To cancel my wedding and elope

[Worrywart21]

In May next year. I don’t want it. We’d lose about £5000. Would it be unreasonable to just go somewhere and get married?

He can still have his big stag do!

I went ahead with a wedding day I didn't want to please my family. I didn't enjoy the day at all. It has no special memories for me.

If he wants the big day, then hand over the planning to him. Why are you planning 99% of it when he is the one pushing it?! You’re being a mug.

And £360 on make up?! Is it made from gold dust and being licked on by fairies? I’d expect to look like a supermodel if I paid that much for make up.

It’s not just my make up, it’s mine, bridesmaids mother of bride. I know i know I don’t need to but I’m expected to.

I’m planning it all as he works in a highly stressful job which he gets hardly any downtime from. I have lots of Time but couldn’t think of anything worse. Last night I sat down to plan guest lists and couldn’t sleep til 2am. My mind races and my body is pumped with adrenaline. I know it’s not normal and it’s unusual but it’s happening to me and I feel pathetic for being unable to cope but I just can’t. I have people coming I have only met a handful of times as it’s my Step mums family and my dad and her want them there. I’ve objected and they’ve fallen out with me then given me the cash to pay for them.

I know i know I don’t need to but I’m expected to.

You need to learn to say no.

Get off this merry go round! Registry office or abroad with minimum guests. And a party afterwards at home for those that might feel their missing out. Why put yourself through the trauma if it's not your thing. Being authentic to your own values and preferences every time. Life is too short.

They're not their!

My wedding day was awful. I hate, hate being centre of attention, I’d told Dh I didn’t want a big wedding but he insisted we had to do it for the sake of his parents. I can’t even look at the wedding photos or have any up because I just cringe at the memory of it. I was counting down the minutes until it was all over and I could escape, I even considered pretending I had food poisoning at one point. It cost a similar amount to your wedding and I’m still really resentful that dh made me go through with it.

Well tell him you’re not doing it! You’re not happy and don’t want want to be involved with the planning any further - you want you’re life back

If he doesn’t respect that - don’t marry him

Honestly? I think spending that is obscene. But that’s by the by, it’s your money. The point is you don’t want to have a big wedding, so the question is why are you?

We eloped. Best thing ever. If I could do it again I would have gone even more basic. It really was just one day.

My mouth is agape at the itemised costs of this not extravagant wedding.
We also had children and neither of us were fussed about a wedding as such so never got round to it.
Went on a multi centre holiday which included Vegas. No plans at all and somehow got ourselves married in a little chapel which cost us about £200 all in. We just told everyone by messenger and got on with the rest of the holiday/honeymoon.
It was excellent and approved of by the wider family . We didnt even have a party once were returned as we really couldnt afford it after our holiday and somehow ( as with the wedding originally) never got round to it. We had very few cards or presents which doesnt matter at all.Doesnt affect the fact that we are married though. Amd we love bringing it up with new people we meet as a talking point. Our only regret is that we werent married by Elvis !

Booked daughters wedding, we live in a historic city, hotel/venue is in city centre, 60+ guests for ceremony & sit down meal inc bubbly for toast & wine with meal,100 guests & buffet for evening, honeymoon hotel room =£6k. ELOPE!

Weddings can be so so stressful and it sounds as if you are going ahead to plan something that your fiance and family want and none of them are listening to you. People telling you that having the kind of wedding you personally want is sad, is just nonsense. And its not up to them, its up to you.
Sack the 5 bridesmaids and make your kids the flower girls/ring bearers etc.
Your fiance may be busy but he can't be busy 24/7. He's not being fair leaving it all to you. Book a babysitter and take him out to discuss it but be prepared to offer solutions and ask for his input.
I would ring up all the deposit people. See what you could get back. If its not until may you may still get something back. Do a spreadsheet and show this to Fiance.
Decide what you really want if there was no pressure from anyone. Where would you go, how much would that cost etc.. and present him with your alternative plan. If you elope, you could have a great holiday and a party - which might be less attention.
Best of luck I hope you can find a solution that makes both of you happy.

If your fiancé wants the big wedding, why is it you that's doing the organising?
Just stop.
Then he can decide whether he wants to take over or have a smaller wedding.
Utterly bizarre that you're going ahead with organising a wedding you don't want

You need to give your F an ultimatum. Either he fully takes over the planning of the wedding, or you cancel and elope. But you are no longer doing any planning. His “busy job” is bullshit. Many people have busy jobs and still manage to arrange all manner of things outside of work.

And tell your family to piss off. It’s literally nothing to do with them.

I know people who spend £500 on wedding shoes.

I know people who spend £500 on a lovely wedding!

You are making yourself very unwell.

You need to cancel.

Id just say that either elope or just cancel. It's making you sick so for your own MH it's not happening. This is not a negotiation.

OP it sounds horrendous

it should be a special day, something that you both want, whatever it is.
To be honest, planning a wedding for 2 YEARS sounds horrendous (I had nearly 200 guests at mine, but 2 YEARS?)

Who are you planning the wedding for? you, your kids or your relatives?
Every penny you spend is money you don't spend on your own children. Don't you want to put them first?

It's so not too late to change your plans, downsize, scale down or just elope.

You need to start being the adult and being in charge, who cares if you are "expected to"? By whom? you are the one paying, you have kids, do what you want.

First be honest with yourself, is your issue being the centre of attention, or is it the money? It's one day, and you already have kids, it's not worth spending months about what is only a big party.

I’ve said for the last 10 months I don’t want it but we keep just forging ahead with it. I’ve done 99% of the planning. He doesn’t care what we do really. Just feels like it’s a waste of money to cancel now and also disappointing for guests

If he doesn’t care why do you keep forging ahead with it?
Stuff the guests being disappointed (they won’t be-honestly) those that care for you just want to be happy, those that care that you cancel just want a free feed and to make you feel bad you didn’t provide it!

Do you want a marriage or a crazy expensive wedding that you will regret?

Who needs a £200 piper and £800 videographer to get married??!
(Other cuts groomsmen, bridesmaid dresses, v expensive makeup (I’m sure you look lovely enough Day to Day) £10,000 on a venue is a house deposit! Flowers - use environmental issues as an excuse, use a taxi instead of expensive cars) at the end of the day have the wedding YOU want, not what is ‘expected’ of you. You don’t have to go into debt for anyone.

You say he doesn’t care what we do really but does he? Is he afraid of losing face or something? Family being ‘sad’ is a really crap reason to spend a fortune tbh. I would be tempted, if he doesn’t care, to get everything in place and just bugger off to Vegas or Gretna.

That's not a basic wedding. My wedding was basic, with a £35 dress from Petticoat Lane and a wedding cake made by a chef friend, and a 3am visit to New Covent Garden market with my mum and sister for the flowers.
Somehow, somewhere along the way, someone lost sight of You. Maybe it was you, or your family, or your partner and his family. Get back to You.
Think of all the advantages that £19k will give the dc in years to come. You need never think twice about an educational trip with the school, they can have tutors for GCSEs, all the revision material in the world, a lovely toaster oven to take to uni.
Or you could put it aside for a truckload of cosmetic surgery for your 50th birthday.
Or a gap year for you and your then DH when the youngest is off your hands.

But seriously, you must have the day you want.

I would see if you can use the venue credit for something else (dinners and Sunday lunch for the next couple of years??) and, if so, see what you can do with the other deposits. Can the car take you somewhere close and scenic where the photographer can take a small number of pictures of you in your wedding dress as a memento (for the amount you have already paid)?

If not, I would stick with the original plan but, as PPs have said, you can massively cut down on a lot of the costs. Just because someone you know spent a massive sum in wedding shoes does not need you need to do that!

There is a massive difference in getting married and a wedding. As you have children already the legal bit of being married is important but no marriage actually requires a wedding. It needs the legal ceremony and some paperwork. It does not need anything else at all to be married.
Your mental health is suffering because of this. This is not good. You need to talk to your husband to be again - show him this thread if needs be or write a letter saying exactly how you are feeling (sometimes easier to write things down). A wedding shouldn't be making you so unhappy.

I am with you all the way - a huge wedding would be my absolute nightmare.
Be strong - elope ❤️

You can cut right back on these costs:

Venue is £10,000
Photographer £800
Cake £300
Band - hire a DJ instead £250 maybe?
Flowers £100 - bouquet for you only

Dress £2000
Groom wear & grooms men £100 - don't have any groomsmen
Bridesmaid dresses - don't have any bridesmaids Invites £350
Rings £1000
Shoes £50
Hair £50 - hair for you only
Make up £60 - for you only
Cars - use your own cars
Favours - don't bother with favours. Nobody appreciates them
Licence £70
Officiant £500
Videographer - cancel this, you will never watch the video
Flower girls £300
Piper £200

That comes to around £16k.

Reduce your numbers for the venue and you can cut that cost back too.