to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

I think society really needs to stop mis-selling Barcelona as a destination. So much pressure is put on women to visit it, to the extent that they go back 4 times just to be sure.

having a baby is a gamble
I have a severely learning disabled brother, and a fairly dysfunctional childhood with parents who didn't get on and struggled to cope, and yet I still wanted children. I refused the tests during pregnancy because we believed that deciding to have a baby meant for better or for worse. Probably naive and luckily they were disability free. I just think its less of a choice than some are making out when your biological clock us ticking

I just think its less of a choice than some are making out when your biological clock us ticking

"Biological clocks" don't really exist though, and they certainly don't 'tick'.

The fact remains that the vast majority of women in developed countries like Britain have children because they have chosen to do so.

I absolutely loved the toddler years, felt incredibly lucky with my children all through their lives,had wonderful times mixed in with the boredom and meds and expenses. However now I am really struggling as mental health issues have happened - one of my children is very unwell (sectioned).

So I don't know. I can't regret it just because he is ill. But it's not what I expected and the impact on the others has been substantial.

Even if a biological clock does exist we can choose to ignore it. We have brains so nothing stopping us using them.

Are the posters that do believe in a biological clock really saying that all child free by choice women don't have one?

Of course this is understandable and I am sorry you are having a tough time. By alarm is that you are writing something on the internet. Yes I know what everyone will say. But things said when you are having a bad time you may not feel later. It would be awful if your children ever knew. Some things are better not said, or shared only with good friends who will support you through a difficult time. I dont thing MN can do that

"Some things are better not said"

Ah yes, the Victorian approach to mental health, that's healthy

The only thing that should have been left unsaid is that comment!

Of course this is understandable and I am sorry you are having a tough time. By alarm is that you are writing something on the internet.

It's an anonymous discussion board for (mostly) mothers. If she can't vent here, where can she? Do stop clutching those pearls.

As for basically having a child because you are bored well I have heard it all.

I hate to break it to you but this is why most people have children. 99% of reasons are covered by:

a) bored of life
b) contraceptive failure
c) didn't even use contraceptives
d) wanted meaning to life
e) societal pressure/ultimatum from husband
f) carry on my genes/legacy, want a small lookalike
g) just the done thing.

The only truly selfless reason to have children is: "Life on this planet is so great, that I really want another new person to experience it". I definitely don't think that and don't think many other people do nowadays - especially in poor or war-torn countries.

Most people have kids because they "just wanted one"

We have brains so nothing stopping us using them
In which case educated, intelligent people are more likely to examin the evidence and on that basis decide the logical option is not to have children because its a gamble, its likely to cause post-natal depression, relationship problems, etc...? So why don't we? Why do some of us suffer severe PMT and others feel fine every month? We are all different. Ok so 'biologucal clock ticking' may sound out-dated but I know it happened to me. Noone held a gun to my head, I did not feel socital pressure, I just wanted it very strongly and would have gone through fertility treatment to get there. I am an intelligent woman and agree that its not logical, so why?

In which case educated, intelligent people are more likely to examin the evidence and on that basis decide the logical option is not to have children because its a gamble, its likely to cause post-natal depression, relationship problems, etc...? So why don't we?

Mostly we do. There's a very clear inverse correlation between female education and birth rates - the more educated a woman is, the fewer children she is likely to have. This has been shown time and time again, across cultures and borders.

I just wanted it very strongly and would have gone through fertility treatment to get there. I am an intelligent woman and agree that its not logical, so why?

You'd have to ask yourself that question.

The point some of us are making is that, for women in the contemporary western world, having children is almost always a choice freely taken. So blaming it on 'hormones' or 'biological clocks' is a bit of a cop out. You could say it's the triumph of emotion or gut feeling over logic, but it is still a decision most women make though their own free choice.

Our ‘purpose’ is to create new life to keep the human race going.
It might be boring, hard work, & unsatisfying for some, but those women have still contributed to keeping the world turning.
Most people I know get a lot of joy from their children. But agree, it is a gamble. But a gamble the vast majority of women ( & men ) are willing to take.

I have two DC’s, both with learning disabilities and it’s fucking awful most of the time. So stressful and depressing. Groundhog Day everyday trying to teach them basic normal things over and over again, living with the constant screaming, fighting, mess, lack of sleep, worry about their futures and social exclusion . I do love them both but I hate being their mother.

dirtyrottenscoundrel that's the purpose of our genes, we are more than our genes. By your logic, men should also be allowed to rape women because they're just following their natural urges to procreate, no restraint or consideration required, because they're following their 'purpose'. Being a human being involves a lot more than finding food & shelter and procreating. Also, these kinds of arguments are always levelled at women and not men, of whom societal narratives tell us the purpose of life is to gain mastery of the world around them either through knowledge and discovery or sheer dominance. You're setting the bar incredibly low for women here.

Having my DD was so shocking that I stopped at 1. She's almost 19 now and I'm still exhausted.

I hated most of it despite her being an amazing kid. She's bright, friendly and happy but I hated every second of the sheer monotony and the mind numbing boredom of daily life. I can't even look at threads about school meetings and lunch box ideas because it brings me right back.

I'm now getting ready to wave her off to uni at the end of the year and I can't wait. Not that I don't adore her, I do. Or that I won't miss her, I will like crazy but still I can't wait. It's like waiting to breathe again.

... you're also implying that the lives of women who don't have children are without purpose, which is not only insulting and divisive, but frankly also shows a lack of ambition and imagination.

No, that’s not what I’m saying.
People can choose whether to have children or not ( unless they can’t have them for medical reasons )

Deciding not to have children is absolutely fine, but if we all decided to not have children the world would end.

@dirtyrottenscoundrel the world wouldn't end, society would and given the total fuck bomb we've made of the planet, frankly it would thrive without us. The extinction of the human race would only benefit the world.

dirtyrottenscoundrel at the present point in time, the world is more likely to end from the strain of an overpopulated planet, and I'm pretty sure women in the Western world don't decide to have children out of some sense of duty to keep the numbers up! For most it's a personal choice, a decision made on the basis of the kind of lifestyle desired. I have every respect for mothers working their asses of to do the best for their kids, but let's not pretend the decision to have them is made for the greater good of the human race rather than personal choices.

given the total fuck bomb we've made of the planet, frankly it would thrive without us. The extinction of the human race would only benefit the world.

I can't say I disagree with this.

* given the total fuck bomb we've made of the planet, frankly it would thrive without us. The extinction of the human race would only benefit the world.*

Well yes. Earth would exist.
But to what end?

Human beings, for all our flaws, have created such beauty in one sense - in art, books, theatre, film, architecture.

The only truly selfless reason to have children is: "Life on this planet is so great, that I really want another new person to experience it". I definitely don't think that and don't think many other people do nowadays - especially in poor or war-torn countries

I find life absolutely fantastic and I don’t live in a war torn country so why not have a baby or 2