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Original poster

CoatZilla and the Barbour Boy- The Second Saga

792 replies

LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 29/10/2019 11:09

Hey everyone!

Bloody hell, in all my years of MNing I've never had a response like this, I was really helped by loads of your replies, and loads made me giggle (Roast Potatoes!!) and loads made good points.

I'm sorry I can't reply to specific posts but seriously there's so many.

Wine Brew Cake or Gin for everyone who replied and is sticking with me.

So on to the update.....

CoatZilla, henceforth to be known as CZ, text again last night....

Here it is word for word.
mate, your obviously upset and that was never my intention. I'm sorry that we argued, I honestly didn't see the conversation going that way when I brought it up. I think it's better we let the dust settle for tonight in honesty. Probably best to have a calm conversation tomorrow evening?

My reply....
Yeah tomorrow evening much better I think

And she didn't come back last night (good!)

So she's made a mistake anyway......cos Dad was actually out last night ! So we'll all be sitting there when she comes back.

My plan is, to write a list of bullet points for tonight of things she definitely said, so I can't forget and she can't back out of it or claim she didn't say it (I also remembered another bit in the fucking row- where she went "Oh, so a fucking ghost did it?" in that tone of voice- fucking horrible)

Also to sit calmly and let her explain to my lovely Dad and DP that she thinks they might have maliciously cut her coat.

Then see what she says!

TBH unless she fucking grovels on her knees (not likely after that fucking last text- minimization or what??) I'm going to be asking her to pack her stuff.

I'm not being "spurred on by hysterical posters"

I have read all the replies, some have opened my eyes, some have been excusing, some have told me not to rock the friendship boat....overall I have taken a middle(ish) ground.....but tbh it's clear she is
a) weird/horrible enough to think that of her oldest friend and her family
b) fucking vicious in a row
c) now backtracking massively

So....thoughts???

And again for the troll hunters in the back......my username currently is always "LanaKanesomething", and I've had various other names going back years.....so bloody well report me and see what MN has to say, yeah?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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AutumnalBliss · 29/10/2019 12:18

OP, we have had a few Barbour coats between us (live in country and live near an outlet) and on a few occasions I have looked at them and they have split and it does look like someone has gone at it with scissors.
This is particularly true of ones that are padded and have individual little circles with white cotton-wool like filling. You can catch it and this happens.

Secondly, I think you have had a smooth running relationship, but now you have seen her true colours. Her small shit is much more important than your friendship/ your life. She sounds massively self centred TBH. It's just a bloody coat. Fancy accusing someone, their DH, Dad or child without proof! How old is she anyway. Boo hoo, someone cut my coat. Is she 9?

Butchyrestingface · 29/10/2019 12:18

Irrespective of whether she’s genuinely sorry (and she might be, only she can truly know) I think she still needs to go.

The current living arrangements seem to have brought strain to the friendship and as OP and her family are not well off, why put themselves out for someone who has all this money to spunk on expensive jackets?

Time to pull the plug.

Original poster
LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut · 29/10/2019 12:18

Gertrude it is a corner....like part of a triangle!!

But yeah it sure ain't just about the coat now.....

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 29/10/2019 12:22

It definitely seems like her living with you has, for some reason, massively affected her view of you - whether she is jealous or feeling superior or that you are disposable as a friend.

Hope it goes well tonight.

I think living together can have a big impact on a pre-existing friendship. I would never be able to live with either of my two oldest friends as we would drive each other nuts. We have such different lifestyles and views now, though we still love each other dearly.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/10/2019 12:22

is she back yet ??

Abitofalark · 29/10/2019 12:23

On a note of caution, my suggestion would be to play it cool and don't lock her out or tell her to pack and go, thereby making her homeless, as she is a lodger paying rent - albeit a low rate - so legally entitled to reasonable notice. You don't want to incur any kind of landlord legal drama, trouble and strife in what is already a vexed situation. If you do suggest she leave, make it fairly open-ended, as in that you think it best for all concerned that she start planning alternative living arrangements over the next few weeks as you do not want to continue to provide accommodation in the longer term.

3luckystars · 29/10/2019 12:26

If this was a relationship break up, there would be similar replies. When you break up with a good friend, it very upsetting too!

Yes, She has treated you very badly but if that's only one time in 17 years then you have had over 6000 good days and only 1 bad day, that's pretty good and worth forgiving if she is a good good friend.

Maybe like he others have said, she has something else going on but you are not her punching bag, and whatever happens she is never allowed to do that to you again. This is the start of a real change now.

You dont have to reply here, but stick to your 3 points today when she returns, stay calm and if she apologises then decide what to do. You dont have to make any decisions today. Good luck.

LonginesPrime · 29/10/2019 12:28

it's entirely fair for them all to get their say and defend themselves against her ridiculous accusation

This isn't a court of law though - the friend isn't going on and on about it now and there is no consequence to 'the accused' of this woman thinking they did it. So why do they need to defend themselves?

The woman had an ill-judged strop because her expensive coat was damaged then laid low for a few days - if she comes back to a huge family confrontation about it, I think it would be a huge overreaction.

OP, I get why you're pissed off with her, but she sounded ridiculous when you explained she'd conducted 'tests' on the coat and now you're in danger of appearing just as ridiculous as her.

Potnoodledoo · 29/10/2019 12:31

On a note of caution, my suggestion would be to play it cool and don't lock her out or tell her to pack and go, thereby making her homeless, as she is a lodger paying rent - albeit a low rate - so legally entitled to reasonable notice. You don't want to incur any kind of landlord legal drama, trouble and strife in what is already a vexed situation. If you do suggest she leave, make it fairly open-ended, as in that you think it best for all concerned that she start planning alternative living arrangements over the next few weeks as you do not want to continue to provide accommodation in the longer term.

She has no rights,its basically rent a room

AdultFishcakes · 29/10/2019 12:31

Whilst not ideal she’s for the first time shown a dot of remorse.

Now if it were me that would not be enough to keep her under my roof but could be enough to save the friendship (after cooling off period).

What is paramount here OP is you decide what you want to do and chat with her alone.

The trust’s broken though - that’s a given. To try and move forward would take big strides on both parts and if I’m being honest I think she’d just let you down again and again.

And for all the folk accusing OP of being an obsessive - fuck off. When someone you love and trust turns on you like that it really blows your doors of perception off their hinges.

Butchyrestingface · 29/10/2019 12:33

On a note of caution, my suggestion would be to play it cool and don't lock her out or tell her to pack and go, thereby making her homeless, as she is a lodger paying rent - albeit a low rate - so legally entitled to reasonable notice

Who determines ‘reasonable notice’ though? OP and her “pal” may have rather different interpretations of that.

Btw, @LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut, you do realise that it’s you she will blame for the jacket filleting, not your father, husband or son?

SandAndSea · 29/10/2019 12:35

Building on Wishupon's post, I think I might suggest texting:

"You’re my friend, I love you, my family loves you and I want to still continue to be your friend but honestly, no one in this household touched your coat. I think you know that and will understand that we're all really hurt at the moment. I really don’t want this to affect our friendship long-term so I think it's probably best if we all take some time to lick our wounds and that this is probably best done with more distance between us. We all knew our living situation was always going to be temporary anyway so let's talk about that tonight. We can help you move your stuff out on Saturday."

RightYesButNo · 29/10/2019 12:35

I’ve been lurking this thread since the beginning and said nowt (oh wait, I did make a comment in horror about the roasties) but... it’s a triangle rip? Are you serious? And she thought a seven year old cut that intentionally with scissors? It’s almost certainly been ripped on a sharp corner or jutting nail, like @Gertrudesgarden has said. Cannot believe her and her merry band of outerwear detectives couldn’t figure that one out. Perhaps some brain cells have been removed and replaced with Barbour coat insulation? Who can say?

Anyway, I don’t have a great feeling about tonight, OP. You’re going to try to be rational, bring up what she said last time, get straight answers, and I guarantee in her desperation to keep her cushy situation, she’ll say she made a terrible mistake, was under pressure from something else, and turn on the waterworks. Whatever happened last night made her realize that she’s got nowhere else to go (probably Barbour Boy said she couldn’t stay with him, as PP surmised), and I think it likely she’s going to be very emotionally manipulative in the discussion tonight to get you to let her stay. Hopefully I’m wrong, good luck, and ehhhhh more Gin can’t hurt! ... maybe more roasties Barbourella can’t get her hands on as well Halloween Grin

Roussette · 29/10/2019 12:36

Oh dear. Just been out and caught up.

The ghost comment is awful. Just tell her that her saying that means she is 100% accusing you or your family of doing it.

But... I think you need to decide what you want. Do you want to preserve the friendship? Or will the resentment of what's happened forever colour what you had? Do you think it can ever go back to what it was like before all this?

I thought my fall out with friend of 50 years could go back to how it was. But my goodness I had to re-evaluate the whole thing. I tried really hard to make it all good again but there is only so far you can extend an olive branch if someone won't take it. I'm sounding like I was at fault here, I wasn't, my friend behaved appallingly but I thought I could put it behind us. Bit like your situation lana.

So I think what I'm saying is... it all depends on how apologetic she is tonight. For everything she has done. If she isn't, I'm afraid the friendship is doomed.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 29/10/2019 12:37

I think @SandAndSea's message is a good one. I don't honestly see what you'll get out of sitting down to talk with her, however that message makes your feelings clear and allows for a future friendship to continue.

Rosesareredder · 29/10/2019 12:40

Could someone post a link to the original al thread? Smile

Butchyrestingface · 29/10/2019 12:40

The ghost comment is awful

It’s like something your mother said to you as a child. 😂

”Well, who did eat all the Easter eggs in the cupboard if it wasn’t you? Was it daddy? Are you saying it was a GHOST???”

DartmoorDoughnut · 29/10/2019 12:41

Hope you manage to resolve it all and that she says sorry to your DS

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/10/2019 12:41

I followed your previous post all day yesterday, @LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut, and was pretty horrified at your friend's behaviour - and it definitely sounds as if she is trying hard to back-pedal now. I'm glad you aren't going to let her.

I think taking a middle-ish ground is the sensible approach, and I hope it goes well tonight.

MissEliza · 29/10/2019 12:47

What was the ghost comment? I have read through this thread and I can't find it.

Abitofalark · 29/10/2019 12:48

Butchyresting, yes indeed.
CAB:
'If you share living space with your landlord , you're likely to have an excluded licence, and will therefore have a right to 'reasonable' notice. There are no set rules about what is reasonable, but it will depend on things like:
•how long you’ve lived there
•the length of time between your rent period
Your landlord can’t give you less than reasonable notice - it doesn’t matter what notice period they’ve put in your agreement. '

Basically, making people homeless is regarded by the law as a serious matter so must be done with consideration.

Potnoodle: I hope for your sake you never rent out a room. Rude awakening awaits, if you do and you turf out a lodger without notice.

FetchezLaVache · 29/10/2019 12:50

It's in the OP of this thread, @MissEliza.

INeedNewShoes · 29/10/2019 12:52

Just in case you're in any doubt OP, a pp's suggestion to record the conversation is a dreadful idea. There's nothing to be gained from that.

I would start the conversation by saying that the accusation was so unexpected and that you're terribly hurt by it. Then give her an opportunity to talk.

I disagree with some pp's sentiments that a 20 year friendship is always worth fighting for. Sometimes for the good of both parties you have to let friendships go. But before you do that you need to be sure there isn't more to this like some sort of breakdown or a mutual 'friend' engineering the situation.

SlideyFuckers · 29/10/2019 12:53

I think she's bought a stolen coat and it's where the security tag was. You should mention this to her later.

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