To cancel my wedding and elope

[Worrywart21]

In May next year. I don’t want it. We’d lose about £5000. Would it be unreasonable to just go somewhere and get married?

how is OP going to elope with an unwilling partner???

Op, your stress levels are through the roof and your fiancé's response is to not help you with the planning nor is he willing the elope. Given how stressed you are about it, I would think very, very hard if I would want to tie the know with someone who had so little regard for me. I would call the whole thing off and reconsider all options, including remaining single.

We’ve been together 10 years. We have two young kids. We’ve been through lots of stuff together. We are genuinely great together and I believe I couldn’t meet anyone else better for me.

When we got engaged he wanted the small do I said no I want a big do. I cared too much about what others thought. Fell into the trap that this is the best day of your life. Felt I would get over my fear.

As it’s approached and I became to realise I was living someone else’s life not mine. I’m not a typical person in that I don’t have social media, I hate all that and I live my life the way I want to In general so have no idea why I thought a big wedding was a good idea.

Added onto the fact people have made me feel certain ways about the type of wedding I should have and who should come. Makes me want to cancel it all and run away.

I have minimal contact with my dad. He’s narcissistic and looks down on me. Having him walk me down the aisle and make a speech about me when he doesn’t know me, like me and will probably make the full speech about him or embarrass me. the thought makes me sick.

It's not about the money. It's about you being too weak to put your foot down about what you actually want.

It's your last chance to get a back bone with DP and your family.

You really need to cancel.

You have fallen into putting on "a show". Hopefully you can discuss properly with your DP.

Perhaps you can have a big party on that day but with get married beforehand/elsewhere etc so no being given away, no speeches apart from you and then DH thanking people for coming?

We went abroad for our wedding as we saved loads, all we said to people was if they wanted to come they were more than welcome but obvs they pay for their own holiday. We ended up with 32 friends and family and it cost us £5,500 including dress and grooms wear plus bridesmaids

I'd tell him you have changed your mind and will have a smaller do at the most.

And if he doesn't accept it I'd tell him the whole thing is off (unfortunately that is risky as you didn't get married before children).

Why would you even want your Narc Father there?

Your first kiss is your best kiss. Bin it and elope, or better still £125 at a registry office and a nice holiday

Loss not kiss

@Worrywart21 so basically you are having this wedding for everyone else. You are spending thousands on other people.

Why are you organising it when you don't even want it? If your DP wants it then he needs to do it.

I actually think it's pretty shitty of your DP to be putting pressure on you like this and I'd have to question...is he the right man for you, does he really love you as he isn't putting you first at all.

We are genuinely great together and I believe I couldn’t meet anyone else better for me.

that not how your other posts read!

I actually wonder if your marriage will even survive this. You'll feel such resentment about it and that will build over the coming years.

Why on earth are you having your dad there?? Completely bonkers!!

And who are the sibling bridesmaids?

You could scale that right back by ditiching the favours, all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, the piper. And the dress.

You need to say ‘it’s not about how I look, it’s about the fact that it’s making me fundamentally very unhappy, it’s going to throw away another £15k that could go to the girls, and realistically it’s down to me to plan a huge event that I don’t even want and gives me panic attacks even thinking about!’

I say 15k as you might spend 4k paying off people’s deposits for the stag and paying for your elopement.

*When we got engaged he wanted the small do I said no I want a big do. I cared too much about what others thought. Fell into the trap that this is the best day of your life. Felt I would get over my fear.

As it’s approached and I became to realise I was living someone else’s life not mine. I’m not a typical person in that I don’t have social media, I hate all that and I live my life the way I want to In general so have no idea why I thought a big wedding was a good idea.*

Any chance he's just feeling colossally pissed off that you forced through the wedding you want; he got on board with it, and now you want to change it again and incur a pretty big loss this time?

When you see him, will you be able to talk to him and come to an agreement? Would you settle for the middle ground now; as you pushed for this?

Yes he’s pissed off with me for being so indecisive and so am I so I get where he’s coming from. But ultimately it’s not too late to just forget the full thing as it’s not what either of us wants.

Huge apology to him for not listening to him or yourself.

Just say no OP You've been dragged into the wedding vortex and now you're contemplating spending £24k on something that will make you miserable. That's crazy. You thought the wedding would help you get over your own aversion to being the centre of attention, you've now realised you were wrong. No big deal, just change the plan and move on.

Your message to your fiance was too wishy washy, you don't need to ask if it's ok to cancel the big wedding. He might think you're just getting a small case of cold feet and need to be encouraged, instead of having a huge sense of dread about the entire thing. Tell your fiance "I'm not doing this. I love you and want to be your wife but this is my worst nightmare." Your dad sounds like a selfish cock by the way, so give him back the money he gave for the random guests and then block him for a while.

In the nicest possible way you really need to be more assertive OP. This is your one and only life. Please don't let yourself be railroaded into spending tens of thousands on some rubbish.

Also, you could take the DC to Disneyland (twice!) for the price of the wedding, so approach it with your fiance that you're stealing fun experiences from your children by wasting money on the wedding.

If we had to go abroad to get married just us on our holiday, do we need to get married in the uk too to make it official?

Can we stop with the suggestions of how to scale back this wedding? She doesn’t want it and it’s not about the money.

The way I read this is that along with the anxiety you feel guilty because, probably in that flush of early wedding enthusiasm, you were the one wanting a big wedding in the first place. You talked him into it and now you don’t want it and he’s pissed off probably for the same (understandable) reasons you are - being embarrassed, social pressure, “looking stupid”, letting people down, all that nonsense. For both of you that sense of being on an unstoppable train towards a destination you don’t want is truly awful.

You are allowed to change your mind about things. You are allowed to get it wrong and make a mistake and decide to do something different. That happens to people in different situations all the time. It is human and normal.

If you can really get your head around that I think it will help. You’re getting confused because you’re paying so much attention to what everyone else thinks at the expense of what you want. But what is needed here is a clear assertive statement of your wishes from you to your DP followed by action. Stop asking him to take the lead! “I feel like an idiot and I know this is hard but I made a mistake. I don’t want this wedding any more. It’s making me anxious and unhappy and I’m going to stop planning it. This has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about you and I would really like us to make alternative arrangements to get married. I will take the lead in cancelling things.” And then just do it. Then the decision will be made and you can move on to the next stage, whatever that is. I’m sure people here can advise on what to tell people but the initial action has got to come from you.

Will it be awkward and uncomfortable for a while? Yes. Will you all get over it? Yes. And so will everyone else including your partner.

I cancelled a wedding AND ended a relationship. It was very hard indeed but everyone came through it ok. You will too.

No, you just get paperwork sorted before you go to allow you to marry abroad.
We did it in Kos, Greece. We went through Kosweddings with Emma, she was an amazing planner and did everything we wanted. She just told us what we had to do this side then sorted everything else out for us

He's not listening to you. He clearly loves you and cares for you but somehow is not getting the extent of your anxiety about this.

You have to spell it out to him and actually say 'I CAN'T do this and we need to cancel, now and work out something smaller'

Your family will need to get over it, this is your day, your wedding, your choice. You will be able to deal with any fallout when this weight is off your back.

Once you are sleeping and not going though all this stress, you will be able to deal with things better.

I really feel for you because the 'easiest' thing is to go through with it. For your own sake, sanity, happiness (and pocket!) you need to cancel.

Thanks, you’re all so kind.

And as curious said, no, you do not need to make it official in uk. If you choose somewhere that their official language is not english, you will need to get certificate translated (very easily done) to change your name on your bank account, passport, driving license etc.

OP, you say it’s not what he wants but when has he said this?

The simple solution is to cancel the big do, contact all suppliers you’ve already put deposits down on and explain due to unforeseen circumstances (you don’t have to go into detail) you will need to cancel. They might be more reasonable on the refund or partial refund if you do it sooner rather than later.

Without being rude, you have to grow up a bit and make a decision and stick to it.