To think you can be as close to your adult sons as you are to your adult daughters?

[fairybeagle]

I know this has probably been done before but I'm just so annoyed and fed up of hearing it!
Looking for input from any mums of adult sons.
MIL is the latest in a long line of people to make comments about adult sons 'leaving you for a wife' and how you'll never be as close blah blah blah.
I am currently pregnant with DS2 and we are not having anymore so I will be a mum of two boys.
Surely this is utter rubbish, or am I being naive?
Am I going to miss out on some magical relationship and my sons will stop calling as soon as they're married?
I just find it such an unpleasant rhetoric!

You are pregnant and naturally feel protective of your little boys and your relationship with them.

In my view, anyone who is looking for a magical relationship with their adult child is overly invested. Children need to fly the next and become independent. A grown up, independent and mutually respectful relationship is the best possible outcome. Adult children, female or male, are not pets and not there to fulfil some need for closeness in us.

*fly the nest

So why do so many women do this stuff and demand it if men. If many men aren’t as interested in that side of relationships, why is that a fault? People are who they are. Why must it be incumbent upon them to always please others and compromise themselves?

I agree, I said from the get go that it was not my responsibility to do dps family christmas and birthday stuff, if he wanted to do it, he had to do it himself. He has never done it but nor have I, if women feel like this is falling onto them, it is their own fault for agreeing to do it.

Adult children, female or male, are not pets and not there to fulfil some need for closeness in us.

No, but these days especially, it is advantageous in one's own age to have close younger relatives to keep in touch with you. Historically, it's been the norm for thousands of years for people to stay close to at least some of their kids, even as they become adults. Of course no one should feel entitled to it, but personally I will do what I can to encourage a close relationship with any adult DC and hope I can achieve that.

Old age, not own age

“ In my view, anyone who is looking for a magical relationship with their adult child is overly invested. Children need to fly the next and become independent. A grown up, independent and mutually respectful relationship is the best possible outcome. Adult children, female or male, are not pets and not there to fulfil some need for closeness in us.”

Amen sister.

I have 2 daughters and one son. This goes back to when daughters were expected to look after their elderly parents. In reality I think it depends what stage of their life it is.

It isn’t bollocks in my real life experiences to be honest - that’s not to say a mother and adult son can’t be close but there’s a difference.

I don’t think this is sexist. It’s just a simple fact that, for men, their wife if the most important woman in their lives. For women, your mum is likely to be the most important woman in your life.

I agree that there's an element of self-fulfilling prophecy in some families. My mother and grandmother both treated their future DILs as The Enemy (Actual quote from my mother: "She's trying to steal my little boy!". Her little boy was in his mid-twenties at the time) and then were surprised when the relationship suffered.

Also, bless my grandmother but she spent years spoiling her son and having low expectations of him, only to be surprised when he grew up to be very self-absorbed and uninterested in sacrificing any of his time to visiting an ageing parent.

Also, the "your daughter is your daughter all your life" thing isn't an unmixed blessing. My mother is a big believer in that saying and she's always used it as an excuse to control my life. Because mothers and daughters are Best Friends, so she only criticises my parenting or tells me not to breastfeed because we're so close. Also, I get screams and tears from her everytime I make plans to move outside our village, because she thinks she has a right to have my child on her (almost literal) doorstep, because your daughter is your daughter etc...

This is all very heteronormative. How on earth do women who believe that "a son's a son til he takes him a wife" cope if their son ends up taking him a husband instead? I wonder if the mums who spout this fixed, sexist crap are the same ones who have a nervous breakdown and call the vicar if their sons come out as gay.

ExDP is close to his Mum, my DDs are close to her, I still meet her for coffee etc and she is very much central in their lives.

She is bloody amazing.

Also: my Grandma has 2 sons. Both still close to her and my Grandad. I’m very close to my paternal Grandparents; barely see my maternal one (she’s horrible...)

Dh was very close to MIL as was I, so was His sister (her husband not so much) I don't think either of them ever felt the other was " closer" despite them being aware of a different relationship

This is something that troubles me TBH

I often see girls the ages of my boys (adults) out shopping etc with their mums, I rarely see boys. Ds2 sometimes comes shopping with me and go for pizza, which I love. I know it's generalising but I think girls want to hang about with their mums more than boys do. And I dread the wedding and the first baby, I'll always be the MIL and I expect to come second. Not in a bad way, just how things pan out.

@ssd Ds is the one who comes shopping w me. He is a social creature so as far as he is concerned out and about where he might meet someone he knows is fantastic. Its personality imo DD1 is VERY close to dh and they go off together having coffee and for walks Love it. I love dd1 to pieces enjoy spending time w her but she is 100% closer to her dad. Its fine there is room for both relationships

I find it a bit weird to want to be very close to any adult child and among my friends overly close relationships with parents seems to be a common cause of problems in their own adult relationships.

You raise them and then you let them go. Yes, fairly regular contact would be nice and some involement with DGC, they should know that you're still there for practical help and advice but "close" is OTT (although I realise that will mean different things to different people)

“ And I dread the wedding and the first baby, I'll always be the MIL and I expect to come second.”

Why do you want to come first? For what purpose?

I think my PIL believe this, and as a result it became self fulfilling prophecy. I could write loads on this. They blatantly put SIL, and her needs/grandchildren, before DH (whilst badmouthing SIL to DH about how she takes advantage of them but they can't say anything because she wills stop them seeing the grandchildren).

DH warned me they were like this but I didn't really see it until we had children (shortly after SIL). My parents are dead and we live within walking distance from them (SIL lives 2 hrs away) so it wasn't like my family or distance has been an issue.

I would say the main MO is sibling triangulation though - which isn't normal and in any way nice. Unsurprisingly, we distanced ourselves over the years (DH did try on several occasions to discuss it with them). They only contact DH now (95% of the time) if they want something - haven't seen their grandchildren for months on end or asked - and he is becoming less and less helpful. I can't see how anyone has won in this situation.

God this thread is so depressing.

This “men are crap/not interested at wifework” narrative is so frustrating. There is absolutely nothing inherent to your gender that makes you more interested in going to Clinton’s Cards or packing a lunchbox.

If your husbands or sons don’t want to do this it’s because they have learned that they can get away wit it. Because no one ever asked them to step up.

My mum used to shrug when my dad forgot his kids birthdays as if it was the fault of his hormones. But she was born in the 1930s. If in this day and age men can’t grasp that they share some responsibility for life admin then this is something their mothers bear the blame for.

No. Men are less likely to be interested in remembering every date, fannying about with cards for absolutely everything and less interested in keeping in constant touch.

Nobody said anything about making packed lunches. That’s a parental role and responsibility.

The prevailing view often seems to be that men are “crap”, “lazy” “man children” because they don’t pander to their mothers by being in “regular contact”.

But often they just don’t to. Why do your feelings about what other people should be doing trump the wishes of that other person?

It’s just a simple fact that, for men, their wife if the most important woman in their lives. For women, your mum is likely to be the most important woman in your life.

I think it becomes problematic when we start ranking the importance of those in our lives, or rank our perceived importance to others. All close relationships are important and are built on different dynamics and if the relationships are healthy, all should be treasured. Different people will take precedence at different times for many reasons.

I've seen difficulties in relationships where the daughter remains very close to her mother, with the partner feeling side lined. The odds are that those partners won't take to mumsnet to complain, but their own mothers who are feeling the effect of that might do. It does make me wonder about some threads where a mother in law is being complained about but the husband or partner of the poster seems not to be tackling her. I sometimes think it's not that the poster has a husband or mother in law problem, but that the poster is the problem.

My son is my first born and we are so close.He is 29 and an absolute joy.It was me and him on our own for a long time so I guess its natural we are close.It has been an amazing experience watching him grow into himself and become the man he is today.We always have and make time for each other.Our relationship has changed over the years and I respect him greatly,he is a lovely person and I admire him,more above all that we are friends,no one could alter that.

My older son is 20 and away from home. We are very, very close.