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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sit around with a random baby on Saturday night?

261 replies

gwackywacky · 29/10/2019 13:42

So DP's friends all like to stay in. I mean literally. They dont go to pubs, or bars, or activities, or anything really. They just go to each others houses. That's totally their choice, but personally I feel like we're in our 30s and there are people in their 80s with more diversity in their social lives.

Whatever though, I have my friends (who he doesn't interact with) and he has his (same).

So last night DP says to me "F was saying he wanted to hang out on Saturday". I was like "awesome, why don't we go to the new escape room that's opened?" And DP says "gwacky, hello? S has just had the baby?"

(S is F's partner, I hadnt realised that simply using the mans name could be shorthand for two other human beings, but I guess it's a mans world and that's another debate).

So I said "oh okay....." and DP said "so they really want to come to the house".

Okay, I know I'm being unreasonable in a way. But the thing is, I'm away one weekend a month for a course. He knows it drives me insane to be sitting in a fucking living room for 6 or 7 hours (and yes, it will be that long, I know them). I just like socialising out. Why do I have to sit in my house for all of Saturday night and gush over a baby when he could just invite them over on one of the many weekends i am away?!

Am I being selfish? I can take it if I am. Also I have seen the baby before, we went to te maternity ward two or three days after he was born. Oh and another thing is I work from home which suits me fine but by the time the weekend comes around I'm just like GET ME OUT OF HERE.

OP posts:
Keepitjuicyjuicy · 31/10/2019 10:19

One of the few benefits of being an adult, is the freedom to do what you like. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You don't have to be joint at the hip to your bf and his friends. Just say you would prefer to have a night out instead but understand he wants to spend time with his mate at home.

Localocal · 31/10/2019 10:28

I am not sure why you are on Mumsnet if you not only don't have children but seem quite hostile to the whole concept. Here are some things you clearly don't know about parenthood that would be useful as you move through the age where many of your friends and your DPs friends will be starting families:

  1. It's a hassle to take a baby somewhere. They are not going to stay 6-7 hours now they have one. I promise.

  2. The new dad really can't just ditch his baby and baby mama to go hang with his pal on a Saturday night. That would be horrible. But staying home night after night is also horrible. So it makes sense to try to get out of the house together and go see a dear friend.

I hear you about getting out of the house yourself, but as it's Saturday night I think you can get out of the house during the day, no?

Please don't make your partner make excuses for why his partner has ditched them to go partying. It makes you look like an asshole and him look like he is living with an asshole. Be nice to his friends and maybe you will find you like having friends in common.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 31/10/2019 10:35

Baby mama, how lovely.,

Delatron · 31/10/2019 10:45

Also OP, if you don’t have kids you can go out any night. You don’t have to get a babysitter! Make the most of it.

And it is just one night, even if that one night is 50% of a precious weekend. Relationships are about compromise and OP can pretty much go out any weekend.

Chloe84 · 31/10/2019 10:45

@Localocal

I am not sure why you are on Mumsnet if you not only don't have children but seem quite hostile to the whole concept.

Seriously, fuck off with the ‘you can’t sit with us’ shit. Angry

FizzyIce · 31/10/2019 10:51

I agree with you OP but then I don’t .
I also like to go out and “do” stuff but don’t mind people coming over either as we always have a laugh.
You just come across as a bit rude so that makes me think you’re being unfair .

Whatsthesmell · 31/10/2019 10:55

You don't sound accepting of your dp's friends nevermind their baby. It's rude of you to refer to the baby as random. It's not a random baby it's dp's friends baby and your dp will care greatly of that baby.

I'm in my 30s and my weekly going out days are long over. I mostly socialise with friends at houses etc. Usually mine as I have young kids in bed and no one complains. We're just getting older although we do joke our parents now have better social life's than us. But then they are mostly are mortgage free and kids all grown up etc.

I'm sure friends have been there longer than you so maybe time to stop arguing over it and if you want out then maybe go for lunch or something before you see them or go out with dp on a Friday night or Sunday and see them on on a Saturday night. I can't imagine you see them every sat night.

Hannahmates · 31/10/2019 11:04

Just go out and have your own fun. You don't want to be there so don't. I could not think of a more boring way to spend my free time.

Hannahmates · 31/10/2019 11:07

Don't waste your time doing something you don't want to do. These are his friends. Let him entertain them. You go out and have your fun. Life is too short to waste time doing something you don't enjoy. His friends sound really boring.

SmileyGiraffe · 31/10/2019 11:12

@Localocal Fuck off with that shite. This is a broad church.

ThisThat · 31/10/2019 11:17

No one is right or wrong here. You are just completely and utterly different people. This situation aside, I can't see how it's going to work out in the long-term unless there's some kind of compromising? It would need to be a balance between going out and staying in to keep both of you happy, and if you're not both prepared to commit to doing this, it will make both of your lives hell!

Localocal · 31/10/2019 12:31

@Chloe84 and @SmileyGiraffe not sure why the nastiness is necessary. Surely if you are posting on a site that was created to connect mums to each other you would at least not be actually hostile to the idea of motherhood? OP, though doubtless a fine person, seems totally uninterested in parenthood, so I'm not sure why she would be interested in the content here.

Pursefirst · 31/10/2019 12:37

@Localocal the site isn't just a parenting forum. Maybe check your own posts for "nastiness" before piling on other posters.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 31/10/2019 12:43

How long have been on MN Local?

Because you would have noticed the pets, feminism, S&B and many other boards which are not to do with being a parent.
Also, there are many posters, like me who despite being parents don’t find other people’s babies interesting.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 31/10/2019 14:11

OP, I personally like the kind of evenings your partner and his friends have in mind, and often socialize like that with my partner/kids and our friends. But that doesn't stop me from saying that you are not unreasonable at all imho, for all the reasons you've mentioned

At last some good sense. It amazes me how many people can’t understand that, just because they might not enjoy an escape room or a bar or clubbing, it doesn’t mean no one else should either. Some of us, shock horror, actually enjoy nights in AND nights out.

OP - ignore the posters telling you to ‘grow up’. I see nothing particularly adult in deciding how others should or shouldn’t spend their own free time based on an arbitrary date on the calendar. Maybe some of these people are a little bit resentful that they don’t have the same freedom they had before having children; therefore they have to dismiss you as ‘acting like a teen’ or similar to make themselves feel better. That they have made the adult choice and are therefore superior.

If you do stay in with the new parents this Saturday, keep this one in reserve. Remind your partner next time you want to go out and he wants to stay in that you did what he wanted - now it’s your turn.

Delatron · 31/10/2019 14:52

To be fair, I didn’t realise people who weren’t parents were interested in being on here. So that’s an eye opener. Maybe they should change the strap line which is ‘a forum for parents by parents’.

You are going to get more biased answers on a parenting forum though, even if it has evolved.

I don’t think the OP has helped herself by calling the baby random and suggesting some escape room night out. Her DP had to go ‘er she’s just had a baby’. Shows a lack of empathy.

QueSera · 31/10/2019 15:40

Sorry to sound harsh OP, but your attitude sounds really rude.
It's not a 'random baby' is it, it's the baby of friends.
Go out with your friends another night - but obviously this woman can't go out with a newborn, so why not be happy that she wants to visit you?
As PP said, you and your partner don't sound compatible. You want him to socialise when you're not there? That is strange to me.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 31/10/2019 15:50

You’ve never come across the infertility boards, Delatron?

Can the posters there use MN?

Policing who can use a forum is really odd.

Delatron · 31/10/2019 15:54

I’m not policing it. Obviously the forum covers everything to do with parenting; trying to conceive, infertility, baby names. I just only came across the boards when I had children due to the name, Mumsnet.
I guess the appeal has widened now. A mere
observation.

Sagradafamiliar · 31/10/2019 15:58

The OP knows full well what they're doing here, they went elsewhere on the internet, chest puffed out bragging about posting these BS little stories for fun and to 'entertain bored women'.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 31/10/2019 16:28

unless you’re planning to be childless may need to think about when you’d like to grow up

Just saw this little gem. Can the person who wrote this please take over my business, mortgage, family responsibilities and bills because I'm not grown up enough to do it.

Thanks.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 31/10/2019 16:33

To be fair, I didn’t realise people who weren’t parents were interested in being on here

Here we go again.

Carabello · 31/10/2019 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/10/2019 20:40

Interesting that some people seem to think that wanting to go out is immature, but wanting to sit in someone else's house talking shit and smoking dope for hours is somehow more 'adult'...

I have known people who think that taking drugs makes them better, more enlightened and more interesting (and nothing whatsoever to do with all those working-class people shooting and stabbing each other over drug-deals, of course) but they are not people I would want to spend time with.
I think OP's main mistake was being desperate for A Couple-Relationship, so she has thrown her lot in with a wanker who just happened to be available.

FelicisNox · 31/10/2019 20:45

Can I just jump in with regards to the virtue signalling aggressive posters... the clue is in the name MUMSnet.

@Localocal point stands.

Why in gods name would you go on a predominantly parenting website to make disparaging remarks about a baby and their parents who've done nothing but apparently inconvenience you with their presence unless you were looking to start a dog fight? Hmm

Also, there ARE other boards with other topics and guess what? I don't go on ANY of them.... don't even really know what the heck is on Mumsnet because I only ever go on the hot topics thread.. controversial I know, but being a GROWN UP, I recognise the luxury of CHOICE.

I'd never even been on Mumsnet before I had kids because it's called Mumsnet, not Womensnet or Peoplesnet. So pack your faux indignation away because no one is buying into it.

@gwackywacky it's not a "random" baby... you KNOW this baby so enough already. That's just rude.

Also, examine your relationship because you 2 are on totally different pages and that is unlikely to change: is this really how you want to live for the rest of your life?

This isn't just about what you think. You keep this up and your OH may just decide you're too demanding and don't fit in with HIS life. I would put money on it that thought has already crossed his mind.