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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 30/10/2019 21:15

Different people have different priorities. To you, the most important thing happening that day is your graduation. To him, it is his DD’s birthday. Neither of you seem to be able to recognise the other’s point of view.

ActualHornist · 30/10/2019 21:24

Some of you are being really unpleasant about the fact that OP actually wants to attend her graduation.

So what if you didn’t. So what if you think they’re boring. OP isn’t asking you to attend - she wants the man she is to marry to care enough about this proud moment to share it with her.

You know I attended a funeral with my husband. Didn’t know the dead person. Barely knew anyone there. It was boring as hell. But because I cared for him, I went, to support in this case but the principle is the same.

Anyway @TheFatherSonAndHolyToast my opinion hasn’t changed. He’s being unreasonable to say he won’t go because he could be spending ten minutes driving his daughter home. It speaks volumes IMO.

And I’d be perfectly happy to explain to a soon to be 15 year old that their birthday treat was postponed for an important event - as it happens, we’ve postponed DS’s birthday celebrations till tomorrow purely because he wanted to do something Halloweeny. And he actually wants to spend time with us unlike a teen!

saraclara · 30/10/2019 21:30

Given how well DSD gets on with the OP, I imagine she'll be horrified if she discovers that her dad picked her up for that ten minutes instead of going to her SM's graduation. She might actually feel irrationally guilty. Which is hardly him putting her first.

MummytoCSJH · 30/10/2019 21:33

YANBU, he is showing you he isn't proud and doesn't respect your achievement or the effort you've put in. I feel so bad for these spoiled children who will feel like they've been hit with a tonne of bricks when they make it out into the real world and find out it doesn't revolve around them!

saraclara · 30/10/2019 21:36

I went to both my daughters' graduations, and my late husband's, (when he, like the OP did a post grad). I couldn't have been prouder on all three occasions.
Yes it's a long day, yes, you only care about that moment when 'your' person steps up to receive their degree. But seriously, anyone who refuses to go when their soon/daughter/partner wants them to, is a pretty shit person

Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 21:37

Come off it we all have to do things in life that are "deathly boring".

Taking a 3 year old to the ball park
Attending an under 5's dance show
Endless shit U certificate films at the cinema are a few that spring to mind.

I was proud to attend my husbands graduation because I love him and he wanted me to be there. I also accompanied him recently when he was receiving an award. I really didn't want to. I hate those formal occasions. It was a real pain organising childcare not to mention the cost of flights, accommodation and a killer outfit. He made a speech and I was mortified when he mentioned me and everyone stood up to toast me. But me being there was important to him and he is important to me so I sucked it up.

FeeFee832 · 30/10/2019 21:47

DD should definitely come first! You're being unreasonable. Grow up.

FeeFee832 · 30/10/2019 21:56

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 22:02

@FeeFee832 eh? How did you jump to that conclusion 😂
The total opposite in fact, which is why I’m so hurt he won’t bend even a little whilst I always put myself out for our family.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 22:03

And like I said, this isn’t about DSD she won’t be bothered either way and is a lovely kid

OP posts:
Bayleaf25 · 30/10/2019 22:08

Sorry but I think YABU. As an adult go with your mother or other family but unfortunately I think your DP is doing the right thing by putting his daughter first (whilst she is still a child and needs to feel that she is important to her parents).

Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 22:09

Just go away FeeFee832.

This thread isn't about me but I feel invested.

Last week I went with my husband when he received the results of his cancer diagnosis. Believe me when I say that I did not want to go with him but of course I did.

That is what I was alluding to when I mentioned up thread about the good times and the bad. If he will not celebrate the good times I would worry that he cannot be supportive in the bad times.

BackforGood · 30/10/2019 22:16

Wow, am AMAZED by the answers on the first page.

YANBU AT ALL

Of course he should be there at your graduation - he has every opportunity to spend time celebrating his dd's birthday with her on any day around her birthday, but the fact he is willing to miss this incredibly important day for 10mins picking her up from school and driving her home, says a lot about his lack of pride in you an lack of acknowledgement about how important this is to you.

I like this suggestion Invite your DSD to your graduation in her dad's place

saraclara · 30/10/2019 22:22

@Bayleaf25 I'm not she that you've read the whole thread.
The OP's partner is opting to spend 10 minutes in the car with his daughter on her birthday. The alternative is to have her stay over, wake up in his house on her birthday, have a birthday breakfast, and then the same ten minutes in the car on the way to school instead of on the way home. After this he can go to the graduation.

Can you explain why him spending LESS time with his DD on her birthday is 'putting her first'?

Sally2791 · 30/10/2019 22:26

Is this the only example of his stubborn inflexibility? Of course children should always come first but a school pick up vs your graduation, when there are other options to be with her ? Hmm. I think he’s trying to make a point.

sonjadog · 30/10/2019 22:28

I would go with your daughter. Don't move your graduation as that is really saying that your life and wishes are completely subservient to him. I think this is more about him not wanting to go than anything else. I would have a think about if this is a pattern of behaviour and if marrying this man at the moment is such a good idea. Marriage to someone who always puts you last will be soul-destroying.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 30/10/2019 22:40

Thanks for the reports on this thread.

Discussions like this often get heated but we'd like to remind you that Mumsnet is here to make parents' lives easier. While we encourage healthy and robust discussion, we hope that everyone can respect each other in their choices and express their views without resorting to personal attacks. We're sure you'd all agree that parents-to-be and new parents need all the support they can get. After all, parenting is hard enough without facing judgement and criticism for those choices. Peace and love.

saraclara · 30/10/2019 22:59

Have you got the right thread, MN? No parents-to-be or new parents here.

Sashkin · 30/10/2019 23:06

OP, you're a stepmother so of course some posters will say you'd be unreasonable to expect your DH to be with you on your deathbed if he had the opportunity to empty DSD's wastepaper basket for her instead #makingmemories

Like other posters, I think this is a wake-up call about how much he prioritises you. Children do come first, but not to the exclusion of everyone else in the world. Would it be ok for me to skip my DM's 60th birthday because DS2 would rather watch Peppa Pig? Of course not, his wants don't outweigh my wider responsibilities to the rest of my family. And it's not ok for your DF to miss this just because he'd rather drive his daughter home from school in the afternoon instead of driving her to school in the morning.

KatyCarrCan · 30/10/2019 23:07

OP you should have a virtual graduation on MN. Posters can wear hats, toast you with gin Wink MNers will celebrate with you even if your DP won't.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/10/2019 23:11

Congratulations OP

It sounds like your df is the one who wants to see his dd on her birthday, rather than it benefitting his dd. As you said, she's not bothered, so it must be him. So yes, you're right, he is putting his own thoughts and feelings in front of yours. This is less to do with his dd and more to do with his priorities.

You need to figure out if you really want to be married to someone who will unlikely put you first if that means he has to put himself second.

Sashkin · 30/10/2019 23:31

And plenty of universities don't let you move your graduation date. I had to miss my UCL PhD graduation because I was working overseas on a project I couldn't leave easily. I gave the ceremonies office ten months' notice that I couldn't make that date, I had no "cohort" I needed to graduate with because it was a PhD, they had four other ceremonies both earlier and later in the year that they could easily have placed me in instead, but they wouldn't budge.

They even have "non-ceremony photo days" so that all the people who couldn't go to their graduation can still go and have some pictures taken with their families in their gown, which should demonstrate that lots of their students want to reschedule their graduation date but aren't allowed.

Wheat2Harvest · 30/10/2019 23:32

I think he should attend. In that situation, and as you have been together for four years, I would feel very hurt if he didn't.

It is awkward that it coincides with his DD's birthday but that can't be helped, and she's celebrating it with her mother anyway. Surely he can explain to her that this is a very special day for you and he wants to celebrate it with you, and promise her a 15th birthday treat for the weekend or something?

This is assuming that he wants to celebrate your achievement with you. I actually feel disappointed on your behalf.

shrutefarm · 30/10/2019 23:48

Sounds like he's doing it on purpose to make a point about how little he gives a shit about your achievements.

DoctorDoctor · 31/10/2019 00:20

I'm also amazed by the suggestion from RhiWrites that OP could just choose to be part of a different day's graduation ceremony. I've worked at three universities and know people at a good few others and none of them allow this. It's the date specified for your subject, or you roll it on to the next round of graduation ceremonies in 6 or 12 months. This in my experience is the sector norm. OP is stuck with the date she's been given.