To think you can be as close to your adult sons as you are to your adult daughters?

[fairybeagle]

I know this has probably been done before but I'm just so annoyed and fed up of hearing it!
Looking for input from any mums of adult sons.
MIL is the latest in a long line of people to make comments about adult sons 'leaving you for a wife' and how you'll never be as close blah blah blah.
I am currently pregnant with DS2 and we are not having anymore so I will be a mum of two boys.
Surely this is utter rubbish, or am I being naive?
Am I going to miss out on some magical relationship and my sons will stop calling as soon as they're married?
I just find it such an unpleasant rhetoric!

Why do you think men are bottling things up? Maybe they just manage to deal with things without chatting shit with anyone that will listen for hours on end.

My partner and my son to a T

It’s bullshit imo, I know as many women who are no contact with their mum as I do men who are close to them, and my own personal experience as a daughter is that my mum is much closer to my brother than me, I moved hours away and we didn’t talk for years.

I don’t think men are always bottling things up. There might not be any emotional turmoil at all.

“ Why do you think men are bottling things up? Maybe they just manage to deal with things without chatting shit with anyone that will listen for hours on end.”

This. There is a seeming constant demand for men to be more like women. No. Fuck off.

*Men bottle things up, are nowhere near as emotive and expressive hence they do not need to spend as much time talking with parents/friends etc

Why do you think men are bottling things up? Maybe they just manage to deal with things without chatting shit with anyone that will listen for hours on end.*

What even is this?

I tell you what makes me think this, suicide rates that's what. Much higher amongst men than women.

The weird world of MN strikes again, your comment is just plain weird.

As a mother of both son and daughter I think it is more common for daughters to stay closer to their own mums than their MILs, and that necessarily means that their partners, our sons, will be pulled towards their in laws family. Read some of the threads on here about men who stay close to their own DMs - it does not go down well.

We found the solution was to be on very good terms with the other side's family. That way there was no sense of competition and we could all get together for special occasions without anyone feeling divided loyalties. Easier if you live within a couple of hours of each other of course!

*I tell you what makes me think this, suicide rates that's what. Much higher amongst men than women.

The weird world of MN strikes again, your comment is just plain weird.*

Whilst your comment about suicide rate being higher for men is true, in this context you are being unnecessarily dramatic. Some men simply have nothing to bottle up, so no need express or emote. I never talk to my parents about emotive issues. Doesn't mean I'm not close to them. I talk to my best friend about once every six weeks and I'm very close to her. How much you talk to someone and what you talk about is no indicator of closeness. Bonds manifest in many ways.

My daughter has husband and family, my son a wife and family. We're close enough. Close enough to know broadly what's going on with each other but not so close that either of them write to MN about me. We're there if needed but not in each others pockets all the time. However, son could quite happily not hear from me for months and not notice, so his wife keeps him in touch. If he had no partner and family I'd have to chase him like a nagging mother.

Men bottle things up, are nowhere near as emotive and expressive hence they do not need to spend as much time talking with parents/friends etc

Hahahahaha. I can happily go weeks without talking to my parents or friends. Bottling up is my superpower.

*I’m a daughter and I’m not all that close to my mum. I love her and all, but we could easily go a couple of weeks without talking. Nothing wrong - we don’t live near each other, and just get on with our lives and catch up regularly.

IVe got two boys, and I’d be quite happy to follow a similar pattern with them. When I look to the future, it doesn’t feature daily or even weekly contact with my adult children. I’d hope they are off happily doing their own thing, while DH and I finally get some time to ourselves! I certainly hope they don’t disappear entirely but I don’t think I’d have different expectations of a daughter tbh.*

Yes, this, @WallyWallyWally

Adult children, female or male, are not pets and not there to fulfil some need for closeness in us.

No, they aren't pets, they are family. If you aren't close to your family, then I think that is sad, and I think you are missing out on something. Yes, I know all families are different, I'm aware there are very good reasons why some people put distance between themselves and their family, but I see that as a sad thing.

I often see girls the ages of my boys (adults) out shopping etc with their mums, I rarely see boys. Ds2 sometimes comes shopping with me and go for pizza, which I love. I know it's generalising but I think girls want to hang about with their mums more than boys do.

Maybe this is to do with the 'hobby' you have ? Personally, I prefer to go and watch a football match at the weekend, and I am just as likely to be accompanied by my ds as my dd (that said, my ds is FAR more likely to spend a couple of hours mooching round the shops than either of my dds).

And I dread the wedding and the first baby, I'll always be the MIL and I expect to come second.
Oddly, I've been to two weddings this month, (one where I knew the bride first and one where I knew the groom first) and that wasn't the case at either. Both sets of parents equally involved.

I agree with @VirginWoolf at 09:11:24

My mil made my life hell she ruined my time with our first and left me very depressed, same as with gpil they were awful to me. Mil is dead now and we are nc with all of dh family and my own. I've learnt from the worst how not to behave when I'm a mil.

I have two sons and I dread to think of the future and how when it comes to their weddings and babies I will most likely be pushed to the side in favour of the woman’s mother. It makes me feel very sad.

QueenofmyPrinces, same here. I don't want to come first or be the star of the show and its entirely natural to me that a new mum or bride wants her mum before anyone else, but as a mum of boys I'm sad I'll not be that mum.

And admitting that isn't easy.

@QueenofmyPrinces @ssd that is just it: I’m sad about the “later”, not about the now. I love my two boys and couldn’t care less about raising boys or girls. I don’t fixate on the shopping trips or the dressing up or the being each other’s best friends or otherwise. But when I knew I was carrying my second son I was already mourning something that was maybe 30 years down the line and may not actually have taken place even if I’d had a daughter! (Wedding/babies). It may seem silly to some but it’s real to me. Mind you, I’ve been - though I say it myself - an exemplary daughter in law and allow my MIL a heck of a lot of input and access because it’s nice to be nice. So maybe my future DiL’s will return the karma!

its entirely natural to me that a new mum or bride wants her mum before anyone else, but as a mum of boys I'm sad I'll not be that mum

I get that. But the wedding is the groom's as well and babies have new fathers as well as new mums. DH involved his parents in our wedding as I did mine and they are as involved with our children as my parents are because DH has a great relationship with his parents.

I know my DC are still tiny but I don't imagine my relationship with DS to be different that it will be with DD as an adult so I don't imagine my part as a parent of someone getting married or a grandparent to be different either.

I know more women who prefer their sons. Who are these women who prefer girls, and why couldn't I have been born into one of their families...

I have an only DS. He's 24 and still at home. We've always been exceptionally close. I'm hoping that stays the same in the future. An elderly friend once said that she wanted her kids to visit 'cos they wanted to rather than out of obligation. I hope for that from my DS. My relationship with my DM is the unfortunately the latter. I think you reap what you sow.

I get on well with my MIL. I know if I didn't nothing could make DP love her less. His DM truly loves him she was always very vocal and affectionate.
I think as long as you have a good relationship with DS or a DD with healthy boundaries it should be ok.
Though I've said before if it meant my DS happiness I'd step back, I wouldn't fight my way into his new family, with DD I'd be more inclined to worry if she was in a relationship that meant lc with me. Shit that's bad.

Yeah it is bad.

But when I knew I was carrying my second son I was already mourning something that was maybe 30 years down the line and may not actually have taken place even if I’d had a daughter! (Wedding/babies). It may seem silly to some but it’s real to me.

At the 20 week scan, when I was told it was a boy, I felt very sad and almost had to fight back tears. It wasn’t that I didn’t want another son, it was because it was going to be our last baby which meant I was never going to have a daughter.

My MIL had two sons, my DH and his brother, and when DH and I got engaged I was very excited about going dress shopping as was my MIL but nothing formal was discussed about us going together. However, I ended up going on a shopping trip with my bridesmaid and bought a dress and when I told MIL she was absolutely crestfallen. She looked so disappointed and I remember thinking to myself, “What’s the big deal?!”

But now, as a mother of two sons, I can completely understand why she felt the way she did.

I will never forget the sad look on her face and it’s just a constant reminder of how I envision myself feeling when (if) my sons get married.

Well, stop fixating on it, and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s mad to be worried about a wedding and children that may never take place, whatever sex your children are! DH and I got married with two witnesses on our lunch break, and we had DS in another country to our parents, so no parents were playing major roles at the newborn stage. What are significant milestones to you may not be to your children.

Its down to personality and the not the gender of the person.

Things can also go wrong at any time especially when people get marrie and other people come into the equation. Estrangment is on the increase. Nobody is immune.

May I just point out that while I personally am in agreement that the mother of the son doesn’t usually get the same role and access to the sons family as the wife’s mother, sons bring things that daughters don’t also.

And every child has its unique relationship with you regardless of gender.