To cancel my wedding and elope

[Worrywart21]

In May next year. I don’t want it. We’d lose about £5000. Would it be unreasonable to just go somewhere and get married?

The wedding sounds like a complete nightmare and won't get any easier in the run up or the day itself.

I would say to your DP that you can't face the stress of the wedding. He can have his stag do - probably the only bit he was looking forward to - and you get married in Florida with just dp, dc and random witnesses.

Don't let people know what the plan for the wedding is, just talk vaguely about a registry wedding in the summer. The last thing you need is people inviting themselves along on the Florida trip. A friend of mine made the mistake of telling people the details of their low key foreign wedding which had been chosen in order to avoid certain people being there. The people they were trying to avoid rocked up at the wedding as a "lovely surprise".

If dp won't agree to this compromise I would cancel the whole thing. You need to focus on your mental health.

Glad that you're starting to be able to think of positive alternatives. Definitely ditch your abusive dad and go completely NC.

Then either book a registry office followed by a family holiday in Florida for the honeymoon, or book a family holiday in Florida and quietly get married while you're over there.

Some really good advice on here about how to tell people. Work out your script and keep repeating it. Don't let yourself get deflected or drawn into discussions about it.

Good luck

@Worrywart21 If we had to go abroad to get married just us on our holiday, do we need to get married in the uk too to make it official?

It depends where you want to marry. Some places you can do it all abroad, some would require you to marry here before to make it official, but you could have a blessing abroad. If you know where you'd like to go, look up their marriage requirements. I know you can marry in Greece without needing to do anything here; and I think the same goes for Mexico.

@Piglet89
You’re gonna get quite a few people on this thread OP saying they saved money by holding their wedding in a cardboard box in the road

I think they have started already. And someone will be on with 'all the people I know who had expensive weddings are divorced now' or some tripe like that. Like people who have cheap wedding never divorce as their love is much more real than couples with a bit of cash to spend

@Worrywart21

He was quite shocked but he knew I was getting more and more stressed by guests than the actual wedding itself!
I told him that if he wanted to deal with ALL of the guests requests, it could carry on.

He loved our wedding and constantly tells others to do it too!
In fact, we went to a huge wedding a couple of years ago (just like our planned one) and he hated it.

It was like watching a show.

The wedding should not be bigger than you two!

I'm assuming from what you write about saving for the wedding that your father isn't paying for any part of it, as might a traditional father for a big wedding, so there is absolutely no excuse at all for him to dictate to you what sort of wedding you should have. It really isn't too late for you to cancel the extravaganza and arrange a wedding you know you will enjoy.

Surely big weddings are for those who haven't lived together yet??

Hopefully your Father will be so pissed off at you he will go no contact, what a win!!!

He wants the big wedding to be centre of attention...

Also, wedding favours can be small glass candles from the pound shop with a personalised sticker over the front "Thankyou for attending John & Jane's Wedding 24th December 2018" for example with a little pic of wedding rings. Buy blank stickers from Ryman's and print on home computer. Tie ribbon around top of glass - Bingo!

You need to cancel. Its not about scaling it down which of course would always be possible (I do take exception to poster who said a £300 for a cake is not necessary, as someone who makes cakes that's about average for a wedding cake).
However this is clearly about your relationship with your Dad, so go to Florida and get married on the beach. If your dress is your dream dress wear it! I renewed my vows on a beach on California but ceremony was nearly the same as a wedding, it would have been legal.

@Daddystilllost

I appreciate that. But the thought of doing that for 100 candles in the evenings when I am already a busy mum of 2 doing all homework, after school clubs, planning, birthdays Christmas etc mostly alone whilst Dp works away fills me with dread.

Then add the guest lists, seating plans, invites, rsvps to sort out as well.

@RandomMess

Funny enough since January his contact with me has went from full on, me trying to avoid him to almost non existent from him. And because he’s stopped trying, we don’t see each other. I think I’ve pissed him off already so much by even suggesting it that he’s decided to stop contacting me and so it’s been very peaceful.

I just cringe at the thought of his speech. If our level of contact continues until May then it’s going to be truly cringe worthy to listen to his fake love and stories about me & my family when he is not a part of it as we don’t want him to be.

Disney wedding will be lovely. I'd definitely rather spend £10k on a couple of weeks in Florida with the kids than a fancy pants wedding. Your relatives will get over it. Good luck x

I got married in Florida last year. It was amazing! Wedding, honeymoon (went on a cruise for a week after spending a week in Orlando), party at home including a jacket potato stall (was lush!) and a band all came to less than a quarter of what you're paying.

You can get married at the courthouse (you don't need to book, just turn up), on the beach (google is your friend, lots of info about it as we considered it) or various other venues. We got married at a place called Paradise Cove, and it was gorgeous.Small, intimate, and exactly how we wanted it.

Thedibb.co.uk is brilliant for all things Florida and Disney

Surely big weddings are for those who haven't lived together yet??

Why? We had a big wedding because we could easily afforded it and it was exactly what we wanted. Not everyone is silly to spend £30k+ on a wedding, to some that's not a huge amount of money.

Surely big weddings are for those who haven't lived together yet??

they are for people who can afford them, not sure what the lenght of time people have spent together has to do with them

Is anyone crazy anything to get married with someone they haven't lived with first these days? WHY?
I get the wedding before children, but surely it's mad not to see if you are compatible first.

Elope and use it as a grand party after. No more frills

Out of interest, Why is your dad giving you away? Because you feel he should? My dad didn't come to my wedding, we don't speak, we don't get on, i didn't invite him. I walked myself down (though DH says I walked too quick and looked like Nessa from G&S because I was so nervous) but I don't care - you make that decision, not him.

My Dad came to my wedding but no one gave me away because I’m not a thing to be given away. I’m walked down the aisle with my husband. My Dad didn’t do a speech because he said it made him feel anxious. We had a lovely day but didn’t stick to traditions that weren’t right for us firstly as a couple and then secondly families.

@Qforcucumber

Because on the face of it we get on. We are a normal father and daughter. But there’s major issues there that go way back to when I was a small child. We tiptoed around him and even now I feel myself shrinking away to avoid his judgment. I won’t make jokes or be myself around him. So he doesn’t know me I just avoid him. But there’s no “issue” there. It’s weird but it is how it is. So he naturally assumes and as does everyone else that he will be there, will walk me down the aisle and will make a speech. If I said no then it would be extremely strange as there is no problem there.

My friend did this OP as she has a mother with narcissistic tendencies and her mum was trying to live her own dream wedding through my friend.

It led to her feeling so openly judged by her mum that she nearly broke down because she just wanted to marry her now DH in peace and in a way that suited them both. She had already sunk around £3500 into the wedding she didn’t want, she was worried that her Dad might never forgive her for removing his chance to walk her down the aisle (she and her Dad have a much stronger relationship). She was worried that wider family would feel slighted. She told me all this on a walk one Saturday and even said she worried I’d fall out with her because I was set to be MOH.

I’ll tell you as I told her, your wedding with X is your day, if you want to elope I could never hold it against you - because I care about you and want you to be happy. She and X eloped to Gretna Green for a long weekend the following week and came back married. She did compromise for her parents by having an evening reception a few weeks later where she wore the dress her Aunt had bought for her, cut the cake etc and she is still glad that she made the choice she did.

I can’t soeak to the horrible relationship with your bully of a Father and I’m sorry that’s a huge factor in this for you, but if your DH is on board, try to put your happiness (and his) ahead of the potential fallout from your Dad

OP Just cancel. You dread your father's speech, having to invite people you don't know and don't like and paying more than you want. When you speak to your chap, just say he can have his big stag do but then you'll be travellling to x place (get some idea - May is brilliant for greek islands/southern Europe) just the four of you and having a fabulous holiday. Send the dress back and get something suitable for a beach.

OP, the more I hear about your father and your family, the more I think your idea of cancelling and getting married abroad is really the only way to go. Of course there will be fallout from it, but I'd suggest you just block anyone who shrieks at you about it and block all their social media, and concentrate on the bliss of not spending the next few weeks and months dreading the whole thing.