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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

226 replies

babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:32

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 29/10/2019 03:15

People who don't have babies just don't get it sometimes. Your friend needs to grow up.

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2019 03:18

People who don't have babies just don't get it sometimes

How do you explain the posters on this thread telling the op to go when they themselves have children? This is not because the friend does not have a baby.

Durgasarrow · 29/10/2019 03:19

Maybe she can skype it so people halfway around the world can watch it and be there virtually? This is 2019 after all!

Autumnhere1111 · 29/10/2019 03:22

If she called me selfish, I wouldn’t go..

midsummabreak · 29/10/2019 03:27

Would your Dh consider seperate holidays this year with friends, then plan a lovely family trip next year, either alone as a family, or perhaps with other families to share babysitting?
This year, If Dh went on a holiday with his one or some of his friends, he may really enjoy the time out , come back refreshed. And you could if you want take baby to NZ? Parents do need to allow good quality time with close friends, it keeps us refreshed and happy.

Seahorseshoe · 29/10/2019 03:52

Yanbu. You couldn't get further away! I wouldn't go either. I have close family in Australia and I didn't go to their weddings.

Piffle11 · 29/10/2019 03:56

TBH Now that she started the name-calling, I wouldn’t want to go anyway. New Zealand is not somewhere you can go for a couple of days: I have family there, and anyone who has visited them is basically out of it with jetlag for days afterwards. So basically you would probably need to go a few days before the wedding – if not a week before – and then be prepared to be completely out of it when you get home. If you just rock up at the wedding a couple of days after landing, I can guarantee you will probably miss it anyway because you will be asleep! You have a child, he comes first. She’s been unbelievably unreasonable, and I wouldn’t be going.

Dandelion1993 · 29/10/2019 03:56

I'd go in the same position.

Like you said DS and dh would be fine so why not?

DNR · 29/10/2019 04:58

Things have changed even from last year as far as being aware of carbon footprint. It's an another argument for not going even though she came to yours.

Marnie76 · 29/10/2019 05:24

People saying OP should take the baby because it’s too long for her to be away from him, what about the DH. He will then be away from the baby. Men do love and miss their babies too you know!!

ittakes2 · 29/10/2019 05:44

Weddings can make or break friendships. People that live in the summer hemisphere are used to travelling long haul - people in England not always. I took my twins to Australia at 6 months so don't see taking a 10month old to NZ as a big deal as the baby would have had lots in vaccinations by then - the weather in January in NZ is going to be much better than the UK!
But you get to choose - especially since she made an effort for your wedding I do think though if you choose not to go your friendship might end. I know plenty of people who l leave their babies for 5 days if their partner or someone else they trust are looking after them.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 29/10/2019 05:55

No fucking way would I do that trip in economy with or without baby.

She is taking the Micky - if you move to New Zealand what do you expect!

BikeRunSki · 29/10/2019 06:06

This is what webcams/FB live-streaming are for.

AJPTaylor · 29/10/2019 06:07

She made the effort for your wedding but I bet she caught up with friends and relatives on her trip home at the same time. It's not a direct comparison.
It would be daft to go to NZ for 5 days. It just doesn't work. Stick to your guns.

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2019 06:11

I wouldnt take a 10 month old that far alone for a wedding. Nor would I leave him. I also dont think it's fair to go, if it means to forgo a family holiday. You shouldn't feel bullied into going.

missyoumuch · 29/10/2019 06:37

Baby is irrelevant, I would not fly to NZ for a few days for a wedding. It a long time flying, huge time difference, the jet lag would be horrific. Only circumstances it would work is to stay for at least 1-2 weeks as a holiday for the whole family - which in your case, you can't do.

Your friend is so self-absorbed, we had some friends who couldn't attend our wedding due to distance/cost and I never made anyone feel guilty about it.

Tyra435 · 29/10/2019 06:52

I live in the NW of England, a friend had a wedding on the Scottish borders and a couple of people didnt go because for them it was too far/couldn't afford it/had a young baby etc.

But NZ is a whole other story !! I I were very well off, a ton of holiday time and no children i'd go, but realisitcally most can't.

And this does not make you selfish in any shape or form, how dare she say that to you ?

As PP said, don't let her bully you into it. Question if this is the sort of friend you really want.

MarigoldGlove · 29/10/2019 06:58

I lived in Australia and there was a family emergency in the uk and I was needed there but I found I actually couldn’t get on the plane and leave my dc 26 hours away. I thought I could but when it came to it I couldn’t.

Preggosaurus9 · 29/10/2019 06:59

She is calling YOU selfish? Right-o Hmm

Friendship over OP. Sad but people come and go through life, this is one of those times. I'm amazed you've lasted this long with her and the others jumping to make you feel bad. They all sound like utter selfish knobs.

ShipShapeandBristolFashion · 29/10/2019 07:07

YANBU. I’ve also missed a very good friends wedding in Hong Kong and have always said I’ll never fly overseas to see someone get married. It’s too far, too expensive and not how I want to use my annual leave.

Loveislandaddict · 29/10/2019 07:07

You are not being selfish. You have a baby. Full stop. Plus it’s a heck of a long way to go for a wedding. She moved away, she should expect that not everyone can make it.

Lonecatwithkitten · 29/10/2019 07:10

Just to be devils advocate it is very doable for go for 5 days - my DP has done it every year for the last 22 years. He then comes back for 8 days and then goes to the Far East for 5 days.
He gets on the time is travelling to on the plane. Whilst it is tough it is by no means impossible to visit for 5 days, but you have to want to do it.

tuliparcher · 29/10/2019 07:12

Personally I’d make every effort to go to a close friends wedding, with or without my child.
You’re friend calling your calling you selfish is not cool!

starfishmummy · 29/10/2019 07:13

I certainly wouldnt go. Along with the jet lag what will you be doing? Do you have other friends over there because I would suspect that you are not going to see much of the bride anyway.

81Byerley · 29/10/2019 07:20

If it means you and your husband miss out on a family holiday, then you can't really afford the NZ trip. You may have the money in the bank, but that doesn't mean you can afford the NZ trip...that money is earmarked for your family holiday. I'd just say you can't afford it. When I was married in 2005, I was amazed and grateful that some people travelled 200 miles to share our day. I'd never have expected anyone to come over from France for it, let alone fly from the other side of the world!