To think you can be as close to your adult sons as you are to your adult daughters?

[fairybeagle]

I know this has probably been done before but I'm just so annoyed and fed up of hearing it!
Looking for input from any mums of adult sons.
MIL is the latest in a long line of people to make comments about adult sons 'leaving you for a wife' and how you'll never be as close blah blah blah.
I am currently pregnant with DS2 and we are not having anymore so I will be a mum of two boys.
Surely this is utter rubbish, or am I being naive?
Am I going to miss out on some magical relationship and my sons will stop calling as soon as they're married?
I just find it such an unpleasant rhetoric!

I am a mum to 4 boys. My eldest is 24 and lives away from home now but we are close. He texts everyday and we speak on the phone once or twice a week and he gets home as often as he can.

DS2 is 19, still at home but with plans to go to Uni next year. I can't imagine he'll disappear off the face of the earth either.

I don't have daughters to make a comparison and bury my fears of being excluded and ignored very deeply!!

I have 2 sons . No daughters. My mum always says to me she feels sorry for me not having a daughter. Mainly because my 2 brothers are rubbish at keeping in touch.
My boys are 19 and 16 and we are close.
Eldest spent 3 months travelling earlier this year and we what’s apped every day. I am hopeful that we will still be close when they have a partner

My mother is much closer to my brother than she is to me. She's actually never bothered to form any sort of adult relationship with me, whereas she's pretty friendly with DB.
So I suspect, as with all relationships, it's entirely down to the individuals concerned.

This is sexist bollocks which suggests your MIL has nurtured her sons to be over-dependent on women running around wiping their arses and therefore would transfer dependency on mum to dependency on a wife after marriage.

If this is true its a reflection on the kind of bullshit culture she's instilled in her sons.

I don't have sons but if you've created a loving relationship with your kids why on earth should their gender have any bearing on this unless you've trained them to think of women as caregivers and facilitators.

I am very close to my son and very fortunate to have a wonderful DIL who is like another daughter to me. We live within a couple of miles of each other and I see them several times a week - often to provide childcare but also just socially at their invitation.

Honestly I think parents reap what they sow. If you nurture the relationship with your sons as they grow up then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be close. I have a 29 year old and a 24 year old. They both have their own homes and busy lives but we are all still close. I’m looking forward to them coming home for Christmas. The 29 year old has just come out of quite a dysfunctional relationship, and it was tricky for me when he was with her because I could see how controlling she was but I had to keep my mouth shut and wait for the penny to drop with him. But that’s how it is with adult children boys or girls.

My brother and I remained close to our DM our entire lives. His adult relationship with her was different from mine, but equally as close. And we both pulled together and equally supported both her and each other during her final illness (she died quite young).

DS is small, but I hope he'll grow up to be like his uncle who always loved, liked, and was a friend to our mum. That's all any parent can reasonably ask for. There's no way would I ever want to be a burden, make unreasonable demands, or be seen as an annoying 'duty' which has to be fulfilled and a sigh of relief given when it's over!

I think it’s up to you to bring your sons up without the sexist culture that says it’s fine for men to not bother to remember important dates and keeping in touch etc.

Also, check out all the many posts about daughters who are no contact with their parents.

XH is very close to his mother (she has 3 sons, no daughters) and I have a fairly close, friendly relationship I would say. We app regularly with news/pics of the DCs.

I talk to her much more often than I do my own mother, FWIW.

As another mother of two sons, I am very much hoping we will make our own beds as regards the future relationship with our children. So will do everything I can now as they grow up to cement ties and for them to feel it is positive to stay in close touch with their parents when they’re older. Nothing is a given where daughters/sons are concerned. I am equally as close to my mother as my brother is, but perhaps it is a surprise to DM that Dbro still lives in the town we grew up in, and DM will have regular close access to his kids once born - he has one on the way - whilst I am 700 miles away and see her far less. Dsil is as many miles away from her parents, and her brothers still live at home! So it can fall either way I feel.

Sympathies because we mothers of sons get a lot of this crap still thrown at us. But the only thing to do is ignore it and prove em wrong.

The point I was attempting to make is that MIL has extended her close relationship with her sons into close relationships with her DILs and grandchildren. I think XH talks to her on the phone at least once a week. In contrast I rarely if ever phone my own DM!

I’m a mum of three boys and one daughter.
I really hope I’m close to all of them when they are adults.

The whole “until he gets a wife” thing makes me really sad. It makes women sound really controlling and men sound like they let their wife control them. Very anti MIL territory too.

My sister has 5 boys, they are all close to their mum. Only 1 is still at home but the other 4 are always around.

I would probably say they are closer than dd and I were as we sometimes clashed.

@thepeopleversuswork has got it in one.

The well balanced, well raised men I know who and fully self sufficient are the ones who have better relationships with their mothers. My best male friend adores his Mum, sees when he can and talks to her loads either by phone or text. Just like he does all of his friends. He is 39 and she is 73. They are good friends. He is her youngest of 4 boys. All 4 are exactly the same because she is/was a good Mum.

The overgrown babies/man children are the ones who suddenly drop off the earth as their wives suddenly fill the mother role.

My mum and I are very close but she is equally as close with my brother

I am very close to both DS 26 and DD 28
That has not changed regardless of any of our relationship statuses
I have an equally loving but different relationship with each of them
Different based on personalities and who they are not gender

It’s not sexist bollox unfortunately because a son will not give birth. Some men will stay unusually close to their mums but when they have their own families their wife will most likely be the main carer for the family (there of course are rare exceptions) and it’s her mother daughter relationship that will be prioritised (usually). Unless she has a shit mum and is closer to her MIL than her mum.

So sexist yes but bollox, unfortunately not. I don’t know a single man that has a relationship with their mum like I and all my female friends have. But I’m sure there’s some out there. I’ve just never met them.

My DGM has 3 sons, all married with DC. 2 living in different countries from her. They are all close to her, and the two that live abroad make the effort to visit at least once per year but talk regularly on the phone and send lots of photos of the grandchildren/great grandchildren. The local one, she sees someone from the family weekly, my cousin pops round every Saturday afternoon she can and my auntie (her DIL) takes her to all her doctors appointments. She's got a lovely wall full of 3 generations of wedding, graduations, and new baby photos. I aspire to a similar wall when I'm her age.
I'm currently pg with DS2 and I try not to worry too much, if i'm generally a nice person/good mum, why wouldn't my sons want to keep in touch regularly.

MIL has 2 boys, BIL still lives at home (He's 25 and saving for a deposit) and DH and DS visit her around once a month/every 2 months...she lives about 1.5h away (I usually would visit most times too but I'm having a tough pregnancy and am not up to the journey atm)

Exactly what @thepeopleversuswork said. Those assumptions about women ‘naturally’ being caring come up again and again on threads about relationships between adult children and their parents, and someone always chirps about how they worked in a hospital and only ever saw daughters attending clinics with their parents, as though this was a sign of the special daughterly relationship and natural nurturing ness of women, rather than the gendered double standards that socialise women into unpaid caring roles.

It’s not sexist bollox unfortunately because a son will not give birth. Some men will stay unusually close to their mums but when they have their own families their wife will most likely be the main carer for the family (there of course are rare exceptions) and it’s her mother daughter relationship that will be prioritised (usually). Unless she has a shit mum and is closer to her MIL than her mum.

I'm struggling to see why being able to give birth means someone will be closer to their mum than someone who can't give birth

Do you apply this theory to women who can't or choose not to?

DH is closer to his mum than I am to mine. I have a son and daughter who are both still pre-school now but I have no pre-set ideas of my relationship with DD being closer than with DS as adults.

I call my mum twice a week minimum and whenever something happens in my life. Dh didn't even tell his mum he was having an operation! It's so frustrating and I hope mil doesn't think I stop him. She drives me bonkers but sometimes I get it. Two sons constantly not updating her and making her feel unwanted.

“ the sexist culture that says it’s fine for men to not bother to remember important dates and keeping in touch etc.”

Why can’t it be understood that men are different from women and often aren’t interested in remembering dates, faffing about with cards and keeping in constant touch to analyse every piece of minutiae?

I don’t see why men have to alter their nature at all times to cater and pander in this way.

People are different. Men and women are very often quite different. Why can’t this be accepted and people accepted for who they are?

My DH is currently away with his mum now. He took her away for a few days as a treat. They're always texting, calling each other and are very close. Of course you can be as close to your sons as your daughters! I have plenty of female friends who aren't close to they mums.

@Happyspud, your theory seems to rest on adult daughters being SAHMs. Maybe widen your sample size to include families where spouses both have equally-prioritised careers, and try again.