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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDeadleg · 31/10/2019 09:04

Yes, it's a very realistic possibility that a couple of adolescents would rather have Christmas away from all their friends and home so they can do a 400 mile drive to be with someone who doesn't appear to have even invited them, and are only being prevented from voicing this preference by reticence.

Pheasantplucker2 · 31/10/2019 09:07

Have you asked what the sleeping arrangements would be? Fine to bunk up for a night or two, but unless the ow'd parents live in a massive house with 3 extra bedrooms, then it's going to be a compromise -either all squashed in one bedroom together or on the living room floor. None of which is great for teens feeling uncomfortable already in a house where they're not particularly wanted and there's a lot of emotion flying around. I wouldn't make them go if they didn't want to, I would facilitate time with their dad over ny.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 31/10/2019 09:11

Kids don’t really want to go, therefore the decision is clear. YANBU.

TheCraicDealer · 31/10/2019 09:12

Fact is, literally the only person who gets any benefit out of them going is the exH. New-MIL understandably wants her family around her but she's made it clear that she doesn't see OP's children as part of that family. New Wife is focused on her DM and two young kids and in actual fact could probably really do without having to worry about her two stepchildren as well on this trip. OP's DC certainly do not want to go and I can't say I blame them- the way they've been treated in the past and the present circumstances just seem like a pressure cooker scenario waiting to happen. So why is everyone pandering to the exH?

You need to have the kids' backs here and tell him that it's one thing splitting Xmas day with them going to his house, another thing entirely going away to his in-laws' for the entire Christmas period- it's their Christmas too. Give a firm "no" and suggest the kids go to him for New Year when they return.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/10/2019 09:15

The last time my children went to visit they same back saying they didn’t want to go again.

This is what decides it, rather than your wishes or your ex's wishes.

If they don't want to go, then they shouldn't have to.

TenThousandSpoons · 31/10/2019 09:17

I think the same as Growingexponentially said a couple of pages back - he knows you’ll say no and this way it makes it seem like he wanted to spend Xmas with all the DC but you prevented it, rather than just saying he wants to spend it only with his “new” family. This way he gets to go, guilt-free and his reason for not seeing the teen DC at Xmas is because you wouldn’t allow it.

CJsGoldfish · 31/10/2019 09:19

I'm quite sure the OPs children will be well aware of how she feels so aren't ever going to be able to say they WANT to go whether they do or not. No way.
I don't think it's unreasonable for them to spend extended time with their father and younger siblings over Christmas. You just swap next year.
I tend to think it is never ever going to be an option for reasons that have nothing to do with the children.

Wallywobbles · 31/10/2019 09:22

I've been here and done the following for various issues.

I'd say no and lay it out to him about how the kids are feeling in particular and about the step siblings in general.

But before doing so I'd discuss with the kids and check this is what they want. Then I'd say I'm happy to do this but only if you don't go back on this if Dad asks you to change your mind.

I was very clear that I had to put on my big girl pants when dealing with their father, but they also have to do their part.

I'd let them read what I'd written so that everyone is clear.

There was always quite a lot of steam and shit from their Dad, but it was the only way we ever achieved any actual change.

Good luck.

VerbenaGirl · 31/10/2019 09:22

My initial reaction was no - not for a step-GP, then I wondered about the relationship your children have with them... But your second post confirms that. So still no - your ex is being unreasonable here and trying to avoid making the decision to spend Christmas with his new family, albeit the reason for spending it with them is very sound. Plus, you have to consider the effect being exposed to a terminal illness at close hand might have on your children - as that's not always easy. Stand firm!

EugenesAxe · 31/10/2019 09:25

FWIW I read all along that it was basically your ex wanting to be with them that was the crux of the matter, so YANBU, especially considering the proof from prior years about how they are treated. Although Zampa you are right that blood should make no difference to a person’s humanitarianism, sadly it seems the ex’s family have made that call already.

Personally I wouldn’t want my children there for that long even if they WERE related. Why should children have to suffer the trauma of watching their stepmothers mother slowly die over Christmas? I can’t imagine anything more miserable or depressing.

My children had to do this last year; their GM died in Jan. We still had laughs and there wasn’t a perpetual atmosphere of gloom - obviously there were some moments of crying when we had to let our sadness out, but it was more from the adults as the children hadn’t been told she was definitely about to die. It’s a precious time now for our children - anyway, if the diagnosis is new, then unless it’s one of those incredibly aggressive cancers that kills within weeks or months of discovery, there’s every chance this won’t be ex’s MIL’s last.

I’d tell him round the table together so if he kicks up or is ‘aggressive’ you can help parry. He can have them when they’re back.

VenusTiger · 31/10/2019 09:25

How old are your DC OP, can’t they just tell their dad that they don’t want to go, he can’t force them can he?

Saxineno · 31/10/2019 09:25

YANBU!

EugenesAxe · 31/10/2019 09:26

Kicks off

cakeandchampagne · 31/10/2019 09:30

YANBU.
Your kids need & want Christmas with you.

(And if the mil survives another year, then next year might be her last and it would all have to happen again?)

GorkyMcPorky · 31/10/2019 09:31

YANBU at all. Stick to your usual arrangement and if that inconveniences them perhaps your DCs shouldn't be expected to go at all. It strikes me that thisnrequest is simply to make sure there is no awkwardness to their travel plans.

Serin · 31/10/2019 09:33

OP in the nicest possible way you need to grow a pair and tell this manipulating bastard to sod off.
I totally agree with growingexponentially he has made a completely ludicrous demand knowing full well that you wont agree to it.
StepMILs family haven't made your DC welcome previously so the are hardly going to now with the added emotion of cancer in the mix.
You might not be able to stand up for yourself but come on girl, stand up for your DC. They dont want to go.

2girlsandagap · 31/10/2019 09:33

No, just that. It’s a complete sentence and you don’t need to justify yourself and explain why. Ex and ows situation is hard but it’s their issue not yours or your kids and to be frank why on earth would you force your children to watch someone barely related to them dying? Ex is being incredibly selfish, both towards your children and the ill mil who probably doesn’t want your children there anyway.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 31/10/2019 09:33

They'll also be aware of how their father feels cjgoldfish, by that token. And really, they're not a possession to be swapped around. It's worrying that some posters are so dismissive of the idea that the DC might have or benefit from any agency here. You're suspicious of OP, so there's no way the children might have or be entitled to a preference.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 31/10/2019 09:34

I’d say no. To be honest I doubt it’s even his new MIL who wants them there - he’s probably just using this as an excuse.

WooMaWang · 31/10/2019 09:34

Even if the kids know their mother's feelings about the OW, it is likely that they don't want a different Christmas to usual.

The OP starts by saying that her and her ex usually split Christmas Day and it's worked well. That's what the teenage kids will think of as Christmas and see as the right way to do it.

They probably really don't fancy a different type of Christmas, 400 miles away from home where they don't feel hugely welcome. Why would they?

PlasticPatty · 31/10/2019 09:34

@AJPTaylor - I'm so excited to see you posting! It's nearly 30 years since you died. Oh, you were the stalwart of my teenage years...

TheCraicDealer · 31/10/2019 09:34

OP doesn't say it's terminal anywhere- "cancer" doesn't automatically mean terminal and it's sad that so many posters have jumped to that assumption. New-MIL has had a diagnosis but OP has no idea what the prognosis is. She admits her ex is known to gild the lily when it suits his purposes and he's just said "it's serious". Regardless it's natural to want to have your family around you after news like that, when you realise just how fragile life is.

Fookadook · 31/10/2019 09:39

@IdiotInDisguise did you read the thread? It’s not their Granny, she’s step Granny and they’ve made it clear the DC are purely step children. The DC don’t want to go and the ex is doing it purely because it conveniences him without any thought to what the DC want.

No where has the OP said the MIL is terminal, just because she has cancer doesn’t mean she’s dying. My DH had cancer recently is very much alive, thanks.

bookwormsforever · 31/10/2019 09:44

So the MIL is his new wife's mum?

YANBU. Not your dc's family.

ASundayWellSpent · 31/10/2019 09:44

Would be a big hell no from me