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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 20:28

@Stephminx no he didn’t think it was important enough to book off in advance, he booked his Christmas break but had extra days of annual leave to book off and booked from New Year - to 7th off. He’s back to work on 8th, his DDs birthday just happens to fall in that period. Not specifically booked it off for her, it was just tagged on to his otter annual leave days.
He doesn’t normally book it off.

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 30/10/2019 20:34

Bit pathetic

Ok then. Don't see yours on their birthdays I take it. Each to their own but like I said, not the norm.

Stephminx · 30/10/2019 20:35

@TheFatherSonAndHolyToast

Still arguing with anyone who disagrees with you I see...

Sagradafamiliar · 30/10/2019 20:36

My children are everything you think yours will be, thank you very much Smile
Your little digs and attitude towards your soon to be SD are in full flow now aren't they.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 30/10/2019 20:38

Graduations are really bloody boring, I suspect he's using his DD as an excuse not to go.

Have you celebrated your degree achievements together in any other way? I know when I finished my BSc, all of the excitement and celebration had worn off by the time graduation came round. I didn't go to my Masters graduation.

saraclara · 30/10/2019 20:40

@Stephminx people are not reading the thread, which is why the OP is constantly having to tell people that they're mistaken.

This thread is going round and round in circles because people are making stuff up instead of reading the facts
a) He hasn't taken the day off for this
b) This isn't what he'd normally do on his children's birthdays
c) This ten minutes isn't his only chance to see her on her birthday - he could see more of her on that day if he chose to by taking up OP's suggestion
etc...etc

thatsmyumbrella · 30/10/2019 20:42

I don't think you are bu. Yes in other circumstances I would have said prioritise a child's birthday however for some people a graduation is a once in a lifetime and it clearly means a lot to you. There's nothing wrong with a 15 year old understanding that sometimes they are not the centre of the universe. I wonder if all pp posters who think you are being unreasonable would say the same if dd's birthday clashes with a close family wedding would that still be ok not to go

Grumpos · 30/10/2019 20:42

I would feel the same as you OP, your partner IS seeing his daughter on her birthday, he’s taking her to breakfast and if he wanted could have her stay the night before as well,

As he hasn’t actually run the “pick her up from school plan” by her he doesn’t even know whether she might make other plans - go home with friends or hang out after school etc.

Kids don’t always need to have everything focused on them, a family is a unit, everyone needs their own little bit of time. This is a big achievement for you and your partner doesn’t even seem bothered enough to try and find a compromise so he can be there with you. Doesn’t sound very supportive, I’d be upset too.
If it was DSS 18th birthday or there was a big party planned or he hadn’t seen her for 4 weeks beforehand etc I could understand him feeling like he needed to prioritise her. But it’s not, it’s 10 mins in a car. He could easily compromise, but simply won’t.
YANBU to be upset at the lack of thought, i would be too

Veda33 · 30/10/2019 20:47

An MSc is HARD work, much harder and more intense (due to tight deadlines) than my PhD. CONGRATULATIONS and much respect to you for getting a Distinction!! I hope you build the life you deserve Flowers

I would expect if he lived with you whilst you completed your MSc, then he knows the sweat and tears you put into it, and surely would want to celebrate your success with you. Again as mentioned his daughter is fifteen, she is old enough to be reasoned with, and hopefully she is more empathetic than her father and would encourage him to be with you.
I loved every minute of my graduation ceremonies, they were the only times in my life where I truly felt proud of myself. I did it all in my 30s too. In my 20s, bought a house with an abusive arse and lost everything. I can appreciate your determination to build a better life for you and your children. I accept that I am projecting, but my advice would be to use your new found success to benefit you and your children; put yourselves first. Congratulations again!!!!!!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 30/10/2019 20:48

I think he is being unreasonable. He could easily have asked his DD whether it was ok to spend the day at your graduation and celebrate her birthday the day before and morning of her birthday. She could then give her response, he hasn’t asked, and this is a one off celebration for you.

Is he secretly jealous you have achieved this wonderful qualification?

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 20:49

Your little digs and attitude towards your soon to be SD are in full flow now aren't they
No digs towards her at all, that was aimed at you. My SD isn’t spoiled because she doesn’t expect to be the centre of the universe and isn’t, DP is just being ridiculous for 10 mins. Putting kids first always will make them entitled and do them no favours which is what you said you do.
HTH.

@Stephminx not arguing, I was correcting your misconception because you have chosen to not read the PPs which explained he hadn’t and doesn’t normally book a day off work for his DC’s birthdays. That’s all, you seemed to have missed that point

OP posts:
wizzywig · 30/10/2019 20:50

Nah, he should come to the graduation. Im sure he wont prioritise your birthday over his daughters graduation (if she goes to uni). Its a huge achievement doing the degree

saraclara · 30/10/2019 20:51

Anyway, OP, to be honest, I think you should take your daughter. She and your mum will be uncomplicatedly happy and proud of you. I'd want the people who want to be there, over someone who clearly isn't fussed.

I think that you, your mum and your daughter could have a lovely day out of this.

Vampyress · 30/10/2019 20:52

Honestly I think picking his dd up is a bit of a cruel way of saying he cba to go, most likely laziness if he's anything like my DH. If it wasn't her birthday I suspect he would find another excuse to avoid having to make the effort. He wont switch to having DD the night before and taking her in because her birthday was never the priority, having his day off lounging around the house is likely his priority. I think you need to explain to him that his utter refusal to move/negotiate on this is deeply hurtful and not something you are likely to move on from easily and see what he says. It is one of the most important days you have had in a very long time, if you can't share moments like that with the people you love supporting you and sharing thay experience regardless of how it inconveniences them, then what is the fcuking point? No logical nor rational reason not to keep everyone happy.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 20:53

Also in response to those saying graduate on another day, as I’ve said in a PP I am also receiving an award so if I don’t go I will just receive it through the post.
And it is a big deal to me. I’m the first person in my immediate family to achieve any degree, let alone a masters, and I’m also receiving this prestigious award. I want to go, I want my future husband to support me and yes I think it’s more important that a 10 min car journey with his DD when he’ll have already spent a good amount of time with her earlier in the day.

OP posts:
57Varieties · 30/10/2019 20:53

Don't see yours on their birthdays I take it

Yeah I do actually since we all live in the same house.

57Varieties · 30/10/2019 20:54

Honestly OP just ignore the eejits and martyrs. We just know the kind of snotty, pampered entitled adults their kids will turn out to be.

Daaps · 30/10/2019 20:56

Part of “putting children first” is teaching them what’s important and what’s not and how to have functional, balanced, nice relationships. I would be pretty devastated if my dd went from having every whim catered to, even whims she wasn’t even having, to a few years later in adulthood having to be relegated to service person, never being allowed to be centered, even on important days. Remember that Asda Christmas advert a few years ago that everyone lost their shit over? The mum did everything and didn’t even get a proper seat at the table. Who wants their mum treated like that? Who wants their dd treated like that when she’s a mum? Who wants their dd to be a massive drudgy martyr because she’s an adult and “kids come first”. Not over big things or important things but ffs, get some perspective. It’s a 10 min car journey with her dad, who she has a good relationship with and has seen 6 hours previously and the day before. Will she remember it when she is graduating and her husband doesn’t go for some shitty made up reason?

Sagradafamiliar · 30/10/2019 21:00

Yeah I know it was aimed at me 😂 hence why I addressed it. A dig at my children. Shameful. But I couldn't be more proud of them so it didn't bother me.
I'll leave you to it as your low blows are taking the shine off your big achievement.

leomama81 · 30/10/2019 21:00

YADNBU OP! As you say he can see his daughter in the morning and the previous overnight if he wants, seeing her for 10 minutes in the car after school is not going to make any difference and what 15 year old wants to hang out with their dad more than anything else on their birthday anyway?? This is a really big deal for you and I'd be upset in your shoes too. You are getting some anti step mum prejudice here so ignore that.

OneKeyAtATime · 30/10/2019 21:01

I think years of hard work deserves to be celebrated more than being pushed out of a vagina. Birthdays are nice enough but meh...

Sagradafamiliar · 30/10/2019 21:02

So do mine 57, which is why I found your 'pathetic' comment a bit Confused I guess you are also a bit pathetic, too then if that's your logic.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/10/2019 21:03

Speak for your own children, 57 Grin

Raindrops17 · 30/10/2019 21:09

I agree with others that I think he is just using this as a (feeble) excuse not to go. In which case I would take someone else and reconsider your future, especially given the other issues you've mentioned.

However, even if we were to give him the benefit of the doubt that he genuinely wants to surprise his 15 year old DD by picking her up from school on her birthday, then he really needs to consider how this may backfire on him and upset DD. She's going to be 15, she will probably have made plans to hang out with her mates after school. Or want to still get the bus home with them. If he genuinely wanted to put her first then he would be asking her what she wanted to do on her birthday after school.

It isn’t even a case of putting his child first. Putting her first is catering to her needs and occasionally her wants, neither of which is happening here
Agreed

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/10/2019 21:12

Congrats on the masters, but you are being unreasonable because those ceremonies are deathly boring. I had to go to my husband's under grad one as none of his other family could attend, and I was cheesed off to have to attend the PHD one as well... not like I hadn't been there when he defended. Those ceremonies are several hours of utter misery for anyone not walking and frankly I'd be happy if I never had to sit through one again.