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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel my wedding and elope

214 replies

Worrywart21 · 29/10/2019 18:20

In May next year. I don’t want it. We’d lose about £5000. Would it be unreasonable to just go somewhere and get married?

OP posts:
SuitedandBooted · 29/10/2019 19:01

Elope. You are supposed to enjoy the day, not dread it.

Don't waste any more money, and have a lovely, meaningful day, just for you both.
DH and I got married with just 2 friends as witnesses. We could afford to spend a lot - just didn't see the point!

SaddleGhost · 29/10/2019 19:05

What does your fiancé say about cancelling?

GreySheep · 29/10/2019 19:10

@Worrywart21 stop it all now and downscale to what you truly want.

We had a small wedding, in a fab city with a late registry office followed by a great meal and drinks with only about 20 people all in. Wouldn’t change a thing. It was ideal and I didn’t feel too much like the centre of attention as I too hate that.

Don’t spend so much money on making yourself miserable. You’ll regret it forever.

charm8ed · 29/10/2019 19:14

Could you keep all or most of the things you’ve paid a deposit on and look for a much cheaper venue?

misspiggy19 · 29/10/2019 19:19

I am all for big weddings (mine wasn't cheap to say the least) but yours qualify as extravagant!

Hardly extravagant is it. Anyway OP what does your fiancée want to do? It is his wedding too.

Darkstar4855 · 29/10/2019 19:21

£24,000 for a day is definitely extravagant. Unfortunately it is the wedding industry and social media sucking you into believing you need all this expensive crap just to get married.

I mean, £2k for a dress you’ll wear once. I don’t understand it.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2019 19:26

Op do it.

Forget the money spent. Half of that is on your dress so make sure you can get it somewhere safely and wear it. Take the kids. Grab a couple of witnesses off the street and have a wedding that you aren't dreading.

RandomMess · 29/10/2019 19:28

Do not spend £24k on a day you don't want!!!!!!

Just elope.

MitziK · 29/10/2019 19:28

Ten grand on a venue?

Just cancel it. You've saved more than I earn in a year just by doing that.

Then get married the way you want.

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 29/10/2019 19:32

Fiancé is not happy or willing to compromise it seems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrywart21 · 29/10/2019 19:32

He feels it’s too late now.

OP posts:
charm8ed · 29/10/2019 19:35

How about trying something like hypnotherapy or counselling to help with your anxious feelings about the day and being centre of attention?

Finchy19 · 29/10/2019 19:38

We didn't even consider anything but elope. What ever you do will piss someone off and cost money so we went on holiday and got married. Had a party when we got home (which lets face it, is the bit people care about) couldn't be happier woth our choice.

RandomMess · 29/10/2019 19:40

You've not sent out invites how is it too late???

FluffyAlpaca19 · 29/10/2019 19:42

It's not too late to swap to cheaper alternatives though. Cut out the favours, expensive invitation cards, flowers, piper, cheaper make up, cars and you've saved a small fortune.

FlamingoQueen · 29/10/2019 19:47

My sister got married in July at a Registry Office and then had ‘the do’ in my Dad’s back garden. There was a bbq and some other food. About 30 people and it was honestly one of the best weddings I’ve been to. My Dad has a normal back garden ie no marquee or acres of land! My wedding was a bit bigger, but if you are stressing now, you are going to make yourself ill by the time it comes around. No wedding is worth that.

PippiDeLena · 29/10/2019 19:49

OK, if it's too late to cancel then he can do all the arranging then. Tell him you'll turn up on the day but you're not having anything to do with the organising, and then just let him sink or swim (he'll sink). See how much he wants a big wedding when he's doing all the work.

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 29/10/2019 19:53

He just isn’t happy with me as we’ve been back and forth on this point. I’ve said for the last 10 months I don’t want it but we keep just forging ahead with it. I’ve done 99% of the planning. He doesn’t care what we do really. Just feels like it’s a waste of money to cancel now and also disappointing for guests.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrywart21 · 29/10/2019 19:56

This has been planned for 2 years. 1 year ago I started to pull back and regret it. Looked into small venue 20 people max. And my family fell out with me and said it was “so sad” so we just put the cancellation to the back of our minds and continued planning. But I’m unhappy and I don’t want it or care what they think now.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 29/10/2019 19:57

Google sunk cost falacy. You don't want to lost 5 grand, so you're willing to spend 24 grand on something you don't want. Lose the 5 grand, and save yourself 19 grand!

Original poster
Worrywart21 · 29/10/2019 19:58

Fiancé has a big stag do planned for him. Abroad with about 20 people. I have a very very small thing as I genuinely don’t want it.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 20:00

Lose the 5 grand, and save yourself 19 grand!

I’m not fire it’s that simple. Some of those costs relate to things that would still be needed if the op eloped: dress, rings, etc...

There are definitely huge savings that can be made on the original plan.

sunnyblue · 29/10/2019 20:02

gosh, this sounds exhausting. I was going to say go ahead and elope as I assumed your fiancé is on board but just read the update.

and your family. we eloped. just the two of us, random witnesses as all the stress and £££ of a big wedding with years planning ahead would have sucked all joy out of me.

not fair at all the your fiancé doesn't pull his weight and not your families place to dictate what kind of wedding you have.

you sound utterly stressed. I could not this for another year. I'd be tempted to call the whole shebang off Sad

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/10/2019 20:03

Fiancé is not happy or willing to compromise it seems.

Are you?

Can you build something in the middle - the current wedding, but cheaper and smaller?

If neither of you can compromise, it doesn't bode particularly well. It's both of your day. Sit down now and talk it out?

sunnyblue · 29/10/2019 20:03

Some of those costs relate to things that would still be needed if the op eloped: dress, rings, etc...

you don't need a dress when you elope. esp not a £2k gown!