To think you can be as close to your adult sons as you are to your adult daughters?

[fairybeagle]

I know this has probably been done before but I'm just so annoyed and fed up of hearing it!
Looking for input from any mums of adult sons.
MIL is the latest in a long line of people to make comments about adult sons 'leaving you for a wife' and how you'll never be as close blah blah blah.
I am currently pregnant with DS2 and we are not having anymore so I will be a mum of two boys.
Surely this is utter rubbish, or am I being naive?
Am I going to miss out on some magical relationship and my sons will stop calling as soon as they're married?
I just find it such an unpleasant rhetoric!

Hey1256 I do get it: I struggled with this throughout the 11 years I was married -- my XH's mum lives on the other side of the world and I had to bully him to remember to call her on her birthday.

Now we're separated he still expects me to do this for him and had a go at me for not writing to her immediately after her husband died.

Looking back I made a rod for my own back by constantly nagging him about this during our marriage and not allowing him to manage his own family relationships. I sort of blame her of course too but she's an old lady in a developing country so unsurprising that she wasn't able to tackle this.

But for the next generation I really feel we have no excuse not to be on top of this which is why I'm so incensed by people coming on going "I'm going to lose my sons when they get married".

Do'nt mollycoddle them, teach them to manage their own emotional and family life properly and to respect women as equals. Then they won't see a future wife as a future mother.

I recognise its not always quite as simple as that but I think we'd all do ourselves a big favour if we stop perpetuating the daft idea that men "can't" do stuff like this and rely on having a woman to do it for them.

@VirginWoolf

You're presuming the DHs and their parents are unhappy with this*

No I'm not. When did I say this?

I'm just giving evidence to prove the a lot of men are less close to parents than women are that's all

But I am proving the point that generally men are just not as bothered with their parents/mothers as much as women are.

My partner isn't bothered about gestures.

He only buys cards and gifts for his parents for milestone birthdays. His sister always buys for them and visits everyday. My partner loves his parents dearly, helps them a lot and is as bothered with his parents as his sister is, but it manifests differently.

@Hey1256 - no, you're proving that women meet their parents for coffee more regularly than men do. That's not proof of being closer.

Think it just depends on the level of closeness - some women (myself included) see their mother most days and talk every day, we are like best mates and live 10 mins walk from each other. I think (sexist, I know) that a man being THAT close to mum in his 40s and 50s is a little odd, it would most likely only happen if he were single and a bit reclusive. If you are talking about "normal " close relationship, like see each other once every week or two and talk on the phone weekly or every few days etc I guess a guy can do that but the calling to chat "just because" and the popping in for daily coffee etc is just more of a female thing, men don't do it with their mates either, women do.

Why os it the wife's job to take up the hisband's slack. My dh doesn't call,text,visit or buy presents for his mother. That doesnt make it my job

@VirginWoolf oh ffs stop being so pedantic will you.

My husband and none his male friends NEVER meet their parents for anything I'm not just talking coffee. I mean for any type of meeting, usually unless their wives are present or it's for dinner (something in it for them).

Here we go again people trying to pick apart every sentence on mumsnet just being silly. You can see the point I'm trying to make it's really stupid you're trying to skirt around my point and pick it apart.

Before he met me my DH was excellent at remembering his parents birthdays etc, when we started shopping together for them but if I forget he remembers. He has missed the odd Mother’s Day or Father’s Day but that was his choice.
He speaks to them twice a week, more than I speak to mine but he isn’t actually close to them.

I just wonder whether women take over early on in relationships then back off when it gets boring buying all the presents? A friend moved in with her partner 12 months ago, she has now taken over all birthday and Christmas shopping for his family including his son as she enjoys it. But I’m sure she’ll soon get bored and resentful by which point he may have gotten so used to it being sorted he might not pick it back up. Just a theory.

Well DS1 will never marry, he's made that clear, and we bond over shared interests. We're good friends.

dontcallmeduck think you may be onto something with this actually...
I think if you're the type of person who has a slightly motherly or controlling streak anyway, or you've been socialised to think its your job its a sign of commitment early on in the relationship.

Then when the bloke feels he's got his feet well and truly under the table and gets too comfortable he starts assuming you will do this as a default.

You then wake up one day and realise you're bored of being housekeeper and carer and decide that buying flowers for your OH's step nan is beyond the call of duty.

All the more reason not to fall into the role of Chief Caring and Bottlewashing Officer in the early stages of the relationship. Start as you mean to go on.

I also think parents should teach their sons to actively avoid a Chief Cook and Bottlewasher woman. It's always seductive if someone offers to wipe your arse from the word go -- maybe we should be teaching them that the kind of woman who buys all their family cards from them is the same woman who will nag and bully them later on in the marriage.

I can see the point you're trying to make but you're not making it. It doesn't prove that men aren't as close to their parents. Closeness manifests in many ways

Well DS1 will never marry, he's made that clear, and we bond over shared interests. We're good friends.

You sound almost joyful about that.He doesnt need to be married to have a ltr.And of course theres every chance he will change his mind.

I agree with OnlineShopping re teaching them that keeping in touch is important etc although it's been my experience that females tend to do this more naturally. But you could also look forward to having new relationships with their GFs(or BFs) and wives etc and nurturing that. I had a wonderful MIL who at times, supported me more than my own mother and I know she looked on me as the daughter she never had. Don't stress about it. Enjoy your time with your boys.

Actually thats another good point. I don't know any men who meet up for coffee it's always for a few pints.

What rubbish, me and my son are incredibly close but not in a creepy over dependent son way.
He lives with his partner and I live on my own and we are always chatting on the phone or visiting.
I don't interfere in his relationship at all though or get involved in disputes between him and his partner but we each know if one needed the others support we'd be there 100%.

I agree with OnlineShopping re teaching them that keeping in touch is important etc although it's been my experience that females tend to do this more naturally

Yes this is a fair point. The thing is, men and women are generally different creatures.

My DH never has long conversations with friends on the phone. Talking doesn't seem to keep men entertained in the same way it does for women at least not the ones I know. Who is usually talking at the school gates men or women? Mother and baby groups or men and baby groups which ones are more popular?

Men bottle things up, are nowhere near as emotive and expressive hence they do not need to spend as much time talking with parents/friends etc

I appreciate I am generalising and there are going to be people that fall out of the above categories of course, just that this is the evidence I have seen from friendship groups, families and work colleagues. That's enough evidence for me.

I think you can have competitive DILs of course, but it’s the MIL who often feels displaced and reacts by setting it up as a competition. It doesn’t have to be a her-or-me situation but as a mother of sons I think it’s probably wise to create the space for your son’s wife (or girlfriend, or husband) before they appear.

Sorry, that last post implied I was a mother of sons - I’m not!

I have adult sons and daughters, I love them all but I am especially close to my second son. We just seem to click and enjoy each other's company a great deal. He doesn't live at home and I see him once maybe twice a week but the closeness remains.

I got married last year (been together for 12 years), and I think my MIL is paranoid about this.

However, her expectations are a bit crackers. She has managed things over the years so that FILs family are entirely excluded from things, and my DH has noticed. He didn't want to live closer to her, and he wants us (as far as is practical given my parents are 150m away) to have an equal relationship on both sides.

She invited us to spend our first anniversary with them - to a resounding chorus of WTF from everyone I've mentioned it too (including DH).

I appreciate the sentiment, and appreciate feeling like one of the family, but if she backed off a little it would be so much easier to get along, as we wouldn't be on the defensive.

I don't think men can win. If they stay close to their mums they're "mummy's boys" and their wives don't like it. And if they don't, their mums don't like it. There must be a happy medium but...

I had a boyfriend who was definitely a mummy's boy, though I don't know if he really wanted to be or it was a feeling of obligation because his father died young.

I wonder if part of it is an expectation from the mother / parents. Dh is one of two boys and they still are in their mother’s life, not regularly but that is geographic mostly, but anyway they really care, call her and Dh will take the dc over to visit (I am welcome but sometimes use it as a break and free time).

So she has no girls. If girls were in the family there might be the idea that they would be closer but it doesn’t have to be the case. So what I’m saying is part of it is the parents expecting it to be the case.

I don't think men can win. If they stay close to their mums they're "mummy's boys" and their wives don't like it. And if they don't, their mums don't like it. There must be a happy medium but...

See, I think my DH (though he has his faults), is a cracker in this regard.

• arranges all family birthday presents on his side independent of me
• arranges get togethers, but checks with me if it's good for me
• messages and chats with them reasonably frequently
• has my back if there is something awkward (nothing major)
• happily socialises with my family too
• I also have a direct chatty friendship with his mum

I think this is a happy medium. MIL would probably ideally want us to live next door, to drop in every day, and to continue to revolve our socialise purely with her family and friends.

I hope she is happy enough with our arrangements - I wouldn't want her to be unhappy. Unlike FIL, I wouldn't stand for excluding my family, and neither would DH.

I adore my adult sons. We joke text all the time. They ask their dad about practical advice (how to get spots out of things) and me about emotional advice (mean boss!).

Men bottle things up, are nowhere near as emotive and expressive hence they do not need to spend as much time talking with parents/friends etc

Why do you think men are bottling things up? Maybe they just manage to deal with things without chatting shit with anyone that will listen for hours on end.