To cancel my wedding and elope

[Worrywart21]

In May next year. I don’t want it. We’d lose about £5000. Would it be unreasonable to just go somewhere and get married?

Cancel that big wedding. Lose the £5,000 its cheaper than £24k !!!

Have a stress free wedding ceremony and spend a fraction on that budget on a beautiful family holiday with your new DH and children

Make your own invites
Forget favours
Piper-!? No need at all!
Use family cars
Videographer or photographer- pick ONE!!
Ask a family/friend to help you do the cake yourself, it’s really not that hard and no one actually eats it anyway!!
Flowers I did myself too...keep it simple, have a look at YouTube for help.

No need to spend all that money at all!! I spend 10k in 2012 and that was at an extremely nice venue (I hate hotels, especially those with tacky red, blue or green carpets!!)

My dress was 600.
Ditched the flowers and cake
Small wedding and bigger party
5* 2 week honeymoon in Thailand

£7.5k.

I also hate being the centre of attention and was actually really confused when I arrived at the party and wondered why everyone was looking at me .

That would be the white dress and veil

Cut your losses and elope. Seriously is 2 years ongoing stress worth one day (regardless of whether it's lovely or a disaster)?

Sorry you're feeling like this. It is the first day of your married life together so it should be fun, I think. Where I think you might want to scale back isn't cost, since that doesn't seem to be an issue, but on the other things.

So: your fiancee gets to invite his guests. That's it. You only need to know how many invitations he needs and he can take care of the rest. (he can outsource it to a trusted friend/family member if he's so busy)

Your dad: you actually don't have to involve him if you don't want to. You can walk alone down the aisle. You have children, you could do it continental style and walk down with your husband to be, you could walk down with your best friend, or your mum. Or alone (although I think you wouldn't like that?)

When it comes to your invitations, make your list. People that you can't imagine not being there because they make you happy, that you don't feel they will point and judge. And invite them.

Good luck.

If your fiance wants the stag do, he can have it, but that doesn't mean to say you will have to have the big wedding! I firmly believe that it should be about what you want, not other people's expectations of it for you. Also, part of the fun should be both of you preparing and making decisions about the wedding TOGETHER, not one of you on their own suffering all the stress (and let's be frank, boredom) of arranging every little detail so it will be perfect to someone else's idea of perfect, not your own! By losing the deposit and not having the large do, you will be saving so much more, including, by the sound of it, your own sanity! Is there a place that is special to you both, or that you would like to visit with your children for a holiday? Could you not arrange to get married there, just your own little family? Good luck with sorting this out, I hope you manage to make it into something you enjoy!

We want to go to Disneyland next year in Florida with the kids. We planned to go as a sort of honeymoon but thinking we could just do it over there. The only thing that put me off is thinking I had to get married in a registry office here as well (as I’ve seen people do this when they’ve go married abroad, although they’ve got married in a church so maybe that’s why). If we could just do one ceremony on a beach on a day of our holiday then I’d be happy.

Yes he’s pissed off with me for being so indecisive and so am I so I get where he’s coming from. But ultimately it’s not too late to just forget the full thing as it’s not what either of us wants

So be decisive and cancel. Now.

You’re gonna get quite a few people on this thread OP saying they saved money by holding their wedding in a cardboard box in the road.

If you changed it to a beach wedding in Florida would you then start getting really anxious about that? I really think you need to talk to someone such as a counsellor about your wedding anxiety and why you wanted a big wedding and now you don’t.

You can get married in Florida without having a registry office wedding in the UK. here is a link about it

Also maybe consider spending some of your wedding money getting therapy for your abusive dad and people pleasing tendencies. Your mental health is a much better investment than a wedding piper!

When you tell people that you've cancelled the wedding, it sounds like they will try to moan and put pressure on you. Don't let them get under your skin, give them the broken record technique: "it just wasn't what we wanted" "it got out of hand and wasn't what we wanted" and, when they complain that they always wanted to walk you down the aisle / be your bridesmaid and now you've robbed them of this chance say "it's not about you." (The full stop is important there)

Good luck WorryWort I'm sure you'll feel a big relief once you've cancelled everything. The earlier you cancel, the more chance you have of getting your money back.

So imagine keeping your deposit at the venue but using it for a big party to celebrate. The wedding has already happened, and now your friends and loved ones are at a party to celebrate with you.

Think about that. How does it make you feel? Happy? Excited? Still stressed?

If the thought of a party to celebrate after the fact seems doable, maybe that is a compromise so you don't lose your deposits?

But definitely give your father his money back and don't invite anyone you don't want there. If he and his wife get offended and don't come, even better. Good luck!

If I was going abroad to marry I wouldn’t want a party or any type of big celebration. I know that sounds dull but the reason I want to go away is just to avoid it all.

Both my parents have large families (10 siblings). Then dad has remarried and he wants her family (7 siblings). Plus all their partners.

There is no compromise with my dad. Many people can’t understand what it feels like to fear a parent so much so growing up and it doesn’t just switch off when you become an adult. He can make me tremble by simply raising his voice. I avoid him at all costs now. Our relationship has absolutely no substance. He doesn’t know me, and what he thinks he knows about me he dislikes and ridicules.

But he is so self absorbed that he will make the day about him. He’ll cry with emotion. His speech will be about raising such a wonderful daughter and all the same stories (a handful) of what he can remember about me growing up. Ones that he’s told a million times. Then the rest will be about him in some way or another.

From the outside we have the dream father daughter relationship. If you go into his Facebook he is the perfect father. In reality we see each other very, very rarely and I avoid him. I don’t answer his calls, or visit him. He doesn’t visit me. He never spends time with my children.

He was abusive to my mum and In other relationships. We phoned the police on him for beating up his ex girlfriend. Had to go to court to give evidence at 14 as he denied it. Made me feel guilty for doing so. Shunned me. Ridiculed me for the way I looked or being too sensitive. Ridicules me for the way I parent or putting my children’s first.

At last we get down to the real reason behind your anxiety. Well done for recognising this and making sure you and your partner have what YOU both want rather than pleasing awful Dad. It's your wedding OP, I'm glad you've finally realised that it is up to you to call the shots. Good luck

A piper as in the musical sort? Or a cake piper? Or another kind I don’t know about?

Eloping in Florida sounds perfect, OP. I think it’ll be the best decision you’ve made and will probably help with your anxiety and fear of letting people down.

Your dad sounds awful. Do you have his bank details? Transfer him back the money he gave you for his wife's siblings (WTF would they even be invited?! That's not normal) Then send him a message saying "we've decided against having the big wedding. Here's the money back for Sharon's siblings." Then block / mute him for at least a month so he can't browbeat you. Remember, you don't have to explain anything to him and you don't owe him anything.

My friend has a disturbingly similar dad (right down to testifying against her dad as a teenager for domestic violence!) And
she is NC with him. When she got married 2 years ago he wasn't invited, but he still tried to find out where her wedding was in an attempt to gatecrash it. You can't reason with these people, and you can't give them an inch.

Hope you feel better now you know you have options and you don't have to put up with this.

We married in the US, we had to get a license the day before at City hall and take it with us on the day to the ceremony - that's it. American Marriage certificates are recognised here, just post it off to change your name if you need to. Ours was Vegas, a colleague was Florida by a lake.

Thanks.

Well I need to speak to OH about it. I feel like I’ll be lucky if he wants to marry me after this . He knows everything about my dad. He knows that I turn into a shell when he’s around. Everything is formal, there’s no joking, laughing or me. He rolls his eyes when my dad tells all the same stories over and over, mostly about how successful he is, how much money he has, or what an awful childhood he had.

It’s an ongoing joke between us but I he just tries to ignore it and we keep our distance.

I really don’t know if he will agree to it. I think he’ll be very very unhappy to do so. But he could still go his stag do in April and we could go our holiday in May/June and just have a small thing over there. That way we’re not having a registry office thing here and then have people wanting to come and having to have a meal with everyone after it.

You just need to be honest

"I have been utterly stupid to invite Dad into my life via the wedding haven't I? Can't believe I have tried to ignore that. You, me, the DC and our marriage is what matters to me.

I was thinking we could do x y z instead"

What does your fiance need to agree to though? He can't force you to have a big wedding against your will, especially since you're doing all the heavy lifting with the organising (for 2 years!) and he won't even send you his guest list. Surely the only choice you present him with is to elope or to not get married at all.

I had a massive wedding planned.

Huge dress, 6 bridesmaids, castle ceremony and reception. No change from £40k.

A month before I had (yet another) guest insist on sitting next to so and so, they would also only eat this etc.

It broke me and killed any excitement I had about the wedding.
I cancelled everything. Lost around £10k.

Got a cancellation at the local register office for the next week. 6 people including bride, groom and registrar.

Lovely lunch after at fancy restaurant.

It was perfect.

I also don't give a shit about guests getting the hump about me cancelling, I just go back to seeing them maybe twice a year!

Your wedding is about you two, screw everyone else.

@Freddieiscomingforme what did your husband think?

In January this year we did effectively cancel it. We went to see a small venue in a private room in a restaurant. Announced it to my father and him and my step wife went in a huff. They were not happy at all. Asking why we had spent money on a big holiday instead of saving for a wedding! I explained it wasn’t about the money, we can afford the holiday and the wedding, we just don’t want it.

Anyway a big argument happened and I was left shaking and in tears. My siblings started siding with my dad saying it was so sad that I wanted a small wedding and that it’s meant to be the best and happiest day of my life.

They said I was bridezilla. I’m not. I just get bored of all the wedding talk. They hyped up, screeching excitement. They fell out with me because I didn’t take them dress shopping with me.

So to make life easier I just continued with the big wedding. I thought it would be easier but I’m utterly miserable. I starve myself to fit into my dress then binge. My dad has commented on my weight and openly judges everyone on appearance. It makes me feel like I need to look a certain way and I put so much pressure on myself. I can’t tkae it anymore.