Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

226 replies

Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 05:38

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

OP posts:
HeyNotInMyName · 01/11/2019 09:52

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre, so the DP is just a weak man and a wet rag?
When he is clearly being abused by his own mother. Would you say that if it was a woman treated like this by her partner?
He is the victim here. Let’s stop victim blaming

Ponoka7 · 01/11/2019 10:01

HeyNotInMyName, being in a partnership is completely different.

Any 40 year old Adult, who isn't a vulnerable adult, should be managing their own finances.

He went on a trip, organised by his Mother, expecting the OP to pay for everything.

He will be a nightmare to be in a full relationship with. To be happy to be so reliant on the people (Women) around you, means that you're happy with the situation and take no personal responsibility for anything.

What you find is that they don't fully attach to their partners in a healthy way. They don't see them as a unit. They are there for everyone in the same way.

The OP should have gone long ago.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/11/2019 10:03

Where does he live then OP if you don't live together, is he self sufficient or does he live with his parents? I'm a bit gobsmacked that he hadn't checked his bank account for 7 years before this came to light. Do you really want to be micro managing him financially because if you stay with him that is exactly what you will be doing, and if you marry him and have kids with him he will drag you down with him.

I get you love him but the situation sounds so fucked up, I don't know how you can stay with him and still respect him. Yes what his mother did was fucking awful, and she has played on the fact he is financially irresponsible. Who doesnt notice withdrawals of £200, £300 being made. Madness. I really wouldnt be with someone who at 40 was so financially incompetent.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/11/2019 10:04

HeyNotInMyName - go and read the Newcastle thread and see if you still feel the same way.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 01/11/2019 10:08

Is he the victim though? We only have the OP's biased third hand version. A lot of what she's saying he says doesn't make sense. It IS possible he's a victim. It is also possible he's a wet rag. A woman treated like this by her partner (or even a man tested like this by his) would be very different situation.

This man has admitted to not checking his bank details in 7 years. Why would no adult man check his own account in 7 years? Whatever about his mother taking money from his account, what is his reasoning for not even looking at his transactions for 7 years. If I thought I should have a healthy bank balance and discovered I couldn't afford to buy myself a drink I'd investigate it a little.

He had no interest in checking. It was OP who insisted, and he seems to be going along with it for a quiet life.

None of it adds up. Maybe he's a victim, but he's also an idiot. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

BloggersBlog · 01/11/2019 10:11

In small amounts - £200/£300 SMALL AMOUNTS???? I must live in a different world if they are small!

On a side note what the heck does he do for work that he has so much going in that he hasnt noticed? I thought he was unemployed? If so surely it would be more than him going into his overdraft - surely he would just no money at all?

TowelNumber42 · 01/11/2019 10:11

This isn't a gf/bf relationship anymore. He's become a pet project for you and you are his saviour. Unless there are drastic changes it will be the pattern of your life if you stay together.
This with bells on. Get a kitten to look after instead. He is not a kind man. He's the type who agrees with whoever is in front of him and buries his head in the sand. Nightmare. Run.

Whitleyboy · 01/11/2019 10:15

I don't believe a bank would view his mum as having stolen from him as he gave out the information she needed to access his account.

I would be interested to know whether his mum completed the loan application and forged his signature or whether she filled it in and he signed it. 2 totally different scenarios - 1 where she has committed fraud and the other where he has actually applied for the car loan and she just filled the form in for him.

Who would be stupid enough not to have a copy of the application and contract from the bank/finance company?

ptumbi · 01/11/2019 10:15

But OP - In Newcastle you were expected to pay for your (joint) meals, hotel, trips as he was unemployed? When all this came out you had a big argument (IIRC) and you were getting a train home and breaking up? That whole thread was Shock and you were doing the right thing my leaving.
This thing with his mother - is actually nothing to do with you. Walk away - it's not your problem to fix. It's his - and he seems such a wet rag that he will just 'go along' with his (stronger) mother for a quiet life. Even to the extent of paying her thousands a year...

The PP who said that some parents feel that the kids 'owe' them for existing - I knew a 'mother' like this. 4 grown-up children, each paying her hundreds per month, buying her cars, taking her on holiday, - because they 'owed' her. Vile vile woman.

Chunkers · 01/11/2019 10:15

The fact that he is not willing to investigate the full extent of the theft shows that he is still living with his head in the sand. The bank can easily provide statements going back as far as required. He is not facing up to this and as such leaves him open to further abuse.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/11/2019 10:19

And if he'd been out of work/ill for so long - why did he not notice THEN that money was going missing? He must have thought 'oh, I'll need to tighen my belt a bit now I've only got sick pay' and he STILL never checked his bank?

I don't know whether to cry or laugh. He's a five year old in a man's body.

ptumbi · 01/11/2019 10:21

It does seem that he wants to swan through life getting 'someone else' to pay for it - whether that's his mother, or you, or someone else - someone else can sort his own finances and do all the bill paying, so he doesn't need to think about boring, tedious stuff like that.

He's a tool. How can you have any respect for someone like that?

Walk away now. There are people out there who can 'adult' quite well and don't need mummy/women to do it for them.

TheABC · 01/11/2019 10:24

Ok, let's say you stay together.

  • Is he likely to work again?
Because you will end up subsidising him, if not.
  • Can he actually budget?
Because you will end up making the shortfall
  • Are you planning to move in together, in the future? How will you ensure the mortgage or rent is paid?
  • Do you want a family? What happens if you go on maternity leave?

Finances, religion and domestic chores are the biggest flashpoints in a relationship. If you can't happily answer the above with this man, move on.

TowelNumber42 · 01/11/2019 10:28

Is he all helpless little puppy with sad eyes? Do you feel like you'd be the meanest hardest most heartless cold eyed woman in the universe if you dumped him now?

notapizzaeater · 01/11/2019 10:32

Is he having counselling - he really needs to speak to someone impartial about his family dynamics

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 10:33

Thanks all for good advice and viewpoints. I'm processing all of it I promise and it's all really helpful.

I wouldn't dump him right now no as that seems a bit harsh but I will watch carefully how he behaves over the next few months and make a decision then. Also trying to take a massive massive step back Flowers

OP posts:
Encyclo · 01/11/2019 10:37

So he had no income and she was STILL taking his money? How did he not notice? I presumed he had a seriously income.

That makes her even worse IMO

TatianaLarina · 01/11/2019 10:39

He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him

You cannot organise a loan for someone else’s account. A loan of that size is not something that can be done online. There’s no way she could have told the bank to increase the size of the loan - they wouldn’t speak to her if she was not the account holder.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 01/11/2019 10:42

Disgraceful behaviour from his mum, Jesus Christ.

As PP have said this sounds like an addiction of some sort (gambling / drinking / shopping) to the extreme.

I understand it's incredibly unlikely he'll go to the police. Unfortunately that means she had learned she can get away with it without huge consequences.

I think you're being sensible taking a step back and trying not to engage with it. No matter how angry this makes you, you can't take control of the situation so the anger will be futile.

I would feel the same as you do but would try really hard to take a step back and not take it on as your burden.

MzHz · 01/11/2019 10:43

If you babysit this man/relationship then you’ll end up with the sunk cost fallacy and then feel you can’t get out

You need to give him the space to get himself straight, to work out his priorities and goals and put effort and plans into achieving them. You can’t be part of the solution, he needs to be 100% focused on regaining control over his life and a relationship now will just distract him.

So be less available at weekends etc, take longer to reply etc and phase him into the periphery

This relationship will never be what YOU need it to be. Let him sort himself out - or not - and let him find someone prepared to have their life blighted by his parents.

You’re worth more.

What are your relationship ambitions? Kids? Marriage?

With his lot as in-laws? With zero money/prospects? Ffs woman! That’s a hell no!

TatianaLarina · 01/11/2019 10:43

So he had no income and she was STILL taking his money? How did he not notice? I presumed he had a seriously income.

The whole thing is nonsense. If he had no income and she kept taking out 200/300 he would go further into overdraft. He would have to agree the overdraft with the bank. If he went into a non-agreed overdraft he would be paying massive bank charges and the bank would have contacted him.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 01/11/2019 10:43

There was a 2nd thread in between this and the Newcastle thread where the mother stealing had just been discovered but I missed most of it as I lost it as I hadn't watched it.

Really it would be helpful op if you could add the links to previous threads when starting continuing threads because there seems to always be a lot of fill up asking about or discussing the before threads and confusion from those on the newest ones who missed the ones before.

Whatever happens you need to try to get him to sort this with help obviously but you shouldn't do it for him because if he doesn't learn now he never will and will always someone else to his mother, you, a friend, a new girlfriend the worst thing for him to learn now is that someone else is always going to step in.

MzHz · 01/11/2019 10:43

You’ve been with this guy a few months, it’s absolutely not worth it.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 01/11/2019 10:44

Expect/rely on someone else to.

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 01/11/2019 10:47

He’s 40, his mum has stolen at least £20K off him in 3 years, he’s been out if work (is that right? I think he was when you went to Newcastle hence poverty) and he hasn’t noticed anything untoward in his banking all that time?
This.

I'm sorry but no one in their right mind would not notice £20,000 missing over 3 years. Either he's involved in this charade or OP isn't being entirely honest.