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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fly to NZ for friend's wedding?

226 replies

babybrain77 · 28/10/2019 22:32

Very close friend from school has met and is marrying a man from New Zealand. She has lived there for a couple of years and wedding is set for January 2020.

I have a DS who will be 10 months old at the time of the wedding. DH is a teacher so cannot attend as it's during term time. I have said that I won't be able to go as I don't want to be so far away from DS and don't want to take him with me to get discombobulated by time zones and temperature changes for a really short trip.

Friend says I'm selfish and that I should leave DS with DH. I can afford the flights although it would probably mean no big family holiday with DH and DS. DH would be fine alone with DS for 5 days - he has spent a lot of time with him over summer holidays whilst I've been back at work. Other close friends agree with friend getting married, that IABU missing the wedding when DS won't even remember me being gone.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and am feeling like a crap friend. She flew to the UK for my wedding last year and she won't have a lot of friends or family going over to NZ. I think I am struggling with the idea of being the other side of the planet from DS, rather than the time away (I would literally fly there for the wedding and come back the next day).

AIBU to want to stay home?

OP posts:
Leflic · 29/10/2019 07:20

I’d go like a shot and take the baby. What a fabulous opportunity.

popsadaisy · 29/10/2019 07:24

YANBU - it's obvious your friends don't have children if they are reacting in this way. There's not a chance I would have left my LG to go to the other side of the world when she was that young. I know she would have been completely fine without me and with her Dad and yes she wouldn't remember it but I still wouldn't have my anxiety would have been through the roof. Hopefully if your friend ever has children she will understand one day.

JavaQ · 29/10/2019 07:25

YANBU
obvious from the very first paragraph.

It is a shame but if time or funds or inclination is absent then your friend will have to suck it up and refrain from emotional manipulation.
Unless....she is paying!!!! But even then....it is too fucking far for a friends wedding.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/10/2019 07:30

Even before having a baby me and DH always said we'd only consider going to a long haul destination wedding if we could turn it into a 2 week holiday. Too much hassle otherwise.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/10/2019 07:31

I think using the baby as the reason you can't go has allowed your friends to come up with suggestions and alternatives for you. There are many reasons you can't go. Same as there will be many reasons others can't go. Are the bride and group of friends going to individually contact all those people to tell them they are being selfish or silly?

You can't go. When you choose to get married at the other side of the globe to your family and childhood friends then people not being able to attend is something you have to accept.

ratsnest · 29/10/2019 07:35

If your friend grew up here and still has lots of UK family and friends then her coming to your wedding is not equivalent to you flying to NZ - assuming she also spent time catching up with family etc whilst in the UK.

My thoughts would be to saving up for a big family NZ trip in the future as the timescales of transit time versus time spent with your friend just sounds awful. Will you then have to add accommodation costs? Do you know anyone else there as you're not going to get much time with the bride.

fedup21 · 29/10/2019 07:37

I wouldn’t do this for someone who called me selfish!

Stay at home with your baby.

leckford · 29/10/2019 07:40

Have you been to NZ before? It is a long series of flights for a short time, look up how long all the flights will be

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/10/2019 07:41

This year, If Dh went on a holiday with his one or some of his friends, he may really enjoy the time out , come back refreshed. And you could if you want take baby to NZ? Parents do need to allow good quality time with close friends, it keeps us refreshed and happy.

I don't know how much good quality time with close friends you'd get with a 10 month old baby in tow. And why does dad get to go off on a holiday with friends and come back refreshed? Would he not bring the baby on holiday with him? Surely if OP is expected to bring the baby to NZ, alone, for quality time with her friends, her husband would also bring the baby with him on his holiday?

SheeshazAZ09 · 29/10/2019 07:42

I am getting married next year to my DP. Our friends are scattered far and wide over the globe, including some in Australia, others in California, and others in Asia. They know they will be invited to the wedding but they also know that we will put zero pressure on them to actually come because the trip is a big deal, including the expense of flights and accommodation. We will actually write that on the invitations just in case anyone feels pressured and resentful. So YANBU and your friend is BU.

Having friends abroad just means you can't expect them to come and visit you. If you want to see them, you go to them.

bruffin · 29/10/2019 07:43

I went to NZ last year for a wedding. We had an amazing time. But our dc our adults and we went for nearly a month road trip.
I would go back but not for 5 days and not take a baby on a plane that long. We left heathrow Monday night and got to our hotel Tuesday afternoon with a 3 hour stopover in Singapore and 2 hours in Auckland.

Branleuse · 29/10/2019 07:45

Just tell her that youre gutted as youd love to be there but factoring in the distance, the time zones, the cost and the shortness of the trio, you just cant justify it, but you will come over for a longer visit when you can, and will go out to celebrate then x

Ragwort · 29/10/2019 07:48

I wouldn’t dream of going to NZ for a wedding, even without a young baby. People have no right to ‘expect’ their guests to attend a wedding, we turned down a ‘destination’ wedding in Europe, it wasn’t convenient, wasn’t somewhere we particularly wanted to go and, whilst we could have afforded it, it’s not how we choose to spend our money. We’ve turned down weddings in this country for the same reason.

When I’ve hosted a big function I don’t get upset if my friends/family can’t attend; the wedding is for your friends benefit, why should she assume you should accept the invitation. Confused.

Countryescape · 29/10/2019 07:48

Pretty sure DS won’t remember anything at his age so it’s hardly “unfair” on him.

BlueJava · 29/10/2019 07:52

YADNBU! You have a 10 month old, NZ is a flipping long way and it means you don't all get a family holiday this year. In those circumstances I think it's perfectly reasonable to say you can't attend. Your DH sounds lovely (esp. being ok about you going and then no family holiday!) but you friend is very unreasonable. Unless there is some backstory like she doesn't have parents and you practically brought her up - even then it's up to you.

roses2 · 29/10/2019 07:53

I can see why she’s upset since she made the equivalent trip for your wedding.

Did she come solely for your wedding or did she make a holiday out of it?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 29/10/2019 07:55

I wouldn't waste my carbon emissions on a wedding the other side of the world, baby or no baby.

Troels · 29/10/2019 07:56

YANBU. Your friend is being silly.
I got married in California, where we were living and near Dh's family. Not one family or friend came, and I was OK with that, they sent their well wishes and cards, and talked on the phine that day. It was too far for the older members of the family, and too expensive for the others who had bills and homes and kids.
It's an invite not a summons. Just Say No channeling my inner Nancy Reagan there

tentedthings · 29/10/2019 07:58

The fact that no one is considering the carbon cost of this trip is depressing. If we don't all start adjusting our habits our children are the ones who'll suffer the consequences.

scubadive · 29/10/2019 08:00

Well your friend is inconsiderate having a term time wedding when your DH is a teacher.

Just explain that if it had been in the holidays you would all have come and made a holiday of it but as it is in the term time it’s just not possible. That said I wouldn’t consider a 24 hr flight with a 10 mo th old, it’s the worst possible age for flying.

GU24Mum · 29/10/2019 08:02

Not unreasonable (of you) not to go.

I'm guessing that if your friend is originally from the UK that she combined the trip for your wedding with seeing family and other friends whereas you'd only be going for the wedding.

One of my best friends moved to NZ and I know is sad that people haven't really been out there BUT it cost thousands and takes up most of an annual leave allowance if you want vaguely to make that long a trip worthwhile.

Actually, if you weren't on mat leave you probably wouldn't go either as you'd have to use up quite a bit of AL while your OH was at school.

It's a shame you won't see your friend married but not exactly unreasonable not to fly that far to do so.

londonrach · 29/10/2019 08:06

Yanbu. Forget your baby just going to nz for a wedding. Shes not a friend if she acts like this

Strugglingtodomybest · 29/10/2019 08:06

No way would I go, particularly after being called selfish.

LMG101 · 29/10/2019 08:14

Hi there. I don't know if anybody else has mentioned this on here but I think your friend needs to also think more about the environment (we all do). There was a time when flying around all over the place was seen as acceptable but it isn't anymore, and the next generation are not going to thank their parents for not thinking more about what we are doing to the planet. Even David Attenborough is saying we are heading down a very dangerous path with rapid climate change, so I think a longhaul flight to NZ to satisfy your friend's ego is out of the question, especially as you don't want to go and you have a baby. Your baby's future is more important than some entitled adult demanding an unnecessary flight across the planet!

Quartz2208 · 29/10/2019 08:15

You don’t have the money or annual leave to do this and allow for family time and holiday it’s as simple as that

And such a short trip could have jet lag impact for awhile. ITs sad but your family come first

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