To think you can be as close to your adult sons as you are to your adult daughters?

[fairybeagle]

I know this has probably been done before but I'm just so annoyed and fed up of hearing it!
Looking for input from any mums of adult sons.
MIL is the latest in a long line of people to make comments about adult sons 'leaving you for a wife' and how you'll never be as close blah blah blah.
I am currently pregnant with DS2 and we are not having anymore so I will be a mum of two boys.
Surely this is utter rubbish, or am I being naive?
Am I going to miss out on some magical relationship and my sons will stop calling as soon as they're married?
I just find it such an unpleasant rhetoric!

“ I don't have some innate desire to sort out birthday cards for my in-laws just because I am female. It's not in my nature.”

So why do so many women do this stuff and demand it if men. If many men aren’t as interested in that side of relationships, why is that a fault? People are who they are. Why must it be incumbent upon them to always please others and compromise themselves?

All your MIL is really saying is that her son isn't very close to her, so rather than sage advice it's actually just a nasty dig, as far as I can see.

I have 3 sons, one in his twenties, one in late teens, one in early teens. DS1 is away at uni but calls home a fair bit, comes back whenever he can, shares his life stuff with us and seems to value his relationship with us. DS2 is temperamentally more of a people person and communicator, so will probably stay in even closer touch with us when he leaves home. 'Us' is an important word here, as all this sexist bollocks only ever seems to address mother/child relationships. No one ever troubles themselves worrying about fathers' relationships with their grown-up children, you'll notice.

On these threads there are always heaps of posters insisting they hate their mum, while their DH/DB has a great relationship with their mum

I don't hate my mum. But DH is just in contact with his much more. I'm a once a month catch up and he's more like once a week. I don't think it's that unusual.

I am really close to my 23 year old DS. We chat all the time and can chat away for hours. He calls me a couple of times a week, sometimes more.

No idea why so many women do it. Patriarchy. Societal expectations that they won't stand up to. Too many generations of women expected to look after everything. Well, that does not interest me. If DH wants his mum/dad/brother/cousin/whoever to have a card, he has a brain, money and the capability to do it for himself. It is absolutely not incumbent on me to do wife work. So I don't.

I don’t have kids but from what I’ve seen it’s partly down to the relationship but also the personality of the individual. DH is equally as close to his mum as I am to mine. We both ring our mums once a week, we live at least 4 hours away from our parents so don’t see them often. We WhatsApp if there’s something relevant throughout the week. We have also developed relationships with our MILs but I would say I am closer to MIL than DH is to my mum. My MIL has built a great relationship with me and I’m happy to include her in things like I would with my mum. But I think DH is a lot closer to MIL than BIL, who is quite frankly a lazy fuck. He actually keeps in touch with MIL more when he has a partner. Probably because there’s someone to nag him into calling his mother. It’s not the relationship, he’s just very self-centred.

My dad’s mum had 3 boys. Now all 3 boys have stayed close to home and their wives don’t have family nearby, which might help. However, one of her 3 sons are around every other day and on the other days either the DILs are there or my cousins. My grandma definitely didn’t lose her sons when they married.

Also, DH is responsible for his side of the family’s birthdays and I’m responsible for mine. I’ve said all along that if someone on his side doesn’t get a card or present, it’s because he’s not sent one, not me. Occasionally DH might ask me to pick something for his mum such as a candle or gin she might like but I will equally ask him to find a whiskey for my dad.

MIL is incredibly close to her sons. She's a brilliant MIL as well. I'm closer to her than my own mum. DH has said she's one of a very small number of people I am myself around (can't even remotely with my parents. I have to pretend all is hunky dory or my mum 'worries' - eg goes on a bender).

All family dynamics are different.
There are some strange ideas on this thread.
The only one of my children who is a fully fledged adult is my eldest daughter and whilst I love her dearly and we communicate regularly I don't see her very often. She went a long way away to study and has subsequently stayed there to work. If she stays with her current boyfriend and has children then in all likelihood it will be his mum who is more involved in their day to day lives as she lives around the corner. But my DD is a very independent person so I think even if she was still living close by we wouldn't live in each other's pockets. That doesn't mean we are not emotionally close, but we don't feel the need to be in constant contact. My husband actually calls her more often than I do, and worries if we dont hear from her every day or two. Whereas I trust her to get on with her own life and know that she will call if she needs us. But I think that simply reflects the different ways DH and I were brought up.
My others are still in their teens so who knows how things will go, but at present,I think my boys are more likely to stay in the area and spend more time with me than my girls. But time will tell. My youngest son is probably the closest to me of all. I suspect if things stay as they are, any future partner might be annoyed by that in fact - I need to watch out as I don't want to be "that" MIL.
I really dont believe you can generalise. I was always closer to my Dad than my Mum really. I loved them both very much, but Dad and I had more in common. My DH on the other hand is very close to his Dad and struggles somewhat with his relationship with his Mum. I think it depends on individual personalities.

I have two adult sons and two adult daughters.
I have a good relationship with all of them ..three are still living with me but my eldest daughter has moved away (and calls me at random times as she's a doctor and forgets I don't work shifts!)

My eldest son lived away in Australia for a year, and it was hard..on us both. Now he's waiting for his couples visa to go out there and live with his fiancee, and while I will miss his physical presence dreadfully, I know he will pop up at random on FB video, or call me at daft times for a chat. In many ways he is probably my closest child..the girls are more independent but equally loving (youngest has autism so is dependent on us)
DS1 is 26 and never leaves the house without 'Bye Mum, love you..'

I think closeness depends more on individual personalities than gender/sex.

YANBU at all. Of course you can.
I have 1 ds and 2xdds
Though he hasn't "taken a wife", he's now had two long term relationships but still managed to maintain a close and loving relationship with me.
As my dbro did with our Mum until she died.

@KindOranges, I can’t think of a single SAHM among my friends and family. And many of us are the main earners. But in all cases, it’s the wife and mother relationship that dominates.

As for why giving birth has an impact? It’s that moment that a woman really relies on her mum and wants her help (rather than MILs) and the husband and wives roles in the family (unfortunately) start to diverge.

I don’t agree with the balance of things but this is simply how it currently is. I’m all for change. Not least with my two DS’s.

It's bollocks. Adult DS and I are as close as I'd wish for us to be. He invites us on holidays, Christmas at his home, he calls most days and comes to our home to est once a week. I have a daughter and I hope when she's adult I have the same relationship I have with my son.

I think it depends on your personalities and upbringing! Me, my Dsis and Dbro are all equally close to my mum. I text her most days and video call her with my DS at least twice a week. She comes to stay at ours for 1-2 nights once a month and visits for the day most weeks as we are 1 hour away.

My DP is close to his mum too, he doesn't contact her as much as I contact my mum. But I speak to her and my mum fairly equally! She also comes to stay at ours once a month for 5 nights usually as she doesn't work whereas my mum does.

I just think sometimes me, my mum and my MIL all love to talk. We can easily pass hours talking about crap whereas my DP would rather watch tv lol! So I don't think it's necessarily a question of being close to your children, it just depends what yours and their personality is like.

I also don't believe in all the crap about being closer to grandchildren from daughters. I love both my mum and MIL and am grateful for them both! I would trust both of them with my DS. My mum would probably do things more how I do them as I have learnt how to parent based on how she parented me. But I still trust my MIL and know she would always put DS first.

DP probably should contact his mum more, but she hasn't lost him because of me. If anything she has gained a daughter who will sit and talk crap with her and who also updates her on all the lovely new things her grandson is doing

I have three adult sons aged between 26 & 22. I'm close to all of them & I hope it stays that way. The youngest lives at home & we chat a lot. I'm always the first person the older two call if they have news or need some support. It might change when they settle down into serious relationships of course, but I hope the foundations are there for us to remain close.

I only have sons and they are still children but my sister is married to someone who’s one of 4 boys, they are all incredibly close to their parents and have a great relationship with them.

It’s not sexist bollox unfortunately because a son will not give birth.

Yeah, I suppose I can see that if someone has sons and daughters. I only have a sister but she had a baby before me, I definitely felt (until I had mine) that once she had him she and my mum because closer and I was on the periphery a bit

Well No, my son definitely didn't give birth. My dil did though twice and I was with her both times

This is the reason my MIL gives for favouring SIL’s children at the detriment of a relationship with ours and BIL’s children. I can’t fathom it in my head at all, my DB is as close to my mum as I am so when I see my DH’s requests to his DM ignored or declined it makes me feel sad for him. Her reasoning for prioritising his DSis and children is because mothers and daughters are closer and therefore she’s closer to her children. The issue I have with this is because she makes it this way, DH has tried again and again to be closer to her but he’s rejected every time.

We’ve given up.

I have 2 DSons, I don’t see why we wouldn’t be as close as we would be if they’d been girls. Maybe if I believed in the same sexist crap as MIL maybe, but I can’t imagine actively rejecting them purely because they weren’t daughters.

My MIL is close to her DD, but her DS ( My DH) has a very close relationship with her despite not living that close. He calls most days since she was widowed and sees her every 10 days or so.
I am much less close to my own DM and certainly did not depend on her support in the early stages of having babies. No closer bond was formed and it annoys me when posters exclude their ILs from those early days but don’t apply the same rules to their DM.

My adult (32 and 19- the younger at university) sons text or phone most days; they’re both independent, with lives of their own (as are we!), but we always enjoy sharing news, meeting up, and the occasional holiday .

I have adult children of both sexes. I am close to all of them. I also have a lovely DIL whom I get on very well with. However they do spend more timee with her family than ours. This is true for almost every couple I know where there are no mitigating circumstances such as distance or any other issues.

I’m a daughter and I’m not all that close to my mum. I love her and all, but we could easily go a couple of weeks without talking. Nothing wrong - we don’t live near each other, and just get on with our lives and catch up regularly.

IVe got two boys, and I’d be quite happy to follow a similar pattern with them. When I look to the future, it doesn’t feature daily or even weekly contact with my adult children. I’d hope they are off happily doing their own thing, while DH and I finally get some time to ourselves! I certainly hope they don’t disappear entirely but I don’t think I’d have different expectations of a daughter tbh.

As for why giving birth has an impact? It’s that moment that a woman really relies on her mum and wants her help (rather than MILs) and the husband and wives roles in the family (unfortunately) start to diverge.

I didn't really have that much tbh. Mum came over once post birth to help and that was it- it felt really awkward to me because I felt I was an imposition. In terms of childcare my MIL has helped much more.

So why do so many women do this stuff and demand it if men. If many men aren’t as interested in that side of relationships, why is that a fault? People are who they are. Why must it be incumbent upon them to always please others and compromise themselves?

Do you really think women are innately better at that sort of thing? Women are told it's their job from an early age, yes, but not all women do it and those that do don't generally enjoy it- it's a chore. I don't tend to bother personally, but neither does my husband (but I'm the only one that thinks people judge us for not doing it).

It's not that women are better at it, I don't think. IF men in general are bad at things like that, as you suggest, I think it's more that men care less about what people think of them and manners.

Happyspud I agree to a great extent. When I gave birth and then breastfeeding it was my mum who I was happy to have with me all day.

I was pleased to see my mil but for a short visit. And mainly I made dh be there too as it was his mum! As a result my mum had much more contact with the grandchildren.