CoatZilla and the Barbour Boy- The Second Saga

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

Hey everyone!

Bloody hell, in all my years of MNing I've never had a response like this, I was really helped by loads of your replies, and loads made me giggle (Roast Potatoes!!) and loads made good points.

I'm sorry I can't reply to specific posts but seriously there's so many.

or for everyone who replied and is sticking with me.

So on to the update.....

CoatZilla, henceforth to be known as CZ, text again last night....

Here it is word for word.
mate, your obviously upset and that was never my intention. I'm sorry that we argued, I honestly didn't see the conversation going that way when I brought it up. I think it's better we let the dust settle for tonight in honesty. Probably best to have a calm conversation tomorrow evening?

My reply....
Yeah tomorrow evening much better I think

And she didn't come back last night (good!)

So she's made a mistake anyway......cos Dad was actually out last night ! So we'll all be sitting there when she comes back.

My plan is, to write a list of bullet points for tonight of things she definitely said, so I can't forget and she can't back out of it or claim she didn't say it (I also remembered another bit in the fucking row- where she went "Oh, so a fucking ghost did it?" in that tone of voice- fucking horrible)

Also to sit calmly and let her explain to my lovely Dad and DP that she thinks they might have maliciously cut her coat.

Then see what she says!

TBH unless she fucking grovels on her knees (not likely after that fucking last text- minimization or what??) I'm going to be asking her to pack her stuff.

I'm not being "spurred on by hysterical posters"

I have read all the replies, some have opened my eyes, some have been excusing, some have told me not to rock the friendship boat....overall I have taken a middle(ish) ground.....but tbh it's clear she is
a) weird/horrible enough to think that of her oldest friend and her family
b) fucking vicious in a row
c) now backtracking massively

So....thoughts???

And again for the troll hunters in the back......my username currently is always "LanaKanesomething", and I've had various other names going back years.....so bloody well report me and see what MN has to say, yeah?

Do you feel you could still forgive @LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut?

I have a feeling whatever happens tonight, you both need space from each other.

I normally worry reading threads like this that OP gets persuaded to be more dramatic than they normally would for the entertainment of PPs but I don't think this is the case here. I'm sure when you see your friend you will be as kind as possible, given the circumstances.

The parts of this that have really shocked me are how she is obviously taking the piss with regards to paying her way. If you let her keep living with you then you need to charge a fair rent and board. She's obviously not short of money and you really are! A true friend would not be comfortable with this arrangement. She's literally taking her food out of the mouths of your kids.

She obviously loves the drama and doesn't respect you or she wouldn't have spent a whole week miss marpling about with her other friends. Because of this she is likely to blow anything you say out of proportion and repeat it so be aware of that when you speak to her. I would give her chance to apologise but otherwise just tell her it's not working out.

I would want to know exactly what sort of response she was expecting?

timshelthechoice your posts have given me lots of food for thought....especially given what you went through.....I'm really appreciating your input (even if I'm not exactly following your advice!)

ForeverFluff I was kind of thinking along those lines.....but now I think she's fucked up too much.

MrGsFancyNewVagina yeah some of our mutual "friends" have been really off with me this week....guess I know why now though!

I don't want drama

I just want to know why my friend of (nearly!) 20 years has suddenly decided me or my family are vicious enough to do this after giving her space on the cheap in our fucking home, and why she is now backing down.....

It's really fucked my head.

The classic MN line is...

She has shown you who she is.

End of.

So tell her that you have had a rethink and you let her stay to save money so she could sort her financials out.

Since she can afford now to buy expensive things and to socialize, you feel the plan has worked and it is time for her to move into her own home.

She does know I'm on MN!!

But she doesn't know my usermane(s)

But I mean this is obviously about her...so she might have read it??

The trouble is, OP, by staying out of your way for days, she's left it so long that you're going to look like the unreasonable one if you make a huge deal about it now.

She has BU and has clearly realised that she made a mistake and was thoroughly out of order otherwise she wouldn't have avoided you for days.

My advice is to let it go now and rise above it. She looks like a twat, your family think she's a twat and she has to live with them - I think that's better punishment than you confronting her and having it out with her. Let her stew in the awkwardness of it all.

That said, it's your house and if you don't want her staying there any more, you're fully entitled to ask her to leave.

Barbourella is fucking brilliant....wish I could change the title now!!

OP I’m sorry but all this hysteria? You’re making a massive drama out of this. I was with you last night but when I read your post this morning saying you’ll do another thread as boy is there some updating to do I thought okay, they’ve had it out, there’s been a massive row or something....

Came onto this thread and there is literally no update apart from she’s sent you 1 text?

Look, I’d be pissed off and hurt too in your situation, but I think it’s probably best if you just text saying ‘you’re my friend, I love you, my family loves you and I want to still continue to be your friend but honestly, no one in this household touched your coat and I think you know that. As an aside, we’re really struggling financially at the moment as you know and in all honesty, I think we need to stop the you living with us arrangement in the next few weeks as we may need to take in a lodger to help pay the bills in the next few months. Nothing personal I promise and I don’t want this to affect our friendship but this was never going to be a long term arrangement.’ Or you say you need some space back in the house as with your dad there too things are getting cramped.

All this meetings and bullet points and hand wringing and posts are just pointless. She’s hurt you, the damage may not be irrevocable, you probably both need time to lick your wounds and cool off a bit and it’ll be hard to do with her living in your house.

I totally accept you like the support of MN (haven’t we all on occasion) but this is kinda a non situation now as you either ask her to leave but in a nice way and hopefully remain friends or you ask her to leave and it results in the end of your friendship. The coat is so irrelevant now.

@LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut Regarding the rip, is it a straight, single tear or cut, or does it turn a 90 degree corner, to make a little "flap"? You mentioned it being 5mm x 5mm in an old post and that caught my eye - it implies this rip runs in two directions, not a straight line.

If it IS a corner type rip, then I can pretty much assure you that it's been caught on a point (like a nail, or a sharp corner of a table). Woven fabrics rip this way when caught on a single sharp point. She could have caught her coat on anything, from a shopping trolley to a door into a bar, anything with a small sharp point and a little bit of velocity from her moving would do it.

I dare say some people will disagree with me here, but tbh IP, I’d secretly record your conversation with her, because she willtwust it. If she gets angry and admits it repeats her accusations, you have evidence to play to your mutual friends. She’s definitely trying to turn them against you. Protect yourself.

Maybe she's read it... Doesn't change anything. You may never know why she's done a 180 bitch, but - don't waste time trying to get into her head. She's a snake. You're all better than that. Put your foot down.

I hadn't RTFT when I last responded, but I feel your hurt and frustration as a similar thing happened to me years ago.

When I was 18 I went on holiday with a friend and my dad basically gave her half her spending money as she was short. Halfway through the holiday we went to stay with separate friends (it was Ibiza) at the same time as a big chunk of her money was stolen.

After we got back I heard from friends that she was saying it was me who stole it, but when I confronted her she didn't want to talk about it. Four years later we bumped into each other and chatted and she asked why I'd been cold for so long. When I explained, she just said incredulously "Look Xxxxx, I can't even remember that!!" Such a kick in the stomach,,,

I think you’ve handled it well. I’d want to know why she accused you, what she thought she’d get out of it.

@ScreamingLadySutch Please be kind, OP

Which point of any of OP's posts suggest she wouldn't be? Why do you feel the need to tell the unfairly accused party to be 'kind' when clearly her friend hasn't felt the need to?

God it pisses me off when women are urged over all else to be 'kind'.

I’d secretly record your conversation ... you have evidence to play to your mutual friends

Don't do this. Completely pathetic. Keep your side of the street clean OP.

Does she normally start her text "mate", is that her usual style? because that's more often a term men use and it doesn't seem phrased like the others. Just wondering if the stirring male friend has helped write its.

“I just want to know why my friend of (nearly!) 20 years has suddenly decided me or my family are vicious enough to do this after giving her space on the cheap in our fucking home, and why she is now backing down.....”

I’ve read your Threads this morning OP and I think as an outsider until now it’s fairly obvious why the above has happened- she’s lost her temper- probably from the stress of living with others, as kind as you’ve been she’s basically homeless and that’s stressful - and now she’s backing down because she’s calmed down. I suspect you’ll get a explanation and apology later

This doesn’t excuse her- at all- but An explanation (as you say you want) never will, it will only explain

Surely there are just two possible solutions here:

1. She's no longer welcome because of what she did. If so, she has a very small amount of time to get out.

1. You let her stay.

Not any harder than that really. I'd be taking option 1 and she would have to be gone by the latest Friday 4pm.

KindOranges you speak a lot of sense.

As do a lot of you.

Wish

I get what your saying, I really do and actually your last bit is actually what I';m kind of going with but I want to give her the chance to apologise.

Either way, I think the end result (unless she is fucking really sorry- which I doubt) is going to be asking her to leave.

It's kind of right, it's not about the coat anymore, it's about
a) she thinks of us like that
b) she's getting a bloody good deal and didn't fucking appreciate it
c) she's taking the the piss ,money wise

i've been with you OP but i would really like you to exercise some caution here. this thread has been full of very invested people outraged on your behalf and this could well be clouding your judgment and whipping up more of a storm than needs be. the posters on here don't know you or your friend. this isn't their actual real life. so please take the more dramatic responses with some caution.

i would also stop the texting. just speak to her tonight, calmly, ask her what made her accuse you in such a way and see if there is a reason. if you say this is out of character there must be something else going on.

good luck.

Someone mentioned it coming across as bullying if you all sit down with her. If it had only been the op that was accused then maybe it would be best for just the op to talk to Barbourella. However Barbourella has accused the whole family so it's entirely fair for them all to get their say and defend themselves against her ridiculous accusation.

I hope you all manage to remain calm and that she will have the good grace to leave your house without you having to ask. Personally I couldn't stand to have someone who thinks so little of me continue to abuse my hospitality.

OP is it possible that someone, eg barbour boy, is dripping poison into her ear?

I saw this happen with some friends of mine. Friends A and B had been really close friends for many years. New friend of B was jealous that she'd never have that closeness so engaged in a campaign of drip, drip, drip toxicity about A. A knew something was up but couldn't work out why B was being increasing hostile. Then B blew up at her and all hell let loose. It was only when I stepped in and asked B what the hell she was playing at that she began to see how she'd been dancing to her new friend's tune. New friend got dumped and A and B are close again, thankfully.

Is this a possibility?