To think you can be as close to your adult sons as you are to your adult daughters?

[fairybeagle]

I know this has probably been done before but I'm just so annoyed and fed up of hearing it!
Looking for input from any mums of adult sons.
MIL is the latest in a long line of people to make comments about adult sons 'leaving you for a wife' and how you'll never be as close blah blah blah.
I am currently pregnant with DS2 and we are not having anymore so I will be a mum of two boys.
Surely this is utter rubbish, or am I being naive?
Am I going to miss out on some magical relationship and my sons will stop calling as soon as they're married?
I just find it such an unpleasant rhetoric!

Mil is closer to her daughters than her sons but I'd say my dm is closer to db than me tbh.Ds is an only,I really hope he stays close to me when he an adult.

The majority of posters on her talking about how close they are to their adult sons who call them daily etc are taking about early 20s or thereabouts and usually from the sounds of it unmarried.

Sorry to say it’s often the female partner that disrupts the relationship as they don’t like another woman being central or important. It’s jealousy.

See it ALL the time on Mumsnet- how interfering MIL is and how dare she want
to see the newborn baby even tho their own mum will be invited straight away.
How annoying MIL is for coming over or sending gifts- can rarely do right as far as I can tell.

I just don’t think men have the same issues about women being close to their mums (or likely dads for that matter).

StreetwiseHercules but if you believe that buying cards for birthdays is important I'm struggling to understand why this is something women should naturally be more interested in/invested in? Where's your evidence for this?

It's because historically its been seen as "women's work" and most men have therefore internalised the idea that its not important enough for them to bother with.

There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago with a discussion about whether senior female managers should be engaging with wifework at work (ie keeping tabs of colleagues birthdays and buying cards etc). There were different views on this but the consensus was that senior men tend not to want to bother with this because its dull, time-consuming and distracts from the main body of what they are doing at work, ie the stuff that actually drives the business forward. Historically this has been delegated to women just because they are women and a lot of women in senior roles - many of whom have worked their way up from admin roles - are still doing it just because the men can't be arsed and know they can get away with not being arsed. If I could get away with not buying a card for my dad's birthday and outsourcing it to a junior, I wouldn't. Nothing is more tedious to me than this sort of low level admin.

It's exactly the same dynamic in the home: women are expected to do this sort of thing because its "their domain" but there's no reason on earth why they are more interested in it. They just know it won't get done if they don't do it.

Two DS all grown up and flown the nest. Ds1 lives local and see him and his family a few times a week. He will also call for chat. DS 2 lives two hours away and we talk weekly and visit each other every couple of months. Still have great relationship with both and they both have lovely partners who I get on well with.

“ but if you believe that buying cards for birthdays is important I'm struggling to understand why this is something women should naturally be more interested in/invested in?”

I don’t believe it is important, beyond for your partner and children. Why so many women seem to be so exercised by it is a mystery to me. It is, almost without fail, they who make a fuss about this stuff. If women don’t want to do it, don’t. But don’t hold it against me simply because I’m not into it.

My children are still young but I just think you need to maintain a relationship with your sons. I agree problems can arise when they get into relationships but that depends on the attitudes and approaches of both the mother and the partner. I got on well with my mil until I got pregnant and then she started scoffing at all of our parenting choices. My Mum disagreed with a lot but knows to keep quiet. My relationship has not recovered with my mil, my husband is also more distant with her. Not through anything I’ve done or said but because he finds it too stressful having them around our children and having to defend our decisions and also monitor the racist and homophobic shit that comes out of their mouths.

My Mum isn’t that close to dB anymore and that does tie in with the arrival of his now wife. None of us get on with her. We have tried.

My friends are all very mixed, some have far better relationships with their mil than their own mum and their husbands are very close to them. It depends on your approach and personality I think.

I really hope I stay close to mine and will work to maintain common interests as they grow up to support that.

I have 5 sons.2 are adults.How would you define close.
Do they have to check in or ring every week.

You can be close without living in each others pockets.They are adults and they ring or text me when they have time.Which is fine.

I certainly wouldnt expect them to ring every night.They have their own lives.And thinking back to their age i wouldnt have rang my dm every night either.

I can side step the mother daughter thing for now as my little girl is little! And I am very grateful that I will not have the DIL potential problems too.I have a son in law as my son is gay.I treated him with the respect a partner is due and happily he has slotted in to our family too.He is amazing and they have been together 5 years and I am lucky that I have another friend! He often rings and texts and drops in on his own without my son.He says coming to my house feels like going home to him I love that he feels like that about me and my home.and I feel blessed he has a place to come to ,to relax.It makes me giggle often when my son rings and says I have lost XXXX I have no clue where he is think he must still be in his meetings.I have often replied Nope he isn;t he is sat at the table eating egg n chips...Shall I expect you or shall I send yours home?! I don;t mean to sound gloaty or to show off but it is wonderful my relationship with both of them...I feel blessed and incredibly grateful.It could have been very different but I am glad its not.

And I dread the wedding and the first baby, I'll always be the MIL and I expect to come second.

Again, this ranking. I'll be happy to share in my son's life events and get involved if asked. If not asked, I'll be relieved. It won't be a reflection on the bond with my son if I'm not asked or if I'm relieved not to be hands-on. Parenthood doesn't validate me.

All these people who say they are 'very, very' close to adult children, phone every day etc I'd be interested in hearing the other side. Do these children find this level of contact suffocating but feel obliged to do it?

I have a DS (7) and DD (2) and it really grates on me when people spout out that old fashioned and out dated nonsense about DS.
In fact, DH has become far closer to his parents since we got married. Of course, it helps that his parents are lovely, welcoming people (might be completely different if they weren't particularly pleasant).
I think it probably depends on the type of relationship that you have with your children as they're growing up. All that said, I can't say it doesn't occasionally worry me that DS might meet someone who alters our relationship dynamic significantly!

I'm struggling to see why being able to give birth means someone will be closer to their mum than someone who can't give birth *

Do you apply this theory to women who can't or choose not to?*

No but the majority of women on the world decide to have children and I agree with this poster that usually the woman's mother is more involved. Who's at the birth? Obviously the woman's mother.

Who is usually going to help the woman post birth? Usually the woman's mother so I do think there is a element of exclusion for parents with sons which is just life.

I think you'd be naive to not be able to see this?

@ssd Not necessarily. MIL was there when I gave birth to her first granddaughter. MIL lives over 100 miles away now, my DM is around the corner.
My DC are far more excited to see MIL to talk to MIL, she really comes down to their level is very verbal on how much she loves them, they love it.

I don't think it's sexist to notice the fact that daughters, on the whole, have closer relationships with their mothers once grown up. I know this isn't true in each and every case, but on the whole, unfortunately, it is. In most cases, if the daughter has her own children, it will be her on maternity leave, choosing to spend time with her mother, (over mil) who will in turn form a closer bond with the grandchildren, and will be first port of call to help out as the children grow, and become an integral part of the family unit.
I know this isn't true in every case, but I'm just going on the 50+ sets of parents I know since having children, and on the whole, the maternal grandparents are included more, and closer to the family than the paternal grandparents are. There are obviously exceptions to this, some have moved far away etc, so naturally aren't as close. I'm one of 4, 2 girls, 2 boys, and me and my sister are far closer to my parents than my brother's. I speak with my mum daily, whereas my brother's will go months without speaking to my mum and not acknowledging her messages, for no reason other than the fact they're wrapped up in their own little worlds and just forget to make contact. My dh needs prompting from me everytime to call his parents, and most of my friends say the same about their husbands. I don't think it's sexist to notice this trend, it's just a fact of life. I feel immensely close to my mother since giving birth and becoming a mum myself, maybe because I now know how bloody hard it is, and have a huge new found respect for her. Something a man won't experience. I know becoming a father is hard work too, but (again generalising) on the whole, life changes far more for the new mother than the new father. I dunno, call me sexist, but this is just how it is in my experience. Not to say these trends won't change, but currently, this is how it is.

It depends on your relationship with them

My ex hardly bothers with his mum as far as I can tell. ( kids rarely go with to nanny’s)

But another friend lives in the US and is very close to his mother calling frequently and seeing her as often as he can

Hey1256

I can see how a mother is typically more involved with the birth of a grandchild than a father. I still don't see how that equates to an automatic situation where girls are closer to their mothers than sons are? The birth of a baby is an important bonding exercise no doubt but its by no means the defining factor whether or not you bond with your parents. There are all kinds of situations where a mother could give equal levels of support to a son: injury, illness, mental breakdown etc. Yes its perhaps not as "intimate" but its bonding nonetheless.

My mother had minimal involvement with the birth of my daughter because she had advanced dementia by that point but I also don't think its an unalloyed positive having a mother so involved post the birth of a baby.

Like most other claims on this thread about the "natural" mother and daughter bond I think this doesn't really stand up.

@Untamedtoad I totally agree. It's the same with me and my DH. I always meet my mom for days out and coffee. He NEVER meets up with either of his parents unless I'm there

I then look at my friendship circles and my DHs and the same pattern emerges.

Come on people, it is starting to irritate me people are in denial about this,?!?

Obviously it's not the same in every case but the majority.

I'm pretty confident that my mother would deny it roundly, but she's definitely closer to my brother than to me. And that's partly because he's married with children, while I am not. She understands his life much better and is a much bigger part of it.

@Hey1256 you are spot on. MN is full of threads from women complaining about having to buy presents/remember dates for DHs side of the family. Then there are all the responses of don't do it for him if he is bothered he will do it himself. And in most cases he doesn't do it therefore the relationship with his parents tends to tail off.

@Hey1256 exactly. It may not be "right" or how things should be, but the reality is that. It isn't sexist to state a fact of life. I do know a few men who are close to their mothers (as in see them maybe once a week), but they are few and far between, and still not the kind of relationship where they chat everyday, I don't think many men want that level of contact with their mother, whereas more women are happy to have a closer relationship with their parents. I speak to my mum daily, and she sees us 3-4 times a week, babysitting, days out, round for dinner. His mum is completely lovely, no MIL complaints here, and we see her as and when we can, but it's more organised family meals/events, not the casual relationship with my mum which leads to her popping in for a coffee, or fetching the kids from school. Which I do think has stemmed from her being very involved since the kids were born. Same for all the other families I know. Even before I had kids though, I'd often have days out shopping with my mum, theatre, meals out just the two of us, whereas DH has never had that sort of relationship with his mother, and I can't think of any bloke that would. Mil is far closer to dh's sister, and her children for the same reasons. I accept there are exceptions to this, but on the whole, no one can deny that women are closer to their mothers than men. Fact.

I have 3 grown up DS’s, the eldest is 32 and I’m incredibly close to all 3 of my boys. We have lunches, cinema trips regularly and message each other nearly every day. I have nothing to compare this to as have no daughters.

@sweeneytoddsrazor ;

MN is full of threads from women complaining about having to buy presents/remember dates for DHs side of the family. Then there are all the responses of don't do it for him if he is bothered he will do it himself.*

Funny you mention this. I bought my MIL a card on behalf of my DH (because he would never bother otherwise). I made him write it up etc and said the one thing you can do is at least give it her. Two months later I found the card unsealed and not given to his mother I was livid. He has no idea when any of my families birthdays are.

Hey1256

FFS. Stop enabling them. Their relatinship, their problem.

@thepeopleversuswork I've majorly dropped back now but I did it as it was my mothers the week after and figured I may aswell pick up two cards.

I also like his MIL a lot and know it would upset her if he didn't bother so more for this reason than anything else.

But I am proving the point that generally men are just not as bothered with their parents/mothers as much as women are.

*It's the same with me and my DH. I always meet my mom for days out and coffee. He NEVER meets up with either of his parents unless I'm there

I then look at my friendship circles and my DHs and the same pattern emerges.

Come on people, it is starting to irritate me people are in denial about this,?!?*

You're presuming the DHs and their parents are unhappy with this