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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
VaggieMight · 31/10/2019 10:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 31/10/2019 10:43

She is married to the OP's ex-H, the OP said she was his new wife in her first post.

She's married to him now, presumably she wasn't when she was the other woman and happy to ruin these kids Christmas, birthday, family then. Just because they have continued the relationship doesn't mean she is "washed clean" of any initial wrong doing or wherever.

Ninkaninus · 31/10/2019 10:46

Fgs it’s ridiculous that he expects this of his children. What an entitled and selfish ass.

He can see them after Christmas.

NoCauseRebel · 31/10/2019 10:48

The MILs illness is a bit of a red herring here. The current arrangement is that Christmas is split between the two households, and now the ex wants to change that arrangement. He does have reasons but those are irrelevant - all that matters here is that he wants to change the Christmas arrangements.

If you always had this arrangement where one parent had Christmas and they went to the other next year where they were going wouldn’t be any of your concern iyswim. So I would take that off of the table and instead bring it back to whether the splitting Christmas arrangement should therefore be changed from now on, and if so, how do the kids feel about doing so. if not, then I would state that as the children have previously split Christmas and wish to continue to split Christmas, the fact that he will be away means that it won’t be possible for him this year and as such the kids will be staying with you.

joyfullittlehippo · 31/10/2019 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Drabarni · 31/10/2019 10:50

YANBU, they aren't OW kids, your ex just doesn't want to miss seeing the kids, but wants to be with ow.
I'd just say no, they aren't her kids.

Drabarni · 31/10/2019 10:52

if the kids don't want to go, they should tell him and also tell him their actual grandparent is ill and would like to see them.
I can't believe anyone would give this CF the time of day tbh.

fruitbrewhaha · 31/10/2019 10:53

Oh god no.

Jut keep telling him, it's up to the kids and they don't want to go. Show them you have their back when their father is bossy them around.

Presumably they have until 3 Jan off school, so he has plenty of time to see them when he returns. He could have them for New Year. Then you could go out!

Cloverbeauty · 31/10/2019 10:53

As you've said, he could be lying. Let's face it, he's not trustworthy is he? Makes him very sick if he's lying, but would any of us be surprised?

Just say no, the kids don't want to go, so they aren't. He can see them over new year.

joyfullittlehippo · 31/10/2019 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chloemol · 31/10/2019 10:54

Don’t agree to this. Your kids don’t want to go, and you don’t want them to go. He has to go with his wife and their kids, his choice though as the agreement has always been to split Christmas Day. He is changing the agreement to suit him, although one could understand why

I think it’s a case of bitting the bullet and just tell him no, the kids don’t want to go as they are not made to feel welcome and will miss seeing you, you don’t want them to go and you don’t believe it would be fair on his mil who is ill yo have two teenagers in the house who are not blood family

He can have then New Year. Stuck to your guns on this one

Ninkaninus · 31/10/2019 10:55

People...the MIL doesn’t want them there. The ex likely doesn’t want them there. It’s the husband (who cheated on his wife and ultimately left his children for another woman, let’s not forget!) who wants his children to be with him for the whole of Christmas. Against their wishes, and with a ‘second family’ that they don’t really feel welcome in. He’s only thinking about himself.

MaryShelley1818 · 31/10/2019 10:56

To me it’s irrelevant that she was once the OW. She is their father’s wife, mother of their siblings and therefore part of their family.

The important thing is that they’re teenagers, they don’t feel comfortable there and don’t want to go. I wouldn’t make my children do something that would make them unhappy over Christmas.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/10/2019 10:58

Having read through the entire thread

YANBU to say no

Y Wouldn't BU to tell him to fuck off.

Deelish75 · 31/10/2019 10:58

How hands on is your ex with his very young children? I expect his wife may be busy with her ill mother and he knows he's going to be left looking after his very young children. Do you think he is hoping to palm off his younger children onto his older children?

stuffedpeppers · 31/10/2019 10:58

Step mum's always have to bend over backwards to accommodate mum's, often giving up huge chunks of time with our own families.

OMG what a self absorbed statement - I have had to practice my Kegels to stop my self from pissing my pants due to laughing so much!

I will tell my DCS that - they recall being made to sit in the laundry room - sorry their bedroom - whilst her DCS were at their fathers, because she would get upset seeing them open presents and when they arrived in the afternoon - they had to sit and watch her DCS open loads of presents - whilst they each got one!!!!!!!!
Oh yes so much is given up by step mums - some yes but the vast majority - not a bloody inch.

Tistheseason17 · 31/10/2019 11:03

Just message him the following:

"Really sorry to hear about your wife' mother. Hope she is getting the care she needs. I have spoken to the kids and they have advised they do not want to spend their Xmas in this way. So we need to do the same as we usually do. Sorry this does not meet your request but I need to put our children's wishes above those of your wife's mum."

Ninkaninus · 31/10/2019 11:09

Yes, I agree, it’s really almost entirely irrelevant that new wife was the OW. What’s very relevant is that they’re only marginally treated as part of the new family unit. They’re nowhere near the ages of their step-siblings, and they’ve not grown up with them and forged strong bonds. They don’t feel comfortable spending time with them as it is, likely hardly know their step-grandparent(s), and they don’t want to go. He’s a selfish, entitled ass and doesn’t care that they will have a rubbish Christmas.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 31/10/2019 11:19

It could also be very difficult for OP's children if the are not comfortable with their other family, to be in an atmosphere of illness and impending bereavement.

It's hard enough for anyone.

rainbowstardrops · 31/10/2019 11:23

No way on this earth!!!! Your DC have already said they don't like going there and it'll be bloody miserable for them with everyone fussing over the little ones that are the actual grandchildren!

You don't even know if the step-grandparent wants them there!

No, it's your ex that's pissed off that he'll be missing out on seeing his children over Christmas - well tough shit buttercup!!!!

If he's that distraught to not see them then he'll have to stay home so that he can see them or come back earlier 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why on earth should your DC be miserable in someone else's home and you have to miss out on seeing them???!!!!

Tell him to jog on

hardyloveit · 31/10/2019 11:28

It's not even their family? I would say no and if he wants to see his kids he can but he won't be taking them to a step family that makes them feel unwelcome.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 31/10/2019 11:28

Kids don’t want to go

Above everything else there is your answer. This is all that matters!

itsgettingweird · 31/10/2019 11:29

If your kids all really wanted to go and wanted to spend 4 days with theirs fathers family (his wife's anyway) then I'd say he has every right and you can have 4 days next year.

But the fundamental issue here is that you have 3 children who are old enough to express an opinion and have their own say. They do not want to go 400 miles to their siblings grandmothers house where they don't feel equal for Christmas just so they see their dad.

It's seeing their own father over Christmas which is the actual decision - and they'd rather spend it with you.

So yanbu - because it's what your children want.

QuarterMileAtATime · 31/10/2019 11:30

No way. If the DC wanted to, or if it was their grandparent, then I’d consider it. But this is all about making it easy for your ex at the expense of the DC’s Christmas and your Christmas.

itsgettingweird · 31/10/2019 11:30

X posts Harry

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