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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 31/10/2019 10:49

@strawberrieshortcake
Have you even read the thread or just posting blindly?
It’s not about his DD coming first, it’s about him putting his wants first

OP posts:
PurplePattern · 31/10/2019 11:57

YANBU
Congratulations OP, what a wonderful achievement! Flowers

Unfortunately I agree with the many posters who say that this is probably more of an indication that he does not want to go to your graduation, and not really about his DD, because as you've said, he WILL see her the morning of her birthday and you will celebrate the Sunday. He just doesn't WANT to come, this is just an excuse.
This is more about his relationship with you, he could possibly be jealous, resentful.

"If someone shows you who they are, believe them"

If I were you, I would think very carefully about this relationship. Because it will definitely not get better with time, only worse, sorry.

FizzyGreenWater · 31/10/2019 12:00

OP this sounds like just as good a heads up as your possible showdown in January.

Do you know what I predict?

You returning (hopefully with your DD!) from your graduation to find him lying on the soaf after a muich enjoyed day off. How was DD, you ask, did she have a good birthday in school? Oh I don't know, he'll reply - I couldn't pick her up in the end as she wanted to go back with her friends, as it was her birthday.

This isn't about birthdays or children, it's about you not mattering to him, or worse, him being actively disparaging because he's either a bellend when it comes to relationships or he's jealous or threatened by your achievements. Take your pick.

dreichsky · 31/10/2019 12:46

Normally like a pp I am on the side of the dc but here I don't think there is a dc side.
It seems more like your DP is using the short car journey to avoid the graduation day.
It may well be he doesn't fancy it, they can be pretty dull but I would be really upset if my DH didn't support me over something that was really important to me.
He isn't valuing you or your achievements.
My DH sat through my graduation and I didn't imagine he wouldn't, I did the same for him.
Does your DP usually support you even in areas he doesn't value?

strawberrieshortcake · 31/10/2019 12:50

@TheFatherSonAndHolyToast
I’ve read the entire thread, children should still come first. If you only wanted opinions that aligned with yours you shouldn’t have posted it on the internet.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 31/10/2019 12:51

He doesn't want to and is making a point. Keep you in your place. Yanbu OP

busymummy19 · 31/10/2019 13:01

YANBU. He could easily do something nice for her birthday the day before or after. Your graduation is likely to be a once in a life time occasion and in this situation it should come first. That being said he should make the effort to recognise his daughters birthday to fit in around the graduation. She's a teenager, I'm sure she won't even care. As long as he makes the effort at some point which it sounds like he would do. I think you should have another chat with him and express how important it is to you that he is there for you. Does your DP have a degree or a masters? I often wonder if people who haven't been there themselves realise the amount of effort and energy it involves to complete one and achieve such a high mark.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 31/10/2019 13:06

OP, the crux of it is he doesn't want to go. Whether or not he should go in spite of that to support you is neither here nor there, the fact is your partner, the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with doesn't want to support you at an event which for you is exceptionally important.

Do you really want to spend your life with someone who can't put themselves aside for just a moment, and support you wholeheartedly? I certainly couldn't.

saraclara · 31/10/2019 13:09

@strawberrieshortcake surely putting his DD first would be spending MORE time with her on her birthday, by having her stay over, have birthday breakfast, and THEN have that ten minute car journey. Then she can be with her friends after school as she expects to.

Waveysnail · 31/10/2019 13:12

I'd be bringing all kids with dp if that was possible then go for lovely joint celebration dinner after

GinandGingerBeer · 31/10/2019 13:38

My only thing to suggest in his defence is that he feels intimidated at the thought of going. It's either that or what @FizzyGreenWater predicts.
Congratulations on your huge achievement. This is a flag, one way or the other and it may be that it's a well timed one too.

strawberrieshortcake · 31/10/2019 13:43

@saraclara if her partner doesn’t want to go to her graduation at all because it’s his daughters birthday, that’s his decision. If the OP wants to break up with him because of that, that’s her decision.

Don’t get with people who have children and get angry when they prioritise their children over you. There are plenty of single childless men around.

itbemay1 · 31/10/2019 13:46

I don't see any reason why he can't take his DD to school that morning to see her on her birthday and go to your graduation in the evening. If all he is doing is dropping her home and no celebration as such it seems a shame he can't do both. I'm sure his DD would be fine if he explained

CalishataFolkart · 31/10/2019 13:50

@strawberrieshortcake How is he putting his daughter first when she won’t actually want him to pick her up?

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 31/10/2019 13:52

@strawberrieshortcake but he isn’t prioritising her, not really. She isn’t bothered which means he’s prioritising his own wants, not his DDs and not mine. That’s what I have an issue with.
If his DD actually wanted him to do it or would be upset if he didn’t then that’s a different issue all together. But that’s not the case. He’s prioritising his own want for an extra 10 mins with his kid who wouldn’t mind either way

OP posts:
andyoldlabour · 31/10/2019 13:53

OP your graduation is a once in a lifetime event, where you will feel rightly pleased and proud of what you have achieved.
My DW graduated with an MSc as a mature student 20 years ago, and I would not have missed her big day for anything, I felt proud of her and emotional seeing her collect her certificate, then the photos after and I took her out for a lovely meal.
Your DP's DD will have plenty more birthdays, and I am pretty sure her birthday could have been combined with your graduation.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 31/10/2019 13:53

over his future with who is bothered about his attendance.
That’s the crux of it. He’s putting himself first

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 31/10/2019 13:54

That’s lovely @andyoldlabour

OP posts:
DonkeyHotty · 31/10/2019 14:03

Op he doesn’t want to go, end of. Whether he is being reasonable or unreasonable or not, I think you need to consider why he doesn’t. While it’s a massive thing for you, it clearly isn’t for him. Perhaps he’s jealous or threatened of your achievement. Perhaps he’s doing it to make a statement of some sort (I feel horrible saying this but perhaps he got sick of it while you were doing it and doesn’t want to hear any more about it? NOT saying that’s ok by any means, just playing devil’s advocate.)

I did my (second) degree a few years ago. Worked my arse off too. But didn’t expect dh to come to my graduation. I didn’t go either as it happens as when it came round to it it was too inconvenient for me to take the day off!

Congratulations though you sound as if you’ve done AMAZINGLY well Flowers. I would be examining your dp’s way of thinking though as there’s possibly a back story. And if it’s as simple as he CBA, well you have to decide whether that’s a tolerable offence to you or not.

Sceptre86 · 31/10/2019 14:18

He is being unreasonable. It is not a milestone birthday and she will have many more. Yes many parents would like to see their child and spend time together on their birthday but this changes as they get older and ditch you for mates.

This is a one off special event for you and he should be there supporting you. I have been at various company awards for my dh, I have zero interest in his sector but would always be there to support him and share in his success. That is what partners do, sometimes you take one for the team. I would take your mum and invite friends.

I would have a talk with him though, can you live with someone who for whom you will always be a second thought? Not sure if I would want to be married to someone like this.

Congratulations on your success, it is a great achievement and you should be super proud. I hope someone spoils you on the day x

heatingsoup · 31/10/2019 14:36

Why doesn't he ask her? She's 15 not 2.

strawberrieshortcake · 31/10/2019 14:39

@TheFatherSonAndHolyToast
I have already said that he is the one who wants to spend time with his daughter. It doesn’t matter whether he is being unreasonable or not, if he won’t go you can’t force him. It’s your decision how you want to deal with it.

I don’t know why you act as if you have 100% assurance of what his daughter wants. Do you ask her directly? In front of her dad or by herself, for all you know she may be saying to you that she doesn’t care and privately be saying to him that she really wants him to drive her.

If you have a problem with it leave him fgs.

SarahNade · 31/10/2019 14:46

Can't he arrange her birthday party an hour or so after your ceremony? It's not like she is 16 or 18. He should be with you. A graduation, especially as a mature student, is a big deal. Even bigger as you topped your class. In my opinion, you are not being unreasonable.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/10/2019 14:47

@strawberrieshortcake you sound nice Smile

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 31/10/2019 15:26

@strawberrieshortcake of course I can’t make him come, that’s not what I was replying to. I was responding to your insistence that kids come first view by pointing out that it’s nothing to do with prioritising DSD, it’s about himself.

I know DSD, that’s how I know she won’t be bothered. She wants to spend the evening with her mum and that side of the family. She’s told us this, which is why we’re doing a celebration with our side of the family on the Sunday before as it’s our weekend with her then.

OP posts: