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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

226 replies

babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:32

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

OP posts:
ferndance · 28/10/2019 22:37

YANBU. I'm assuming your friend didn't have a 10 month old when she flew back for your wedding.

For her to call you selfish is unfair imo.

73Sunglasslover · 28/10/2019 22:38

Not at all. Your friend is being unreasonable. There are costs to emigrating to the other side of the world and this is one of them. I don't know how you DH would look after your child as surely he'll be at work? Do you have full time child care or is there a gap that somehow needs filling? I sympathise with your friend who is clearly disappointed but it's till not OK to have a go at you about this.

Ffs1608 · 28/10/2019 22:41

No, you're not being unreasonable. Baby is still young. Whether DH would be fine looking after DS or not is not the point, you're not comfortable. Yes, she flew over for your wedding. Did she leave a young child behind? Friend who has called you selfish - have they a child?

ineedaholidaynow · 28/10/2019 22:41

I wouldn't have thought you could fly to NZ for just a couple of days, you will be jet lagged.

DH and I went to a wedding in Australia but made a holiday of it. I would hope that the friend getting married would have understood if we had not gone (this was pre DC so reasons not to go would be cost/leave). They didn't come to our wedding a few years later, and we totally understood.

I don't blame you not wanting to go and be so far from your DS. Also if it means you then can't have a family holiday I think it's perfectly reasonable not to go. You have to accept if you move away from your friends that they can't always come to things that they would have done if you all still lived in the same country, especially when it is the other side of the world.

SusanneLinder · 28/10/2019 22:41

Jeez, I don't have a 10 month old and I wouldn't fly to NZ for a bloody wedding for 5 days.
You are not selfish, just realistic.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:42

@ferndance No she didn't have a baby - I am the first of my close circle to have one. I'm really struggling not to use the "you just don't get it" card because we've already drifted apart a bit over other episodes of mutual frustration around changes to my lifestyle

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2019 22:42

Your friend is totally unreasonable for expecting you to go to NZ for a wedding.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 28/10/2019 22:42

YANBU.
I emigrated to Australia. I have to accept that it was my choice and the people are not required to make any effort to come and visit me.
Plus the trip is horrible. We do it as a family of five around 2-3 times a year (Qld to UK) and it genuinely takes weeks to recover each time. It's not exactly a quick flight across Europe or even to the US which are pretty manageable, this is a long haul flight, it really does mess with you! Plus, you have a baby to look after. It was lovely of her to come to your wedding but you do not owe her.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 28/10/2019 22:43

YANBU. DSIL (DH's sister) lives in NZ now and got married there in the summer. We went (and had visited once before) but for two and a bit weeks which was also our main holiday. It is a seriously long way and I would only go for as short a time as five days in a dire emergency which getting married is not!

Plus our DC were 5 and 8 when we first went which was an ok age. A ten month old (depending on their own personality of course) would be in my nightmare zone for a trip like that - too big to just eat and sleep, too small to watch endless movies!

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2019 22:44

•I'm really struggling not to use the "you just don't get it" card because we've already drifted apart a bit over other episodes of mutual frustration around changes to my lifestyle

Do not use this “card”. Her not having a baby is irrelevant. She’s selfish full stop. Most non parents would never ask someone to do something like this.

Gennz18 · 28/10/2019 22:45

I got married in NZ while living in London. Some of my best friends couldn’t make the trip and I certainly never expected them to - and this was pre kids. So YANBU.

If you did want to go consider taking DS with you if he’s not yet walking. I’ve travelled UK-NZ with my kids many times and it’s not so bad. And NZ in January is lovely - much nicer than the UK ☀️☀️☀️ I’d never leave my kids to travel to the other side of the world (no judgement on those who do, I’m just a wuss).

ferndance · 28/10/2019 22:46

I also don't agree with the "DS won't remember anything" attitude. He obviously won't, but I think unless it's absolutely necessary and your baby is used to being with other relatives/careers very regularly for long periods of time...I do think it's quite hard for them to suddenly adjust to you not being there for several days.

So if it's avoidable, which it definitely is in this situation I wouldn't put my DS through that to appease a grown up, who should understand.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:47

@73Sunglasslover at the moment DH is taking parental leave but will be back after Christmas. We haven't finalised childcare fully yet but it will be a combination of my mum and nursery (both DH and I will work 4 days a week). So I think we could make it work on that front, but DS will be unsettled in a new routine which makes me feel even worse at the prospect of leaving him

OP posts:
Gennz18 · 28/10/2019 22:47

Don’t use the “you just don’t get it card” - even though she doesn’t. She’ll realise when she has kids.

That said I 100% would have realised it was a huge ask, even in my carefree childless days. It’s a 24 hours flight ffs

Purpleartichoke · 28/10/2019 22:47

I would not leave a 10 month old for that long.

resipsa · 28/10/2019 22:48

You could take him as a compromise and stay longer...I don't think YANU at all not to go but this is an alternative solution. I've flown to Oz twice with my (then) under 1s and as babies they both adjusted to the time difference with minimal difficulty!

Ilikewinter · 28/10/2019 22:50

I dont have kids and if you was my friend i wouldnt expect you to fly to the other side of the world to spend a couple of days at my wedding.....i think this maybe the natural end of your friendship, she is out of order to call you selfish

Gennz18 · 28/10/2019 22:51

The starting point is whether you’d actually like to go! If you would then think about bringing DS and coming for 10 days- 2 weeks rather than 5 days. It’s a lovely time of year and I can put you in touch with babysitters if you’re in Auckland 😂

In my experience babies adjust quite well to jet lag and if you’re on mat leave anyway it could be quite a fun holiday.

If you don’t really want to go then don’t bother, you have a perfectly valid excuse.

Frazzled2207 · 28/10/2019 22:53

Yanbu. I wouldn't have done it. Don't tell her such, but she just doesn't get it (she will it and when she has kids).

Also the carbon footprint of this trip is totally ridiculous. And you would be so knackered.

I'd consider going as part of a big family holiday (we did exactly this when there was a wedding in Malaysia) but not just there and back when I had a baby. No way.

Majorcollywobble · 28/10/2019 22:54

YANBU
The wedding is just round the corner !
I personally wouldn’t want to leave a 10 month old child . It’s such a short trip you’ll be exhausted when you return .

BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 22:55

Stop explaining yourself to this selfish twat.

No is a complete sentence. Flowers

Baguetteaboutit · 28/10/2019 22:55

YANBU. Just say no. You don't need your friends to agree with you to justify declining the invitation.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:56

Thank you for the lovely replies. I was really starting to think that I was being majorly precious.

DH and I went to visit over new year 2017/18 and had a really lovely trip. We stayed for DH's full school holiday. If we could do similar for the wedding, we would. But I feel it's unfair on DS to take him for just a short trip - the jetlag and change in temperature from winter to summer was brutal when we went and I would imagine it's amplified for a baby. I could take DS with me and go for a longer visit, but that feels very unfair on DH as I would be using up a lot of my leave and our holiday budget on a trip that didn't include him.

OP posts:
Original poster
babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 23:02

@Gennz18 this is a good point. I am torn - I would dearly love to see my friend get married. But I look at my set of options and none of them feels doable Sad

OP posts:
Ihatesundays · 28/10/2019 23:05

My BF got married in NZ and she was pissed off we didn’t go. I was 7 months pregnant? I should say ex-BF now.

If she doesn’t have children she will never understand why you can’t leave him. Honestly if she presses I would just say ‘our finances have changed and I can’t afford it.’ Which is technically true if you are having a family holiday.
If you don’t want to go, don’t go - too far, too awkward, too expensive and you don’t want to!