be telling her what she wants to hear and agreeing with her. And she WILL win out. Make no mistake.

*your, not you're

Do YOU understand how he’s managed his money for years, OP? Because it really doesn’t make much sense.

He’s 40, his mum has stolen at least £20K off him in 3 years, he’s been out if work (is that right? I think he was when you went to Newcastle hence poverty) and he hasn’t noticed anything untoward in his banking all that time?

What did he earn? How did he pay his bills?

I do think it’s not the whole truth, sadly.

And it’s completely ridiculous of him to say he won’t look back further in case it’s worse. He needs counselling if that is true, or you need to discover if he won’t look back further because he’s actually complicit in this and doesn’t want to admit it for fear of losing you.

I’m afraid he comes with an absolute HEAP of baggage... do you want to unpack it all?