To cancel my wedding and elope

[Worrywart21]

In May next year. I don’t want it. We’d lose about £5000. Would it be unreasonable to just go somewhere and get married?

She’s said it’s not about costs, she doesn’t want a big wedding.

I would elope (given what you're saying and how you're feeling).

Have a party much later, maybe in the summer.

And wow. In my opinion 24K is hugely extravagant. If you were dreaming of having that special day where you can be the centre of attention, I'd still call this extravagant but at least you'd be doing it for you. Total waste if you don't actually enjoy that. (I don't either, so I understand where you're coming from.)

If you don't want any of this stuff, you can scale right back. You need your man, one or two witness, a nice outfit and a booking at the registrars or a minister or celebrant. Go for a lovely meal at a favourite restaurant after. That's it.

We had 13 guests for the ceremony, went for lunch then altogether 25 or 30 guests for a party in our house in the evening. Lovely homemade buffet including gourmet food and a wedding cake my mum made for us. We only had people there we actually wanted to share our wedding with and enjoyed every minute of the day. No venue booking, no invites, no bridesmaids, no hair and makeup, no cars, no band. No favours, no piper etc etc. I treated myself to a dress from a shop I'd always wanted to buy one from and still paid

Him you are not having a wedding day filled with anxiety where you'll be unhappy and if he wants to marry you, you need to find a compromise.

£2500 on venue - a big cost but in the schemes of things, only around 1o% of what you plan to spend
£150 photographer - see if she'll swap it to another package
£50 cake - take the hit
£1270 dress - still needed
£50 make up - take the hit
£100 cars - take the hit
£100 Favours - could you resell them?
£100 officiant - take the hit

I v check what cancellation arrangements are but you'll ly on "lose" 3k. For sanity and a wedding you'll be happy at

Fiancé works away for weeks at a time so he’s not here to be part of the planning process. Even getting him to do his side of the guest list is a headache.

I have texted him this morning as he knows I’ve been stressed about it the last few evenings (about on about 20 other occasions over the last year) saying basically we’ve not sent out invites, would you be open to going to get married just me you and the kids. taking the hit on £3,000 but saving so much more? I said I know you probably won’t be and that’s ok but I am struggling to cope with not just the planning but the actual day and I’ve realised it’s really not what I want. Will see what he says but I know in his mind there is no way the wedding can’t go ahead now.

He parents have passed away so he won’t be missing out on them being there.

That’s so a an INSANE amount of money. You really don’t need to spend this much! You can have a happy middle between this wedding and eloping which will also be expensive.

Do what makes you happy and don't worry about what anybody else thinks. Mind you that is a staggering amount of money. Our wedding will be around £2000 all in. We have both been married before so it will be a registry office wedding with a good reception. We don't want a sit down meal before the reception etc.

If you're doing the planning do it that it's immediate family only, lunch after and then everyone bugger off home. Don't get railroaded into the big wedding, I know someone who was when they only wanted small and they're still paying it off after divorce (Not saying it'll happen to you but just don't get guilted into a big day you won't like for everyone else)

£24,000 is not a "basic" wedding. You've been duped by the multi-billion pound wedding industry. This is your life, not a daytime television show. Do what you want to do, not what the industry and your TV-victim relatives & "friends" want you to do.

Thanks. He simply said we will discuss when I’m home. But also said don’t stress you are going to look amazing.

Areas where I would cut back:
Venue - keep.
Photographer - keep.
Cake - no one needs a £300 cake or will remember it.
Band - no need, use a playlist.
Flowers - cut back!! Don't get them professionally.
Dress - keep.
Groomswear - keep begrudgingly.
Bridesmaid- there is no way you need to spend £1100 on other people's dresses - it's YOUR big day!
Invites - print yourself, no one cares about fancy invites outside of your immediate family.
Rings - keep.
Shoes - keep (good for you for finding such a good price for shoes!)
Hair - keep.
Make up- that is so expensive for make up!! It's not expensive than your hair! But keep if it's really important for your confidence.
Cars - no one cares what you turn up in!! Or leave in!! It really doesn't matter!!
Favours - no one is bothered about favours anyway. Write a card to each bridesmaid.
Licence - keep.
Officiant - keep.
Videographer - a videographer and a photographer? I would argue that you probs will hardly watch the video back, whereas photos are way more important, but keep if it's really important to you.
Flower girls - you don't need to spend £300 on kids!! It's wasted on them!
Piper - easiest to get rid! It's unnecessary expense that won't add any value to your wedding.

Good luck, I really hope you find a way to reduce money and stay happy!

No way, that's a ridiculous amount of money for 1 day!! I'd just elope.

Flower girls, piper, videographer are not basic!! £350 on invitations???!! We didn’t even have flowers beyond my bouquet and a few button holes.

If you genuinely don’t want this wedding, then cancel now! My friend did similar, but had less to lose. They booked a register office and then went for elvenses at M&S. Family meal in hotel later.

I see different issues here (We're planning our wedding at the moment, around £30k-absolutely everything calculated, but everything we chose makes us happy and we don't regret anything).

How did you agree to this price/size of wedding? Were you happy at first and now you've realised you're not?

Why doesn't your fiance help with planning?
We've been together absolutely everywhere and made decisions together

How much would eloping cost?

Sorry, just read your updates. He needs to be involved if this is going forward.

Flower girls, piper, videographer are not basic!! £350 on invitations???!! We didn’t even have flowers beyond my bouquet and a few button holes.

I don't think money is the issue here though.

If you genuinely don’t want this wedding, then cancel now! My friend did similar, but had less to lose. They booked a register office and then went for elvenses at M&S. Family meal in hotel later.

It takes two to go to the register office. Fiancé is unwilling to do this and wants the big wedding but refuses to help with the planning.

And OP is also letting her family dictate on how to get married.

Tbh, if you cannot even agree on what kind of wedding you want, OP, and there is now way you could find a middle ground, I wonder of the while marriage is doomed in any case.

You sound so stressed. You will just end up being resentful of your future DH.

Could you cancel the whole thing all together of your fiancé is insisting on the big day without being willing to do his bit.

Or could you go on strike and leave the entire planning to him from now on. If you keep doing the work for him, it's easy for your fiancé to just insist on the big wedding as there is no extra work.

I would either call the entire thing off or hand over the planning to your fiancé. But don't carry on.

Elope.

Cancel hen and stag and all the other crap.

(Spend 19K on a ring instead!!.....lasts longer...but you wouldnt...so don't get sucked into the wedding industry game)

There's 2 separate issues.

One is the huge amount of money that this is going to cost. As someone else has said, google sunk cost fallacy. Write off the deposits. You will have lost a lot of money but you'll lose a hell of a lot more if you go ahead.

The other issue is that the thought of the actual day (being centre of attention etc) is causing you a huge amount of stress. If your dp was really looking forward to the day then you would have to try and find a compromise.

But to be fair to you, you've been warning him for months that your not happy. Plus, from what you've posted, it sounds as though he's only wanting to go ahead because he's worried about disappointing other people rather than because it's what he actually wants himself. That's not a good enough reason to go ahead, especially if the invitations haven't been sent out.

Let him go ahead with his big stag do if that's what he wants. But cancel the wedding and then bugger off for a quiet ceremony somewhere for just you 2 and the dc.

I think the relationship sounds doomed.

Time to dig your heels in and just repeat "I don't want this big fancy day, I don't want to look back on our wedding day with sadness and regret thinking about how unhappy I was"

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY

OP, you're thinking the way I felt.
We eloped, had a three week honeymoon, spent wedding day together alone, it was magical.

Why is he not listening to you when you're clearly distressed?

It's your wedding. Cancel and do what you want. Simples.

Don’t ask him if it’s ok ffs, tell him you are not having a massive wedding YOU don’t want. In the nicest possible way, woman up and stand up for yourself!
Sod what yours/his family think. Don’t spend your life being told what you should do by other people, and if your future DH can’t or won’t consider your feelings over this just imagine what he’ll be like when your married. Are you just going to role over and be told what you’re going to do by H and family all your life?
This is so much bigger than just planning a wedding. You need to work on your self worth and learn how to say no to shit you don’t want.

really it is honestly a basic wedding

It really isn't. Basic weddings don't have videographers and flower girls, nor a £10,000 venue.

Spending £24,000 on something you don't want and which you are actively dreading is insane. Stop the madness and nip round to the local registry office with your immediate family, then go to a local restaurant for a meal. You'll enjoy it so much more.

Does he dictate other aspects of your life ?