CoatZilla and the Barbour Boy- The Second Saga

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

Hey everyone!

Bloody hell, in all my years of MNing I've never had a response like this, I was really helped by loads of your replies, and loads made me giggle (Roast Potatoes!!) and loads made good points.

I'm sorry I can't reply to specific posts but seriously there's so many.

or for everyone who replied and is sticking with me.

So on to the update.....

CoatZilla, henceforth to be known as CZ, text again last night....

Here it is word for word.
mate, your obviously upset and that was never my intention. I'm sorry that we argued, I honestly didn't see the conversation going that way when I brought it up. I think it's better we let the dust settle for tonight in honesty. Probably best to have a calm conversation tomorrow evening?

My reply....
Yeah tomorrow evening much better I think

And she didn't come back last night (good!)

So she's made a mistake anyway......cos Dad was actually out last night ! So we'll all be sitting there when she comes back.

My plan is, to write a list of bullet points for tonight of things she definitely said, so I can't forget and she can't back out of it or claim she didn't say it (I also remembered another bit in the fucking row- where she went "Oh, so a fucking ghost did it?" in that tone of voice- fucking horrible)

Also to sit calmly and let her explain to my lovely Dad and DP that she thinks they might have maliciously cut her coat.

Then see what she says!

TBH unless she fucking grovels on her knees (not likely after that fucking last text- minimization or what??) I'm going to be asking her to pack her stuff.

I'm not being "spurred on by hysterical posters"

I have read all the replies, some have opened my eyes, some have been excusing, some have told me not to rock the friendship boat....overall I have taken a middle(ish) ground.....but tbh it's clear she is
a) weird/horrible enough to think that of her oldest friend and her family
b) fucking vicious in a row
c) now backtracking massively

So....thoughts???

And again for the troll hunters in the back......my username currently is always "LanaKanesomething", and I've had various other names going back years.....so bloody well report me and see what MN has to say, yeah?

Excellent idea about bullet pointing.

She's realised she's been an arsehole but instead of admitting it and apologising she is gaslighting you into thinking that it was nothing, she didnt accuse you and it's all in your head.

So bullet points and throw her words back her.

And then her bags.

Fucking bitch.
And my initial response to this was to salvage the friendship.

Nah.

OK well, I'd hear her out. Look at her expectantly and see what she comes up with. Anything less than OMG I have no idea what came over me, or a decent explanation followed by apology means that the friendship is over really.

She'll drop you like a hot brick once she's bought the place, she already has! You said so yourself, she doesn't invite you out anywhere with these supposedly mutual friends and you know at least two of them are snobs who look down on you.

Actually that's a good point.

I agree with breathe. Frame it in a way that it will be better for you all in the long run. But don't let her gaslight you. You didn't argue, she accused you and your family. If she is truly remorseful she could say sorry for coming across like that, but she's still pinning this on your completely normal reaction to being accused of something. Plus you need to make it clear her behaviour in front of DS was unacceptable.

Just read PP by timshelthechoice and completely agree. This was already the final nail in the coffin. Just use the 'meeting' to give her notice. Don't go into any details of who said what - it'll just muddy the central issue of her needing to get out of your home / life.

It does sound like she’s regrets what she said, but just be aware that she will probably turn it round on you still. The best line of defence is attack afterall

On a tangent, Barbour jackets are bloody ugly. You couldn't pay me to wear one. Whichever nail she caught it on did her a favour.

I might previously have been tempted to say she's embarrassed, said stupid things in the heat of the moment, regrets it and will come back with a nice bottle of wine or something for you, be full of apologies.

BUT THIS IS NOT THE CASE

I think that rather than the above, she's minimising and backtracking. She actively recruited someone to "test" her theory afterwards. That isn't a heat of the moment thing, it's a spiteful and planned thing.

She's an absolute nob and I cannot believe that she a.) accused your family b.) didn't come and speak to you afterwards as a priority to try and fix things and c.) actually expects to still stay at yours with what's happened.

What a weirdo she is! I like CoatZilla, I was going to suggest SnipZilla

I'd be interested to hear how she thought the conversation would go.

If the boot was on the other foot, and you had accused her of deliberately vandalising her prized possessions, how does she honestly think she would have taken it? Let alone having her son, father and husband accused?!

But yes, those are the questions I'd be asking with a rather amused look on my face.

And the next question would be, so where does she think we are going to, from here?

I think BarbourBoy is egging her on as he want to get in her unsnipped with scissors pants and can offer her a place to crash once you chuck her out

I also think he was responsible for the pedantry over the 20 years/17 years ...you sent that text and she read it out, and there was nit picking about the actual details

She has suddenly got cold feet about BarbourBoy and is now backtracking so fast....

Could it be that the person she stayed with last night as made it clear that she won't be able to stay with them long term and thats why she is back peddling?

Probably, or she's realised how much it's going to cost to keep herself as a normal adult. No more constant socialising (the OP says she's out all the time with all these mates) and £200 jackets.

Friends just wouldn't act like this. Friends would never sit and meal plan on £30 a week and eat part of that food when they're living in your house for a pittance running up the bills. They'd offer to cover the shop and feel bad about this and likely move out and suggest you take in a lodger paying market rate to help you rather than hinder you.

She's openly said in her message that she's back peddaling because she didn't see the conversation going that way.
I can't see how else she thought it was going to go, but clearly it did blow up and she was taken aback by it.
In terms of what you shouted at each other, it's so easy to get swept up in the moment and say things that you don't mean, especially if you're predisposed to being vicious during a row as some people are.

Long term, are you willing to lose a friendship over this? Asking her to leave will absolutely be the nail in the coffin for it, as what should have been a quick conversation 'my jacket has a hole in, do you know how it happened? No, okay fine' has escalated into her losing her home. However, it is your home first and if you are no longer comfortable sharing it with someone where the trust has gone on both sides (understandable) then of course she needs to move out. But that will be the end of it all for you.

Good luck today.

My thoughts, for what they are worth, are that she has realised she has jeopardised her sweet deal on accommodation and knows she has no one else who will take her in for such a low rent. So now she is back tracking in the hope you will continue to let her stay.

I personally would not let her stay in the circumstances but you may well be a better person than me!

I think it's one of two things...she is either going through something and lost the plot with you over something completely non important.

Or she didn't think the conversation would go that way because she though you would take a more passive stance and she would be able to make you feel like a bad guy when really maybe she feels like the power balance has shifted and she's not comfortable with being so much in your debt even if you don't feel that way.

Maybe it's both.

I think your right to have a list of points you want to address, I also think that maybe you should discuss some bigger issues are you all still happy living together? Do things need to change financial...maybe you can use this as a way to change things....or she could come back be a complete bitch and then you still know where you stand.

I thought that highheels until I remembered the callous 'testing'

Yeah- when I remembered the "ghost" comment and the way she said it....kind of made me rethink how much I was prepared to do.

I know loads of people think I should just chuck her out, but this is a house with 3 adults, all of whom consider her their friend as well, that she accused, and we are all so hurt by it, that I just want her to sit down and explain why she thought all this to my lovely DP and Dad face 2 face (maybe it fucking is a bit shitty/evil/drama queen to want her to do this- but she was the drama queen first - fucking testing coats and chatting to others like Miss Marple has pissed me off the more I fucking think about tbh)
Maybe if the conversation goes well, we can work something out.....

But tbh after her text last I suspect I'm gonna get gaslighted, and it's going to be minimized....so we might have to take a break from this arrangement.

Neither jumping in or letting it go IYSWIM

I wouldn't bullet-point it either; or, anyway, I'd do it for me to get my head straight, but not actually wield them during the conversation.

All the 'honestly' and 'I'm sorry that we argued' is very disingenuous.

I would confront how different her description of the conversation is to reality.

For example, her: "Never expected the conversation to go that way"

Your reply: "when you said 'oh so a fucking ghost did it' how on earth did you expect the conversation to go?"

Is she trying to impress Barbour Boy?

Oh my word ! Like others have said, she has massively taken advantage of your good nature. I really hope you get it sorted (after much arse licking on her part ) as a 20 year friendship is a big deal to lose. Good luck. Ps. I hope your little boy is ok after all this, my sister was a total fucking nightmare, used to get drunk and start big arguments in front of my kids, came to a point of no return with us as I couldn't have them witnessing that and my life has been a far better place without her in it. Again, good luck.

She spent a week building a case against your family with her consulting friends and doing test snips on old Barbours and whinging about 'time frames'.

The fact she has enlisted others into her mad idea means the friendship is over imo.
She has been very calculating in making you the baddy.

I definitely wouldn’t want her staying any longer. If she regretted flying off the handle like that, she’d have apologised not minimised things.

^This absolutely, she isn't sorry at all; she's back-pedalling so that she doesn't lose her cushy living situation.

As far as people saying its like a soap opera, this is all on her. If she'd just left it after the first comment of you saying, oh no idea how that happened. As pp have said more likely car door etc. Then she'd still be happily living there with give and take on both sides.