To want DP to attend my graduation

[TheFatherSonAndHolyToast]

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

@Derbee oh get over yourself you sanctimonious pearl clutcher. There's nothing wrong with indulging in a little revenge fantasy when you're angry with someone. It's cathartic.

And if you must know, I've been with my partner for 15 years, married for almost 13 of them. We are happy and both make each other laugh. We are parents to two happy, bright and well adjusted children.

Sorry to disappoint you!

Graduations may not be the most scintilating of life events, but they are an important recognition of an achievement and most people turn it into more of a personal occasion by adding in extras like a meal out.

Attending DH's graduation wasn't particularly convenient, it was a very uncomfortable/ painful stage of pregnancy where I seamlessly went from the nausea/ exhaustion of the first half into the SPD of the second half. With hindsight, that was the day that my pelvis first ground up leaving me temporarily unable to walk. I had to buy new clothes down to underwear because nothing appropriate fitted.
But it was all worth it for the formal recognition of DH's effort and acheivement.

If he's refusing to adjust his plans to accommodate DSD's birthday and your special occasion, then the sad truth is that he is showing you where his priorities lie, and I'd seriously be considering the future of your relationship/ marriage.

@AzraiL you sound lovely. Embarrassingly immature and over reacting to the OP’s situation. And over reacting to my comment.

I couldn’t care less about your personal circumstances but you obviously feel insecure enough to need to reassure me 😂

@Derbee You sound lovely also. But let's not get ahead of ourselves and derail the OP's thread and very valid concerns by making sweeping generalisations about one another/hijacking the conversation based on a few words on a post. We both seem to be guilty of that in this instance. If you wish to judge me go ahead. It changes nothing where I'm concerned. I was pointing out that you were making some bizarre assumptions about me based on nothing, but at the end of the day you don't actually matter. But if that makes you feel happy do continue doing so, then by all means, have at it I guess?

OP the whole point in choosing to share your life with someone is so that you can be a team. You support one another, push one another, help one another, celebrate one another and compromise for one another. And you don't just do this for the 'fun' and 'easy' or 'convenient' things. You do it for the difficult, boring, confronting things too. Sometimes you do things for your partner that you have no interest in because it makes them happy, and their happiness makes you happy. And part of being a team means that they need to do the same in return. Otherwise, what's the point?

Who cares if graduation ceremonies are boring? You've been with him for four years, and I'm assuming he has witnessed how hard you've worked and how many sacrifices you've made to achieve this goal. He knows how much this means to you.

I'm not sure what you'll end up deciding but it's something you'll probably need to consider going forward.

Aw congratulations OP on your achievement.
I kind of know how you feel. My husband nor parents came to my graduation, I was all alone. Husband had to look after our three children and my parents refused to come or even baby sit. But hey ho, was their loss. They never got an invite to aby of my future graduations. No resentment to my husband at all as I believe he would have loved to attend, however he didn't go out of his way to arrange any babysitters or buy himself a ticket so to me that itself spoke volumes.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You've asked him to attend and he's refusing. His daughter may not even want collecting from school. She may have alternate plans arranged already. He's using her as an excuse as otherwise I think he would have some concrete plans in place for that afternoon in regards to collecting her from school, so far he's just going on the assumption that she has no plans and will be okay with HIS request.

Please take it from me. You get one shot at life and you don't deserve to feel second best, ever. It'd be a different kettle of fish if he'd already made arrangements with her for example a birthday dinner on that evening, but he hasn't. You deserve more.

Having her overnight so they can have a birthday breakfast sounds a much better plan. He's seriously going to miss your graduation just to pick her up from school?

Exactly. He has options that mean he can still see his DD on her birthday. Birthday breakfast + take her to school. He just doesn't want to compromise. I guess he's sending you a message about that in his way.

You matter too OP. Are you planning to marry him? I watch my DB with his partner, he's good with his DS (partner is not his son's mum) but there's also an element of using 'my son comes 1st' to get out of doing stuff with her that he doesn't want to do. She is well and firmly in her place. & She's not the only woman I know in that position.

People saying graduations are boring are spectacularly missing the point. Some parts of supporting your partner may be boring but so what? It's the support that matters, it's unrealistic to pretend everything must be entertaining or super-interesting for you.

OP I hope you find someone to go along and share your achievement and special event

I disagree with PP and I think he should be there.

He's seeing her in the morning anyway and he'll be missing your graduation just to drive her home from school?

This is such a big day for you and it's not going to happen again, he should be there

Ps. Congratulations on doing so well

I think he can't be arsed to go and he's found a convinient excuse. I say this as several reasonable compromises such as her staying over the night before have been suggested, yet he insists on picking a 15 year old up from school; just to drop her off at home. Congratulations on your achievement OP, enjoy your day, is there a friend you can take along?

No way, graduation is a one off and his 15 year old can see him the day before or after her birthday. I would absolutely be hurt that he can’t see how important this is to you and what a huge deal it is.

If a 15 year old can’t cope with this then I’m guessing she’s a spoilt brat, or he’s a Disney dad.

Congratulations on your Master's and award!

I think he should absolutely be there for you, especially as you have a compromise and he can see his DD in the morning. To me this seems a bit like he is growing a green eyed monster... could he be a bit jealous of your success, could he feel theeatened by your earning power? It depends on how he is generally in terms of support and celebrating your successes but I would think long and hard before marrying him. To be fair you may also have changed a bit due to the Masters and studying and getting a better career - perhaps you have more confidence now and it doesn't sit well with him. Good luck!

OP does he really understand the person you are? To make so little of this massive achievement makes me wonder if he understands you properly, and if you hold the same values. And I’ve read more of your explanation where he’s not even doing anything with her (ffs who takes and entire day off work to drop and collect a 15 year old from school, that’s nuts). Are you sure this is a decent, healthy relationship based on mutual values and respect? It does also sound like he’s using her as an excuse to get out of something he can’t be bothered doing - graduation- which to me also says he doesn’t care how you feel about this and you come second to his own “can’t be arsed going” attitude.

I think he’s being massively unreasonable.

Point out to your fiancée that in fact he should be going to your graduation to illustrate to her that academic achievements are really something special and to be celebrated. She’s taking her GCSES really soon. For me this is a brilliant parenting lesson.

He’s taking her to breakfast. It’s ridiculous to miss your ceremony, which is a once in a lifetime event for 10 mins in the car, with his dd, who would be ambivalent about being collected from school.

I’d be having a big think as to whether this is a relationship I want to be tied to through marriage if at all. This would be a really big deal for me.

I know a couple, know the well, where the DH started work young in an unusual career and has achieved success in quite a public role. His field does not require academic qualifications and he has none.

His DW - they married comparatively late, 40ish, no prior partnerships for either - was working p/t towards her degree and graduated after they married.

After the ceremony, which he atttended, he played around and dressed up in her cap and gown, getting her to take photos of him. One of these is enlarged and framed on the wall of their house where visitors can see it as they enter. Her official photo sits on the floor in the garage, propped against the wall, waiting for a broken frame to be mended. It's been there three years now.

She studied and gained her degree in her second, or possibly third language, which is his first.

OP, I don't think your DP is as wholeheartedly proud of you as a partner should be. Ask him to help pick your graduation photo for enlarging and framing and help pick the frame and the place it should hang. If he gets involved, offers to pay, expresses regret that he wasn't there, all is well. If he CBA or shrugs and tells you it's up to you, I think you might need to re-consider wher he is actually on team Toast or a saboteur.

Should be 'know THEM well.'

Toast, I think his attitude reeks of "Who do you think you are?"

@TheFatherSonAndHolyToast have you managed to have a chat with your partner, since creating this thread?

Lots of interesting stuff has come up it seems. I feel sad for you and hope you can find out if this man really does care for you and is pleased for you or if, as it looks from here, that he is not very supportive or proud of you.

Op I think you're getting a hard time on here. In my opinion I think I would be reconsidering getting married. He should be proud of you and want to share your big day. He IS seeing his daughter on her birthday and could be taking part in both celebrations but he's choosing not to. Yes children should come first but not to the detriment of everything else. It doesn't sound like any arrangements have been made for her 15th birthday so it all seems strange that he's pinning it all down on collecting her from school.

You've worked hard to achieve your degree. He should be proud of you and want to share in that. You are absolutely justified in feeling hurt that he doesn't. Only you know what your relationship is like apart from this but you've hinted that he doesn't always care about your feelings. You need to have a frank conversation with your DP.

Massive congratulations to you for your incredible achievement!!!!

I can't believe how many people think you're being unreasonable to want your partner at your ceremony!! Of course you want him there - it's a big deal to you & he should be proud to be there with you.

He absolutely would not be a bad father for juggling things slightly to allow him to celebrate/see his daughter on her birthday as well as supporting/celebrating with you. It's quite clear that he can adequately do both & his 15yr old is mature enough to understand that your graduation is more important than a 10min car journey when her dad has already had breakfast with her etc. In fact, your commitment, dedication & sheer bloody hard work to achieve your degree is a great example & inspiration to her & her father blowing it off is a slap in the face & makes him an uncaring idiot! Time for a serious conversation with him??

Whilst graduation ceremonies seem (to me) to be mainly about herding large quantities of people around, I do understand and sympathise with your feelings and what it symbolises for you.
Is it not possible to have an grown up conversation with his ex wife and assuming her support, his daughter, to see if they can all agree he comes to your ceremony that day? 15 is just a birthday and if they can all agree to him getting a pass because of the graduation I can't see what the problem is.

Well done OP ⭐️⭐️👩🏻‍🎓⭐️⭐️

You partners is being unkind, dim and very, very unreasonable. It's crazy. Kids should nearly always be put first but there should be exceptions and this should be one of them!!

You have been clear to him about what this means to you and he still doesn't seem to care. It's very unpleasant of him. Is it in your kids best interests for you to marry someone who is such a shit??

I'd be having a really good think about the future. I think it might be saying a lot about him that he is thinking like this.

The ceremony may well be filmed and available on line. We, as grandparents, couldn’t get seats inside to see actual ceremony but waited outside for photos and then watched it on line. I was able to take photos from the recording. I know it’s not the same and I feel for you. I know from my own memories of graduation what a big deal it was. However, perhaps it’s not worth clouding your special day with recriminations. He obviously knows how disappointed you are so perhaps you can compromise with a celebration later on. Congratulations and get lots of photos

Normally I'm on the side of the child, but here I'm not. This is your graduation. It's a big deal. And you've given him an alternative way to see his daughter on her birthday. I would be so disappointed.

That said, I think making this a hill to die on will only make you all miserable.

I’d reconsider whether I wanted to marry this man. I really would. He’s basically told you where you stand in the pecking order and it wouldn’t be high enough for me. Plus - you have your own children to consider and to “put first”; as a pp said, why compromise their future financial security for a marriage with this man.

The “kids come first” mantra is lazy. As a philosophy, of course it’s right that dependent children’s needs are met before those of capable adults, because they are more vulnerable and depend on us for their care. It does not mean that a child’s every want should be pandered to; as a pp said, you would not miss an important family celebration because your two year old wanted to watch Peppa Pig. You would not allow a five year old to dictate where a family went on holiday or which house they bought. So all of this is a red herring. He wants to see his DD on her birthday and she would like that. By the sound of it, that can happen and he can still do something important to you. Everyone’s a winner. The only person’s wants who are coming first here are your fiancé’s. Take note and beware....

I actually don't think you're being unreasonable. Graduation ceremonies only last about an hour or so. He could make an effort, especially as you say it's a big deal to you

YABU children should come first.