to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

Just out of interest, for those saying they have some element of regret, how old are your children? I was devastated by motherhood when my DC was born, so overwhelming and I was relatively young, got PND both times. I felt like such an oddity, to this day holding a baby brings back that feeling of entrapment. But now they're school aged I'm enjoying it much more, quite lucky with the mum/life balance I have generally now and I kind of panic that my youngest will be 18 by the time I am 44, will there be an element of regret at getting it done quickly, what will fill my day (I have a good career and love to travel, I'm not exactly a mumsy mum so it's weird to feel like this) so I'm getting feelings of broodiness- is this Mother Nature tricking me? Is it societal expectation of wanting to experience both genders (as I feel I get that rammed down my throat a fair bit) is it my monthly hormones (as I fluctuate from broodiness to hell no) or will it all become horrendously difficult again when they're teenagers, as I know I am in the fun bit of parenting.

I suppose I'm wondering for those who've been parenting longer than me if their feelings have fluctuated, if overall it's been more negative than positive, and when they get to 18(ish I appreciate it's older for some!) is there an element of relief?

@ItIsWhatItIsInnit I totally agree, travelling gets boring just like everything else.

I've been to probably a similar amount of
Countries 30+ and it doesn't excite me in the same way it used to sadly.

Hobbies get tired after a while.

So I'm not really sure what other 'calling' in life there might be for me to be honest.

@ItIsWhatItIsInnit you were one of the people on here, saying that you were wondering what you could do for the next fifty years.

I said travel.

And you said, that you have done enough travel already.

It amazes me that you can't think of enough things to do - in the next fifty years. There is so much to do in the U.K aswell.

When I was in the U.K, I was in a book club, an art club, a hiking club, a music meet up, I was a singer in a band, and I was in a writing group. My week was so full of things that I loved doing.

There is loads to do!

I decided that I wanted to travel more. Now , I am travelling for the next year.

There is so much to do in the world , at home and abroad.

I am 35 , if it is relevant

@Hey1256 I think it is more an attitude thing then.

If you think that everything is boring, it will be boring.

If you think that there are lots of exciting things to do - you will find them.

My life is precious to me, and I want to as much as I can.

@ImGoingToBangYourHeadsTogether I understand what you are saying completely.

Without trying to hijack the thread either but it's making me quite depressed!

I feel like entering into motherhood is out of lack of fulfilment and this may be unhealthy.

However I am bored of absolutely everything. Literally everything - I appreciate this sounds depressing but I am just don't know what else the answer could be other than to have children.

Children surely give people purpose and a reason/motivation for life?

@angell84 - it could be an attitude thing for sure but that still doesn't help! I've tried to fix/change it nothing seems to work.

I've tried meditation, hobbies, going out, travelling, open mic nights. EVERYTHING.

It still doesn't stop me being miserable mon-Friday.

Career change isn't an option right now but most of the time I'm awake it's just boring drudgery.

I love our DD11mo beyond reason; she was a much longer for IVF baby....but if I could I would happily fast forward until she is reception age with no guilt. Constant strolling because she can’t walk independently yet refuses to crawl.

We’re on holiday in a beautiful part of the UK and have loved showing her around, but OH and I have literally just said to each other that the best parts of the trip have been after 6.30 when she’s in bed.

Yes we will have another if we can manage it because we both want her to have a sibling, but both of us will be dreading the baby years.

I wish somebody would have told. Me, when I was massively struggling with pnd and autism and lack of sleep and labour PTSD.....
....

That it gets easier

You love them more as they grow.
That one day you'll wonder how you lived before you had them.

Honestly it does get easier.
First few years are v v hard.

*stropping

Aw that's sad @Hey1256, I think for me (not to sound blah, but this really is the truth)

For me, it was seeing contrast, that really made me appreciate my life.

I volunteered in a romanian orphanage, and I volunteered in India.

It really made me appreciate myblife, and never complain again. How lucky I am, to even have the ability to travel. Every day is a blessing

I think a lot of the stress and exhaustion women endure, and the associated regrets, is because women do way more than their fair share and lose out much more financially when they have DC, than men do.

This is it in a nutshell basically

@Hey1256

Perhaps think about it from the perspective of your children (if you were to have any)

You sound very depressed bored and negative. To be brutally honest - not exactly the features of someone who is going to make a great mother. And I get you saying that perhaps having children will change them negative features. What if they dont? Your children are stuck with a mother who was unhappy and depressed and bored, took a risk that having a child was going to improve the situation but it didnt (probably makes it worse).

Sorry

Yes, agree with this:

I think a lot of the stress and exhaustion women endure, and the associated regrets, is because women do way more than their fair share and lose out much more financially when they have DC, than men do.

My dh is fab don't get me wrong but works f/t so most of the childcare/admin surrounding childcare falls to me. Plus, whilst he finances it, I do about 90% of the organising for birthdays, Christmas, holiday (packing) etc.
I have a toddler in the house (third child), late in life and I can't help but look around me at couples who are able to go out on their own or without all of the paraphernalia involved. It does get easier - I have a child in their teens and whilst there are challenges, it does seem far less relentless. I think also, I get easily overwhelmed by all of the responsibility. I want time off but with no extended family, it is really difficult...I just wish there was more of a balance to all of this. Agree the pre-school years are the hardest and I am right in the middle of this with my youngest and feel like I'm struggling.

Yes thunder, I would fast forward to reception age too, some people love the toddler stage but I can honestly say that for me they are by far the hardest.

I am also shocked at the people that are bored.

There is so much to do, how can you not feel grateful.

We live in a country, where we have ao many more opportunities than many, many other countries.

When I saw children in an orphanage in Romania. I spoke to one six year old who had been beaten by her mother. She had been beaten by her mother - who used a metal poker, her mother beat her into a coma.
The orphanage saved her from the hospital.

I spoke to one other little boy there, aged 7. His parents had trained him to be a thief from the age of four, and then abandoned him on the streets.

I get annoyed at people in the U.K, moaning that their life is boring. you KNOW that you have a life that is a million times better than other people.

I sympathise, I have 2 DC's one with ASD who has constant anxiety so is either always screaming or wrecking things, totally exhausting and draining, my other NT DS plays up to this to get attention, I enjoy going to work to get a break..Saying that I don't regret having them as my life would feel empty without them, they can be lovely and my life is never boring but I do occasionally look at what I class as the 'normal families' and wish I could swap places for a day!

@Lovemenorca I understand what you're saying no need to apologise. I'm just really at a loss of where the fuck to go with my life then if kids don't feature in it. I feel totally fucked.

Honestly, I'm really sorry to hijack this thread with negativity and depression but I'm honestly feeling very confused right now.

I had a miscarriage on Thursday and the only thing keeping me positive and happy was the baby. Now it's gone I feel like everything's turned to shit.

And to those people saying we should be grateful in the U.K. don't you think I already know this? That's what makes me feel even worse constantly guilty and like an ungrateful bitch. But I can't help how I feel.

Just at a bit of a low point right now. Sorry to turn this thread about me.

Children surely give people purpose and a reason/motivation for life?

Not having a go at you, but sentiments like this really drive home the silliness of the claim that being childfree is 'selfish'. To me, it seems incredibly selfish to create another human being just to give yourself a purpose in life.

Not having a go at you, but sentiments like this really drive home the silliness of the claim that being childfree is 'selfish'. To me, it seems incredibly selfish to create another human being just to give yourself a purpose in life.

Agreed. Anyone who decides to have kids is being selfish because they are doing it for some personal satisfaction/motivation or else they wouldn't bother having them IMO.

Yup. I am childfree because I can't think of any way in which having children would make my life better, and lots of ways in which it would make it worse. In other words, I made a decision based on my own self-interest. And that's fine. People who do decide to have children also do so based on their own perceived self-interest - having a 'meaning' to life, fitting in with their friends, keeping their partner happy, or simply because having children is something they've always wanted to do.

And that's fine too. Just let's not pretend that having children is some sort of 'selfless' lifestyle people enter into for the good of humanity.

A thing I read recently hit me like a ton of bricks. Love your children for who they are, not who you wish they were.

I think people who say they never feel like you do are lying.

I don't relate to this idea that you have to find a meaning or purpose in your life. Why, and says who?

I think @UpfieldHatesWomen nailed it with this statement: Men don't seem to have the same problems finding meaning for their lives outside of having kids

@panticus I agree. I didn’t ask to be here, it’s meaning enough that I am.

Hey1256 sorry for your loss. You don't need to make any big decisions right now or determine the meaning of life, you just need to take care of yourself first and foremost.