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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

226 replies

babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:32

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

OP posts:
timtam23 · 28/10/2019 23:08

I don't think you are being unreasonable to decline. I have an Australian friend who came to my wedding in the UK (we were housemates when I lived in Australia and I was extremely touched that she made the journey). Neither of us had children at the time.
Fast forward 10 years and I was invited to her wedding in Australia. The DCs and DH were also I voted but realistically it would have been just me. I did seriously consider it but the logistics of the whole trip were prohibitive. And I didn't want to leave the DCs - who are primary school age - for what would realistically have a to be 2 weeks (to take into account jet lag and coordinating various legs of travel to reach the wedding). Also, as DH pointed out, my friend's attention and focus would naturally be on her big day and I would probably not see her very much. So the time/expense etc of the long trip to see her might be better left until another time when she could spend more time with me.

My friend completely understood that it wasn't possible for me to go to her wedding and there were no hard feelings at all - she had wanted to give me the option to attend but had expected that it would be very unlikely.

Wheat2Harvest · 28/10/2019 23:09

I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day

It will be a huge amount of money for such a short time and you will probably be so jet-lagged you'll fall asleep. Also bear in mind that if there is a flight delay and you miss your connection with such a tight timetable you might not arrive in time for the wedding.

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2019 23:10

If she doesn’t have children she will never understand why you can’t leave him.

People without children aren’t generally unempathetic arseholes. I really wish people wouldn’t make comments like this.

LeGrandBleu · 28/10/2019 23:13

I live in Sydney and you are crazy to even consider it for 5 days for a myriad of reasons. First if you leave on day a Monday night you will arrive on the Wednesday, second everyone thinks about the jet-lag but what kills me if the fact to go for 35 hours without sleep: you have an evening flight at 9pm but you wake up as usual in the morning at 6-7 am so already awake for 14 hours then add the 24 hours flight in Economy with zero sleep that’s 38 hours and you arrive shattered and have the weeding and repeating the same ordeal to fly back. Don’t do it.

TildaKauskumholm · 28/10/2019 23:17

I think it's weird when someone expects others to fly to another country for their wedding. It's using up your holiday time, it's expensive, and you would most likely spend little time with the couple once you're there. If you can build a holiday around it then maybe.

CTRL · 28/10/2019 23:17

I feel like you should go. Either bring your baby or leave baby at home with dad

HollowTalk · 28/10/2019 23:19

I wouldn't go. I'd go for a longer trip another time with your husband and child.

thisneverendingsummer · 28/10/2019 23:20

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memaymamo · 28/10/2019 23:20

It's not unreasonable not to go, but I would do it. I would take DS and stay a few days longer.

She's extremely unreasonable to call you selfish. That's not on. You're not thinking of yourself, you're thinking of your baby.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/10/2019 23:22

I would have explored the options with a view to going until she called me selfish. All bets are off after that.

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2019 23:23

I feel like you should go.

Why? Why “should” anyone fly half way round the world for a wedding?

AlunWynsKnee · 28/10/2019 23:27

When she came here for your wedding, what did she do? Fly in and out or did she stay and see other people too?

saraclara · 28/10/2019 23:28

Another one who'd stop even thinking about going after being called selfish. How dare she?

MsPavlichenko · 28/10/2019 23:31

I am always astonished that anyone calls anyone else selfish for not going to their wedding. Whether in New Zealand or the next street down. It's an invite. Lovely if folk accept and come along. Completely understandable if ( for whatever reason) they are not able to.

Her calling you selfish makes me firmly in the don't go camp.

ExcitedForFuture · 28/10/2019 23:31

YANBU. How dare she call you selfish for not flying to the other side of the world, sacrificing a family holiday and leaving your baby. I wouldn't even consider going now anyway.

KioreWahine · 28/10/2019 23:33

It normally takes me a week to adjust to the trip so 5 days would be an endurance test, not fun.

The hardest thing I've found about the trip with a DC is when you both have jetlag but are out if sync. If you don't have family at the other end to help it can be rough. Although we've found that no one will help with the midnight to 7am shift!

At least if there are two of you, or grandparents you can sleep during the day. If you don't have anyone in NZ it could be pretty hard.

She's asking a lot. It is part of the cost of emigrating.

1300cakes · 28/10/2019 23:33

I wouldn't go but I also wouldn't tell you that she'd "never understand" due to her current child free status, that sounds rude.

And it's irrelevant as many child free people wouldn't make this trip anyway due to finances, work, carbon footprint, prior commitments, caring responsibilities and a million other reasons. OTOH plenty of people with and without kids would, if they wanted too.

Just say unfortunately you can't make it work at this stage. It's understandable she's a little annoyed as she made the same journey as recently as last year, but every situation is different and it's not a tit for tat thing.

Interestedwoman · 28/10/2019 23:34

'I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS.'

I don't think anyone should/would expect you to give up your family holiday.

'She flew to the UK for my wedding last year'

I suppose that does make a difference, but then she doesn't have a baby.

'and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ.'

There you go then, you're not being abnormally selfish- a lot of other people have decided they don't feel able to do it, too. xx

Lindy2 · 28/10/2019 23:35

I wouldn't travel that far for a wedding even without having a young child to consider.

Your friend is being very unreasonable.

ILearnedItFromABook · 28/10/2019 23:35

Honestly, that's a long trip for such a short time, and it's expensive, too. She's being selfish to expect your family to sacrifice your own holiday just so you can be there on her day.

If you don't want to go and I don't blame you! maybe you can soften the blow by telling her you'd rather save up the money and time for a longer trip at some point in the future. Perhaps at a time when your husband and son could come, too.

She'll be busy and distracted with the wedding, and you'll be exhausted and worried about being away from your baby. Visiting at a later date would mean everyone would be much more relaxed and able to focus on spending time together.

(But unless she begins to act a bit more mature, I don't know if I'd want to visit her later, either!)

funnelfanjo · 28/10/2019 23:35

I’ve been to NZ a couple of times, fantastic place. I would not do the 24 hour flights each way with a 10 month old on my own unless it was a life or death emergency.

It’s bad enough managing yourself as a fully functioning adult without dealing with a baby, being self conscious about disturbing other passengers etc etc.

Save up your money and go and visit again as a family when you can spend some quality time with your friend. wedding days are such a whirlwind you won’t get more than a few minutes with them anyway.

timshelthechoice · 28/10/2019 23:38

YANBU

HoldMyLobster · 28/10/2019 23:43

I got married abroad.

Part of getting married abroad is understanding that your friends - even those who love you dearly, who have lots of money and lots of annual leave, and no small children - probably won't come to your wedding. They're not selfish. It's just a fucking huge thing to ask someone to do.

stucknoue · 28/10/2019 23:44

I would go and take your ds, babies are super adaptable. If you don't fancy the trip or the expense that's fine just tell her but don't use your baby as an excuse

thisneverendingsummer · 28/10/2019 23:49

@PurpleDaisies

Why? Why “should” anyone fly half way round the world for a wedding?

This. ^

Although I would be more likely to call it the other SIDE of the world. 'Halfway round the world' makes it sound like she's going to Japan or Thailand!