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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 31/10/2019 09:50

Clearly, your children don't want to go, and that has to be the be all and end all here. And I think you're perfectly reasonable in not wanting them to go at all, however I don't think he should be told to 'do one' or 'fuck off' as that will just cause more arguements. My messay to him would go something like this,

I've spoken to the kids, and they don't want to travel to your in laws for Christmas this year, however I fully appreciate that your focus needs to be on your wife and mother in law this year. I am happy for you to have some extended time with them either in the run up to Christmas or over the new year, whichever suits you better. But the kids will be staying here for Christmas day. They deserve to enjoy themselves and your wife and mother in law deserve to have some quality family time, so I feel this is the best for everyone. Let me know which dates work best for you and I'll work around it

woodchuck99 · 31/10/2019 09:55

Your children don't won't to go and considering that your exes MIL isn't their grandparent and doesn't normally make them feel welcome she probably doesn't want them there anyway. It would be incredibly unfair on everyone apart from your ex to make them go so your ex needs to stop being so selfish.

Heatherjayne1972 · 31/10/2019 09:55

Ah. But you see his plan makes HIS life easier
He’s not bothered about anything but keeping his wife happy - your kids are secondary to his needs and wants

I’d say no.

Whoops75 · 31/10/2019 09:56

Absolutely not
Tell him you don’t want the children to have an upsetting Christmas.
I wouldn’t send them for a funeral either,

He’s doing it to please others without a thought for the children.
I’m so cross in your behalf.

CharityDingle · 31/10/2019 09:59

No, absolutely not. His MIL, so no relation whatsoever to your children. I'd be polite but a big fat NO would be my answer.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 31/10/2019 10:00

No way would I let them go. I doubt his wife or MIL actually want them there - if it really is her last Christmas and they're generally treated as 2nd class citizens when they're with their step mums family, then they won't miss them at all. Your DH is selfish.

Just say no!

Witchinaditch · 31/10/2019 10:00

Also don’t feel petty for mentioning she’s the OW they didn’t care about you when they were going on behind your back so why can’t you make a dig? Sorry if that’s not helpful but they are taking the mick out of you OP. Stick to your gun and say the teenagers don’t want to go and that’s that.

Honeyroar · 31/10/2019 10:04

I think Mullholl's reply is good. There are a lot of bitter ex's on this thread who would seemingly be as rude as they could and create a very awkward and upsetting run up to Xmas. Their advice wouldn't really be the best to take.

I can understand him wanting to be there to support his wife while her mother is so ill (I know a lot of people on here seem to have decided it's not serious, but she's said they want a last family Xmas and he's said it's pretty serious, so it might well be latter stages) and I can understand that he doesn't want to miss seeing his children at Xmas. However it's too far and the children clearly don't want to go, so it has to be a no. The children don't sound confident enough to actually tell him on their own (my stepson was always too scared to stand up to his mum, he'd just say she'll just go mad) so you'll have to help them.

Majorcollywobble · 31/10/2019 10:06

YANBU
You so f say how old your children are - but if they are able to articulate that they do not want to go there - and for such a lengthy period of time too - then their wishes have to be paramount .
It’s unfair to wheel them out as some sort of window dressing - sadly it won’t make the ill relative any better will it? Sounds like misplaced sentiment at your and the children’s expense .

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 31/10/2019 10:08

I think this is now the time to support your children in saying No to their dad. Call him over to discuss it. Tell the kids it’s ok to tell their dad the truth. That he might get annoyed or upset but sometimes people can’t always get what they want. And sometimes we have to stand up and do what’s right for ourselves even if means someone else will be annoyed.

Your ex and his wife can make other arrangements over Christmas. She can go on ahead to visit her mother and he can follow on a day or two later. He can come back earlier etc. If Christmas Day has always been shared then that shouldn’t change because he wants to be 400 miles away on Christmas Day. He makes his decision based on what he feels is best for him and his family. And your children are entitled to make their decision. If he’s choosing to be 400 miles away, he doesn’t get to decide his children are also 400 miles away from their home.

Mil wants HER family around.
Ex’s wife wants her husband there.
He wants to see his kids.

They are pretty far down the list of priorities.

Give them the tools and support to say no. Don’t let it get personal (even though he will probably turn it personal). Stick to the children’s wants. He will sulk. He will probably get childish about it, but if you prepare the kids for that then they’ll be better able to handle it.

And who knows he might be completely reasonable about it!

SirVixofVixHall · 31/10/2019 10:12

I agree that this is not reasonable, and seems designed to make things easier for your ex, rather than nice for your children.
Say no. This is not their Grandmother, and it will be dismal if they are there feeling a bit left out while the focus is on their Dad’s other little children. Early teens can be tricky at Christmas anyway, they just want to lol around on the sofa at home and text their friends.
It doesn’t sound as though this is for the benefit of the sick woman either, so it is all to make things easier for the ex.
Keep them at home OP.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 31/10/2019 10:14

No. Your children don't want that, they're old enough to have a say in how their holidays are spent and your Ex doesn't need them to be there.

PinkPonyPalace · 31/10/2019 10:16

I would say it comes down to whether your children want to go or not. If they don’t, then that’s a big fat ‘no’. Does your ex really want to risk the backlash from them if they’re forced to go against their will. It will be horrible for everyone, not least his wife’s ill mother. I doubt she’ll want the added burden of your two children at what might be her last Christmas.

Redred2429 · 31/10/2019 10:20

Your not being unreasonable I would be saying no to that if he wants to go with his wife that is understandable but no need for your kids to go unless they want to

blubelle7 · 31/10/2019 10:24

Not a fucking chance in hell. Not their family

Please don't force your teenage DCs to go.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 31/10/2019 10:25

At first glance I thought you meant his mother and was going to say YABU. But after reading it again you are categorically NBU!!!

They aren't family. Tell him you aren't missing out on Christmas with your kids for that woman.

mankyfourthtoe · 31/10/2019 10:26

Exh I understand why you and your wife would want to spend as much time as possible with your mil. However our children want to continue with our usual arrangement or stay here. Would you prefer to have them before you go or after you come back to have an extra Christmas Day?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2019 10:26

I get that his wife wants him around to support her. But that’s his job: Supporting his wife, not forcing two young teens to tag along and be ignored. He’s prepared to seriously piss off his kids and a very poorly old lady. What a charmer. I think the ow did you a favour taking this man child off your hands.

Jellybeansincognito · 31/10/2019 10:27

You have early teens and they’ve said they don’t want to go.

You’d be unreasonable to force them. His request is rather odd tbh.

Jellybeansincognito · 31/10/2019 10:27

Also I agree with @Mummyoflittledragon

isitxmasyet · 31/10/2019 10:31

Absolutely not at all

And your kids sound like they will be miserable if they go

It’s not their granny, he is prioritising his new family if he hauls your kids there for so long

He can go there and had back Boxing Day to see his kids by you- he’s a father to all the kids and he can’t expect them to sacrifice Xmas for this situation- he should

He sounds a dick to even ask

Say no. No negotiation. They stay with you

Then plan a fabulous Xmas!

GrumpyHoonMain · 31/10/2019 10:32

Sounds like your ex’s wife and mil don’t really care if they see your DC or not. In that situation I personally wouldn’t send them especially if the mil will be dying as her entire focus will be on her gc - they’ll be the ones getting big presents etc and if they have form for leaving your kids out it will just he miserable all around.

Just let your ex know that christmas is about family and you will ensure your kids spend time with their family (and their grandparents) who love them. Not some randoms who don’t give a shit either way. Be firm.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2019 10:33

So the I'll MIL hasn't asked them to be there.
The SM hasn't asked them to be there.
The kids don't want to be there.

So that's 4 NO's to Dad's yes
5 including yours.

So that's the answer.

Sounds like the kids will def be in the way

icannotremember · 31/10/2019 10:33

Your dc are well old enough to have their own wishes taken into account: they don't want to go, so they shouldn't. There's no need to make this a big drama or to tell him to eff off or whatever- but calm explanation as to why his proposal isn't going to work is fine.

Reading some of the replies insinuating that of course the dc would prefer to go and the only reason they're saying otherwise is that nasty mummy is making them feel they can't say they want has made my eyes roll though.

Smelborp · 31/10/2019 10:34

Ex’s mil wants ex’s wife (her daughter) there and kids, ex’s wife wants my ex, her husband there, ex wants to see kids over Xmas so wants kids with him all Xmas.

So it’s all about him? No then.

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