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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants kids all Xmas

284 replies

VivienScott · 31/10/2019 06:45

Traditionally we have split xmas day, it’s always worked well. This year Ex’s MIL has found out she has cancer and wants a family Xmas. My ex wants to spend Xmas there with his new wife their kids together (the other woman in our relationship) and take our children from 23 dec to 27th, so all of Xmas. It’s over 400 miles away so no chance of splitting it.
I don’t want to not see my kids over Xmas and be without them. I know his mil is very ill, and his wife is upset, but it’s not my children’s family, kids don’t really want to go as they are made to feel very much like the step children compared to new wife’s kids within her family and my dad is also unwell.
I also don’t think he’d do the same for me if I’m being honest. AIBU to say, it’s not our children’s family, it’s yours, so no?

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 31/10/2019 11:31

Your ex probably just wants them as childcare for their new siblings,
since his new wife will probably be with her mum most of the time and he cba to parent

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/10/2019 11:33

Your ex is being a selfish bastard about it.
His wife is understandably wanting to spend time with her mother, could be last Christmas, who knows - her mother is understandably wanting her DD and her DGC with her, same reason.

But there's no obvious reason why YOUR kids should be made to sit through 4 days with people they're not related to, just because their father can't be arsed to make decent arrangements for them so that they can have a nice Christmas themselves - that's just unreasonable.

Say he can have them for a couple of days BEFORE that, do a fake Christmas early, then he can go off to his MIL's with the new fam, and your kids can come back to you so you can all have a nice Christmas together.

A couple of years ago, I went back to the UK for Christmas with my family. Took our DSs, but DH didn't want to come - so we did Christmas here a week early, with all presents and dinner and everything, then we went to the UK and did it all again at my dad's. Made not a sod of difference to the kids - they knew why we were doing it, they didn't care about the exact date, just that they had a nice time with relevant members of family and no one missed out.

Your ex is being an arse to expect them to do this.

Heldupwithscaffolding · 31/10/2019 11:34

It's a no from me too but needs a well worded reply to ExH that shields DC from the decision as they don’t like disagreeing with him.

Ninkaninus · 31/10/2019 11:39

I was a divorced mother of young-ish children and me and my ex took turns having them on Christmas Day. When it was his year I’d do an early Christmas with them, or a later one. They never minded one bit.

He can have them earlier in Dec or afterwards.

Popetthetreehugger · 31/10/2019 11:42

Sorry if Iv missed something as am reading on phone and may have missed bits ... but my thoughts ... if x can be an arse and DC are uncomfortable going against wishes then ask head of year at school if they have someone who can be an advocate for them . Let them write letter outlining there thoughts to dad , this can't then be seen as you being Awkward . School will make sure this is worded kindly with alternative dates and plans that would make DC happy . Good luck and for record YANBU

Drabarni · 31/10/2019 11:42

Yours are teens and their kids are little.
Sounds like they want baby sitters whilst new wife and ex look after mil.
he isn't thinking of his kids.

Deemail · 31/10/2019 11:44

It's not about what your ex or his wife wants or even what you want it's about how the kids want to spend their Christmas.
They're early teens and need to start learning its ok to say no to someone even if that person will kick off, actually especially if that person will kick off. Been able to say no is an invaluable life lesson. Obviously they're young and you'll have to help them negotiate how to do this or even do it on their behalf with a message included from them.
I would address this now and not let it fester and play on your kids minds. Talk about it with them in a matter of fact manner, explain that sometimes it's ok to suit themselves, that it's ok for them to want to spend Christmas at home and it's also ok for their step mum to want to spend Christmas with her family and no one needs to be upset but if they choose to be that's their own choice.

aintnothinbutagstring · 31/10/2019 11:52

I was also going to say he probably wants them as a)company for himself, make the trip a bit more bearable b)extra hands to help with the little ones. Which is all well and good but it doesn't sound like your dc will enjoy themselves at all and you won't be enjoying yourself at all, all in all there's more losers than winners in this, I doubt your MIL will be too bothered as their not her family unless she's managed to strike an amazing bond in the past years but doesn't sound like that.

SunshineAngel · 31/10/2019 11:53

Would I let my kids forgo spending Christmas with me to spend it with the parents of the woman who broke up our marriage?

Let me think about that one.

Put your foot down. You are their mother, you need to see them over Christmas. You have said they don't want to go, and I honestly don't think it's fair to make kids do something they don't want to do at Christmas. It's a special time of year, and the magic doesn't last forever, so it's important to make the most of each and every year.

5LeafClover · 31/10/2019 11:58

Just occurred to me that you will need to make it clear (in writing somewhere) that you still expect the arrangement to go back to split Christmas next year as that's what suits your DC....or you might find yourself facing the same again next year because it's 'his turn' to have 4 days.

RightYesButNo · 31/10/2019 12:05

I don’t know if it’s terminal. I keep being told by ex (who is known to exaggerate or twist truth to suit his needs) that it’s “very serious”. But with him, that could mean anything.
You’ve mentioned that your own DF is ill. So it could be that your father is as ill, or possibly even more ill, than Ex’s MIL, since you can’t trust him for information.

It sounds like, since the stepmum has decided they need to spend all of Christmas 400mi away, he’s decided to just try to insist the kids “need” to be there versus admitting that it’s for his own convenience. And I should point out that I normally have a lot of tolerance for stepmums and blended families, but not any for the kind that treat stepchildren as though they don’t fully belong. That’s shite, and it will make for a horrible Christmas.

If, as you’ve said, your teens are just not to the point where they feel comfortable upsetting their father, but they’ve told you they don’t want to go, and you don’t want to be without them, then you may have to take it upon yourself to be the “bad” person, and simply say that you’re not willing to break arrangements for a non-grandparent, and that they have an ill grandparent here that is looking forward to seeing them over Christmas as well, so your ex can either make arrangements for them to spend half wherever he is or you’d be happy for them to stay with you for all of Christmas, if that’s more convenient for him.

coconutpie · 31/10/2019 12:45

YANBU. Your ex is being totally selfish here - he's only thinking of himself, not what's best for the kids.

Jellybeansincognito · 31/10/2019 13:36

@BigChocFrenzy is spot on too. He’ll just want your children there for childcare.

MulticolourMophead · 31/10/2019 14:03

As soon as I saw the difference in ages, I thought that the Ex wants handy childcare available, if his MIL is ill and his wife wants to spend time with her.

If OP's DC go, they'll be in for a miserable time. I bet there aren't any adults who would be happy to spend time somewhere they aren't wanted and where they feel unwelcome.

It's a hard no from me.

purplepalace · 31/10/2019 14:08

At their age the kids are old enough to choose, I'd ask them what they want and follow their wishes (fighting their corner if you have to)

purplepalace · 31/10/2019 14:10

(I'm being a bitch now....but did OW think of you and your little family's Christmases together when she slept with your DH?)

Whitleyboy · 31/10/2019 14:14

@Ninkaninus

"People...the MIL doesn’t want them there. The ex likely doesn’t want them there. It’s the husband (who cheated on his wife and ultimately left his children for another woman, let’s not forget!) who wants his children to be with him for the whole of Christmas."
What? Aren't the ex and the husband (who cheated on his wife) one and the same person?

RosesAndLilies · 31/10/2019 14:16

Absolutely not! If it was his Mum or if the children were especially close to their step family it may be different.

His request is entirely selfish.

Original poster
VivienScott · 31/10/2019 14:16

Thanks all. As some of you have perceptively pointed out, there is very high probability ex wants dc’s for childcare/entertainment. He uses them this way already at home so this is highly likely and something that utterly frustrates me.
I’ve told him no, DC’s want to be home with their closer family and I don’t think it’s fair of him to put them in that environment or to ask.
I am now a selfish c* denying his wishes and manipulating ‘his’ children, but I’ve been here before, basically anytime I’ve said no to him about anything Hmm

OP posts:
Whitleyboy · 31/10/2019 14:19

OP, is there any way your ex could fly back so that he could spend Boxing Day at home with your children so that you get Christmas Day and he gets Boxing Day?
His current wife could stay at her mum's with their younger children and come home a few days later?

Witchinaditch · 31/10/2019 14:22

Well he sounds like a delight!

Elle7rose · 31/10/2019 14:22

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

Your kids feel left out with their step-family so Christmas with them will be miserable. Their step-grandparent doesn't even see them as grandkids so I don't see why they should spend Christmas together even with a terminal illness involved.

ODFOx · 31/10/2019 14:22

Sick old lady requests family Christmas and ends up with difficult preteens to whom she is not related.
Your ex is trying to put his wishes above the Christmas of your DC and his MIL.
Say no OP. He can have them for 4 days over new year to make up for it.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/10/2019 14:23

Good for you for putting your children first! You're clearly well rid of him, nasty, selfish piece of work that he is. No point arguing, just repeat that what's best for the children, not for him, is the mist important thing, for Christmas.

Catsick36 · 31/10/2019 14:23

Definitely not. If their dad wants to give up his Christmas with his kids to go elsewhere then that's his decision to live with. He certainly does Not get to take them to strangers houses for the whole of Christmas. That is definitely unreasonable.

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