To cancel my wedding and elope

[Worrywart21]

In May next year. I don’t want it. We’d lose about £5000. Would it be unreasonable to just go somewhere and get married?

OP, my dad was emotionally abusive and angry. I went very low contact as soon as I left home (once a year). If he hadn't died there is no way I would have invited him to my (hypothetical) wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle.

Do what you want, stop trying to please other people. It might be tough at first but you'll feel so much better once you ditch people who make you feel like shit. Your fiancé also needs to understand this.

Go & get married now...then cancel it..you don't need a wedding if your already married

If your fiance is in agreement go and elope.

Getting married is your commitment to each other and no one elses business.

Now, let go of the stress about other people. You can only control how you feel. If others choose to react in a bad way, that is their choice - it is in their power to react positively.

Just do it. Don't tell anyone. Hi down the local registry office, if you want. It's your day. There was a fab mumsnet wedding where two Mumsnetters came to be witnesses!

Please elope and don’t worry about what others think.

We cancelled ours. Lost a few thousand. Didn't elope but did something much smaller.

Best decision ever. You must do what you want.

Another vote for eloping here. We did it, also had 2 small children. Was a difficult decision and responses varied from being annoyed, upset, shocked, go for it and hurt but we gave honest reasons - we couldn't justify spending all that money on one day when we have a young family. What's important to us was the being married not the big wedding.

Despite planning it for nearly a year we only told parents and siblings one week before we went so they didnt have the opportunity to talk us out of it / book on. It was a blanket ban on any any guests. No regrets, saved 20k, had a fabulous week away with DH, no stress, happily married and everyone came round in the end

Ps. Many many people i k kw have said they wished they did or could do what we did but feel peer / family pressured into doing the wedding thats expected

The deposit for your ‘basic’ wedding is more than I spent on my entire wedding . How have you managed to be the engineer for 99% of a wedding you do not want? this is worrying IMO.

Anyway. I couldn’t bear a huge display like this. So I say elope. Sounds like your fiancé might not agree however.

@Worrywart21. I am so sorry for what you are going through. On reading through it now sounds like the issue is not the wedding but your problems with your overbearing father and the fact that a big flash wedding gives him an official role that from what you've said he is not equipped to play and feels really fake. Also this pushes you into condoning his behaviour by playing a role which also feels very fake to you and in public. And his put down comments about your appearance and it seems to me insistance on a big event which he intends to preside over and play a central role in. Also his overbearing insistance on inviting your SM siblings and paying for them so that you can't refuse.
As to your siblings agreeing with him about having a big wedding.. I wouldn't set too much store by that.. they are probably just trying to boost you and don't understand the extent of your anxiety about it.
Your partner being away so much is unavoidable due to his work but he has said talk about it when he gets home.. so give him a breather and pick a quiet time and then write down what is really bothering you and say it to him.
You are a grown up woman, with a long term partner, thinking of marriage but more importantly you have two young children. NO ONE has the right to dictate to you how you live your life or spend your money NO ONE. You partner sounds like he comes from a less complicated family and doesn't understand what is really going on but is trying to make you happy - so please explain it to him as clearly as you possibly can.
But first you need to get it into your head that you are people pleasing to an extent that is not only unhealthy but is pushing you into a £24k worth of expenditure that you yourself don't want. It is not your fault. You have been conditioned by your family to think this way, as if your wants don't matter, as if their wishes override everythng else. Your dad sounds absolutely toxic. If you continue to "obey" him, ask yourself where will it stop.
You absolutely need to some help and support from a real life qualified person to help you sort through this and assert yourself. I'm guessing that its already implied that there are "penalties" for not complying with your Dad/families wishes... ok ... what's the worst that can happen. The entire family stops speaking to you because youput your children and partner first and don't spend £24k on a big bean feast only they want? That is not love that is blackmail.
Personally I think you have been conditioned to fearing the outcome of saying no to them, but in practice it may not be as bad as you think. Are any of your siblings understanding. Could you talk to one individually and be assured of their support?
You mention make up for the mother of the bride... what is her view on all this?
Decide what YOU want to do irrespective of any family obligations. Think about how you might achieve that and stop worrying about anyone in your family being "cross" because you aren't giving them what you wanted. You have to stand up for your children and partner. They are your family now. Not the others. Do what is best for you and your small family unit. In a years time you will look back and be glad that you took a stand. Please talk to someone in RL who can help you. Its not easy to do this but you have the right to live your life as you choose and not be forced into propping up someone elses image.
Best of luck xxx

ps. I forgot I saw your Disneyland idea.. that sounds like a wonderful idea that your partner and children would all enjoy, something that you could look forward to with real pleasure. Wishing you all the best x

Thanks @DuckbilledSplatterPuff that means a lot.

wowzer. £24k for a giant party that you won't even enjoy.

and I would never wish that anyone's wedding would be the best day of their lives. All downhill afterwards?? No thanks.

don't throw good money after bad, chuck out the anchor now. And if your fiance doesn't support you in this, don't get married at all.

best of luck in escaping.

Elope to Florida OP.
Don't look back.
Life is far too short to waste time trying to please the people who have abused you in your life.
Be firm and clear with your DH.
Then arrange it and go.