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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

226 replies

babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:32

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

OP posts:
TulipCat · 30/10/2019 20:00

If she wanted you there that much she would have arranged the wedding when your husband could come too and have a family holiday!

RandomMess · 30/10/2019 20:01

@OooErMissus

Yeah but for 4 days or so on your own... not my idea of a holiday however beautiful the place is!

L0bstersLass · 30/10/2019 20:08

You call her a very close friend, and in your own words have said I would dearly love to see my friend get married

So go. And take your baby with you. Babies are remarkably adaptable and the airline will look after you.

MatildaJane · 31/10/2019 00:02

I moved to the UK years ago and had the reverse situation, where a couple of friends asked me to be bridesmaid and in both situations I said I couldn't afford to go to NZ - and massively regretted it afterwards. Both friends were really nice about it (unlike your friendWink). It's more your friend's attitude that is a bit off, putting pressure on you and guilt tripping you, than the logistics of the trip itself that makes the trip seem less attractive. I travelled several times to NZ with three small children and they were amazing, even the 10 month old baby (most of the time). But maybe I was lucky. I agree with you that it would be a wrench leaving your little one at home for over a week, and at the risk of sounding sexist babies/toddlers do usually prefer to be with their mum, so if possible if you went, it'd be easier to take the baby.

luckylorca · 31/10/2019 03:02

Go! She will never forgive you!

Either take your child, stay for a week and have a holiday. Or leave kiddy with someone here and have a romantic week with your hubby. Who says you have to go for only 2 days? Waste of money/opportunity!

shearwater · 31/10/2019 03:43

I think if you are really close, she would have contacted you about wedding dates before she booked anything to check you could come. Surely she knows about your young baby, your DH's holiday situation. At the end of the day she chose her convenience over yours, and is now being stroppy about it.

shearwater · 31/10/2019 03:46

Also she prioritised going to the other side of the world, meeting someone and getting married there. That's fine, but you in that case you can't then necessarily expect everyone else to jump through hoops to get there.

Localocal · 31/10/2019 10:37

You are the one who knows how long your invisible umbilical cord is. Do not feel pressured to go further away than it will stretch. Mine definitely would not have gone to Australia when my first baby was ten months.

After some difficult trial and error I determined that I could be away one night for each year of my youngest child's age. So one night away from a one year old, two nights at a time if the youngest was two, etc. This has worked for me, and having clear boundaries has been good for my marriage to a very itchy-footed partner.

I think you will have to just hope the friend understands one day when she has her own baby.

Spaceshiphaslanded · 31/10/2019 11:56

Start with “do you want to go?” If you can only go for a super short time and you don’t really want to go - don’t go. If you really want to go - go, make it work and it will be brilliant.
I second those who say to make it longer stay though - so if you can with work etc, maybe go for a couple if weeks and take DC. It’s an amazing country and very child friendly. Also traveling alone on a long haul is actually not so bad, most reputable airlines look after solo parents very we you get extra help and attention.

But honestly if you don’t want to go, don’t. If you do want to go - go. We only got one shot at this life, you need to do what you want to do x

ineedaholidaynow · 31/10/2019 12:25

luckylorca her DH is a teacher so can’t get time off work.

And any friend who wouldn’t forgive me for not splashing out the family holiday budget for 5 days in New Zealand would not be a friend of mine.

Who are these entitled people who think that everyone has the budget to pay for the cost of a trip to New Zealand to go to a wedding?

FelicisNox · 31/10/2019 21:05

YANBU at all. She lives on the other side of the planet!

I would use the "you don't get it" card because she doesn't. She is referring to your child as if it's a pet?

Your baby is young and you need each other in a way she doesn't understand... why did SHE plan a wedding knowing full well she wanted you there at a time when you can't go as a family?

I'm not suggesting she plan her wedding around you but she hasn't looked at the bigger picture so tell her that.

Stop feeling guilty and stop swallowing her guilt tripping crap. The penny will drop with your selfish friends when they have families of their own but it may be too late to save your friendship.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 31/10/2019 21:15

YANBU. At all.

At the risk of being flamed here goes:

Expect this friendship to tank... for now.

In the event she ends up having children she’s likely to re-evaluate her reaction to your situation and if she’s a good ‘un she’ll pop up on email years from now and say “sorry for expecting you to leave your baby the other side of the world just for my wedding, that was a prick thing to do and I just didn’t get it at the time. Let’s be friends again”.

might be projecting a bit about my life

To misquote Sting “if you love somebody set them free”.

It goes for friendships too, which are often thrown out when someone has a baby “first”.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 31/10/2019 21:16

(Why can’t I do a strike through)

Kate0902900908 · 31/10/2019 22:54

YANBU AT ALL!!!
I invited life long friend to my wedding, friend had recently had baby and was living on the other side of the world. At no point did I expect her to come, her baby comes first and it's a lot to ask someone I sent her a lovely card after the wedding thanking her for her gift. At the end of the day she is my friend and I wouldn't ever want her to feel like she is being selfish for not being able to do what I want? That's not a friendship.
You have a baby and your husband is working. End of.

Trebla · 01/11/2019 06:15

I'd go. I live in NZ and long for people to visit. The journey isnt that bad and wve done it several times with young kids first time with 2 yr old and 3 month old. Then with a 3.5 yr old and 1.5 yr old. Then with a 6 yr old, 4 yr old and 9 month old. The journey kid free would be like part of the holiday in my book. Or taking 1 10 month old would be easy as. The thought of it is worse than the actual trip and whilst your LO is under 2 they travel virtually free. I think you're being selfish.

pyramidbutterflyfish · 01/11/2019 06:22

Given she came to the UK for your wedding, I think you're being a bit shit not going to hers.

StartupRepair · 01/11/2019 06:27

Don't feel pressured to leave your baby if it doesn't feel right for you. She has upped the stakes by having the wedding so far away.if you can't go you can't go.

DonkeyHotty · 01/11/2019 06:42

No way would I go. I’ve been to NZ and the flights and jet lag were brutal. Having a 10 mth old in tow would be awful. I really felt for all the parents on our flights who were trying to settle fractious babies and was really that our girls were older and easier!

A five day trip on your own would also be hell. The whole thing would be a fog for you anyway because unless you are good at sleeping on planes you’ll be on your knees with sleep deprivation when you get there. You’ll be discombobulated with timings at best.

If you don’t want to leave your baby you have every right not to FGS. Mumsnet seems to be full of people with arsehole friends. Just say no and stick with it. Completely agree with everything @PaulHollywoodsSexGut says. Your friend will I hope come round but it may not be for a while yet.

LannisterLion1 · 01/11/2019 06:55

Selfish to not travel across the world for a 2 day wedding?

OPs friend came for a 3 week holiday including her wedding, not just the wedding.

The bride asked about dates and as OPs dh is a teacher she told them they could only do a holiday in term time. The bride chose her dates knowing OP couldn't make it yet expected her to still do so.

She is selfish and unfair to expect a friend to spend all her and her dhs holiday money to visit for 2 days. Friends don't do that. It may be her wedding, she can be disappointed, she shouldn't be selfish.

Nodancingshoes · 01/11/2019 07:10

Her coming to your wedding in the UK is not the same...no doubt she combined it with seeing other family and friends. This trip to NZ would just be for the wedding and with a 10 month old on your own will not be much fun. The op has already visited her I'm NZ, at great expense I'm sure. When you emigrate, this is part of the sacrifice. If you could all go as a family I would say go for it, provided you can afford it, but on my own would be a no from me

CleansUpDragonPoo · 02/11/2019 08:30

@mbosnz "Tue 29-Oct-19 19:17:38
There are some non-negotiable events I will drop everything for, and fly to NZ. They're not weddings. They're all funerals. . ."

I used to think like that, now I never go to overseas funerals but plan my overseas holidays to see them while they're still around. Everyone completely understands. Likewise weddings, I usually visit before or after when it's a proper visit and we can spend time together rather than the quick five minute chat at their wedding. Works for us, but then we're rational people who are spread over three continents.

ChestnutTalisman · 02/11/2019 09:01

YANBU at all. 10 months is peak separation anxiety season isn't it? It sounds like you have made your decision and you have good, valid reasons which are not selfish at all.

Wilmalovescake · 02/11/2019 09:08

Not a chance I would go.
YANBU.

altiara · 02/11/2019 09:15

Can you just say you would’ve come if you could’ve made it into a holiday with DH, but the timing is not right so we can’t come.

Cornettoninja · 02/11/2019 09:24

Even without a baby (although I wouldn’t have left mine at that age) I wouldn’t go unless it was part of a longer holiday.

Expense and annual leave would be my main reasons. I couldn’t justify spending that much money and using annual leave for the sake of a couple of days. Those become bigger considerations when you’re part of a couple/family.

It’s lovely that she came to yours but I’ll presume there was no pressure to do that and as previous posters pointed out she’ll have been seeing other friends and family too. It shouldn’t be a tit for tat gesture.

Besides you’ve already recently made a trip you wouldn’t have necessarily made to see her. It’s pretty shitty to make you feel like an awful friend now.