to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

@Hey1256

Sorry to read your posts and how low you are feeling. Don't apologise for bringing attention to this, if it helps to talk on this thread, talk away.

I have one DS. With severe ADHD. And he gives me no motivation or purpose. He gives me a constant necessity to supervise. He gives me daily struggles. He gives me backchat and bad language. He gives me constant stress trying to explain his behaviour to a teacher, or parent who is angry at something he's said or done.

Does he take up nearly all of my time with his additional needs? Yup. Does it give me purpose? No.

Would you want my situation just because it gave you something to fill your day with? Believe me, I'd take being bored over this for the last decade.

Have you considered fostering? I might be totally barking up the wrong tree because I know nothing about fostering, maybe it's something you could research?

Plus, as was pointed out before, the children who exist to bring 'meaning' to their parents' lives will grow up and become adults themselves, perhaps looking for a 'meaning' to life that can only be found by having children. And on and on it goes....

If child-rearing is so fulfilling - why haven't men (who have had the upper hand throughout history) not taken it from women?

The whole notion that raising children is supposed to be 'fulfilling' would have struck most mothers as very strange until about the 1950s, when the cult of domesticity encouraged women to seek domestic bliss and vacate the jobs they had 'taken' from men during the war.

Until then, poorer women didn't do much by way of 'rearing' children, as they'd have been so busy either with paid jobs or with running the home - much more onerous then than now - to do all that 'nurturing' stuff. As for wealthy women, they generally paid someone else to do all that 'fulfilling' child rearing. "Downton Abbey" wasn't particularly historically accurate, but the scenes in which Lady Mary inspected her washed, fed son for about 10 minutes after dinner before handing him back to his nanny would have been quite typical for the time.

Throughout the vast bulk of history, motherhood was just something that happened, whether women wanted it or not. The idea of it being 'fulfilling' and giving 'meaning' to life simply wouldn't have occured to anyone until quite recently.

If Mumsnet had existed when I had kids, I think I would be child free right now - threads like this would have stopped me. I had serious reservations about having kids. I loved my job, I loved travelling and going out. I was happy. I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who told me regularly that she regretted having kids and I was convinced there was some big conspiracy amongst all those that said that having kids was great, and that really it was shit. I wasn’t even sure I’d like my kids. I genuinely thought of it as letting someone I didn’t know, and might not like, come and live with us. An unwanted house guest that stayed for 18 years. If I hadn’t had kids, I don’t think I would have ever regretted it.

But I knew that there was a chance that it might not be awful and my husband was desperate for kids. So I have two kids and they are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I shudder to think that I could have taken a different path. I wouldn’t have been unhappy but I would not have known what I was missing.

But I was lucky. Lightning fast conception, easy births and smiley kids who slept through pretty much straight away. I kept very quiet during NCT meet ups as everyone was really struggling in the early days.

Perhaps some if it is down to expectations. I think for those who crave kids and struggle though infertility, the reality doesn’t meet the hype. Whereas I was expecting it to be shit. So rehabs threads like this help to manage expectations for the natural optimists out there.

I get annoyed at people in the U.K, moaning that their life is boring. you KNOW that you have a life that is a million times better than other people.

That's just ridiculous. Just because some child in Romania got beaten with a rod doesn't mean that I can't find my life shit and ultimately pointless, even if it's easy/comfortable. Somebody will always be worse off than you, it doesn't invalidate your feelings.

You clearly have a positive outlook on life. Some of us don't, who knows why - maybe just my brain, maybe being bullied as a teenager, maybe going into the wrong career with no easy way out, or how much I disagree with the entire way our capitalist society is set up. I do find a lot of life drudgery, depressing, joyless and a pisstake - like the fact we have to work for 25 years just to own a small house! People like you don't help. Seeing poverty doesn't just magically make me a happy, fulfilled person.

@Hey1256, I'm sorry for your loss, I totally get everything you're saying. In fact I could have written it myself.

So I have two kids and they are honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me

Reading things like this is the main reason I'd be convinced to have them. It could be the best thing and I'd want to know what that was like. Whereas all the other "best things" I can think of - winning lottery, being successful in my dream job - wouldn't feel THAT great at the end of the day, and the "best things" I've already achieved - wedding, degree - are in the past.

I was convinced there was some big conspiracy amongst all those that said that having kids was great, and that really it was shit. I wasn’t even sure I’d like my kids. I genuinely thought of it as letting someone I didn’t know, and might not like, come and live with us. An unwanted house guest that stayed for 18 years.

Pregnant with my first and I’ve had the exact same thoughts about the conspiracy and the house guest thing @womblemum - thank you so much for posting. It’s so reassuring to hear that it all worked out well for you.

all the other "best things" I can think of - winning lottery, being successful in my dream job - wouldn't feel THAT great at the end of the day

Winning the lottery wouldn’t feel that great - really? I think it would feel bloody amazing!

I’m so sorry for your loss @Hey1256

Winning the lottery wouldn’t feel that great - really? I think it would feel bloody amazing!

Well, OK, it would - but loads of people who win the lottery end up in the DM years later having blown all the money on strippers/cocaine and are back to their day job.

I'd like to think I would spend it more wisely and would be happier for it - buy a nice house, do an expensive course to retrain, buy a workshop/studio for new business. But money clearly isn't the be all and end all, as lots of rich people get depressed too. Look at how many celebrities have killed themselves or are utterly miserable.

I always wanted kids but it was fucking hard esp in the early days. I found the adjustment difficult. DS was also a a nightmare toddler and young child and I did have moments of wishing I just had dd.
However now they’re teens and despite the teenage ‘stuff’ they are v good company and ds in particular cracks me up. Def don’t wish I didn’t have him now!

@angell84 I agree with you.

Having kids is a huge gamble!
There is a huge difference between having a child who is NT and will leave home at some point to live an independent life vs a child with additional needs who will never really be independent. You don't know when you get pregnant which of these you will get.

I am lucky. I have 3 NT kids. I had 3 under 5 and a husband in the forces, so it was somewhat hard.

BUT nowhere near as hard as some people on here. I understand why lots of people would regret /think twice about having kids. Me, I dont, but I appreciate how lucky I have been, in terms of having some support, being able to work etc. I am hugely lucky. My dc are now 15, 13 and 11. I enjoy being a mum to teens, surprisingly. DH and I are looking forward to a time when we can do other things. I still have a happy marriage.

But I still sympathise with the OP. Having kids is a huge impact on anyone's life. And, as a 70s child, I also relate to posts about parenting being a competitive sport nowadays. I absolutely get why people have regrets, even if I dont.

I think 99% of women would rewind the clock if they could have foreseen how God dam hard it is having children. Love my kids, die for them without a second thought. That's not to say life isn't infinitely more stressful with dcs

I always joke that I was missold parenting ( and being a adult full stop). I have four, all of them possibly have Sen but two are in SEN schools. I have struggled massively to appeal and get them into the right schools.

I wouldn’t go back and not have them. But the idea that grandparents would be involved, or my sister was just batshit crazy far from the truth. It’s a massive physical and mental burden and mostly it falls to me.

We have zero to fall back on. I had stupidly no idea sEN was on the cards being a graduate myself. I did think I could have it all, I used to be a programmer. However now I’m a sham and I don’t want a high flying job and this massive responsibility. I was doing two things well but always felt on the verge of a breakdown which no one noticed. I don’t miss work.

It get easier by 6 then harder again about 12. But I would never undo them. Is is shit being a parent some days? Absolutely. There are days weeks and months when it’s a thankless joyless struggle. Then they do something that balances that out

What this thread shows (to me) is that having a baby is a gamble, and perhaps one that a lot of people don't appreciate beforehand.

You could have an easy child, family support, good finances and love it, or you could have a child with SEN and find it incredibly difficult.

Or you could have the easiest child in the world and not enjoy it for a wide variety of reasons. You could think you'll hate it, and end up loving it!

I guess you have to weigh up all of that and try and do what you think is best for you.

I always joke that I was missold parenting ( and being a adult full stop). I have four, all of them possibly have Sen but two are in SEN schools. I have struggled massively to appeal and get them into the right schools.

No disrespect, but if you found having children so hard, why on earth did you have 4 of them?

* I think 99% of women would rewind the clock if they could have foreseen how God dam hard it is having children.*

Wtf? No. No where near 99%

No disrespect, but if you found having children so hard, why on earth did you have 4 of them?

This about sums it up for me. Most people who say they regret it say "if only they knew what it would be like" or "had their time again" they would have chosen differently. But they did have a time when they knew exactly what it was like from personal experience (after having one), and chose to go again (and often again after that, and sometimes a forth time). If your own personal experience of hating something doesn't stop you, you can hardly say you were misold by society.

So while it's fair to hate parenting, I call bs when anyone with multiple dc says they would now choose differently. They had multiple chances to do so and didn't.

Yeah it's kind of like saying "I really hated Barcelona the first time I went. I've now been there 4 times."

I could maybe understand having one more kid if you didn't want your child to be an only child, but 4?

I don't really understand why women feel they need to have children to give a meaning to live. How does bringing more humans into an already overpopulated world give meaning to your life? How does spending the next x amount of years suffering from lack of sleep give meaning? Or possibly ruining your marriage or your health?

As for basically having a child because you are bored well I have heard it all. Get a dog or a cat, do voluntary work, start your own business. There are plenty of ways to cope with boredom and if you think changing nappies, washing, cleaning etc for years is not boring then you have a different view of boredom

I don't really understand why women feel they need to have children to give a meaning to live. How does bringing more humans into an already overpopulated world give meaning to your life? How does spending the next x amount of years suffering from lack of sleep give meaning? Or possibly ruining your marriage or your health?

Especially when, as has been mentioned, those children who you had to 'give meaning to your life' are eventually going to grow up to be - let's face it probably rather average - adults who will also be seeking meaning for their lives.

Yeah it's kind of like saying "I really hated Barcelona the first time I went. I've now been there 4 times."

This really made me laugh