Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I really regret having kids

618 replies

SoFuckingTired · 29/10/2019 08:09

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

OP posts:
Hey1256 · 02/11/2019 11:30

Also I realise OP hasn't commented since the thread started. I hope it's been helpful to know you're not the only person feeling like this and wish you all the best X

Carabello · 02/11/2019 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hey1256 · 02/11/2019 11:55

I just see this as stopping your own lack of fulfilment by passing it on to your own children*.
In relieving your own dissatisfaction with life you simply pass on the burden to the next generation - your own children no less! Who then, in turn, will likely do the same.....and so it continues.*i struggle to understand then why people have a child.

Why do we do anything in life if we don't think it will enrich us?

ClownsandCowboys · 02/11/2019 12:01

My mum regretted having children, but I know she love sme and my sibling and we have a great relationship. Regretting the decision doesn't mean you treat your children any differently, or that they sense it.

I had no idea when I was younger and only once I had my own and was suffering from PND did she confide in me. And I agree with her, her life would have been much better if she hadn't had us. Especially career wise, financially. It doesn't upset me.

ClownsandCowboys · 02/11/2019 12:02

As to job, I work in an office, but I LOVE my job. I am useless at practical things and craft. Sadly I can't follow my career as I'd like because of having children.

SerenDippitty · 02/11/2019 13:30

I think I was driven by FOMO as much as anything and not wanting to be left out. All my friends were having babies - I was literally the only one not - and I was desperate to join the club. Not a good reason really.

Carabello · 02/11/2019 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onionandsage · 02/11/2019 13:32

I think I was driven by FOMO as much as anything and not wanting to be left out. All my friends were having babies - I was literally the only one not - and I was desperate to join the club. Not a good reason really.

Same for me.

Carabello · 02/11/2019 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BetLynchWhatCanIGetYouPet · 02/11/2019 13:58

What carabello types is so true but luckily somehow, the arrival of a child can make you see all of this. You may have brought them in to the world because of your unconscious lack of fulfilment, but then wake up later and grow as a person from the moment you are responsible for a child.

Hey1256 · 02/11/2019 14:10

@Carabello I agree but also really struggle to think what on earth will I do with my lite for the next 50 years otherwise . Sad but true

UpfieldHatesWomen · 02/11/2019 14:27

Men don't seem to have the same problems finding meaning for their lives outside of having kids, or at least there's not the same pressure and expectation from birth that being a parent will be the defining feature of their lives. They pursue whatever it is they're interested in, careers, hobbies etc. I have known quite a few single men who are lonely and want to settle down and find a wife, but it seems like that's as much for their benefit, having someone to look after them (and any future kids) and perhaps raise their status, rather than seeing being a dad as the main purpose of their existence.

IcedPurple · 02/11/2019 14:29

You may have brought them in to the world because of your unconscious lack of fulfilment, but then wake up later and grow as a person from the moment you are responsible for a child.

From the outside looking in, I don't know a single person who has changed dramatically because of having a child. Everyone I know who has had children is the same person they were before having them, except more stressed and broke.

ImGoingToBangYourHeadsTogether · 02/11/2019 14:50

What do you mean when you say working is a con?

I'm referring to the low wages / high living expenses culture, and the fact that work no longer pays an honest living. I've spent 20 years working 2 jobs sometimes to pay someone else's mortgage for them. Not to derail the thread. This is not the world that I wanted to have kids in, ever. For a broken and hopelessly unjust economic system based on birth and age not earnings, to a total absence of law in many parts, to overpopulation to the amount of violence in the UK.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 02/11/2019 15:05

I agree but also really struggle to think what on earth will I do with my lite for the next 50 years otherwise

Me too.

Carabello · 02/11/2019 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CantstandmLMs · 02/11/2019 18:15

I'm seeing a LOT of inspirational quotes and memes about motherhood being SO hard and draining from friends who have kids. One shared a post about "loving my kids but hate being a mum" just yesterday Confused
Her life stresses me out I am SO glad I'm not her. I'm sure her kids are lovely sometimes...

angell84 · 02/11/2019 18:48

People wondering what to do for the next fifty years.

Go and travel!

Workaway.info

is the best website for this. I have met fifty year olds doing it

BooseysMom · 02/11/2019 18:55

Some said to me they felt completely tricked by their biology and wish they'd never given in, and their wives feel the same.

That's a really interesting point. I feel exactly that..tricked! I was adamant i was never having kids after being a sibling to countless foster kids over 30 years, some from very abusive backgrounds, i was 100% decided it was a big fat NO WAY!! Then pesky mother nature rose her ugly head in my late 30s and i panicked and ended up with DS who of course i love dearly and would give my life for. It was "Wham Bang" explosive the change in me. At first i hated it after a v.difficult birth then i got to love it (mostly), then i felt pressure to have another which never happened and i'm glad to say it was the right decision..as others have said it would push us over into survival. We're at that point now anyway. Every day we look out at a 5-bed detached house with orangery in which an oap couple live and there we are in our poky bed with no hope of moving as DH is out of work. So it was right for us to stick with one. And seeing as i was never having any, it's just as well!

BooseysMom · 02/11/2019 18:57

poky 2-bed Grin

CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 19:00

There is lots to do if you have the freedom to put yrslf first but at 49 i have a job and 2 teens to put thru uni. You have got to find fulfilment in the ground beneath yr feet at this stage in life.

WhatAMum01 · 02/11/2019 19:10

@Silencedwitness you are not alone.i have 3 children,my youngest has severe autism and Learning disabilities, completely non verbal and unable to sit or stop screaming for more than a few seconds. Life is horrendously hard, theres next to no help.family dont want him around at theirs as he wrecks everything and tires them out with having to constantly watch him.my other kids my husband and I have no life ,i mean absolutely housebound by this little person who doesn't have a clue.i detest my life and my decision to ever have had kids,its ruined my life and made me feel like a horrendous mother.i wanted mine all so much they were all planned.id do anything, anything to take his Autism away.

angell84 · 02/11/2019 19:11

Women need to put themselves first more.

Look at Elizabeth Gilbert , the writer. She decided that she didn't want children, she left her husband, and has been travelling the world from age 35 until now - 50.

And you don't need money to travel, you can travel for free on

Www.workaway.info.

Ask yourself, "what do i really want out of my precious life,"

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 02/11/2019 19:43

*People wondering what to do for the next fifty years.

Go and travel!*

I've already been to 30+ countries. I spent every.single.half.term flying abroad to see my dad, my grandparents or my auntie. I'm so sick of it I've actually decided not to fly in 2020. Also, travelling is so bad for the environment - not as bad as having kids but pretty bad.

I've done solo travelling, hostels, suitcases and hot exotic countries. It's not all that great after a while, after 2 weeks anywhere I just want to be home. It takes a certain type of person to thrive off backpacking/picking fruit in Australia/sweeping hostel floors in Indonesia and it's not most people - lots of people just want to be secure, have a nice home and career they enjoy, with close friends and fun hobbies.

Curtainly · 02/11/2019 20:00

Everyone is different though, I did a lot of travelling when I was younger, and the thought of doing it now is my idea of hell. Similarly people who like travelling might find the idea of having children awful. Society just needs to stop putting women together as one big lump, assuming we all want the same thing.