To think you can be as close to your adult sons as you are to your adult daughters?

[fairybeagle]

I know this has probably been done before but I'm just so annoyed and fed up of hearing it!
Looking for input from any mums of adult sons.
MIL is the latest in a long line of people to make comments about adult sons 'leaving you for a wife' and how you'll never be as close blah blah blah.
I am currently pregnant with DS2 and we are not having anymore so I will be a mum of two boys.
Surely this is utter rubbish, or am I being naive?
Am I going to miss out on some magical relationship and my sons will stop calling as soon as they're married?
I just find it such an unpleasant rhetoric!

“ The whole “until he gets a wife” thing makes me really sad. It makes women sound really controlling and men sound like they let their wife control them. Very anti MIL territory too.”

My mother was always all about this and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nothing was ever good enough, no amount of attention. And any minor slip from her expectation would result in absolute seethe. In the end I just had enough.

My Aunty has 3 boys.
One calls her every day.
The others keep in regular contact & they all visit.
All of them have their own families.
It depends how you bring them up I guess.
My MIL annoys the crap out of my DH most of the time. Hence she gets less calls than my own mum 🤷‍♀️

Men can remember stuff! DBro pops round to my mums house a few times a week (to have dinner and play with DS for a bit usually) and remembers lots of little details like to ask if someone's cold is better or if the car passed its MOT or whatever. He also gives really nice Christmas presents (lots more disposable income than me).

thepeopleversuswork you are absolutely right.
Previous posters seem to have made some assumptions. Even if it were a determining factor in whether a man cares for his mother as an adult, not all men grow up to have their own families with a wife who is the ‘main carer’. We’ve got a long way to go yet if we keep these ideas alive.

Why can’t it be understood that men are different from women and often aren’t interested in remembering dates, faffing about with cards and keeping in constant touch to analyse every piece of minutiae?

Men are crap BUT personality comes into it. DM never hears from my male sibling, sporadically from my female sibling but often from me. Not every female is great at keeping in touch.

DH is often in contact with PIL his DB is a useless pile of shit. DH often spoke to his elderly aunt, great aunts, distant cousins etc and his brother had no clue who half these people were.

My DSis has a useless DS (left home) doesn’t mean her DD (early teens) will be any better.
I myself know DS won’t think about me once he’s left home until the police turnup on his doorstep

I have two Dd's and a DS, DS is the middle child. Can honestly say that I have the same level of closeness with all of them..

DS is at the awkward teenager/adult phase at the moment but invites me to spend time with him.

I've got 2 adult sons (22 &24). I'm incredibly close to them both. Neither of them live at home anymore but we either text or speak every day. If they've got any news, like DS1 was promoted at work a couple of weeks ago, I'm the first to be told. We've always been close, much much closer than I've ever been to my mum.

My paternal grandmother had 2 sons, who she was incredibly close to. Both my uncle and my dad used to phone her everyday and visit her each week.

What I don’t understand is why as parents, our wishes and expectations must be matched and if they are not then the adult child is somehow defective or at fault.

When my kids grow up I want them to live their lives their way. I want them to be free. It will be nice if they choose to have a lot of contact with me but I don’t need it, and I won’t think badly of them if they don’t. They will be young people, experiencing the trials of life.

I have no interest in forced or enmeshed relationships with my children, with me or my wife sulking whenever they don’t send some piece of cardboard on tone. If they care a lot, great. If it’s not as much as I’d like, I’m a grown man, I can deal with it.

My children will owe me nothing and I will never be a pain in their ass.

I would describe myself as very close to both my parents (lots of hugs and openly tell each other how much we love one another - always have), but I wouldn’t dream of texting or calling everyday. Generational thing? I’m 46. My two sons and I are close but tbh they’re more likely to send me a filthy meme to amuse me than call for a chat...they’re still v cheerful to come to tell me stuff that’s really important and personal - asking my opinion, not my advice. We don’t live in each other’s pockets but are still close.

I have 4 boys , the oldest lives about 10 miles away, has his own family but I see them at least once a week

Dh is closer to MiL than either of his sisters. He's definitely closer to his mum than I am to mine.

I often wonder if mums with both girls and boys make more of an effort with their dd’s because they feel they are theirs for life and boys until they get a wife and therefore it becomes self for-filling.

I also think dd are taught from a young age that they are expected to do the mum/ dd thing and be more involved with their mums than boys. We are taught from an early age the women are the carers.

My son is 22 and our relationship has been the same since he starting having partners. We talk and love each other.
My daughter does not have that same relationship with me!
We love each other and are close, it's just different. I don't think you can generalise.
Just do as good a job as possible bringing them up and you'll be fine!

It's absolute bollix OP - please don't listen to this stereotypical crap.

My son is 26 and has just bought his first home with his GF - he's already made plans for coming round for his tea one night per week and making sure I'm involved in everything Luckily his GF and her family have went overboard in including me in everything and he would never let it happen.

When showing me around his new home, he put his arm around me and gave a squeeze as he knows I'm going to find it hard without him at home, I am truly happy for him though and in no doubt that we'll be so close as always.

And for any posters who think that's 'soft' as no doubt some will - he's a prison officer who is anything but.

PIL would say this is true but from my perspective they've actively made it that way by treating their daughter differently to their sons.
They have done a complete u turn on their previous very strongly voiced opinions to accommodate SIL's wants and needs.

My dh is very close to his mum. She’s not that old, but when she had an operation he visited the hospital every day, whilst one of his sisters wasn’t there much. They’re in touch all the time. She’s pretty good, as manages this without being overbearing or interfering.

Honestly, that’s such shit. I do all I can to avoid spending time with my mother. On the other hand, my dh speaks to his mum on a regular basis and truly loves to spend time with her.

As a parent you get out what you put in.

It think it changes when men get into a relationship.
Obviously NAM some are very considerate.
I think it is different in only boy families they make an effort more than those with sisters. IME.

My dh rings his mother everyday but they aren’t close, it’s a habit.
My two Ds who live out are 24 & 21,we chat occasionally and use a family WhatsApp for trivial news, we meet often for dinner.
Dh meets up to watch the big matches in soccer.
I feel we have a nice relationship and they are happy to catch up & it feels natural.
I’m very close to my brothers & sisters but don’t talk often.
It’s the quality not quantity that counts.

I definitely believe it and hope that I will be with my boys.

DH speaks to his mum almost every day. I can't remember when I last spoke to mine. Ignore your MIL.

Why can’t it be understood that men are different from women and often aren’t interested in remembering dates, faffing about with cards and keeping in constant touch to analyse every piece of minutiae?

I don’t see why men have to alter their nature at all times to cater and pander in this way.

What a load of sexist bollocks. I am not a fan of NAMALT, but in this case, yeah, NAMALT. If we carry on saying oh its not in men's nature to care, the burden carries on landing on women. I don't have some innate desire to sort out birthday cards for my in-laws just because I am female. It's not in my nature.

At the moment DD is a preteen she hates me most days, whereas DS gives me kisses and hugs all day.
I often wonder if mums with both girls and boys make more of an effort with their dd’s because they feel they are theirs for life and boys until they get a wife and therefore it becomes self
I don't think so, I think men generally move on easier as long as their needs at met, while they love their mother they'll go with their wifes plans.
I remind DP often to phone his DM.
My DM adores my bro he is the eldest her blue eye, he loves her too but a monthly visit is his limit.

I think it depends on the relationship. When me and now DH got together she really struggled. She didn't like that I knew things before her and that he began to prioritise me. Luckily she dealt with that and we are all close now. She was very clingy with another of her sons years ago and blamed his wife for him not calling enough and now she barely sees him or their children.

There is no reason why sons can't remain close to their mothers and it isn't guaranteed daughters will. I am nothing like my mother and we don't have a lot in common. It is about giving them space to grow into their own person, building a good relationship and being welcoming to their partners, whether they be Male or female.

There are so many exceptions to every rule but I have one of each and sadly, mine follow the stereotype to the word. Ds 19 at uni and has a girlfriend. Never hear from him but am already making a big effort with the girlfriend..

On these threads there are always heaps of posters insisting they hate their mum, while their DH/DB has a great relationship with their mum. But that's not what I've seen irl. I think it comes down to the fact that as pp said, men and women are different, the things they enjoy are different.

This is made obvious by the fact that it is always mums worried about their sons not keeping in touch. I never read a father worried about the same. Because in general, men aren't that bothered.

It also makes sense that as two women, a mother and daughter are more likely to have more in common in a friendship sense. I know all my close friends are women. I have male friends but I don't have as much in common with them, and we just don't seem to "get" each other quite the same way, so they are friends but not bffs.